“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you about my daughter…” I hit the backspace button erasing every word. “I waited to make sure…” Deleted. “She’s not only mine.” Delete, delete, delete.
I shouldn’t have walked out on him the way I had. I should have stayed and made Chase listen to me. But he was gone. He left for Europe. And I felt horrible. I should have told him about Amelia earlier. The look on his face cut me to the core. He looked like I had deceived him so utterly. Like I had manipulated and connived and lied. I hadn’t, I just hadn’t told him about her right away.
So many times, I started to send him a text trying to explain. I deleted them every time. They didn’t make any sense. What words should I use to tell him that I couldn’t tell anybody about Amelia? How would I tell him that he had a baby he didn’t know about from a night he probably didn’t even remember? How was I supposed to do this?
I would do it one day at a time. That’s how I would survive.
I went to work. If all my job was, as John called it, “playing on the internet,” then I shined in my new role as Social Media Manager. It was fun. I enjoyed my job. I no longer cared whether I could show John who was right and who was wrong. Well, he was still wrong, and I was still right. But it really wasn’t about that vendetta anymore.
I was making a difference. CP Manhattan was positioned to appeal to a younger demographic, an untouched client base, and as an expert in the field. Our social media platform was growing by leaps and bounds every day. I obsessively checked the numbers, so I knew we suddenly had a Twitter following. I had competitors who engaged in friendly banter with me. I made infographics for Instagram, positioning CP Manhattan as a fun industry expert.
I buried myself in work. And I went home, where I lost myself in taking care of Amelia. I continued to narrate everything we did because Amelia wasn’t talking, and it was starting to bother me.
“I’m going to call the paediatrician,” Mom said after I asked if Amelia was using her words. “I think we should have her assessed.”
I nodded. I didn’t want to face the possibility that Amelia was developmentally behind, but it needed to be done. Just as telling Chase I had a child had to be done.
“Let’s go to Orchard View for the long weekend,” Mom suggested. “Let’s get out of the city, get some fresh air. You seem so stressed. I think getting away will help you feel better.”
I couldn’t have agreed more. Getting out of the city where it was gloomy and the snow that was left on the streets was dirty and slushy. It was cold and miserable here.
“Orchard View for the weekend,” I sighed. “That would be nice.”
It was dark when we pulled up to the estate. The lights were already on. Mom had told the groundskeeper to make sure that the heat was on and that there were lights for us when we got there. She and Yana unpacked the car. I carried Amelia up to her room and then I crashed, exhausted, into my own bed. But I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think about anything other than that look on Chase’s face when I told him I had a kid.
He had been looking at me like I mattered. Like fucking me on the table was the most magical thing he had ever encountered, and then in the blink of an eye, his expression changed. There was no smile tugging at his lips, no mischievous twinkle in his eyes.
I pulled out my phone and stared at it. I needed to get this over with. I needed to text Chase. My thumbs began flying over the words faster than I realized I was thinking.
“Chase. I know I left in a hurry before I had a chance to properly explain. I know you probably couldn’t have heard me that night anyway. I hope you can hear me now when I say I had no intention of misleading you. My family isn’t supportive. They’re very judgmental. I had to keep my baby hidden for several years before I felt safe enough to tell them about her. Now, it’s been so ingrained in how I live that it’s a habit I’ve gotten into. Most of my friends don’t even know about her yet. The ones who do, I left behind in Europe. She is my everything. She is amazing. And I hope you decide that what we have together is worth at least meeting her. What happened between us happened so fast. I wasn’t prepared. Had we gone at a slower pace I might have had time to properly tell you about my life. And let you know that there was a child. I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you sooner. I hope you’re willing to meet her. She’s an amazing baby.”
I had to stop typing. I was becoming redundant and pitiful. I didn’t read over the words, afraid that I would delete everything again. I hit send. The message was gone. It was out there.
I stared at my phone waiting, hoping to see those three little dots that indicated he was texting me back. But there was no response. There was no checkmark to let me know that the message had even been read. I just stared at my phone until I fell asleep.
The next morning after breakfast, Mom dressed Amelia in the most adorable snowsuit that was all baby pink and soft yellow with roses on it. And then we went out into the snow to play. The air felt cleaner at Orchard View than it did in the city. The snow was pristine sparkling white. Amelia had never played in snow before. Her giggling and joy were infectious. She rolled in the snow, and she threw it and I tried to show her how to make a snowball.
We piled snow up into a big heap like we were making a snowman, but with a lot less shape to it. Her little nose turned pink, and I took so many pictures. I showed her how to make a snow angel and took pictures of that. She had so much fun.
Neither of us wanted to go in but we needed to. It was cold outside, and it felt like it was getting colder even though the sun was out and shining and the sky was blue.
“Coe.” Amelia looked up at me and said, “Coe.”
“Cold. Yes. It is cold,” I said. “Cold.”
“Coe,” she repeated.
It was good to have her talking. She needed to talk more.
I picked her up and asked, “Should we go inside and get some hot chocolate with marshmallows?”
She clapped and giggled and laughed. She was the joy that she always was, and Chase needed to meet this child of his. He needed to see how happy, how beautiful, and how precious she was. I knew once he met her, he would change his mind about kids. He had to, he already had one and she is simply perfect.
“Are you going to send me some of those pictures?” Mom asked once we were inside.
“I’ll send them right now.” I stomped the snow off my boots and sat down in the kitchen. Once I had a hot cup of chocolate in front of me, I began selecting which pictures to send.
I picked the cutest ones. Included in the pictures I picked was a selfie of the two of us smiling, and so many snow angels. I hit send.
I froze as I realized I accidentally sent all those pictures to Chase. I didn’t breathe for a second. Could I unsend them? Did I want to unsend them? Maybe that was a good mistake to have sent him all those pictures. Maybe not.
I took a few deep breaths and took a sip of my chocolate. I put the phone down. I needed to finish the hot chocolate before I did anything else and make another stupid mistake.
I tried to go so slow and sip the chocolate. But I couldn’t. I practically gulped it down and then I picked my phone up again. This time I made sure that when I sent those photos, I sent them to my mom.
I sent Chase a text. “Sorry, that was an accident. I meant to send those pictures to my mom. I sent them to the last number I had texted and that was you. Please don’t think I was doing that on purpose.”
I put my phone down and stared at it, terrified he was going to text me back immediately, terrified that I managed to screw things up even more than I already had.
