AVA
“Ava?”
I hear Layla’s voice, but I don’t pay any attention to her. I need to finish these damn aesthetics and finally post them. My engagement these days is shit, and I’m trying to find new ways to make it better. A beautiful picture is a must, but reels also help.
I chose the worst time ever to try to become a bookstagrammer. I spend way too much time reading, annotating, writing reviews, and then juggling my social media. All because of my hobby.
“Mason.”
“What?” I save the picture and finally look at my best friend.
“I’ve asked you three times already, but now I’m wondering if you heard anything.”
“I didn’t. What?”
Layla examines me, her fingers threading through her blonde locks. She and Clay got together during winter break, and they’ve been a couple for two months already. She’s literally shining these days, always getting pretty and trying on new clothes. Rodgers is always by her side, ready to worship the ground she walks on and shower her with compliments. He’s whipped, and he isn’t afraid to show that to anyone. The whole college already knows Layla Benson did the impossible: she made Clay Rodgers settle down.
“Will you go to the next game?” she asks cautiously, and something in her tone of voice throws me off.
“Probably. Why?” I hide my phone in my pocket and pick up my backpack from the floor. Colt should be at practice, and since I already finished all my assignments, the thought of going to his place resonates in my head. I’ve been busy this week, so I didn’t have an opportunity to see him. It’s the worst. “It’s a home game, right?”
“Yeah, against the Gladiators.” The look on my face says it all, and she sighs. “Sorry. I kinda figured you wouldn’t know, since you don’t pay attention to the schedule. I thought I should warn you.”
I want to go to the game. I want to cheer for Colt. For Drake and Clay. I don’t want to feel like an outcast—but I don’t want to see Levi. All my nightmares will come back at breakneck speed.
“Ava?” Layla smiles at me, stepping closer and taking my hand in hers. “Have you talked to Colt about it? About that night and Levi?”
“No.”
“Why? I know you trust him.”
“I do, but it’s not about trust.” I shrug. “That shit is still in my freaking head, and talking about it is too painful. It brings back all the bad memories.”
Layla pulls me in and wraps her arms around my shoulders. I let her, snuggling closer and hiding my face in her hair. “You need to talk about it with him. The more you hold on to it, the worse it will get. Don’t you miss the ice rink?”
“I do.”
“Then talk about it with Colton.” She leans away, her eyes coasting over my face. “It will help. I’ve never seen any guy be as in tune with you as he is. He will know what to do.”
I fight a smile, but it still blossoms on my lips. She’s not wrong. The level of understanding between me and Colt is absolutely mind-blowing. “And if his father’s party taught me anything, it’s keeping secrets is a bad idea. They will be playing against each other, and Levi never plays fair. Plus, he already saw us together. He could try something on Colt.”
“He could try.” Layla guffaws, letting me go. “Your guy knows how to stand up for himself. His fights are always epic.”
“He’s not my guy,” I correct her and fix my backpack.
“And I’m not your best friend,” she mutters in annoyance. “I’m just some random chick who decided to talk to you about some random guy.”
“Layla,” I warn her. Her attempts to put a label on me and Colt’s relationship are ridiculous. We’re just having fun, exclusively. I might have used the word “relationship,” but I still avoid admitting the obvious, and I don’t want to make it public.
“Don’t ‘Layla’ me.” She points her finger at me, takes a step back, and puts her books in her backpack. “You two are always together in your free time. He only has eyes for you, just like you have eyes only for him. You’re basically living together a few days a week, and you’re not dating? Bullshit. You’re deluding yourself, Ava.”
“He’s okay with it. If he wanted to date me, he could have asked.”
“And what would your answer be?”
Nothing. I would run away. As fast as I could. My fear of losing my freedom is still tangible. Jefferson did a great job of ruining relationships for me. Asshole.
“Let me guess…asshole?” she asks.
“Asshole,” I confirm as we saunter toward the exit, smiling at each other. “Dating Levi traumatized me, and I’m still not over it.”
“That’s why I say talk to Colton.”
“I will.” I zip up my jacket and push the door open. “I’m going to his place right now.”
“Sounds amazing.” Layla nudges me with her elbow as we go down the stairs. “Call me if you need anything. Like encouragement.”
“Go to hell,” I mumble as she smacks my ass. “I hate you.”
“Love you too.” She blows me an air kiss, whirls around, and heads to her dorm.
I watch her go, and then I resume my walk. Hopefully this little stroll will help me to sort out my memories. The parts of my past I buried deep inside my head after only one attempt to forget. Not surprisingly, it didn’t work.
What Levi did to me at the end of our relationship is about more than physical pain. More than trauma and pills. It took some time for me to heal and recover. But the mental pain is the worst. The fear that experience caused me is absolutely hindering. It lives rent-free in my head, especially when I step close to the ice. The darkness. The coldness. The unconsciousness. I remember every one of these feelings as if it was yesterday and not two years ago. It’s raw, and it alters my whole life and my future. It prevents me from doing things I love, from being with someone I like, from letting him call me his. Even if he desperately wants to, because even if he doesn’t say it, I know it’s on his mind.
Inside Colt’s apartment, I go to the fridge. Quickly rummaging through it, I take out everything I need for banana pancakes. They are his favorite, and I secretly love spoiling him. Giving him what he loves and seeing him smile and enjoy himself. It’s the best version of him, the one I love the most.
Thirty minutes later, I’m in my crop top and cotton shorts, dancing as I wash the dishes. A pile of pancakes is on a plate, and a mouthwatering aroma fills the kitchen. Music swims around me, as Zayn blasts through my AirPods. His music and his voice often mesmerize me, and tonight I can’t help myself from humming along and swaying to the rhythm.
Suddenly, an arm wraps around my waist, a big, calloused palm covering my belly. A second later, one of my AirPods is out of my ear and in Colt’s hand. I spin around slowly, my eyes finding his face. Amusement is easily recognizable behind his irises—so is happiness. If it were up to him, I would already live at his place. He wants me here all the time.
“I’ve never heard you sing before.”
“I don’t usually do that when people are around.” I stop the music, take the other AirPod out of my ear, and put it on the countertop.
“Why? Your voice is melodic and pleasant, but it’s also strong. As if you learned how to use it.”
“High school choir.” I step closer, wanting his warmth again. I’m not addicted to anything—except maybe him. Just a little bit. “I quit, if you were wondering.”
“Why?” he asks, bending down and quickly kissing my forehead.
“Someone made it impossible for me to enjoy.”
“Who did that to you?”
“A girl, and I already made her pay for it.” I inhale his scent, recognizing notes of his shower gel. He needs to know about Levi. Soon, before I have time to change my mind. I don’t want him to feel the way I did when I met Helen. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
“Still, I hate that someone took it away from you.” He hides his nose in my hair, and I’m melting. His ability to be this sweet catches me off guard every damn time. Being rude and dominant is how everyone else sees him, but I see him as he is: with all his flaws and imperfections, with all his rough and soft edges. I see the real him, and it’s the most precious view in the world. “How did you get here?”
“I walked.” I push him away slightly so his hands drop from my sides. I take the pancakes from the countertop and edge to the table. “Can you grab two glasses and—”
“Apple juice.” I look over my shoulder and see him with everything I just asked for.
“Apple juice,” I repeat as he sets everything on the table. Then he joins me, sitting across from me. “Why are you looking at the juice like that?”
“Because I’m sure I didn’t buy it.”
“I bought it on my way over. It’s way better than Pepsi.”
“Healthier, yes. Better? Not so sure,” Colt snorts, taking a bite of his pancake. “Damn, baby, this is delicious.”
Warmth spreads through my veins, cruising through me and making my cheeks blush. His praise always gets me in bed—so does a simple compliment. Sometimes I wonder if he can read my mind. The things he does to me are totally astonishing; they make me doubt if he’s real. Colton Thompson is way too good to be true.
“Glad you like it,” I murmur, watching him.
“Like it? I’m ready to fucking marry you if you promise to make these for me every day.”
“I’m not wife material, Colt.” His eye twitches, and I instantly regret my words. Dammit, Ava, way to ruin everything. But it’s Colt. This guy is honestly my personal undoing.
“You’re confident and independent, yes. But the way you purr when I’m taking care of your needs, and how submissive you can be…I would say you’re wife material—in the right arms.”
I hide my silly smile behind my juice glass, taking a sip.
“You mean your arms, I assume?” His eyes darken. I’m playing with fire, and I should be careful. I need to talk to him about Levi first; that’s more important than him fucking me to oblivion.
“My arms. My cock. My fingers. Everything about me is a perfect match for you. Try to remember that, Ava.”
The wetness in my panties doesn’t surprise me anymore. In all honesty, it’s nothing in comparison to how wildly my heart beats for him. How much my chest swells when he’s around and showing me affection. His apartment is our safe place, and there are days when I don’t want to leave it. Not even for a second.
“Layla told me about the next game,” I blurt, and his eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. “I totally missed that it’s against the Gladiators.”
“If you don’t want to go, I understand.”
“I want to go.” I put my glass on the table, staring him in the eyes. He’s frowning, a bit confused, and I go for it, not leaving myself a chance to overthink. “I’m ready to talk to you about Levi. You’re going to see him again, and I want you to be prepared. He loves to play dirty.”
Colton is silent for a few seconds, and then he smiles. “He has zero chances against me, Ava. Trust me. The only person he’s going to impress on the ice is his mother. Everyone else will know what a loser he is.”
“You have no idea what he did, but you’re already making assumptions.” I shake my head and take another bite of my pancake. My nervousness has disappeared. His ability to set my mind at ease is amazing—everything is exactly as Layla said it would be. I have never met anyone more in tune with me than him.
“He lost you—he’s a loser. He hurt you—that only proves the weakness of his character. Real men make their women cry from happiness, not pain.”
Oh my fucking God. I hate him. I hate him for being such a perfect guy. Good thing I have some clothes at his place already; I will definitely need to change my underwear. My pussy is acting like a lovesick imbecile, soaking wet just from his words. And these fucking insects in my belly… Please, kill me. I’m a fucking mess.
Colt and I are in his bed, hidden under the heavy blanket. My head is on his chest, and he keeps his arm draped around my shoulder, securing me in his warmth. We’re silent, and it feels great. He lets me gather my thoughts, not rushing me, allowing me to go at my own pace.
“My relationship with Jefferson was odd.” I falter for a moment. “My feelings for him made me brainless. I ignored every red flag—in fact, I was drawn to them instead of running away. The shittiest thing? He made me believe I needed to change myself to make him happy, because we definitely had very different views, not only on our relationship but on everything else.”
“Like what?”
“He was allowed to do anything, to go anywhere, to spend time with his friends whenever he wanted. Me? I needed to be available to him twenty-four seven. No matter what I was doing, I needed to drop it and run to him as soon as he summoned me.” I speak quieter. “I love going out, spending time with my friends, but with Levi, I barely got to see Layla. I rarely hung out with my other friends. He was the only person I wanted to be with, and eventually that was exactly what he expected from me.”
“Are you putting the blame on yourself?” Colt asks in surprise.
“Colt, it is my fault. I gave him way too much power over what I did and how I felt. He thought of me as his property, and in my head that meant he loved me, so I put up with it for two years,” I confess. “No other guy was allowed to talk to me when he wasn’t around, and later he expanded that rule to include my friends as well. One of the biggest fights we had was when Drake came home for spring break. Levi threatened to break up with me if I hung out with Layla and her brother without him. I should have broken up with him right then and there, but I let it drag out for a few more months, until shit hit the fan before his graduation. It was the final straw, and I will be damned if I ever let another guy treat me that way.”
“What did he do, Ava?”
“I probably made it way more dramatic than it was, but the whole situation sowed a seed of fear in my chest and in my head. It’s palpable, and it’s strongly associated with the ice rink. No matter what I’ve tried, it doesn’t go away.”
“What happened to you?”
“It was a party. Someone’s birthday. I honestly don’t remember much, only little parts. Some bits of conversations I overheard.” I close my eyes. “Layla and I were hanging out with Levi’s friends, drinking and playing some stupid games. It was a fucking dare, and I cheered along with everyone once I heard it. Why would it be difficult for a hockey player to do a few laps on the ice, even after he was drinking, right? Levi definitely didn’t make it a big deal, laughing it off and saying he could do it with his eyes closed.”
I lick my lips and shut my eyes harder, the memories of that night now flooding me. It’s overwhelming, and my head is spinning. I’m struggling for fucking air, and it shakes me to the core.
“Did he do it?” Colt helps me out, asking the right question.
“He did. He actually did pretty good; people couldn’t stop cheering for him. I was incredibly proud of my boyfriend.” He presses me to his chest harder, giving me the strength I need to continue. “Soon, everyone was gone except him and me. We were fooling around, kissing, and I made a mistake. I challenged him to do a few laps again. Holding me. He said okay. The first lap was good, but the next one took away my love of the ice.”
“He couldn’t hold you, could he?”
“Nope. He twirled me around once, then twice. The third time, he lifted me, but he was able to put me down. Unlike the fourth time. The only thing I remember is him lifting me over his head, and then it was darkness. He fucking dumped me on the ice because he was too drunk to be able to hold me.” My breath hitches as I dig my nails into my palms. “It was my fault. I let him do it knowing how drunk he was. I knew the risks, and I still went for it. He couldn’t hold me; he dropped me on the ice, and then he fucking left me. He got scared because I lost consciousness. He couldn’t wake me, so he left me on the fucking ice, alone, in the middle of the night.”
Tears are burning my eyes, and I howl. It hurts everywhere, just like it did when I finally woke up. Alone. In total darkness. In the silence and the cold.
“Ava?”
“Levi didn’t tell anyone what happened. He returned to the party, continued drinking and having fun. He told Layla I went home. Meanwhile, I crawled to the bench I left my phone on. My head was spinning any time I tried to stand up. My dad got there ten minutes after my call and took me to the hospital. I had broken my left arm, and I had a concussion. It’s nothing that didn’t heal.” I sniff, hiding my face in his chest and wetting it with my tears. “But I’m afraid to be on the ice since then. I’m afraid to even set foot on it; my vision blurs, and I become nauseous. He took away my love for skating. He took away the joy I felt playing hockey with Drake and Layla. He took away everything I loved about being on the ice, and I don’t know how to deal with it.”
Colton is silent. His heart is steady and calm. Only his trembling fingers in my hair reveal his state. He’s furious. Carefully lifting my head, I catch his gaze. A moment passes before he opens his mouth. “I will help you fall in love with the ice again.”
“Colt…”
“I know what it means to be afraid. I know what it feels like to not be able to even look at the thing that brought you pain and misery. I know about all of that, and I know how to fight it. So, if you let me, I would love for us to try. Okay?” He gently tucks my hair behind my ears. Cupping my cheek with his palm, he holds my gaze. It’s intense and penetrating, and he sees right through me. “But first, I’ll make him pay for what he did. I promise. He’s going down next Saturday.”
A thousand different emotions swirl around my head, but one is louder than the rest.
It’s called love, and I’m a fucking loser.
