Shattered Vows: Chapter 35

Bastian was already gone when I woke, but he’d left me crepes and switched the salt lamp on, just how I liked.

I went through my daily routine and tried to forget about what had happened the night before. We’d pushed each other over the edge and in a flurry of emotions and we’d lost control.

That was it.

Nothing more and nothing less.

Except I ached for him like I did no other man. He’d become more of a friend to me than even Linny.

After I went to surf and sell a couple smoothies, I called her in hopes I’d catch her between flights.

She answered without a hello. “You’re lucky I stay up late. It’s midnight here.”

“Where are you now?” I asked as I got ready to lounge on the couch.

“If you followed my Instagram, you’d know I was in Germany. It’s sort of cold but I went to see Berlin’s Brandenburg Gate, which was spectacular.”

“I’ll have to look at pictures when you come home.”

She mumbled about her Instagram again, knowing I wouldn’t go on there. “Anyway, what’s up? You having Bastian’s baby yet?”

“Oh, my God. No. Never. Why would you even say that?”

“I don’t know. It felt like the only reason you’d call. You call me like once a year unless there’s an emergency.”

“Well, there’s no emergency. I’m just… Do you think I’m meant to be alone?”

“No. You’re married. That means you’re never going to be alone again.”

“We could get divorced.” I knew that was coming anyway.

“You’re not getting divorced. I see the magazines. Bastian looks at you like a fucking werewolf ready to rip someone apart for you.”

“Did you just finish a paranormal romance?”

“Yes and it was so good.” She said it like she was taking a bite of the best ice cream.

“Lend it to me. I need a good one.”

“So, are you guys fighting?”

“No, we’re just… I’m just… I know what I want finally. But I never really wanted anything before him. And I never used to hesitate, and I never used to have this problem. Why am I second guessing everything?”

“Because you actually are going after something that’s hard. Love is hard and relationships are too. You run away from those things, Mo.”

“I don’t run away. I’ve never left anyone–”

“No, because you made sure there was no one to leave. You kind of just go with the flow and avoid everything that’s hard.”

I shook my head, ready to tell her it wasn’t true.

“Your parents fucked you up. I get it. I think your dad did the same to half the town. They loved him and then hated him every time he left and took your mother with him. She was a freaking shining star and brightened up the whole town up, right? He came in and charmed her away.”

The days I remember her smiling at me and hugging me tight were some of the best ever. My father would sneak into my grandma’s house after months of being gone and hold up a surfboard at dawn. During those moments, I loved him more than the ocean, the sand, and my board combined. We’d have a few good months and then they’d leave again without a goodbye.

“I’m probably a little more scared of commitment than I thought.”

“You overcame it. You’re married. Give yourself some credit. And remember, you’re not on drugs, so you’re doing better than them.”

It shouldn’t have been funny. It wouldn’t have been with anyone else. Except Linny and I had grown up together and her parents had been addicts too. She’d seen the shit my parents pulled. “Oh, my God,” I said. “Remember the one time they got so high they tried to rob the tiki bar for alcohol? Not money, alcohol.”

Linny cracked up with me. “They couldn’t even walk and the sheriff locked them up just to get sober.”

“He should have kept them there forever.”

Linny sighed as her laugh died down. “I mean, they probably should have locked all our parents up. Mine haven’t been seen in years. My mom called me like two weeks ago and I couldn’t understand a thing she was saying.”

“What the hell? Is she okay?”

“Who knows?” I heard rustling on the other side of the line. “Look, if you’re questioning things, remember, it’s the people that mean the most to you that make you do that. He means something to you. Don’t run from it. Embrace it. Now, I gotta go. Don’t forget to check your mail in a few days. The package took longer to get a hold of but it’s coming. I love you, bye!”

I sighed and hung up, not really sure why I needed to have that conversation with her in the first place. I’d committed and I hadn’t run away, despite the terrible situation this was.

Yet, now, I wanted to stay and I wanted to tell him that too. My heart had fallen, and I’d tried to jump in after it and pull it back up to the land of sanity but it kept falling down, down, down, into the dark abyss that was Sebastian Armanelli.

I wanted to submerge myself down there forever and find every piece of hidden treasure. I knew it meant I’d have to do the hard thing first.

I’d have to walk the plank of telling him I didn’t want a divorce and hope to God he felt the same. Fear pulled at my self-confidence though enough that I wasn’t sure what would be worse, missing out on someone I loved or finding out they didn’t love me back.

We had two months. Two months of planning our separation if I didn’t tell him and two months until the final board meeting where I could potentially announce he was buying the shares. We hadn’t discussed the plan and yet now was probably the best time to do so.

I just had to figure out what the plan was.

I, the girl who hated plans in the first place, had to decide a multimillion dollar company’s future and what my broken heart would look like: one of rejection or one of regret.

Turning on the salt lamp and lighting incense to burn while I wallowed and waited seemed like the only thing I could do.

At 10PM, I wondered if Bastian was ever coming home. He never left me overnight without telling me.

I fell asleep on the couch.

The next morning, I woke up in my bed with the blankets tucked in around me.

Bastian Armanelli, sweet and accommodating. I threw the covers off, wishing I’d got Sebastian instead and he’d taken advantage of me.

I stomped out of the bedroom in my worn night shirt and found crepes again.

No Bastian.

This went on for two more days.

I passed the time doing my own thing. I made new shakes and even called Bradley just to talk. He didn’t answer but I still chattered into his voicemail.

Finally, as the sun went down on the third night, I gave in.

He answered immediately.

I rolled my eyes at his playfulness, a weight lifting that I didn’t know was there.

My stomach dipped low. Did he mean that? Were we finally past tiptoeing around one another?

I didn’t know if I should respond or wait for my spanking, so I sat there without a single thing to do and stared at the door.

My attention had never been so focused.

I sat on the sofa in my t-shirt thinking about what he might say, my foot waggling back and forth.

Maybe we could try sleeping in each other’s beds from now on, sex and everything.

Or maybe he wanted to discuss the start of the legal separation.

When the lock turned, I jumped and grabbed my phone to look a little less desperate when he walked in.

Instead of the fabric rustle of him unbuttoning his suit jacket to hang, though, a whine came from the door.

“What the–” I looked up and leapt from the couch when I saw–“Moonshine?”

Bastian stood there in his navy suit, brown dog hair on him, and a red leash attached to Moonshine. In one hand he held the leash and a plastic bag filled with toys, and from the other he dropped a big bag of dog food next to the door.

“Bastian…” I backed away, shaking my head. “Why is Moonshine with you?”

“What do you mean? You told me Moonshine was struggling to find a home. I told you she would.”

“Okay…” I let the word linger, my heart beat thudding way too fast. “Where is she going?”

“Well, nowhere now. I just let her piss outside in front of the building and now she probably wants to go to bed. I figure our third bedroom is fine for her. She doesn’t need a dog bed if she has a real one.”

“I’m sorry… Can we please back up? Why is Moonshine here?”

“She found her forever home with us.”

“No.” I shook my head again, stunned. I took another step back and stumbled against the corner of the couch. “No. Nope. Okay, you can call the humane society. We’ll take her back.”

Moonshine whined and strained on her leash, trying to get to me. I knelt down and called her over. Her big body was more and more like a rottweiler and less like a pup. “You have to get back to the kennels so we can find you a good home,” I whispered.

“What’s wrong with our home?” Bastian inquired and pulled a dog bowl from the plastic bag.

“Are you out of your mind?” As soon as he placed the bowl on the ground, I grabbed it and tried to shove it back in the bag. “Do you know how much a dog slobbers?”

He swung the bag away. “That can’t possibly be a concern of yours, Morina. You probably make more of a mess than the dog.”

“Excuse me?” The metal from the bowl clattered as I dropped it and stood, glaring at him. “I’ve kept my mess in my room since the day I got here.”

“I saw your room last night and the night before when I put you to bed. It’s a mess.”

“Well, don’t put me to bed then,” I yelled and Moonshine whined.

“I’ll put my wife to bed any time I want,” he growled, suddenly in my face.

“I can’t believe this.” I spun around and pointed to the dog. “This isn’t okay.”

He scoffed and scooped Moonshine up, taking her to the third bedroom. I watched him walk down the hall with his perfect ass in perfect suit trousers. He disappeared into the bedroom, and I waited for him to return so I could tell him how fucking terrible she was going to be on her own in there. After five minutes, he came out and announced, “She’s fast asleep on the feather pillow.”

I swear his damn smile was the smuggest thing I’d ever seen.

I stomped over to the kitchen sink. “This is going to be so painful for the dog.”

And for me. I didn’t want to give her up and the fact he’d brought her home had a little voice in my head that I didn’t like to entertain screaming that we should tell him we loved him and that we wanted to live happily ever after in a house with a white picket fence and 1.0 rottweiler mixes.

“I don’t think it has to be painful for anyone. Why do you think this is such a bad idea?”

“Well, for one, it’s not sustainable. I’ll be gone in two months and so will you. I don’t want to get attached to her if I’m not going to keep her. I’m already attached.”

He pulled his tie from neck, set it on the counter, slipped off his shoes, and went to the refrigerator like I was the kind of wife who’d made him dinner.

“I didn’t eat dinner so there’s no meal in there. Are you listening to me?”

“I ate already.” He chuckled like he knew I was never going to attempt to cook him food. He was probably right. “And I’m listening. I just think we should calm down and discuss this rather than spiral into you talking twenty times your normal speed and us going off the deep end again.”

I sighed and tried placing a hand on my stomach, hoping the reiki technique would work. “Do you want a night shake?” I could actually use one and it would calm us both to have me doing something with my restless mind.

“Sure.” He nodded and sat at the counter, watching me pull ingredients from the refrigerator.

A state of the art blender lived in the corner cabinet and I liked how quickly it blended ice. I added ingredients and fruit as I waited for Bastian to say something.

“Let’s start at the beginning, huh? We should probably discuss the other night because I don’t see how, ragazza, but we’ve both woven our way under one another’s skin.”

I scoffed. “I know how. We had to spend a couple months together after we had a one night stand on a jet. This has been the longest morning after–”

“We’re not an extended one night stand. You’re truly my wife. I care about you. I stay up at night in my room considering dragging you to mine.”

I hit the blend button harder than necessary and grumbled, “I wish you would.”

When I turned it off and poured the ingredients into two glasses, he murmured, “This is our problem.”

I set the glass in front of him. “What’s the problem, Bastian?”

“You say things like that, like you think they don’t affect me, like you think I’m immune to you.”

“Aren’t you though?”

“Are you saying I’m just indulging myself with you?”

“Why weren’t you here the last three days?”

“Because I was working.”

“That’s it? Or were you creating distance after you indulged with me again?”

“I want this to be fair for you, Morina.” He sighed and his jaw ticked.

I rolled my eyes. Fair wasn’t any of this. Fair would have been me on another planet than him, because here with him, I couldn’t deny myself. “I’m selling you the shares because I want to, not because you’ve coerced me to have feelings for you. And I actually take offense to it that you think I can’t separate the two at this point.”

“I never said that–”

“Oh, whatever.” I picked up my shake, took a taste, and slammed it back down on the counter. I was barreling toward insanity at lightning speed and the thunder about to roll out of me would be just as crazy. “So, we’re going forward with legal separation then? It’s probably time we start pushing that to the media. We’ve had a few days away from each other and I’m guessing you were creating distance for that reason. Let’s plan the rest.”

The words flowed out of me like I’d struck a match and dropped it on a line of kerosene. It spread like wildfire, hot, fast, and mean.

Bastian clearly felt the burn, his face contorting with my words.

Biting my tongue, I decided my shake could wait while I washed out the blender. I took it to the sink and scrubbed it hard, trying to get out my frustration.

I wasn’t sure if he even wanted me. He wanted to be my friend through this, sure, but I wasn’t sure he wanted more.

How could he when he left for days after what we’d done in that kennel?

I scrubbed and scrubbed that glass. I wanted it spotless when I placed it into the dishwasher. The dishwasher wouldn’t actually do any cleaning, rather it was double checking my work. It was also a way to avoid that man on the other side of the island, staring at me like I was going to respond to him being immune to me.

I wanted to ring his neck, tell him to go to hell, and kick him out. I was so sick of this charade, sick of faking something and then not being sure if I was faking anything at all.

I felt him before I heard him behind me. His hard chest pressed into my back as I scrubbed away.

“Mo, can we just back up?”

I scoffed and grabbed another dish without looking at him. “Back up to what? Should we start over and just be friends and forget that we fucked too?”

It was official, we were bound by marriage and we needed to unbind.

“What’s got you so worked up, huh?” he whispered into my neck and I shivered, instantly aware of how close his whole body, specifically the dick I knew was of life-altering size, was to me.

“I’m not worked up.” It came out defensive and breathless. I couldn’t stop myself from pushing him again and again. I knew just how to get a rise out of him and now that was what I wanted. “I just want to get this plan out of the way. I hate them and you know it. So, I think we just both go out a few nights here and there throughout the month. The media can take some shots of us with other people. We’ll drop something to the news about us being separated. If you or I enjoy our dates, we can just call each other to say we’re staying–”

He cut me off. “You come home every night.”

“I’m sorry. That kind of defeats the purpose of moving on, Bastian. You want me to have a clear mind going into this whole selling shares thing right? Then I probably need to move on to other guys.” I turned to him and wiped my damp hands on a dishtowel.

“You can get off and come home, Mo.” His turned red. “Are you a cuddle after you fuck type of girl?”

“So what if I am?” I put my hands on my hips.

“Then I’ll fucking cuddle you.” His palm slammed down on the counter. “You’re not staying over at some guy’s house I don’t know when you’re my wife.”

“So, I can sleep with someone else but I can’t stay the night?” I crossed my arms as this got more and more ridiculous. “That makes no sense, Bastian.”

“I’m not risking your safety. You’ll have security on you too.”

“Oh, no. I’m not doing that. You can’t have Dante or someone follow me around. That will be weird for my date.”

“Who is this date, by the way? You’ve got someone in mind already, I can tell.”

“Oh, my God. Let’s just go to bed.”

He chuckled and then scrubbed a hand over his face. “My bed or yours?”

“What?” I practically screeched.

His chuckle turned to a full on laugh.

The corners of his eyes wrinkled, and the dimples I forgot he had popped out. Bastian was always a good-looking man. He was handsome and unapproachable at the same time. Like a far off diamond in a museum that you knew was worth billions and you admired from afar. But when he laughed in front of me like this, he felt attainable. Heart-crushingly attainable.

“I think you’re going crazy.” I shook my head at him.

He wiped at his eyes and sobered before walking right up to me. He studied me for what felt like ten minutes. His eyes darted all over my face like he was memorizing it or cataloging each tiny detail of it.

My heart beat louder in those moments than it ever had. All thought left my brain. I couldn’t say one word, couldn’t provoke him or console him or try to reason with him. Heat rose over my chest and on my cheeks. My stomach and core tightened.

His next words rumbled out, soft: “Turn around, Morina.”

He hummed low when I did and his hands went to my shoulders. He rubbed at my knotted muscles but the tension in them just increased. I wanted to scream at him to move away from me but I was frozen. I didn’t know where we were going but I knew that if he left again after this, I wouldn’t be able to come back from it. We were teetering on the edge of no return if he indulged with me again.

He didn’t get it. To him, I was a little girl that he was protecting, but to me, he was a damn god that I wanted one more chance to fuck.

He pushed at a tender spot and I moaned. “Jesus.”

He chuckled. “You’re tense.”

“No shit.” He rolled a finger over the same spot and the dish in my hand clattered into the sink. I gripped the edge of the counter. “I’m just… I need…”

Every sensation went on high alert. I stared at his reflection in the window in front of me and that smirk on his face told me he knew it too. “You need what, Morina?”

“I need to go to bed,” I whispered but we both knew I didn’t mean it.

“If you go now, who’s going to take care of how wet you are?”

“Jesus, Bastian.” I tried to step away from him but his grip on my neck tightened. He pulled me up against his body and turned me into the island counter until I was pinned between him and the granite. His cock pressed against me, and I felt the length of it, hard and ready at my ass.

He took that moment to rip his hand away and step back. I immediately whipped my head around, about to stutter out his name, but I didn’t get the chance, because he yanked my panties down and grabbed his tie off the counter.

I bit my lip, not sure what to do as I stared at him staring at me. His gaze trailed up my legs and stopped at my pussy.

“If you’re going to leave again and act like we aren’t fucking, I don’t want this, Bastian… ” It pained me to say the words. It felt like I was ripping my heart out and giving him the knife to stab it.

“Oh, I’m not going to. I’m taking what’s mine. You’re my wife. I should have been fucking that perfect pussy of yours from the very beginning. You keep trying to let another man have what’s mine, Morina, and I keep trying to be good to you and resist. For what?” He took my wrists as he talked and looped his silk tie around them. I watched in fascination as suddenly he pulled one side tight and my wrists slammed together, trapped. He turned me by my hips and pulled my wrists to the faucet, where he tied the other side of the silk.

I was suddenly caught, bent over, my ass half out for him to stare at.

Then he slid his hand up my thigh to where we both knew I was wet. “Look at this. You enjoy it. You love knowing I own you. Why do I keep fighting that?”

I started to pant from the way his hand went to my ass cheek, the way he kneaded it over and over. “I’ve never asked you to fight it.”

“Ragazza, you brought crystals of color into my world of white. This was supposed to be easy and clean.”

“I’ve never been clean. Easy maybe.”

“Easy? You think living with you and having you mention another man having you was easy? You think I want to share you with anyone?” He gripped my ass harder. “You think every time you bring up handing your ass out, I’m not going to tie you up and redden it?”

His fingers were so close to my entrance that I rolled my hips in hopes I’d get him to graze right where I wanted. But his hand pulled away only to come down hard on my ass cheek.

Not once, not twice, but three times.

I’d never had a man spank me before Bastian. Then again, I was dealing with the head of the mob, the mob that ruled all of the US. The daddy of all daddies, even if he didn’t want to be that.

I flipped my hair, quickly turning my head and staring him down over my shoulder. “Tying me up won’t make me only yours. You have to say it, Bastian, or I could be gone tomorrow.”

The little girl in me who’d been abandoned over and over again needed to hear it. Did he want me or did he not? Was this one more fuck or was this solidifying our relationship?

His jaw worked up and down, the tendons in his neck pulling taut. He was holding back, but in his eyes I saw the raging fire I’d seen the other night. Everyone thought Bastian’s default was to make alliances, to be the most amiable godfather there had ever been. Maybe I was the first to witness the fury deep down where he locked it away.

My pussy clenched as we glared at one another. I was tapping into a ferocious energy that no one ever got to witness. Like the moon, the stars, the planets, or the sun, I moved with this man.

The powerful emotion in him was palpable and I wanted too close to it. Like the sun, it would burn me, probably kill me and leave me in ashes, but I couldn’t fight the allure.

“You’re mine, ragazza. You spread your legs for another man, I’ll hunt him down and kill him.” He’d turned vicious, the way I wanted him. “I only want you. You’ll have to decide if you want all of me too. I’m not a good man. I never was, but I’m going to try for you, ragazza. I’m going to try.”

He got on his knees and made me scream his full name. I yanked at the faucet when he brought me to orgasm again by just fingering me. I told him I couldn’t take it anymore.

He laughed against my neck. “You take what I give you. Take and take and take. I intend to give you the world. Now, keep screaming my name. It’s all I want to hear for the rest of the night.”