THE WORST PARTS WERE THE nights.
When I couldn’t feel his body next to mine as I lay on Bane’s sofa. The memory of him was a weapon against me. His lips brushing the back of my neck like a lion that’s about to dig into his mate and fuck her raw. His hands running along my arms like he was undressing me from all my hang-ups, worries, and dark thoughts. His warm, slow breaths against my mouth. His pulse beating against mine. Was life worth living without these moments?
Every time I asked myself this question, I pushed the thought away and turned to the other side of the couch, fighting either the yellow itchy fabric of the back of the sofa, or squinting away from the light of the TV in Bane’s cabin, which was directly in front of me. Bane had been great about giving me a place to stay without asking when I was going to move, or to chip in on any costs for groceries. He did not, however, stop for a second his wild, rough life. Not that I’d expected him to, but with Mom in rehab and my father in jail, I really had nowhere to go. Mom’s lawyer offered to rent me a room in a hotel, but that was just more money I couldn’t afford—and who in the hell wanted to be alone in my situation? I needed a distraction. Human contact.
Bane screwed other people in his room like he was trying to break some kind of record.
They were loud and lewd, and there wasn’t a door separating his bedroom from the tiny living area.
But every time I thought about packing a bag and going to a hotel, I remembered the thoughts about the unknown with Theo and the known and devastating about Trent were going to haunt me, and I changed my mind.
This was another night on the sofa.
Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
I wished Bane had gotten rid of that clock after he’d gotten this boat. It seemed to have served as a reminder it’d been days since I’d seen both Trent and Theo.
And Luna. God, I missed Luna more than I’d expected to. The little sounds she made when she was amused or eager. They’d been my trophies for making her smile.
In the distance, I heard fishermen walking, chatting, and spitting, their heavy steps making the wood beneath their rubber shoes creak. It must’ve been dawn. They always came before the sun was out. Funny, the things you learn about a new place to make it your home. Noises, sounds, habits, people, smells…
The boat creaked.
That’s the thing about living on a boat. Everything throws your world off-balance. Bane loved it. Living on the edge of everything. Me, I craved stability. I wanted to feel like I was rooted into the ground, not blowing in the wind.
Something dropped outside on the deck. Something…light. I craned my neck, peering toward the small window by the door. It was dirty and made of cheap plastic. But I could see something. Someone. Someone who shouldn’t have been there.
Carefully, I got up from the sofa and tiptoed to the makeshift kitchen. An open jar of peanut butter was on the counter and a half-licked sharp knife on the edge of the sink.
I grabbed it, for once thankful Bane had the tendency to use a steak knife to make anything, even peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
I passed by Bane’s open room, wondering if I should wake him up. Probably not. It was probably one of his drunk friends, passing out on the deck or pissing into the bucket he kept there for when he went fishing. Slipping into my Dr. Martens, I opened the door a few inches and peeked outside through the slit.
Nothing.
No one.
I looked down. There was a pile of seashells waiting in front of the door. I opened it wider and walked out. The shells were from the same kind. Yellow Prickly Cockle. Not too rare, but your chances of picking a handful of seashells and finding the exact same type were slim. Seashells are like people. They differ in size, color, and shape, but all are beautiful all the same. I squatted down, taking one in my hand. It was still cold and fresh from the ocean. I squinted my eyes, staring ahead at the pink, purple, and blue of the sunrise, looking for the person who’d left them, when my eyes rested on another pile by the stairway leading to the deck.
More shells.
Walking over to where they were, my heart began to pound more furiously. A cluster of Jewel Box shells, rare and gorgeous, was waiting for me. Cold. Fresh. How?
I picked one and pocketed it along with the Prickly Cockle. Then moved forward, descending to the pier, where another pile waited.
Rose Murex. I pocketed one. Moved forward.
Periwinkle. Jesus, how? How? Pocket.
I jogged from the pier to the promenade, eager to find out the meaning of all this.
Lion’s Paw.
Banded Tulip.
Turrid.
Pointed Venus, and I was so far from the marina, I had to look up and see where I’d stopped. There were no more shells to collect, and I was standing in the middle of the promenade, panting, still wearing an oversized shirt I’d borrowed from Bane, my hair a matted mess. I looked around me. All the shops were closed. What did it mean? What in the hell was happening here?
Pointed Venus.
Where was it pointing? I looked straight to the direction of the sharp edge of the shell. It was an alleyway. An alleyway I remembered. An alleyway where I’d left one of my sweetest, roughest, most heart-defining memories.
It was where Trent had shoved me against the wall for the first time, threatening me, taunting me, calling me out on my bullshit.
On shaking legs, I crossed the road. My whole body was humming a song I didn’t know. I felt so alive I thought I was going to scream. The hope it filled me with was dangerous. It threatened to crush me to pieces if it was wrong. I walked into the bluish dawn readily, knowing it could give me all the light I needed.
“Trent?” His name sounded like a wish. What was I doing, hoping to see him there?
But I heard nothing. I took another step, pressing my back against the same wall, at the same spot we’d met for the first time, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath.
“Please,” I said.
“Please, what?” His voice came out of nowhere. I didn’t open my eyes. Maybe it was just my imagination. Maybe I’d gone crazy. And perhaps I didn’t care anymore. I couldn’t risk opening my eyes and not seeing him there, so I kept them closed.
“Please forgive me.”
“For what?”
“For trying to ruin you. For trying to ruin myself, us. For not trusting myself enough to do the right thing about my father and Theo so long. For being a coward. But most of all, I am sorry for not telling you how I felt. Because maybe then you’d have taken a step back and none of that would have happened.”
“What are you feeling, Edie?” He cupped my cheek in his big, warm palm, and that’s how I knew it was real. That he was real. My eyes snapped open, and he was there, in front of me, in the flesh. The man who filled my heart with music with his silence.
“I…” My mouth parted, but I couldn’t finish the sentence. His lips slammed into mine in a desperate kiss that made my head spin and sucked the air from my lungs. His lips sucked mine, comforting me with their sweet warmth, and I gripped his flexed forearms, pulling him closer.
“You never gave Jordan the flash drive,” Trent said.
I wanted to cry. Every night, I’d lain in bed praying he’d somehow figure it out without me telling him. I didn’t want him to have to choose between Val and me.
“How could I?” I moaned into his lips. “How could I when you’re my ocean.”
We drowned in another kiss. A different kiss. A kiss of affirmation. That this was real. And no matter how twisted and wrong and bad it looked—and sometimes felt—it was also ours.
“I don’t want to come between you and the mother of your child,” I whimpered into his mouth so pathetically, I had to claw my fingers deeper into the skin of his arm to keep him close. Shockingly, he gave me what I wanted, gluing his body into mine, giving me everything he could.
“The mother of my child came between her relationship with Luna, not you. You were the one who taught Luna to smile. You were the one who spent time with her. Who fucking took her by the hand when she was bullied. You’re more of a mother to my daughter than Val would ever be. I don’t know what you saw the day when Val came to my apartment, but whatever it was, you got the wrong idea. She never gave a shit about her kid. She came here to claim money and power. And she is going to crawl back to where she came from.”
“I’m so sorry.” I touched his face, pulling away, staring at him.
“I’m not,” he said. “I’m also not sorry for sending your father to jail. Edie, he did some terrible things that you need to know about.”
I nodded. “I believe you.” And I did. I’d already heard some of them. No matter what Trent would tell me about my father, I knew he was telling the truth. Because Jordan Van Der Zee had absolutely no limits.
Trent kissed my nose softly, his forehead dropping to mine. “I love you,” he said, cupping my neck from both sides and shaking his head in exasperation, like this was a mistake. Like he shouldn’t be loving me, but had no other choice. My heart swelled. “I’m so fucking in love with you, Edie Van Der Zee, I don’t know where I end and where you begin anymore. I love you despite knowing that it is crazy. That our situations are disastrous. I love you knowing that you should have at least a few more experiences before you find the love. I love you even though we’re not at the same place in life, have nothing in common, and started off so fucking bad. And still, I love you.”
“I love you.” I sniffed, holding back my tears, pressing my forehead deeper to his. “I love how fierce you are when it comes to the people you care about. I love that you’re so aware of your flaws. I love that you fight them. I even love it when you succumb to them. I love every single part of you. The good and the bad. And I will never love anyone else the way I do you, because it’s not about my age. It’s about my heart. It belongs to you. Trent Rexroth, you’re my ocean. You make me wet.”
He grinned, pulling me into a tight hug. “I would have come for you, Van Der Zee, even if you had given him the flash drive. Even if you threw me in the lion’s den. And I promise to never stop making you wet, my Little Tide. Promise to always keep you drenched.”
