If I could go back in time, I would do so many things differently.
It’s sad how it takes a solid blow to learn a hard lesson.
How loss shakes your core in a way love can’t.
Love aches, but love is a blessing, something you’d be lucky to experience.
Loss hurts, but loss is necessary, something you have to experience.
Loss makes people realize what they want. It lights a fire on a blind path and guides you through the flame, burning the uncertainties standing in your way as you go. It drives you to discover what you want because life is short. Too short.
And unpredictable.
Loss forces you to recognize who you can’t live without, who you refuse to lose. Loss makes you reckless, because loss? It sets you free.
At least, this is what it’s done to me.
It’s strange how a person trapped in their own mind walks without fear.
Fear is the one thing I’m not sure I’ve felt this entire time.
I’ve been nervous and anxious and unsure, on edge, but never afraid.
But right now, I am.
I’m fucking terrified.
Because I’m about to break someone.
People say to love someone with all you are is the most selfless thing you can do, but I find the opposite to be true.
Love has made me selfish because I can’t live without the man my heart belongs to. The man it truly belongs to.
I did a lot of thinking during the night. Reflecting on the last four years of my life, and when I woke this morning, it’s as if my eyes were clear for the first time.
That means I have to break the heart of a man whose only fault is my need for someone else.
It’s going to be hard.
Maybe even devastating.
But as I said…
Love made me selfish.
Loss made me see.
And longing I can’t live with.
Which is why I’m already out the door.
It’s time he knows where he stands.
That this is real.
And we’re forever.
I take the steps two at a time, and as I reach the front door, the man I came to see appears.
His eyes find mine instantly, and a soft smile appears.
Mine follows.
“I called.”
“I know.”
Chase holds out his hand, and I take it.
