Age 25:
From: [email protected]
Hey Lily, just checking in. Did I freak you out with all the talk about crushes and whatnot?
I haven’t heard from you in a while, and I guess I’m a little nervous. I feel like you’re slipping from me. Maybe it’s just me?
It’d be nice to know you’re okay.
We’re still on for our ten-year, right? People watching and soft pretzels?
Love you. Miss you.
Shiny
***
I had anticipated finding Calla bustling around the apartment as usual when I woke up. Lately, she had been shadowing me during my morning routine, probably unaware that I noticed her sneaking sips of my coffee or snatching bits of my breakfast when she thought I wasn’t looking. Honestly, it was endearing, so I didn’t mind at all.
To my surprise, the apartment was unusually still when I woke up. The TV remote lay exactly where I’d left it last night, and the coffee machine had been turned off. Calla’s purse and keys were missing from their usual spot on the hook in the entryway. It was silly of me to feel a twinge of disappointment; we hadn’t ever agreed to spend our mornings together. But over the past few weeks, the routine had become comforting. I had grown accustomed to her company in the mornings and even when I returned later in the day, and I’d come to cherish her company.
I found myself wandering around the apartment aimlessly. I wanted to wait until she came home before I had my coffee, and it felt wrong to watch TV, since I’d probably put on something she would want to see too.
Just as I was ready to settle on the couch, my phone vibrated in my pocket. A mix of emotions washed over me when my mom’s name flashed on the screen. Hearing from her made me happy. On one hand, , but a shadow of dread crept in behind it because if she was calling this early, that meant she was gearing up for one of her rants.
I took a deep breath through my nose and braced myself. “Hey, Mom.”
“My Shiny! How are you?”
It always amazed me how a woman who wasn’t even five foot could be so loud so early in the morning.
“I’m good mom, what are you guys up to?”
They’d gone on a riverboat tour down the Mississippi recently, so there was no telling what kind of stories she’d have. It was nice sometimes being an only child, but there were days I wished I had grown up with siblings so I’d have someone to commiserate with. Mom was great at advice, and they were overall really good parents, but they could be…a lot.
“Ugh. Well, your father is trying to convince me that we need a telescope. As if he wants to even watch the stars.”
In the background, Dad grunted in disagreement.
“And that’s why we said no more conspiracy documentaries for you!” she shouted, nearly deafening me. “Anyway, how is your new roommate? She’s quite a cutie.”
Frowning, I took a seat on the couch. “How do you know what she looks like? Did I even tell you her name?”
I could practically hear her smile. “I have my sources.”
Layla. Layla was her source. They had met at the book signing event Layla held recently. I’d invited my parents, and the women hit it off immediately. By the end, Layla was planning a surprise birthday party for my mom’s birthday next year and reminding her to act surprised when she showed up.
“Anyway, yeah, we’re good. She’s nice to have around.” Understatement of the century. More like I was slightly obsessed with the woman. But if I mentioned my giant crush to my mom, Calla would know before she even made it back home tonight.
“Hmm, that’s nice. You need a good woman in your life. No more of those tindee dates.”
“Tinder, Mom. And I don’t even use Tinder.” Anymore.
Listen, I’ve had high highs and low lows.
“Either way, I’ve been telling you for years now that it’s time to settle down. Get me a few of those grandkids like all my friends have.”
I snorted a laugh. “Calla’s just a friend. No grandkids popping out over here.”
In the background, my dad mumbled words I couldn’t understand. He was probably reclined in his La-Z-Boy, remote in hand, watching current affairs and grunting about how both sides are wrong.
“What about your little online friend?”
Lily was another hurdle I hadn’t taken on yet. We had been doing great. Especially over the last month. She’d been helping me with Calla and I’d helped her with her job stuff. Until now. All of a sudden, it’s like she dropped off the face of the earth. I hadn’t heard from her in almost two weeks and with no reason as to why either.
“We, uh, haven’t been talking much.”
“What did you do?” my mom asked. In the background, I could hear her shuffling through her pantry.
“Why do you have to assume I did something?”
“Did you not?”
Hmm. Did I? I didn’t think so, but then again, my track record with women wasn’t the best. Chances of me making mistakes were highly plausible.
I thought back to our previous conversations. Had I been so focused on my feelings for Calla that I neglected Lily? I wouldn’t be surprised, I guessed. This last month and a half with Calla had been too good to be true. I liked her way too much, and I could see myself brushing Lily off for that.
“I…don’t think I did?”
Her responding laughter was warm and familiar, a reminder that I needed to call her more. “Why don’t you check for yourself?”
She had a point. She always did, and frankly, it was annoying.
“Yeah, I think I will. I’ll call you guys later. Have fun with the telescope.”
“Do not bring that up to your father. Last week, he tried to tell me that pigeons weren’t real, and now he’s convinced satellites are just Airbnbs in the sky.”
I snorted. Sounded about right. He believed everything he read.
After our goodbyes, I hung up and pulled up my email on my phone.
From: [email protected]
Come on, Lily. Will you at least tell me what I said that’s bothering you? Or what I did? I’d send you flowers if I knew your address. But since I don’t, please see the attached picture of a bouquet of lilies. Get it? Since your name is Lily?
I feel terrible. I’ve been reading over our last few emails and realized I talked a lot—A LOT—about my own feelings and haven’t been attentive enough to yours. That’s not cool at all, Lil. I am so, so sorry. You know me so well, and I value all your opinions, so I guess, in this particular situation, I have no one else to talk to about it, so I went to you first. Anyway, not trying to make excuses. Just want you to know I understand and love you.
Please don’t disappear. I need you. Not just for advice, but as my best friend. I really, really need you.
We’re so close to ten years. Just give me that before you go.
Shiny
It took a while for her to answer. I spent about an hour nervously cleaning the house since there was nothing better for me to do. Every time my phone buzzed, I would turn into Usain Bolt to get to it, only to see notifications like Your subscription has ended or 50% off all sandwiches today only. Though I’d be lying if I said that didn’t make my heart race too.
When she did answer, I had never opened up an email so fast.
From: [email protected]
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you as much, Shiny. Finding work and some things with my new roommate have been distracting me.
That’s a lie.
I can’t lie to you.
I’ve been freaking out a little about meeting up. Not because I’m scared or because I feel like it’s not right, but…we’ve spent the last ten years talking almost daily, and yet I have no idea who you are or what you look like. That feels like…a lot, I guess.
I just don’t want to lose this. Lose you.
Lily
P.S. stop apologizing for things you didn’t do, you goober.
I breathed a sigh of relief. Nervousness I could understand. Of course she was nervous. We knew each other so well, yet not at all. How could she not be a little anxious about that? God knew I was.
I replied without thinking.
From: [email protected]
Lil,
I’m so, so glad you answered. I almost fell when I saw your email pop up. I get being nervous. If it helps, I’m terrified. But even if it’s scary, it’s the right thing to do. And we’ll be mad at ourselves if we don’t. I know it’s harder to keep up now that we’ve got our own lives, jobs, relationships, etc. But it’ll be even harder to keep in touch when we’re married with kids. (Not to each other, to be clear.)
If you don’t want to, I get that. But if you do, let’s plan for dinner tomorrow night.
I can be flexible (remember that hot yoga I went to?), so name the time and I’m there.
I don’t know why we’re so nervous, but I know you’re important to me. And I really, really want to see you.
Shiny
