Day 1
I had just finished buttoning my shirt when it happened. There was a loud bang and something hit me in the face. I reached up to touch my cheek. My breath left me in the span of a heartbeat. Caleb was on top of me, shouting, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. I couldn’t seem to hear anything.
My head hurt. I’d smacked it on the ground when Caleb tackled me. Debris was flying everywhere.
“Livvie!” Caleb yelled and shook me. It penetrated the silence in my head.
BOOM! Another torrent of debris flew toward us. Caleb lay on top of me, shielding my face with his arms as he tucked his head near my shoulder.
Someone was fucking shooting at us. My eyes cut to the door and I could see large gaping holes where wood used to be.
We rolled behind the bed. My entire body was shaking and I had no idea what was going on. Caleb was shoving me and I cried out in pain.
“Get in the tub!” He shouted. He shoved me again.
I managed to get on my hands and knees. I crawled the few feet to the bathroom and scrambled into the tub. I realized Caleb wasn’t with me.
“Caleb!” I screamed. The bathroom door slammed shut. I was too scared to move.
“He’s going to die out there, you stupid bitch! Do something!” Ruthless Me, screamed.
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t, fucking, move. My entire world was moving in slow motion and there was nothing I could do to speed it back up. I felt something wet on my face. My hand came away bloody when I touched it.
“Caleb!” I screamed again.
A loud bang rattled the bathroom door and I threw myself back in the tub. I couldn’t stop screaming or crying.
“You fucking coward, Livvie! I’ll never forgive you,” Ruthless said.
I slapped my hands over my ears, willing the voice to go away. I could still hear her screaming, begging me to do something. I could hear yelling just outside the door; a struggle. The door shook repeatedly as something was slammed against it.
“Help him!”
“What do you want me to do?!” I screamed out loud.
“Stay down!” I heard Caleb yell.
“Help him!”
Hearing Caleb’s voice, knowing he was fighting to stay alive only a few feet away seemed to clear some of my panic.
“The gun, Livvie. The gun. Where is it?” Ruthless said.
I took several deep breaths, frantic breaths, as I tried to remember. Where was the gun? Where was the gun? In the bag!
“Good, Livvie. Where’s the bag?”
I sobbed loudly, “I don’t know.”
A string of loud and angry shouting came through the door. I didn’t understand it, but I knew it was Arabic. They’d come for us. Rafiq was here to kill us.
“The bag!” Ruthless screamed.
Images. They flashed through my mind’s eye in rapid succession: I brought the bag in. I set it down on the table. Caleb picked it up and took it into the bathroom. He needed a butterfly stitch for his head. It was in there when I showered.
I looked around the bathroom, but I didn’t see it.
It was there when I went to bed. Caleb and I had sex and after, he wanted clean underwear. Next to the bed on Caleb’s side.
“Get there, Livvie. Get to the gun,” Ruthless said.
I shook my head back and forth as I sobbed. I didn’t know what was out there. If I opened the door…
“They already know you’re in here! You’re going to die. Caleb is going to die. Please!”
I scrambled out of the tub. The bathroom was tiny, my foot still touched the edge of the tub as I put my hand against the door. I could still hear Caleb fighting someone on the other side.
“I’m coming out!” I screamed.
“No!” Caleb yelled and there was a loud crash.
I gripped the handle of the door and pulled it open. The clothing rack was directly across from the bathroom, creating a little square alcove to the side of the bedroom. I could see Caleb on the floor, grappling with someone.
“Run, Livvie!”
I stood up and tried to run past them and get on the bed. A hand reached out and grabbed my ankle. I fell, face first onto the floor, but the pain didn’t register. I kicked with my legs, blind to what or whom I was hitting. The hand let go.
I looked back and saw blood. Caleb’s head was down. There was a loud, panicked scream and the person under Caleb pulled at his hair to wrench him backward. Caleb’s mouth opened on a scream and blood came spurting out.
The screams continued, one after the other.
I froze. The screaming. I couldn’t take the screaming.
Caleb’s body was suddenly thrown toward the alcove. I didn’t recognize our attacker. His face gushed with blood and a flap of skin hung from his cheek.
I screamed.
The man was still screaming as he threw himself on top of Caleb. He was beating his head into the floor.
I forced myself to move. I scrambled toward the bed, frantically running my hands underneath and feeling for the bag. It was there! I pulled it out and dumped it out on the floor. The gun came toppling out and I gripped it. It went off. I hit myself in the face with the back of my hand.
“Livvie!” Caleb yelled. The sound was a wet gurgle.
I regrouped quickly and held the gun in both hands. I pulled the hammer back and my hands trembled as I pointed it at the man on top of Caleb. “Get off him! Now!”
He turned to look at me, the flap of skin on his face just hanging there as blood gushed out, one heavy spurt after another. He rushed me and I squeezed the trigger. The force toppled me. My vision blurred for a couple of seconds. I scrambled backward on my hands, searching for the gun behind me.
I’d shot him. Our attacker lay on the ground, his body twitching and shuddering. His hands clawed at his chest. There was blood everywhere.
“What did I do?!” I screamed.
“What did I do?!”
“What did I do?!”
“Caleb, Livvie! Focus. Focus on Caleb. Where’s Caleb?” Ruthless said.
Somehow, I registered the situation. I looked toward the bathroom. Caleb wasn’t moving. No. No, no, no, no, no! I saw red. Nothing but red! I found the gun and picked it back up. I crawled over and put the barrel on our attacker’s chest. He tried to fight me while I pulled back the hammer, but he was weak, and my rage made me strong. I screamed as I pulled the trigger and blood sprayed my face, neck, and body. When I opened my eyes, I stared directly into his wide open chest.
“Caleb!” I yelled. When he didn’t answer, I crawled toward him, terrified of what I might find when I reached him. He wasn’t moving. He was covered in blood and he wasn’t moving! I pulled his head into my lap and tapped the side of his face, “Caleb? Wake up, baby. Wake up! We have to go.” There was no reaction. “Please. Please, God!” I put my hand on his chest. He was breathing.
I could hear shouting from outside. People running and squealing tires leaving the parking lot. Cops would be here soon. I put Caleb’s head down and grabbed his shirt to sit him up. “Wake up! Please!” I shook him. His head fell forward and he coughed blood onto my pants. “Oh! Oh! Thank you!” I pulled him to my chest, running my hands all over him.
“Livvie,” he said. And then he really woke up, “Livvie!” He pulled back and stared at me in shock. He pushed me to one side and looked behind me, then back to my face. “Are you okay?” he said frantically.
I nodded, tears streaming down my face.
“We have to go,” he said. “Now. Get up.” He pushed me up and I helped him stand. He grabbed my hand and stooped down to scoop up the gun.
I ran to the pile of things next to the bed and found the keys. I shoved everything else inside in one huge ball.
“Get to the truck, Livvie,” Caleb said. He seemed much too calm.
I ran across the parking lot, surprised to discover there were no people out there anymore. I managed to get the key into the lock and open the door. I scrambled inside and slammed it shut.
I heard another gunshot and ducked. Nothing happened for several seconds, but then the truck shook and I heard a loud thud. I squeezed my eyes shut. The cab door opened.
“It’s me, Livvie. It’s me,” Caleb whispered. He found the keys in my hand and pried them loose. He peeled out of the parking lot as I shivered and cried on the seat next to him. After a while, I felt his fingers in my hair, gently stroking my head.
I had killed a man. I was covered in his blood.
I had to do it. I’m not sorry.
And I wasn’t. I wasn’t sorry the son of a bitch was dead. I’d known he was dead after I shot him the first time. There was no way he could have survived the wound I’d given him. I had shot him the second time because…I wanted to. He had tried to kill me, but it was seeing Caleb’s motionless body, that had ultimately filled me with rage. Caleb was mine. I was through letting people take things from me.
We drove for a few hours. I had no idea where we were and I didn’t care. I kept my head on Caleb’s lap and let him touch me. Everything in my world made sense if Caleb kept touching me.
Eventually, Caleb stopped the truck, but he asked me to stay put while he took care of the body in the bed. The final shot I had heard was Caleb shooting the guy in the face. He didn’t want him identified. The guy in question had been Jair’s cousin, Khalid.
I wanted to ask about Rafiq and the others, but then I remembered the way Caleb had come back to the room, shell-shocked and devoid of life. Some things were better left unsaid. Caleb and I were alive. We were together. Everything else? I didn’t need to know.
Caleb got back in the truck faster than I would have expected. “It’s done,” he said.
“You buried him?” I asked doubtfully.
“No need. The animals can have him,” he said. He reached across the seat and pulled my forehead toward his lips. “I killed that man, Livvie. Do you understand?” he whispered.
“What? No.”
“Livvie! Listen to what I’m telling you!” He looked me dead in my eyes. His expression was hard and cold. “I killed him.” He nodded his head until I mimicked him.
“Okay,” I whispered.
“Good girl,” he whispered and kissed me. Our agreement was sealed.
***
I should have known what Caleb was planning. There had been plenty of signs. I should have questioned him more about what had traumatized him back at Felipe’s mansion. I should have demanded to know the plan when I kept seeing signs for Texas. At the very least, I should have asked more questions about the piece of paper Caleb demanded I memorize. He said anyone with the pass codes and account information could gain access and it was important only he and I knew the information. I had felt so special. I thought he trusted me. I had felt like a spy when I burned the piece of paper and threw the ashes out the window.
I didn’t ask questions. I didn’t demand answers. Instead, I had been completely blindsided when Caleb stopped the truck and shattered my entire world by saying our time together had come to an end.
We were both silent for a long time. I didn’t want to be the first to speak, I was afraid I couldn’t. Caleb finally cleared his throat and broke the silence, “The border is just a few kilometers up the road. I can’t go any closer.” He gestured to the blood all over him.
“What makes you think I can? I killed –”
“You didn’t kill anyone!” He shouted. “You were kidnapped. You’ve been trying to escape and for months…I’ve…I kept you prisoner. I raped you,” he said.
His words were a knife in my heart and I slapped him. Hard. “Don’t say that! I know how we started out, Caleb. I know! But, please,” I begged. “I love you.”
Caleb’s eyes welled up with tears, but he smiled and rubbed his face, “You slapped me,” he laughed. “Again!”
“Why are you doing this, Caleb?” I asked as calmly as I could, but already, my throat was thick with the sobs I was trying to hold inside.
He looked at me and I could see the faintest trace of something resembling the pain on my own face. “Because…it’s the right thing to do.”
“Why can’t you let me decide for myself what the right thing is? I want to stay with you.” I choked out. My heart raced, and I could no longer hold back my tears. He was giving me my chance to go home, to go back to my life, to go back to everything I said I wanted – but all I could think was none of it mattered if it meant I’d never see him again.
He gripped the steering wheel tightly and pressed his forehead against it, “You don’t know what you want, Livvie, and what you think you want, you’ve been brainwashed into wanting.” I immediately took a breath in order to protest; he held up his hand to stop me.
“I’ve been doing this a long time – manipulating people to get my way. That’s why you think you love me! Because I’ve broken you down and built you back up to believe it. It wasn’t an accident! Once you leave this behind…you’ll see that.”
I could barely see him through the mist of tears clouding my vision. Caleb believed everything he said. I could hear it in his voice – but he was wrong. He hadn’t manipulated me into loving him. He’d tried to do the very opposite.
“So, that’s it? You think I’m just some idiot that fell for your bullshit! Well you’re wrong! I fell in love with you, Caleb. I fell in love with your sick sense of humor. I fell in love with the way you protected me. You saved my life!”
“I went to collect my property, Livvie,” he said solemnly.
“I’m not Livvie anymore! I’m yours! Isn’t that what you said? Isn’t it what you promised? What we swore!” I wept.
“I don’t want to own you. I want you to be free and as long as you’re with me…I’ll always see you as my slave,” he whispered.
I couldn’t stand the sight of Caleb’s head bowed in shame. He was much too proud a person. “I was never your slave, Caleb. You tried, I’ll give you that, but we both know you belong to me, as much as I, belong to you. If you’d really been able to break me down, and build me back up, neither of us would be here. No matter how fucked up the circumstances, I genuinely fell in love with you…and…and believe it or not…you love me too.”
“Kitten,” he said, “monsters can’t love.” He swiped at his eyes, “Now, get out of the truck. Walk toward the border, and don’t ever look back.”
Unable to control myself any longer I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could. “I love you, Caleb. I love you! If you care for me at all…please, don’t do this! Please, don’t leave me. I don’t know how to live without you. Don’t make me go back to trying to be someone I don’t know how to be anymore.”
His arms gently guided me back, and when our eyes met, I finally saw the emotions he tried so hard to keep hidden, and the resolve with which he said, “Live for me, Kitten. Be all those things you’d never be with me. Go to school. Meet a normal boy and fall in love. Forget me. It’s time for you to go, Kitten. Time for us both, to go.”
“Where will you go?”
“It’s best you don’t know.”
My heart sank, but I knew I had lost the argument and there was no stopping this goodbye. I wanted to kiss him then, just one last kiss to remember him by, but I knew kissing him would only be torture. I wanted to remember our last kiss as being one of passion and connection, not one of sadness and regret.
I let him go and opened the door.
“Take this,” he whispered and pushed the gun toward me. “It’s how you escaped.”
I stared at the gun for a long time. I even contemplated taking Caleb hostage with it and forcing him to drive us somewhere else. But he’d hurt me. His rejection stung more than anyone’s and my pride wouldn’t let me beg him anymore.
I picked up the gun and stared at his perfect profile as he stared out the windshield without a glance in my direction. He’d made his choice and it wasn’t me. I stepped out of the truck, slammed the door and started my trek toward the border.
As I walked, I could feel his eyes on me, the way I could always feel his eyes on me. Tears ran down my face unabashed, but I didn’t move to wipe them away. I had earned those tears, and I would wear them as a symbol of everything I had been through. They represented all the pain I had suffered, the love I felt, and the ocean of loss sweeping through my soul. I had finally learned to obey and never looked back.
I was covered in blood and bruised when I arrived at the border. In shock over everything that had happened with Caleb, I didn’t respond well to the border patrol officers screaming at me with raised weapons. I had a weapon of my own and I wasn’t afraid to fucking use it. And if I died? Who the fuck cared?
I put the gun to my head and demanded to be let through.
The fucktards shot me.
I thought I would die, bleed out as they wrestled me to the ground and handcuffed me. I didn’t know they had shot me with rubber bullets.
