“I’m glad to finally meet you.”
The woman in front of me was Rachel Kingsley. Luca had planned a field trip and wanted all the support he could get for what we were about to do. Ange and most of the Chicago mafia didn’t leave until after midnight, and even then, it was because Luca had to send them away.
We assembled in the grand foyer. Elias was already in bed, and Nessa was staying with him in the nursery. With us was Doc Gleason, Tony, and Dario who decided to spend the night.
“I’m not gonna ask if there is a jolt of familiarity,” Luca said dryly. “Clearly there isn’t.”
I stared at the woman a while longer and cocked my head at him. “No. There isn’t. But I’m curious what you’ve done that you’re afraid I’ll remember.”
“It seems his sins are already stacked against him. He didn’t want to add to them,” Rachel said.
“He’s apologized in advance though,” I said.
“Can we get this party moving?” Luca grumbled. “Rachel, ride with me and Natalya. Gleason, you can go with Dario.”
As we piled into our SUVs, I noticed that we formed a convoy of three. Luca was driving and Tony was beside him. Rachel and I were in the second row. Dario drove the lead vehicle while another group of mafia soldiers brought up the rear. I thought most of the men had left, but I saw them scattered around the estate, and more than a few had rifles slung on their shoulders.
“You’re already expecting trouble?” I leaned between the console and asked Luca as the guard at the gate waved us through.
“We can’t keep your reappearance a secret even if I tell Ange to keep quiet about it. He brought a slew of men with him.” Luca seemed irritated at this. “I’m just preparing for the worst. I haven’t heard from the Galluzo or your parents yet but word will reach them. It’s only a matter of time.”
I leaned back. “I guess it’s too much to expect CIA-level security.”
Rachel laughed beside me. “I see what you mean by Natalya being different.”
“Am I that different?” I was finding this fascinating about who I was before.
“Let me put it this way,” Rachel said. “You’re more blunt and more self-assured.”
“I’m feeling far from self-assured.”
“Not about the amnesia, but I don’t think you’ll let Luca get away with things as much.”
“I brought you here for support just in case Natalya had a breakthrough memory,” Luca said. “And not to massacre my reputation.” Glancing briefly in the rearview mirror, he continued, “We’re not sure if anyone was keeping tabs on you in Danvers. If there was, your disappearance would trip alarms.”
“So you’re thinking they’re only waiting me out?”
“We have no records of who dropped you off in St. Louis.”
“I could have told you that,” I said. “And we’ve already established my whole background is bullshit.”
Rachel gave another puff of laughter. “I see Luca is going to have his hands full whether you get your memory back or not.”
I didn’t say anything. I’d already mentioned it to Luca several times.
“They’ve taken great pains to either hide you from me or from the people who are after you. If the ones who did this to you are responsible for your kidnapping, they would have kept you prisoner until your memory returned.”
Luca turned from the main road into a narrower one that had cornfields on both sides. He didn’t tell me where we were going. I thought he was taking me to the hospital where I’d given birth and have those X-rays of my brain he wanted me to have.
He’d been surreptitiously casting me glances in the rearview mirror. It took little deduction that this area was supposed to trigger something. “Was this where the Russians took me?” I asked.
“Is it familiar or is that your theory?”
His question made me think. And this was the reason why Gleason didn’t want to force information on me because my mind might start filling the empty spots in my memory to produce false ones. On the other hand, there wasn’t enough to formulate a complete scene. A pit of anxiety started forming in my gut that I’d taken my memories only so far and I would never get them back.
“Are you feeling okay?” Rachel asked. “Is this exercise confusing for you?”
“I’m okay. Physically, I’m fine. No flashes or anything, but this place is making me anxious, and I’m not sure if it’s the pressure of having me remember things.”
“Should I turn back?” Luca asked.
“No!” I said, the agitation growing. “Keep going. We’ve come this far.”
A crack of thunder reverberated and shook the car.
“Shit,” Tony said. “It’s going to rain.”
“Was it raining the night I was taken?”
“No,” Luca clipped.
“But you love—” Tony started.
“Shut up, Tony,” Luca snapped.
“Everyone calm down,” I said. “I don’t want people to be on pins and needles around me and watching everything they say or do. That’s just adding to the pressure. I think this little field trip is necessary because this is where I lost my memory. So, I’m all for going through with it.”
The silence that followed my statement was loud and only heightened the rumblings of thunder which in turn escalated the tension in the car. I checked the weather earlier, and it called for rain. A cold front would be rolling in, bringing cooler temperatures.
Trees loomed over the road and the moon had long disappeared behind the clouds. The headlights of our convoy led the way, but it was pitch black further out.
We’d been on a narrow road for twelve minutes when the vehicle in front of us slowed and made a turn onto a gravel driveway. The first large drop of rain hit my window. The SUV rocked and creaked and the overgrowth on the side of the road hinted of an abandoned property.
There were lights up ahead and I was surprised to see two vehicles already there.
“I sent an advanced party to sweep the place,” Luca said.
“Who owns it?”
“Used to own,” Luca corrected. “One of the Russians who abducted you. The bank has repossessed the property.”
“So we’re trespassing.”
“There’s nothing to steal. It’s just a piece of land now.”
I found out what he meant when we reached what only could have been the house and what was left of it—charred frame of a wall with a broken window.
When Luca parked the SUV, I immediately got out. I walked up to the structure’s rubble. Opposite of the wall was a chimney. What I could see was as far as the headlights illuminated. Years of greenery had sprouted from the ruins.
Drops of rain splattered on my face. Lightning streaked across the sky.
Luca walked to my side.
“You thought I was in there,” I said, still riveted on the burned-out house.
He didn’t answer. When I glanced at him, his jaw was clenched, and his throat was working like he was swallowing repeatedly.
“It was on fire when we arrived.” His voice was low and guttural. His Adam’s apple bobbed again. “I thought you were in there.” He got the words out quickly before inhaling a ragged breath.
“Luca…”
He turned to me and I was sucker-punched by the torment etched on his entire face. His eyes gleamed. His mouth moved and twisted but no further words came. His expression contorted into one final twist of agony before he crushed me against him and buried his face into my shoulder.
“I thought I lost you,” he choked.
Tears stung my eyes. His anguish was so raw, it swept me away. His body shook, and I wasn’t sure if he was crying or not. Instinct made me cling to him. He was like a proud lion punctured with a deep wound seeking comfort from me, the one person who could take his pain away.
I didn’t even realize it started to rain until we were soaked. Luca had shielded me with his body, and I didn’t feel cold. We stood in front of the ruins. The ruins that held the answers to the night I disappeared.
My body rapidly chilled when Luca let me go. It was pouring rain by the time we returned to the SUV.
Luca got a mylar blanket from the Escalade’s cargo area. I was just wearing a T-shirt, and I didn’t think twice about stripping when he handed me the blanket. I caught a weird expression on his face just before he closed the door. That gave me pause and I wondered how taking off my clothes in front of Luca seemed so natural. Warmth suffused my cheeks, but the rest of my body was still cold.
Rachel didn’t stay out of the SUV for long, so she was dry. She tapped my knee. “The two of you out there…” She clutched her hands over her chest.
“Are you crying?” I asked.
“What? No!”
She totally was.
Luca got into the SUV. “I’m sorry if I wasted your time.”
“Hmm…” Rachel said.
“What?” Luca looked at us.
“I don’t think it was a waste of time. It’s closure,” Rachel said. “You’re erasing what you experienced that day of the fire with a better memory. Natalya has returned to you.”
Have I returned though?
Unlike his vulnerability in the rain, Luca scoffed, “Don’t psychoanalyze me. What’s next?” He gunned the engine. The rain was abating.
Rachel leaned over to me. “He’s the king of avoidance.”
My teeth were chattering, but I managed, “Nessa said he’s the king of denial.”
“I’m right fucking here,” he growled.
Tony was the only one who had no comment, but when Luca was checking his side-view mirror, the other man glanced at me and shook his head with a grin on his face.
Luca blasted the heat in the cabin, and I warmed up fast. I begged him to turn it off because I was sweating.
“Take a shower when you get home,” he told me. “I don’t want you getting sick.”
“That’s a myth,” Rachel said.
“No, it’s not.”
The two bickered all the way home. I was disappointed the burned-out house didn’t trigger a memory, but like Rachel said, that exercise had done more for Luca. But something happened between us in the rain. Whereas before I felt disconnected from his grief, like he was grieving for another person and I empathized with him, this time it was as if he was grieving directly to me.
It was intense, and I couldn’t describe the pain I felt as he clutched me to him. The words in my ear were muffled in the deluge of the rain, but whatever they meant, they transmitted directly into my heart like a live wire.
The trip home seemed faster, or it was because I was so lost in my thoughts, soaking in these new emotions. I wanted to check on Elias before I turned in, but Luca was a tyrant about me taking a warm shower.
So that was what I did. Somehow, even when the surface of my skin was warm and my cheeks seemed to be running a fever, there was a marrow-deep chill in my bones. Once I got under the shower, I stayed under it longer than normal. And when I stepped out, I was so impatient that I had to dry my hair when all I wanted to do was hug my son.
After quickly drying my hair and putting on pajamas, I stepped out of the room, surprised to see Mrs. B sitting on my bed.
I padded into the room. “You don’t like thunderstorms either, and they let you up here?”
I could hear the cat purring like a chatterbox. “I’m going to go see Elias, and I’ll be right back. You can snuggle with me.”
But the cat jumped off the bed and ran ahead of me. She seemed to know where I was going.
The door to the nursery was ajar, and Luca was already inside. He was pulling a shirt over his head when he heard me.
“No, Mrs. B, you can’t come in here,” Luca muttered.
“She was in my bedroom,” I said.
“Thunderstorm.”
“Yes, Martha told me.” I walked over to the twin bed where Elias was sleeping.
At the edge of the mattress, I leaned over to kiss my son. He was on his back, oblivious to his parents. “Bet he didn’t even wake up when you came in.”
Luca shook his head. “I’m going for a shot of whiskey. Do you want to join me in the study?”
“No, I’m…” My eyes fell on Mrs. B, sitting on a gigantic teddy bear that was on its side. The cat was staring at me with intent golden eyes. My whole body went cold. It was like I was in a trance, mesmerized by the giant stuffed toy.
“What’s wrong?” Luca’s voice was sharp.
The words, when they came, sounded alien. It was like I’d disconnected from myself. “Where did that teddy bear come from?”
“It was in the closet. Elias probably wanted to ride on it.”
I walked to it and dropped to my knees. Mrs. B jumped off and rubbed her body against mine.
Swallowing hard, I turned the stuff toy, so the zipper was facing me. A zipper I knew that was expertly hidden in a seam. Luca came up behind me. I was breathing hard now because images flashed in my head like an endless reel, but I fought against the oncoming migraine.
I pulled down the zipper, and my hand went in. The action was so instinctive, I closed my eyes when my fingers touched what it expected to touch. The bumps and indentations of the stickers on the surface of my old laptop, the familiar width of it between my index finger and thumb, and the heft when I lifted it out.
A cry snagged in my throat with the avalanche of memories that crashed through my head.
I remembered everything.
