It was painful getting out of Danny’s bed this morning. The alarm I set on my phone wakes me from the most peaceful slumber I have had in the past few months.
I dreaded going to work today, I simply didn’t want to go.
Danny was already awake when my alarms went off because I woke up alone. I’m staring at his ceiling, watching the fan move in a blur. My phone lights up with a text from Lori.
My screensaver reflects a happy wide-eyed Paul. He’s in his PT uniform. He has me in a playful chokehold while his hand is knuckled into my scalp. My hair was a mess, and my annoyed expression says it all. I’m rolling my eyes at my big brother with a smirk.
The sight of Paul causes curiosity surrounding his death, to bloom again. I’m so wrapped up in Danny again that I almost forget the one question that I’m determined to get answers about.
The smell of eggs and bacon sucked into my nose and my mouth waters. I force myself out of bed, somehow finding the energy to do so. I rub my tiny bump before I do anything else. It’s my way of saying good morning to our baby. The thought of Danny holding our unborn child makes me giddy with excitement. First I have to tell him, of course.
I start my search for clothes. The air hitting my naked skin caused me to shiver. I rub my hands up and down against my arms trying to keep warm.
I walk towards Danny’s dresser, the bottom of my feet feeling icy as they touch the wooden floor. I go through Danny’s drawers and find an oversized sweater that reads NAVY titled in the middle, then I grab a pair of his black boxers.
I send a text to my mom as I head down the stairs to check in on her. It makes me nervous knowing she slept alone last night while Shane is still on the loose, hiding from the military police. I would never feel comfortable again in my own home until Shane’s locked up and can’t terrorize me anymore.
But I got no notifications from the security camera so I can hold off from completely freaking out.
The smell of breakfast gets more intense as I get closer to the kitchen. My vision locks onto Danny, rubbing jelly on his toast with a butter knife. He’s wearing a dark blue shirt and shorts. His hair slightly wet and messy, falling over his forehead that’s coated with sweat.
He hasn’t taken notice of me, yet. Or so I think. The sunlight from the open windows illuminates the entire kitchen and living room. The only thing I see are open fields of green grass and tall evergreen trees. His land was breathtaking.
My heart begins to pound at the sight of him making breakfast. Something about a man that cooks has me swooning.
‘Good morning.’ Danny meets my gaze, placing his toast on a plate.
‘I’m pretty sure I’m the one that’s supposed to be making you breakfast,’ I announce sitting on his kitchen island bar stool. He looks up at me and smiles.
‘I disagree.’ Danny places a plate of food in front of me.
Eggs, bacon, and toast.
‘I’m completely capable of making my girl breakfast before she wakes up.’
My heart skips a beat. I will never get used to being his.
‘What time did you wake up?’ I take a bite of the eggs, first.
‘Around five. I usually wake up early. I got a workout in and then went on a five-mile run outside. I have a home gym in the basement. You’re more than welcome to use it.’ He grabs an iced glass, with amber liquid inside of it and my heart drops like an anchor.
He’s drinking.
It’s still early in the morning and he’s already modifying his mind.
Did he always drink this much? Or was this something new?
Today was supposed to be the day of answers. I had to tell him about the pregnancy. I had to tell him about Shane.
How could I if he’s already yearning to be drunk?
I wanted to confront him about his drinking instead. I wanted to bombard him with questions about his deployment. Were they able to rescue Damon? The most important question that lingers is, what exactly happened to my brother?
Something’s seriously off about Danny, and I was hesitant to pry. He continues to deprive me of the information that I need.
The need to announce my pregnancy to him is faltering and I’m growing disappointed. I wanted him to be sober when I changed his life with my words.
You’re going to be a dad.
‘What’s wrong Ari?’ He holds his glass to his lips, studying me.
‘Nothing.’ I rush out, biting off the crispy end of the bacon.
‘I’m just thinking about work. I’ve gotta go in today. I work at the ER on the Navy base now. I have to leave in about an hour.’
‘Really? That’s fucking amazing. I’ll take you to work then.’ He offers, swallowing.
‘Thanks. The staff accepted me with open arms when I returned from Iraq. It’s been an amazing journey.’ Danny drops his glass of whiskey and smirks. I just know the memories of him taking me into his room flow into his mind because that’s what’s happening to me. The sound of the glass colliding with the counter, rings, and he leans on the counter with both of his hands causing his biceps to flex and veins to pop out of his skin.
The sight devastatingly encapsulates me.
‘I’m proud of you, baby.’ Butterflies begin to flutter in my stomach as the word baby rolls off his tongue. He turns around to the stove and starts to serve himself eggs on a plate from the pan.
My phone buzzes and my phone lights up with my mom’s reply. I pull myself away from getting lost in the sight of him.
Ma:
Everything is good here mija. How did Danny react to the news of the baby?
I quickly snatch the phone from the counter preventing Danny from seeing her text. The pace of my breathing becomes erratic. I’m on edge. I can’t keep this secret to myself any longer.
Danny deserves to know that I’m carrying our baby. There was no good time to do it though but I couldn’t risk him reading this text from my mom. This was not the way I wanted him to find out. I can only imagine how he would feel finding out about everything through someone other than me. It should come from me.
‘I need to go home. I’ve gotta grab my scrubs and shower before I’m late.’
Danny turns around and sits on the barstool across from me. He sets his plate down, grabbing a piece of egg with his fork.
‘You can shower here and then I’ll take you to pick up your scrubs. I can drop you off at work too. I plan on picking up your Bronco later today.” He clears his throat as the food passes down before continuing. “I’ve gotta stop by the office at work for an hour then I should be back home before five in the afternoon.’
‘Okay.’ I smile.
He looks up at me before taking another sip of his glass. I’m in so much trouble with this man.
‘Okay.’ He winks at me and I freeze at his actions. God, just with him closing one eye, I’m blushing hard. I look down at the food on my plate as my appetite disappears.
Before I get to my house, I inform my mother that Danny’s still in the dark about my pregnancy. I ask him to wait for me in his truck while I run into my house and grab my necessities for work. My black scrubs, headband, and tennis shoes.
I rush into my house. The door was unlocked, and I find my mom on the phone with one of her sisters from Mexico, in the kitchen. She’s deep in her conversation and she only manages to wave when she spots me. She points towards the couch with her finger, and I find my black scrubs freshly ironed and ready for me to put on.
The way my mother loved us unconditionally was what I envisioned myself striving to be with my own children. I’m in my twenties now and she still loves me the same way when I was just a child. She was even more overbearing with my brother when he was alive. Always doing everything she could to support him and make his life easier when he was home.
I run to my room and grab a positive digital pregnancy test I took at Target when I initially found out. I had it tucked away in one of my cardigans that hung in my closet. An idea popped into my head of how I wanted to tell him when we were driving over.
I threw off Danny’s clothes and replaced them with my scrubs. I hide the test in one of my pockets, securing it from falling out. I’m running late to work and I’m pressuring myself to hurry.
I do a quick scan of my room to ensure it hasn’t been broken into while I was gone. So far, everything looks the same as when I left it before Emilia’s wedding. Even though I have a security system now, I wanted to double-check. I search for my Glock that I placed underneath my bed and it’s still there. I push my body up from the floor and steadily head out of my room, rushing.
‘I’ll see you later Ma, love you!’ I call out before I’m closing the door. I held it open, with one foot out onto the porch outside waiting for her to acknowledge me.
‘Love you too, que Dios te bendiga!’ She palms her cell phone with her hands to bid me farewell.
God bless you.
I close the door and jog towards Danny’s truck, tennis shoes in my hand. His phone captures his full attention so much he doesn’t flinch when I jump into the passenger seat. I start to push my feet into the soles of my shoes and my mind runs rampant.
Who is he texting?
For some reason, my mind travels to the blonde woman that I saw him with at the bar, the night he almost beat Shane to death.
He wouldn’t.
I bite my lip and ignore my curiosity. I trust him.
He turns off his phone, throwing it in the center console. Cody Jinks begins to play through the speakers of the truck as he puts the vehicle in reverse, backing us out of my driveway.
The engine roars as he puts it into drive and presses on the gas. His truck smells like leather and cologne and I want to cling onto it. The plastic edges of the positive pregnancy test pokes into my hip bone and it sends my head swirling. My palms grow clammy, and I don’t know how I’m going to announce my pregnancy without hurling.
I’m hopeful that he’ll be just as excited as I am but Danny’s extremely unpredictable. One minute he’s the man I fell hard for. Next, he’s someone else.
I put one hand on my lower belly, running my thumb on top of my belly button over my shirt, wondering what my little one is up to in there. Are they sleeping? Are they dancing? Are they sucking on their thumb? I read in a pregnancy book they do those kinds of things. Thinking of what the unborn baby is up to is a good distraction from my impending future. Will he be mad that I’ve been keeping it from him?
I look at Danny and the sun shines across his face, his shadows outlining me. He squints at the road in front of him. He reaches towards the center console of the truck and grabs his aviator sunglasses and places them on. The lenses reflect obsidian black.
‘It’s almost been a year since Paul died.’ Danny manages to say through gritted teeth. I watch his hands tighten against the steering wheel. His knuckles turn white.
I start to chew on the insides of my cheeks, anxiously.
‘I know. It’s almost December.’ I intertwine my fingers, resting them on my lap. I look out the window as we get into the line to enter base. Every military post is guarded by security forces and the only way to get in is to show identification that you’re affiliated with the government in some way. Whether you’re a spouse, veteran, dependent, or contracted worker.
The line isn’t too long, and my heart begins to pound in my chest. I can’t hold onto this news any longer.
A marine takes our IDs, his scanner hovering over the barcode of my ID. He scans it and a loud beep follows. He grabs Danny’s and his eyes circle as he reads it. He looks up at Danny and finishes scanning his ID.
‘Well, I’ll be damned. It’s Grim Reaper in the flesh. You’re a fucking legend, sir.’ The marine hands him back his ID and then salutes Danny. Danny grows uncomfortable and clenches his jaw, looking down at his wallet, and tucking his ID away, and doesn’t say anything in return.
‘You’re good to go, have a good day sir.’ The light in front of us turns green, signaling us to drive forward. Danny finally acknowledges him with a nod.
He rolls his window back up and I take my ID back from Danny’s hand. He looks tense and I feel like any good that was in the air has been sucked out dry.
I wait until he parks his truck in the parking lot of the hospital before I open my mouth. He spins the dial of the volume down, and the music crescendos with his actions.
Nausea enters my head, clouding my ability to stay focused. I grab my backpack that I always take to work with me. I squeeze the straps, bouncing my knee anxiously. The uncertainty of his reaction is driving me insane. But again, the old me has a voice and it’s shouting at me.
Trust him. He’s a good man. Tell him.
The new me is hesitant and worried.
‘Danny. There’s something I need to talk to you about.’ I whisper. My voice comes out so low I’m surprised he heard me. I peek at him, and he turns towards me. I can see my reflection in his sunglasses. I look nervous and I hate how easily I can be read.
His stone-cold expression has me on edge and I feel like I can’t breathe.
‘I’m not talking about the deployment. I’m not talking about Paul.” He snarls, perfectly displeased by my statement. His voice is so deep and angry, it sends fear throughout my nerves.
‘Danny… I’m not… I wasn—’
He cuts me off.
‘You’re going to be late, Ari.’ He turns away from me, licking his lips. He keeps one hand on the steering wheel ignoring my presence.
I’m hurt at his change of behavior. I start to wonder, what set him off this time? It had to be my house. It probably reminded him of Paul and triggered something he wants to keep buried. I sigh, my patience is unwavering.
There’s no way to say this perfectly. Not too long ago we were strangers and now it’s a swarm of chaos. I can’t hold this in any longer.
I grab the pregnancy test in my hand and place it in the center console.
‘I’m pregnant.’
Danny snaps his head towards me then at the pregnancy test. I hold my breath. He takes it into his hand, studying the small screen that reads pregnant. His nostrils flare and I’m in shock.
My disappointment grows when I realize he’s not happy but breathing fury through slow steady breaths. He’s quiet and I’m paralyzed. I had a few minutes to spare before my shift started and, at the moment, I didn’t care about being a few minutes late. I needed to know what he was thinking.
What’s going through his head?
‘This is the part where you say something… anything.’ I plead.
He drops the test back down in the console.
‘You’re going to be late.’
Danny shatters my heart into a million pieces. It’s a different feeling this time. Usually, I’m breaking from the intensity we share together but now it’s just pain. I purse my lips, staring at him watch the medical staff members walk out of the emergency department. This is the side of Danny that he talks about. The bad side of him and I don’t like it.
I shake my head as the realization hits me like a train. These are my consequences coming full circle, falling for a man I didn’t know. The brutal reality settles in as I accept my faults. I let this man drown me in his dark world that holds a broken system.
I’m shaking. I take the test back into my hands, wanting to get as far away as possible from him. I grabbed the door handle, and I jump out. He doesn’t try and stop me or say another word regarding my announcement.
Instead, he’s reversing his truck out of the parking spot. Meanwhile, I’m trying my hardest to not fall apart in public, but my hormones get the best of me and a thick hard lump forms in my throat.
A sharp sting forced me to blink, fluttering my lashes as the tears begin to fall out, running down my cheeks. The status of Danny and I’s relationship surrounds me and I’m questioning everything. Every single kiss, touch, and exchanged conversation.
I think I’ve just become my own mother.
A single mother.
