evening, I was at Joy’s Elbow Room, throwing back a beer with my sister-in-law. Country music filtered over the din of conversation around us. Couples danced. Friends played darts. Our small table was an island of misery in the midst of the revelry.
Well, I was miserable. Elena was staring at me with barely restrained impatience. She didn’t have a lot of it on a normal basis, but pregnancy sucked the rest right out of her.
Once I’d arrived in Wyoming, I’d spent the afternoon snuggling the kids, riding Athena, and avoiding questions. Elena had put her foot down after dinner.
She wasn’t demanding answers, but I knew I wasn’t getting out of this town without spilling my guts. Deep down, that was probably why I came here. Elena wasn’t exactly a neutral party, but exposing the truth to her wouldn’t blow up my and Luca’s friend group.
All it took was one beer, and I was ready to talk.
When I started, everything poured out at once.
“My marriage to Luca is an arrangement. He basically needed a wife for his image, and I needed my mother off my back about dating. He asked me to marry him for two years, and I said yes because…well, you know how I am. I always say yes. But he told me from the beginning he wanted to settle down and have a real marriage eventually, and I explained my anti-marriage stance. We’re two people with fundamentally different beliefs about that. It should have been simple. I thought it would be.”
I waved my empty glass at our passing waitress. One beer wasn’t going to cut it. It had only begun to blur the raw edges of my eviscerated heart. I was going for full-on numbness.
Elena folded her arms, raised a brow, and waited for me to continue, so I did.
“We fell in love. It wasn’t on purpose, but it happened, and it was beautiful, El. Being with Luca is as easy as breathing. Most of the time, I forgot about our arrangement. He was just mine, and I was his. But then Clara—that’s his sister—had a crisis in her marriage. Her husband turned out to be this despicable human, and Luca has had to hold the weight of his family while everything fell apart.”
A full beer was placed in front of me. With grateful hands, I picked it up and took a long pull. Elena swung her crossed leg and waited for me to continue.
“He came home last night, and I could tell he wasn’t himself. He found out I still had some things at my apartment, plus I wasn’t wearing my rings, and he accused me of having one foot out the door. He was so mad he wouldn’t listen to anything I said. Then he told me he loved me for the first time. I love him too. How could I not? I’ve never loved a man the way I do him. But then…he demanded to make our marriage real. He wanted me to say yes right then and there, knowing how I feel about marriage. And I couldn’t, Elena. Of course I couldn’t.”
My head fell into my hands, too heavy to hold upright. “Then Clara got into a car accident, so Luca had to rush to the hospital. He wouldn’t let me come, but I followed him anyway. And he—”
My throat was too tight to get the words out. Elena laid her hand on mine, giving it a firm squeeze. My sister-in-law wasn’t the most demonstrative person. If I was getting a handhold, I must have truly looked miserable.
“He told me he didn’t want me. He told me to go.”
I ached. Dear god, did I ache. What was I supposed to do? I never should have agreed to any of this. How could I go back to Denver, share Sunday brunch with my friends, and face Luca again and again? I already knew I wouldn’t be able to. Time wouldn’t be enough.
I would never get over him.
How could I? He’d loved me so well. No other man would ever be able to touch the place inside me he’d carved for himself. It would be empty without his claim on it.
“Is that it?” Elena dug around in her purse and withdrew a plastic tube I recognized all too well.
I held my hand out, and she shook a cannabis gummy into my palm, then tossed the tube back in her bag.
“What do you mean, is that it?” I almost shrieked. Hadn’t she been listening? “I just told you I’m heartbroken.”
“But why? I don’t understand the problem. Your husband wants to be married to you. You’re already married. Nothing has to change.”
Maybe I’d had too many beers. She was confusing me. “But…it was an arrangement. It wasn’t real.”
Shaking her head, she chuffed. “Were you committed to each other?”
I nodded.
“And you already said you’re in love.”
I nodded again, slowly chewing on my gummy.
“You adopted a cat together.”
“Clementine.” I missed her, and it hadn’t even been twenty-four hours. Thankfully, the doorman had texted me pictures of her when he checked on her.
Elena leaned in. “The sex is…good?”
“Good doesn’t even come close to describing it.”
Her lips curved. “You met each other’s families.”
“Yes, but it was part of the agreement—”
She flicked her fingers, dismissing me. “I’m assuming this marriage is legal, right?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Then what’s the problem? You’re married to a man who fucks you right, loves you and your cat, is good to you, rich as God, hot as hell…I don’t get it.”
How had Elena managed to twist my mind around so thoroughly that I was beginning to not understand my own problems? Was she a witch?
Maybe it was the weed…and beer.
“I don’t believe in marriage?” Yeah, it had come out as a question. I doubted myself at this point.
Elena laughed. “Do you even know what you believe? You know, your brother tried to use your parents as an excuse to dump me.”
I sat back in my chair, heart sinking. “I remember that.” That was a decade ago, and I still recall telling Lock he was being an idiot for breaking up with Elena. Thankfully, he pulled his head out of his ass quickly and she forgave him. I might have made my dad adopt her so she could have still been my sister if he hadn’t.
“Then you’ll also remember it didn’t work. He figured out very quickly how stupid it was to use his parents’ mistakes as an excuse not to live the life he wanted. I see you doing the same after you had front-row seats to Lachlan fumbling the bag, and I can’t help wondering why you’re being stupid too. Is this fear?”
I flinched from the pummeling she’d given me. “You’re being mean.”
“No, I’m being blunt.”
And this was exactly why I came to Elena. She never pulled punches. She wouldn’t coddle me and tell me my decisions were right if they were dead wrong.
“I’ve never wanted to be married.”
She arched a brow. “And yet, you are.”
“But it’s not real.”
“You keep saying that. I don’t think that word means what you think it means.”
“I only married Luca because there was an end date. He’s the one who changed what we agreed on. He didn’t even want to have a conversation about it. It was his way or nothing.”
“And you honestly chose nothing?”
“I don’t believe in marriage,” I whispered.
“It’s not a fairy tale, babe. It’s an agreement between two people, which is what you and Luca have. Was it fair for him to change the details? No, of course not. It sounds like he was a total jackass.”
“He yelled at me.”
Because he’d been in pain. My Luca had been hurting and angry. If I hadn’t been there, he would have yelled at the walls. Taken his fury out on a canvas or mounds of clay. But it had been me. And I wasn’t a wall or clay. I was a woman with out-of-control feelings, shaky knees, a rattling heart.
Her eyes narrowed. “Did he hurt you?”
“No. I didn’t love being yelled at, but I wasn’t afraid of him.”
Aching for him. Confused by him. Needy for him. Angry at him. Never afraid of him.
“Good. I would hate for Lachlan to have to murder him.”
“He would.” My brother didn’t play when it came to the women he loved.
She nodded. “Not a question. Your father would probably get in on it as well.”
“There is no need for violence.” My head was beginning to feel lighter, as were my troubles. The gummy was working its magic. “I don’t think you’ll see him again anyway.”
Elena sighed and picked up her sparkling water, giving it a swirl. Then she reached for my hand. “I want to dance. If I go out there alone, I’ll end up having to fend off a lonely rancher or two, so you’ll have to dance with me.”
The gummy had loosened me up just enough that I let her drag me to my feet and over to the dance floor. Everyone was doing some line dance I didn’t know, but I joined in anyway. Soon, I was swept up in it, shuffling and spinning, probably doing it all wrong, but I didn’t give a damn. It was something other than being miserable, so I latched on to it with both hands.
One song blended with the next. Elena and I danced together, and any time a guy so much as glanced our way, she bared her teeth. Even pregnant, she attracted attention. That might’ve been because she had a whole “Evil Elsa” thing going. Scary but hot.
We spun until we were dizzy and had bounced ourselves sweaty. Eventually, we bellied up to the bar for another drink.
A pretty bartender with black hair and bright-blue eyes rested her elbows on the bar and grinned.
“What’ll it be?” she asked.
Elena patted my head. “Joy, this is Saoirse. Saoirse, Joy.”
I waved at Joy, who I assumed was the owner since her name was all over the place, and she waved back.
“Saoirse doesn’t believe in marriage,” Elena said.
Joy nodded at my rings. “Pity for your husband.”
I hid my hand behind my back. Elena cackled. “Right? I told her you can’t not believe in marriage when you’re literally married. Anyway, Saoirse needs a shot. Something sweet and strong, please. And I’ll have another seltzer.”
Joy saluted Elena. “I got you.”
Elena turned to me while Joy poured our drinks. “You know, I was suspicious when you called to tell us you’d eloped. All the time I’ve known you, you’ve been adamantly against getting married. But then you showed up here with Luca, and I saw how he looked at you. Then he was so patient with Caleb, who’d challenged him at every turn, and I thought, ‘Saoirse might have landed a good one.’”
“He is good,” I agreed.
Joy slid us our drinks and moved along. I swallowed the sweet liquid, exhaling as it fired down my throat and warmed my chest.
“I think he’s good for you.” Elena took a gulp of her seltzer and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “He’s your lighthouse.”
“My—what?”
“Sometimes I worry about you, babe. You’ve been directionless for a long time while calling it freedom and adventure. Those are good things, but I see you using your adventurous spirit as a cover for your fear of committing to anything. Not a job, a city, a home. But since Luca came into your life, you’ve committed. You started the business you’ve been thinking about for years. You have the cat you always wanted. And you fell in love. Head over heels. I think being with Luca has allowed you to feel secure enough to grab on to the things you’ve always wanted. You can explore uncharted waters because he’s your beacon home. Do you even know how rare that is? To have someone who really sees you, values you, and supports you?”
Tears welled in my eyes. I couldn’t cry at the bar at Joy’s Elbow Room. I absolutely refused. So, I bit down on the inside of my cheek until I got myself under control.
“I love him very much,” I rasped. “But I don’t know how to navigate this. How do I move past these feelings I’ve had for so long?”
“You have to talk to each other.” She curled her arm around my shoulders. “He was wrong for forcing your hand and then being cruel to you when you couldn’t say what he wanted you to say. But there’s no way around this. You have to work through it. And that will only happen if you both are willing.”
I leaned my head against hers. “I don’t know if he’s willing.”
“You won’t know until you face him, babe. Running will only get you so far.”
I wasn’t ready to give up on Luca.
But I also wasn’t ready to face him either. Not when I still didn’t know if I was capable of being what he wanted me to be.
If he even wanted me at all.
