The entire ride to the beach I’m thinking of how my life’s going to change. Kane sits beside me in the passenger seat and I’m smoking a cigarette with the windows rolled down. The smoke lingers in and out of my truck and it sends a painful reminder of my responsibility to quit.
Ari’s pregnant.
I would no longer be able to smoke around her and I’m completely okay with it but the shock from her announcement has me lost. There was a point in my life when I did want kids.
When I did crave the sight of my woman swollen with my child. The perfect family picture. That was before I started my career as a SEAL. Before I witnessed with my own eyes the fuckery of evil that creeps on this Earth.
My little Angel is pregnant and that means another soul for me to protect.
The addiction of my career is the only thing that matters. It started when I got my first kill on my first deployment. My lethal skills and mental capacity of knowledge I had influenced the military to brand me as The Grim Reaper. From then on, I’ve been a lethal killer for the Navy and after witnessing the evil that lives in the world, lurking in the shadows, I knew I would never bring my own children into this world.
I didn’t want to ever experience the pain of losing a child to something so evil. Or vice versa. My son or daughter worried for their father as he fights the hands of Satan’s variants when he’s on deployments or missions.
The amount of sick twisted people that I’ve killed helps me balance out the demons in my mind. But it doesn’t deter the scars that get tattooed on my brain and physical body. I have scars all over constantly reminding me of the battles I’ve faced when I look at them.
The most recent twisted picture that will forever be engraved inside of my mind, was Damon getting burnt alive. I can still hear his screaming, haunting me every day since then.
It’s going to be a while before it stops.
I got a scar on my lip from that mission when I got ambushed. When I was forced to engage a terrorist in hand-to-hand combat. Soon after, we discover Damon Hawk’s body, burnt to a crisp, his body engulfed in flames.
He was long gone when we got to him and that drives me insane. A brother we couldn’t save. Everyone that was assigned to that mission was surprised it hadn’t leaked yet. They usually do. The government can remain happier knowing this story was still buried.
It didn’t sit well with us at all. But it bought me more time to ignore it and not talk to Ari about it. Damon’s family has been notified but I wasn’t sure if his girl knew yet but that isn’t my business.
We’re nearing the parking lot where Ari left her Bronco. About twenty minutes away, I put out my cigarette.
‘I’m not drinking ever again. How the fuck are you not suffering right now? This hangover is wrecking me.’ Kane says, rubbing his eyes, and placing his sunglasses on the bridge of his nose.
‘Unlike you, I have a high tolerance you fucking lightweight.’
Kane was going to take my truck and I would drive Ari’s Bronco to the hospital so she could have her vehicle back and not have to worry about it anymore. I was definitely not happy about her pregnancy. I know that makes me a terrible man but in my own head, it’s justified.
She’s the only girl I’ve ever filled up with my come without a condom. I assumed she was on birth control but I guess I was wrong. Still, I didn’t dare place blame or fault her for getting pregnant.
I couldn’t fathom a future with a child. I was just starting to get accustomed to having someone wait for me to return home from deployments… And now? A baby?
I can’t help but assume I’ll be a horrible father because my father was.
He’s a shitty man, raising me to be just as cold-hearted as he is but my mother made sure I had some sense of humanity.
There’s a reason we don’t speak anymore.
My mother was pregnant with my sister. I was a teenager at the time and her pregnancy was high risk due to her age. She went through years of infertility and with the help of doctors, hormones, and medications, thousands of dollars later, she finally carried out a pregnancy that passed two months.
Of course, money’s no problem to my father, a successful businessman worth millions.
But deep down inside his fucked up world, he was worth nothing.
My mom caught him having an affair with one of his employees. The stress and heartache of his betrayal caused her to miscarry at around four months of gestation. She was able to move on from his infidelity but I never have and never will.
Holding my mother’s hand during the years she was depressed and couldn’t do anything for herself after losing my baby sister, made me resent my father. All the respect I had for him disappeared the day I found out he cheated on my mother. My distant cold behavior towards him doesn’t sit well with him which causes us to be estranged.
It wasn’t because of his harsh parenting that made us estranged. It wasn’t because of all the times he physically beat me, punched me, or kicked me as a kid. It wasn’t because he abandoned me as a child, for weeks, on his ranch properties in the middle of nowhere, that needed work when his employees wouldn’t come into work.
No it wasn’t because of that.
It was because he hurt my mother. And that’s a line I’ve made him constantly regret crossing every day.
I can see the beach in the distance and the memory of Ari in her blue bridesmaid dress makes me flinch. She’s so fucking beautiful. But not just beautiful in appearance, it’s in her ambition. Her need to help people makes her beautiful. The way she trusts people and the way she wears her heart on her sleeve is what makes her so beautiful to me.
Ari is like my ocean. I was caught in her waves of beauty, struggling to get back to shore. Back to my old ways, back to the old me. I’m afraid I’m stuck in her ocean now and I’ll gladly drown in her waters if it means she’ll always be mine.
Kane has always had the ability to read me very well. After failing to rescue Damon, I separated myself from the team and I didn’t want to be near anyone. I didn’t want to talk or even breathe. The smell of burnt flesh made me sick. It hit me hard, changed me, and something about seeing a human burnt alive, took a piece of my sanity with it.
Kane and I talked about our differences while we were transported back to a safe haven created in a secret location amongst enemy lines. Paul was the closest to me but after he passed, Kane, Rooker, and I grew closer. His death scarred us.
Kane regretted placing blame on me that day in front of Ari. He apologized, explaining that he was upset we almost lost Rooker and it brought up emotions surrounding Paul.
‘I’ve known you long enough to know you haven’t been okay since the failed mission. I thought you would be happier being home with Ari.’ I grind my teeth when I catch his tone as he says my girl’s name.
Something possessive takes hold of me and I want to cut out his tongue just for saying her name. I can’t help but feel territorial around what’s mine. It’s an unfamiliar feeling and I don’t recognize myself when it comes to Ari. He thinks I don’t notice the way he looks at her. But I do.
My body stiffens and I take in a deep breath before letting it out.
We sit in silence and I’m biting my tongue. I hated opening up about anything personal, especially now with all the recent changes. The mother of my child is a new boundary for me but Kane’s the only one I could really talk to about this kind of stuff.
I’m not close to my parents and I couldn’t go to them in this situation, at least not right now. I want to avoid having their opinions thrown at me left and right. I want to keep Ari safe from their intrusion of opinions and comments about our relationship. She’s sacred to me, our relationship is sacred and even if that means I need to protect her from my overly opinionated parents, I’ll do just that.
The way I feel about her is something I’ve never quite felt before with any girl. She inhabits every single part of my mind changing me to be a more vulnerable man. I don’t like it but for her, I’ll be the man she deserves. It just would take some time.
Clenching my jaw, I decide to give in and show Kane a glimpse of what’s been on my mind.
‘Ari’s pregnant.’
Kane’s body freezes and he’s visibly in shock. I take a quick glance at him before returning my eyes to the road.
‘Con—, congratulations man. Happy for you both.’ Kane stutters. He looks out the window in the opposite direction. He takes a few moments to gather his thoughts. ‘So, when did you guys, uh, I’m just a bit confused on the timeline… when did this happen—’
I cut him off.
‘None of your business. That’s all you get.’ My voice vibrates through my chest.
He nods and rubs his lips together.
‘I’m going to be a dad. Me? A dad.’ I scoff, still in disbelief.
‘Why don’t you sound happy? This is great news Rider.’ Kane replies, dumbfounded.
I shake my head.
‘I didn’t think this would ever happen. I purposely avoid situations like this for a reason. We’re always gone. At any moment, any of us can lose our lives. I don’t want her to break into pieces when I leave after what she’s been through. She lost her brother and yet she still somehow wants to be with me knowing how hard this life is. It’s hard on the family. Noel gives Rooker shit all the time. She’s always begging him to get out of the Navy. The toll it takes on kids isn’t something they need.’ I pull into the parking lot, and I spot Ari’s Bronco.
‘I get it. I do. But Ari seems like a great girl that knows what she wants. You’re a good man, Danny and you’ll be an even better father. Who cares about the rest? Ari and you will make great parents.’ I park into the lot and grab Ari’s keys into my hand.
I’m about to exit the driver’s side when Kane’s voice interrupts.
A quirk a brow.
‘Look man all I’m going to say is… I better be the Godfather to that little girl or boy!’ He grins.
I smirk, shaking my head.
‘It’s a boy, I don’t know the gender yet but I know for a fact it’s a boy. My swimmers are all men.’
‘Hah. We’ll see. Anyway, are we still headed for the bar? Lopez wants to go drinking again tonight at your favorite place.’
I’m hesitant to answer. A small part of me knows I should go home and be there when Ari returns home from work but a bigger part of me can’t say no to a night of liquor and fun with the team. The addiction to drowning out the noise was too high.
‘Hell yeah.’
