That soup tasted better than the blood of my enemies.
Considering I’d never actually tasted the blood of my enemies, perhaps that didn’t do justice to the soup.
It tasted better than soup should. It tasted of laughter, and love, and appreciation. The warmth of it glowed inside me like ignited rocket fuel. I snuggled in the blankets, holding the big bowl in my lap, while Kimmalyn and FM chatted.
I fought down the tears. I would not cry.
But the soup tasted of home. Somehow.
“I told you the costume would make her come with me,” Kimmalyn was saying as she sat on her bed, cross-legged. “Black is the color of intrigue.”
“You’re insane,” FM said, wagging her spoon. “You’re lucky nobody saw you. Defiants are all too eager to look for a reason to be offended.”
“You’re Defiant too, FM,” I said. “You were born here, like the rest of us. You’re a citizen of the United Defiant Caverns. Why do you keep pretending you’re something different?”
FM grinned in an eager way. It seemed that she liked that sort of question. “Being a Defiant,” she said, “isn’t just about our nationality. It’s always expressed as a mindset. ‘A true Defiant will think this way’ or ‘To be Defiant, you need to never back down,’ things like that. So, by their own logic, I can un-Defiant myself through personal choices.”
“And … you want to?” I said, cocking my head.
Kimmalyn handed me another slice of bread. “She thinks you all might be a touch … bellicose.”
“There’s that word again,” I said. “Who talks like that?”
“People who are erudite,” Kimmalyn said, sipping her soup.
“I refuse to be trapped by bonds of autocracy and nationalism,” FM said. “To survive, our people have become necessarily hardened, but alongside it we have enslaved ourselves. Most people never question, and doggedly go through the motions of an obedient life. Others have increased aggression to the point that it’s hard to have natural feelings!”
“I have natural feelings,” I said. “And I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.”
FM eyed me.
“I’d insist on swords at dawn,” I said, eating the bread. “But I’ll probably be too full of bread to get up. Is this seriously what you all get to eat every day?”
“Well, what do you eat, dear?” Kimmalyn said.
“Rats,” I said. “And mushrooms.”
“Every day?”
“I used to put pepper on the rats, but I ran out.”
The two of them shared a look.
“It’s an embarrassment to the DDF, what the admiral has done to you,” FM said. “But it’s a natural outgrowth of the totalitarian need for absolute power over those who resist her—the very example of the hypocrisy of the system. Defiance is not ‘Defiant’ to them unless it doesn’t actually defy anything.”
I shot a glance at Kimmalyn, who shrugged. “She’s extremely passionate about this.”
“We are propping up a government that has overreached its bounds in the name of public safety,” FM said. “The people must speak up and rise against the upper class who holds them enslaved!”
“Upper class, like you?” I asked.
FM looked down at her soup, then sighed. “I’d go to the Disputer meetings, and my parents would just pat me on the head and explain to everyone else that I was going through a counterculture phase. Then they signed me up for flight school, and … well, I mean, I get to fly.”
I nodded. That part I understood.
“I figure, if I become a famous pilot, I can speak for the little guys, you know? I’m more likely to be able to change things here than down in the deep caverns, wearing ball gowns and sitting primly next to my sisters. Right? Don’t you think?”
“Sure,” I said. “That makes perfect sense. Right, Quirk?”
“I keep telling her that,” Kimmalyn said to me, “but I think it will mean more from you.”
“Why me?” I asked. “FM, didn’t you say people like me have unnatural emotions?”
“Yes, but you can’t help being a product of your environment!” FM said. “It’s not your fault you’re a bloodthirsty ball of aggression and destruction.”
“I am?” I perked up. “Like, that’s how you see me?”
Awesome.
The door to the little room suddenly opened, and by instinct I hefted the bowl, figuring that the still-warm soup might make a good diversion if flung in someone’s face.
Hurl slipped in, her lean form silhouetted by the hallway’s light. Scud. I hadn’t even thought about her. The other two had brought me in while she was away at dinner. Had they cleared this little infraction with her?
She met my eyes, then hurriedly shut the door. “I brought desserts,” she said, lifting a small bundle wrapped in a napkin. “Jerkface caught me taking them as he stopped by. I think he just does that to glare at us before he goes off to be with more important people for dinner.”
“What did you tell him?” Kimmalyn said.
“I said I wanted a midnight snack. Hopefully he doesn’t suspect anything. The hallway looked clear, no MPs or anything. I think we’re good.” She unwrapped the napkin, revealing some chocolate cake that was only mildly squashed by the transportation.
I watched her, thoughtful, as she gave us each a piece, then flopped onto her bed, stuffing the last chunk into her mouth in one go. This was a girl who had barely spoken to me over the last few weeks. Now she brought me cake? I was certainly relieved that she wasn’t going to turn me in, but I didn’t know what to make of her otherwise.
I settled back down in my blankets, then tried the cake.
It was so, so much better than rat. I couldn’t help but let out a little groan of delight, at which Kimmalyn grinned. She sat on the side of Hurl’s bed, which hadn’t been made in the morning. Kimmalyn’s bed was the neatly made top bunk above, with the immaculate corners and the frilled pillowcase. FM’s was on the other side, with the stack of books on the shelf near the headboard.
“So …,” I said, licking my fingers, “what do you guys do all night?”
“Sleep?” Hurl asked.
“For twelve hours?”
“Well, there’s PT,” FM said. “We do laps in the pool usually, though Hurl prefers the weights. And target practice with sidearms, or extra time in the centrifuge …”
“I still haven’t thrown up in that,” Hurl said, “which is, in my opinion, completely inappropriate.”
“Hurl taught us wall-ball,” Kimmalyn said. “It’s fun to watch her play the boys. They always take it as an invigorating challenge.”
“By which she means it’s satisfying to watch Nedd lose,” FM said. “He seems so befuddled every time …” She trailed off, perhaps realizing that they’d never get to see him play again.
My stomach twisted. Swimming. Target practice. Sports? I’d known what I was missing, but hearing it like that …
“We won’t be expected to do any of that tonight,” Kimmalyn said. “Since we’re sick. It will be fun, Spin! We can stay up all night talking.”
“About what?” I asked.
“Normal things,” FM said, shrugging.
What was normal? “Like … guys?”
“Stars, no,” Hurl said, sitting up and pulling something off her headboard. She held up a sketchbook filled with little drawings of ships going through patterns. “Flight strategies!”
“Hurl keeps trying to name new moves after herself,” FM noted. “But we figure the ‘Hurl maneuver’ really ought to have several loops in it or something. Like the one here.”
“I hate loops,” Hurl said. “We should call that the Quirk maneuver. It’s flowery.”
“Don’t be silly,” Kimmalyn said. “I’d somehow end up crashing into myself if I had to do that many loops.”
“A Quirk maneuver would involve complimenting the enemy while you shoot them,” FM said, grinning. “ ‘Oh! You make lovely sparks when you die! You should feel very proud of yourself. Good job!’ ”
My tension bled away as the girls showed off the maneuvers they’d designed. The names were consistently terrible, but the chatter was fun, engaging, and … well, just so very welcome. I took a turn sketching an obscenely complex maneuver into the book, something between an Ahlstrom loop and a double switchback with a sidewind.
“Crazy thing is,” FM said, “she could probably pull that off.”
“Yeah,” Kimmalyn said. “Maybe we could rename taking off the Quirk maneuver. That’s the only thing I can manage consistently.”
“You’re not nearly as bad as that,” Hurl said to her.
“I’m the worst pilot in the flight.”
“And the best shot.”
“Which matters zero if I die before I can fire back.”
I grunted, hand still on Hurl’s notebook. I turned to another page. “Quirk is a great sniper, and Hurl, you’re excellent at chasing down Krell ships. FM, you’re excellent at dodging.”
“I can barely hit the broad side of a mountain though,” FM said. “I guess if you somehow mashed us all together, you’d have one good pilot.”
“Couldn’t we try something like that?” I said, sketching. “Cobb says that the Krell are always on the lookout for pilots who distinguish themselves. He says that if they find someone they think might be flightleader, they concentrate all fire on that person.”
“Yeah?” Hurl said, sitting up on her bed. “What are you saying?”
“Well, if they really are machines, maybe they’ve got this mandate to hunt down our leaders. Maybe it’s stuck in their machine brains, to the point that they follow that command to ridiculous ends.”
“That seems like a stretch,” FM said.
I glanced at my pack, and the portable radio on the side. The light was flashing. M-Bot had tried to call me, probably with another request for mushrooms.
“Look,” I said, returning to my sketch. “What if we encouraged the Krell to focus on specific members of our flight? If they concentrated fire on FM, who is best at dodging, they might leave the others alone. Quirk could set up and pick them off. Hurl could hang back, and then chase after any who decided to try to bring down our gunner.”
The others leaned in close. Hurl nodded, though FM shook her head. “I’m not sure I could survive that, Spin. I would end up with dozens of tails. I’d be shot down for sure. But … maybe you could manage it.”
“You’re our best pilot,” Quirk agreed. “And you’re not frightened of anything.”
My pen stilled, and I looked at the half-drawn flight plan, with Quirk’s ship sitting at the perimeter sniping down Krell. I’d drawn a dozen ships chasing after a single pilot.
What would it feel like to be in the seat, knowing you had heat from a dozen enemies? Immediately my daydreaming took over, imagining it as an incredible, dramatic fight. Explosions, and excitement, and glory!
But now there was another voice inside me. A quiet, solemn one that whispered, That’s not reality, Spin. In reality, you’d be terrified.
“I …” I licked my lips. “I don’t know if I could do it either. I …” Force it out. “I get scared sometimes.”
FM frowned. “So?”
“So some of what I say … it’s kind of … bravado. In reality, I’m not that confident.”
“You mean you’re human?” Kimmalyn said. “Blessed stars. Who would have thought?”
“You sound like you’re making some big confession,” FM agreed. “ ‘Guys, I have emotions. They’re terrible.’ ”
I blushed. “It’s a big deal for me. I spent my childhood dreaming of the days when I could fly and fight. Now that I’m here, and I’ve lost friends, I … It hurts. I’m weaker than I thought I was.”
“If that makes you weak,” FM said, “I must be useless.”
“Yeah,” Kimmalyn said. “You’re not crazy, Spin. You’re a person.”
“Albeit,” FM added, “one who has been thoroughly indoctrinated by a soulless system designed only to spit out willing, jingoistic, obedient thralls. No offense.”
I couldn’t help noticing that Hurl had grown quiet at this conversation. She was lying back on her bed and looking at the bunk above.
“You can admit these things to us,” Quirk said. “It’s all right. We’re a team.” She leaned in toward FM and me. “Since we’re being honest here … can I tell you something? Truth is, I make up most of those quotes I say.”
I blinked. “Really? Like, the Saint never said all those things?”
“No!” Kimmalyn said in a conspiratorial whisper. “I came up with them myself! I simply don’t admit it, because I don’t want to appear too wise. It’s unseemly.”
“My entire world is shaken right now, Quirk,” FM said. “I feel like you just told me up is really down, or that Hurl’s breath smells great.”
“Hey,” Hurl said. “See if I get you cake again.”
“This is serious,” I said to the other two. “I get scared.”
I might secretly be a coward.
FM and Kimmalyn blew it off. They reassured me, and talked about how they felt. FM still thought she was a hypocrite for wanting to bring down the DDF while also wanting to fly with it. Kimmalyn had the soul of a smart aleck, but the upbringing of a polite society girl.
I appreciated their kindness, but it occurred to me that the counterculture Disputer and the girl from Bountiful might not be the best people to understand how important it was that I not be afraid. So I let the conversation slide in other directions.
We talked far into the night, and it was … well, it was wonderful. Sincere and friendly. But as the night grew long, I found myself strangely anxious. In some ways, this was one of the best days of my life—but it also reaffirmed what I’d always feared. That the others were bonding without me.
My mind scrambled, even as I grinned at something Kimmalyn said. Was there a way to extend this? How often could the girls claim to be sick? When could I come back?
Eventually, biology began to make its demands, so Quirk and FM went to scout out the restroom. That left me with Hurl, who had been dozing off. I didn’t want to wake her, so I waited by the door.
“I know how you feel,” Hurl suddenly said.
I almost jumped out of my skin. “You’re awake?”
She nodded. She didn’t even seem drowsy, though I swore I’d heard her snoring softly earlier.
“Fear doesn’t make us cowards though, does it?” Hurl asked.
“I don’t know,” I said, walking over to her bed. “I wish I could just smother it.”
Hurl nodded again.
“Thank you,” I said, “for letting the other two plan this night for me. I know spending time with me wouldn’t have been your first choice.”
“I saw what you did for Nedd,” she said. “I watched you fly in after him, right into the depths of that chunk of debris.”
“I couldn’t let him go alone.”
“Yeah.” She hesitated. “My mother told stories of your father, you know. When she saw me back down on the playground, or flinch from a ball during practice. She told me about the pilot who claimed to be brave, but was a coward inside. ‘Don’t you dare sully the name of the Defiant people,’ she’d say to me. ‘Don’t you dare become a Chaser …’ ”
I winced.
“But we don’t have to be like that,” Hurl continued. “That’s what I realized. A little fear, a little history, those things don’t mean anything. Only what we do means anything.” She looked toward me. “I’m sorry for how I treated you. It was just a … shock, when I found out. But you’re not him, and I’m not either, regardless of what I feel sometimes.”
“My father wasn’t a coward, Hurl,” I said. “The DDF lies about him.”
She didn’t look like she believed me, but she nodded anyway. Then she sat up, holding out her fist. “Not cowards. No backing down. Brave until the end, right Spin? A pact.”
I met her fist with mine. “Brave to the end.”
