When my grandma died, it felt unexpected. Even though we knew she was sick, knew the treatments weren’t working and the poison was taking over her body, I didn’t expect it. Not when the day before, she was awake and alive, smiling, seemingly feeling better or okay…unlike every other day the six months prior.
I guess that was the giveaway—the white flag of surrender. That perfect day of laughs and smiles and memories she gave us, that she herself was given. That was her last strong, happy, full day before she joined my grandpa.
… Maybe that should have been my first clue, the uninhibited happiness and relief I felt not two hours ago, when Chase was mine for those few minutes in the sand.
It was perfect, and it meant something, and Chase wasn’t that guy. He’d never sleep with me then disregard me after. Sure, he screws around as much as Mason, and not nearly as much as Brady, but he’d never do that to me, to our friendship. Not when he knew how I felt. I may have never spelled it out in big, bold letters, but he knew. He had to.
Last night, or early this morning, depending how you look at it, we dressed, making our way to the house. Chase brought out a blanket, lit the fire pit, and we sat there under the stars, enjoying each other’s company, watching as the moon disappeared with the rise of the sun.
About twenty minutes after dawn was when Mason came home.
I didn’t move, but Chase, he jumped ten feet.
We were only sitting close, our bodies touching but not wrapped in each other. I think the fire and the sunrise made it look as intimate as it felt, and maybe that was a bit much for the first time he saw Chase and me together. Then again, I lie with Brady all the time and while Mason will make a remark, he doesn’t lose it the way he does when it comes to Chase.
Does he not trust him?
Does he not trust him with me?
Everything was as perfect as it could have been prior to that. I finally had what I’d wanted for so long—that perfect moment with the perfect person. Everything was perfect.
Yet, here we are, the morning after, staring at each other from across an entirely different fire.
We’re sitting on the deck, and Chase is gauging me, a torn expression written along his features as he begs me to understand him when he’s yet to say a word.
Not that he could right now, and for that I’m grateful, because he doesn’t have to for me to know exactly what will leave his mouth should he try.
As promised, we made our way to Nate’s, where our parents cooked us a giant feast. It’s meant to lift our spirits, but the tone is solemn, so I can hide a little behind the hurt we all feel for the young woman who has yet to leave her room this morning.
My brother joins the rest of us on the back deck then, scrubbing his hands down his face as he plops beside me.
“How is she?” I manage to whisper, forcing myself to stay focused on my brother.
Mason sighs. “She said she’s fine, but who knows. Parker said she’s the ‘suffer in silence’ type, so I’m guessing she’s full of shit. She’s safe and where she belongs though, so I guess she’s taken care of. She let Lolli stay in there, so that’s got to be a good sign.”
I nod, and he drops his head onto my shoulder, closing his eyes a moment. Mine flick across the flame.
Chase’s brows draw in so tight, they’re practically touching, and his gaze falls to his lap.
I jolt from the literal pain that shoots through my chest and Mason’s head snaps my way.
He frowns instantly, and I know my eyes are glossed over, but I offer a tight smile, one he convinces himself is for the pain our family is going through.
My mom comes out then, hands full, but refusing help as she lays out a buffet on the picnic table my uncle Ian made as a gift for Lolli and Nate.
My mom stacks all our plates full, something I know she’ll miss, and my dad delivers them to where we sit.
The meal is more or less eaten in silence, or if there is conversation, I miss it, too lost in the whispers in my own mind to hear anything around me.
A little while later, everyone’s shuffling again, and my mom slips up. She hugs me, quietly sharing something with me, but I miss it too.
The next time I look up, it’s just us again, Chase and me, his plate sitting untouched before him.
He hasn’t moved.
I wish he would.
I wish he’d leave, but I know better than that.
Especially since his eyes, they’re locked on me, again or still… I don’t know, but I want him to look away, because I can’t, and it’s slowly killing me inside.
The troubled and tormented expression staring back at me right now, imploring me to understand shouldn’t be there.
I should be looking into the eyes of a determined, resolute man ready to hurdle mountains, tumble and fall, and climb to our feet again until we find the steady base at the top. Together. That’s what love looks like, right?
A mess of emotions?
A bumpy ride?
A thrilling experience?
But who the hell am I to say what love is?
All I know of it is what I’ve seen from my parents, and this is nothing like that.
This is agonizing.
Gazing at him now, at the flick of the flame as it bounces off those green eyes of his, both dim and dejected, I wonder if I’m being unfair.
Chase and I, we hadn’t really gotten to a starting point, then this morning happened.
Our emotions were out of sorts, we were hurting and confused, focused on loss and lost in what-ifs. The moment got the best of us.
We went from spunky attraction to sex on the beach under the bright moon.
From nothing to one hundred—real quick.
I want to grin at my inability to lock lyrics out of my head, but I can’t find it in me to acknowledge that piece of me right now.
The certainty of the situation is clear. Only a fool would deny what’s more than obvious, and that is what meant more than I’ll admit to myself, must have meant so much less to him.
I know Chase felt something, just like I know this is painful for him, too. A different kind of painful, but painful, nonetheless.
I’ve always wondered if we were a longshot best not taken, but now I know it’s true.
Reality is sad.
I’m sad, but I’ll have to get over it, because like my brother has been trying to tell me, keeping our friendships tight is more important than anything.
We didn’t make promises; I didn’t ask him for more before I gave him everything, and that’s on me. I’ll bear the burden if it means I get to keep him in some way.
With that thought in mind, I inhale, offering a soft smile to the man across from me.
It’s as if he was holding his breath, as a gush of air wooshes from his lips, and he jolts to his feet, finding his way over to the empty space beside me.
His gaze flies between mine. “Arianna…”
“I know.” I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat, unable to keep my eyes dry. “You don’t have to say it.”
His features pull. “I feel like a jackass. I knew what I was doing, and… I wanted it.” He looks into my eyes, and I see his truth. “I wanted you, Ari. I just, I don’ know. I didn’t think. I just jumped.” His head jerks away in frustration. “I feel like I’m screwing you over, like I’m treating you like you’re not important to me when you are.”
“Chase.” I fight hard to keep my voice from cracking. “Look at me.”
He looks over, but only with his eyes, as if the thought of facing me head-on is too much.
“I know better than that.” The left side of my mouth lifts sadly, a tear making its way down my cheek. “You were good to me.” I place my shaky hand on his knee, afraid to touch him but needing him to hear me. “I don’t regret it.”
He studies me, searching for sincerity, but his nod is unsure.
“You’re not some random girl, Ari. You’re more. You mean… so much more.” My heart punches me behind my ribs, and I wish he would stand and walk away, stop talking or something, but he continues.
“I don’t even know what happened,” he whispers earnestly. Regretfully. “We were standing there in the dark, your hair was blowing around and you… you looked so beautiful, Ari. And sad.” I clench my teeth to keep a sob from breaking free. “Everything with Payton, I don’t know. I had to kiss you. Once I did, I couldn’t stop.” He swallows, and I use every bit of strength I can muster not to look away.
Chase drops his attention to the ground, and I brace myself, adding a couple of nails into the organ beating behind my chest to keep it at bay, because I know what’s coming. I know what he’s about to say and it’s going to sting like no other.
Soft green eyes lift to mine, and I dig my nails into my thighs, focusing on the physical pain rather than the emotional torture he’s about to inflict.
And he does.
Chase’s voice is low and regretful as he whispers words I will never forget. “It was a mistake.”
I gasp on the inside.
“I don’t know, Ari. Maybe if things were different I… we…”
That’s all I can handle because things could be different. Things would be different… if he wanted them to be.
But at the end of the day, the facts are clear.
I mean a lot to Chase, but his friendship with my brother means more.
And that’s okay.
I’ve known it for years. I’ll know it for years to come.
Hopefully the ache doesn’t last as long as the hope did.
Pushing to my feet, I can hardly force a smile.
“I’m going to go home with my parents tonight.”
He’s on his feet in the next second. “No—”
“I need to leave, Chase,” I cut him off. “I’m fine. I just—” I can’t be around you. “I need to leave.” I need to figure out how I’m going to be able to face you after this.
“Yeah, okay,” he says quietly, dropping his chin to his chest. “What will you say to Mason when he asks why you’re leaving?”
A flicker of anger burns in my chest, but I push it away. “I don’t know, but after last night, I’m sure he’ll be happy to see me go.”
I start down the steps, both of us knowing my words are not true. My brother will be upset, angry even, but I can’t possibly be in that house with Chase just down the hall a day longer.
At the edge of the dock, Chase’s heartfelt words reach me, but they don’t soothe as he intended.
“I don’t want to lose you. It might not feel like it right now, but you mean a lot to me, Ari…”
“Yeah,” I breathe, while in the back of my mind, it whispers, just not enough.
Later that night, as I cross the road to climb into my dad’s truck, headlights catch my attention from a block down, blinding me. I lift my hand to shield my eyes, to try and see better, but then the light flicks off, and there’s nothing but darkness once again.
I climb into the back seat, close my eyes, and hope like hell when we get to Avix, it will be like nothing ever happened.
