TRINITY
Maddy wouldn’t stay with me all day. I knew that, but I was thankful she was still here. I didn’t know these people, and right now, I didn’t want to be alone.
Had I made the wrong decision? Would Huck hate me for leaving? Was my heart going to always feel as if it had been destroyed?
I dropped my head into my hands and sighed. I missed him. If I had stayed even if he was done with me, at least I would still get to see him. But would I have been able to deal with that kind of agony … having him there, but not being able to touch him?
“If you want to come to my house, you can. Or Garrett’s house even,” Maddy said across from me.
I shook my head. Huck wouldn’t want that.
The door to the apartment we were in opened, and Liam, Maddy’s father, walked in with a frown on his face. Liam owned a strip club—or his motorcycle club did. They owned several, she’d said. Most in Miami. She had brought me to Devil’s, his club in Ocala, where Huck had been last night. Liam had an apartment above the club.
“We got company,” he said, looking at Maddy, then shifting his gaze to me. “And he’s real close to taking out some of my men. I told him to give me five minutes before he hurt someone.”
Maddy sighed, then reached over and took my hand. “I expected this. Even though I turned the tracker on your phone off, I figured he’d find you. They always do. You can’t run from the family.”
“Tracker?” I asked, confused.
Maddy nodded. “Yes. When I checked your phone, it had the same tracker on it that Blaise keeps on mine. Which means you’re important to Huck. Before you get mad, know that I’ve been in your shoes. And if it wasn’t for that tracker, I’d be dead.”
I swallowed nervously. “Huck is here?” I asked, then lifted my gaze to Liam.
“And raising fucking hell. What’s it gonna be? You don’t want him up here, we will do our best to stop him, but I can’t promise you we can,” he told me.
He was here and upset.
I stood up. “I didn’t know he’d look for me. I’m sorry. Yes, he can come up, or I can just go down. I don’t want to cause problems for you.”
Liam chuckled. “I’ll send him up. Fucker’s got the territorial gleam in his eye I’ve seen on Blaise, and I don’t want to stir that nest again.” He walked back out the door, closing it behind him.
I looked down at Maddy, who was grinning.
“Long story. I’ll share it with you sometime. Do you want me to stay? Or do you want to be alone?”
There were things I needed to say to him, and having someone else hear that would be difficult.
“Alone is better.”
She nodded, then stood up. “It’s terrifying to love a man like him, but I promise you, it’s worth it.”
She didn’t understand. Loving him was easy; it was losing him that was killing me.
“Thanks for all you’ve done to help me. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you.” I felt myself get choked up again.
Maddy stepped forward and hugged me. “Huck came here, which means our friendship is just beginning.” When she let me go, she winked at me, then headed for the door.
It swung open before she got there, and Huck filled the doorway. His gaze shot past her and locked on me. Just the sight of him made my chest swell. I wanted to keep him, and the fact that I wasn’t going to get to was shattering me.
Huck started toward me in long strides, looking so fierce that I worried that maybe I should have had Maddy stay. Was he mad because I’d had his boss’s wife help me leave? That might have been a mistake.
“Fucking hell, Trinity,” he said as he reached me and pulled me against him. I could hear his heart beating fast as his arms tightened around me. “Don’t ever leave me again.”
My hands gripped his shirt, and I buried my face against him, wanting to soak him in. He smelled like whiskey and cigarette smoke. But thankfully, I didn’t smell another woman’s perfume. Maddy hadn’t taken me into the club downstairs, and I hadn’t wanted to see it. Even knowing he’d been here last night, possibly with another woman, I wanted to hold on to him and never let go.
Did love make you this crazy? Shouldn’t I pound on his chest and tell him how much it’d hurt that he’d ignored my text and been here, watching other women strip? Yes, I should. And I was going to, if I could stop clinging to him.
“Why did you leave me?” he asked. His voice was strung tight, like he was in pain.
“Because you wanted to be with other women. I thought that meant we were done,” I said against his chest, not looking up at him.
“What? Trinity, look at me.”
I took a deep, calming breath, then did as he’d asked.
His hands cupped my face. “Baby, I don’t even see other women. You fucked me up. I just see you. Just want you.”
The lump in my throat was getting thicker. “But you were here last night.”
He nodded. “In a dark corner, alone, drinking, not facing the stage. No women.”
God, how I wanted to believe him. If this wasn’t a dream and he was really saying these things, then I wanted them to be true more than I wanted my next breath.
“I heard Gage and Levi last night. Gage heard a woman in the background when you were on the phone.”
He groaned. “That was one of the waitresses. Yes, I ordered drinks, but that’s it.” He brushed his thumb over my cheek. “I couldn’t pick her out of a lineup. I don’t even know her name. I wasn’t here because of you or us. I … I was sent something, and it was hard. Real fucking hard, and I had … have a lot of shit to work through, and that’s going to take me a while. My head was in a bad place last night.”
He looked pained, as if it hurt to even think about what had upset him. I looked into his cornflower-blue eyes and wished I could make whatever was hurting him go away.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m going to, but it was too raw yesterday. I’ve made some mistakes in life, but not like this. Not this brutal. Forgiving myself might never be something I can do.”
I put my hands over his and leaned into him. “You have me. I lo—” I stopped, realizing that I was about to tell this man I loved him. Not a good idea.
He inhaled sharply. “Not yet,” he said through clenched teeth. “Don’t finish that sentence.”
The way just a few words could crush me when they came from this man. I nodded, feeling as if he’d just shaken me, reminding me that loving him was not part of the deal. But it was unfair that he thought he could control my heart when not even I could control it.
“Jesus, baby, stop looking at me like that.” His voice was strained. “Sit down. I was going to wait until we were home, but you need to see this.” Then, he let out a defeated sigh. “And after you see this, if you still want to finish that sentence …” He trailed off.
I walked over to the sofa and sat down on the closest end to me, keeping my eyes on Huck. The muscles in his neck flexed as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. His eyes looked like they held a world of suffering in his gaze. I wanted to make it go away. Hold him and tell him I loved him. Tell him how loving him had changed me. How he’d given me something I hadn’t known I was missing.
Huck stepped over to me and held the paper out to me. “Read it.”
Confused, I reached for it and unfolded it slowly. Part of me wanted to understand what was wrong with him, and the other part wasn’t sure I could bear it if this was causing him such torment.
When I opened the folded paper, the first thing I realized was that it was a letter, but it was the second thing that knocked the wind out of my chest. This was Hayes’s writing. My eyes shot back up to him.
He pointed at the letter. “Read it.”
Huck,
Hey, big brother. I’m going to start this by apologizing. For everything you’re going through, for my being weak, and for not being the brother you deserved. I was never like you, but I wanted to be. I wanted your strength, fearlessness, loyalty. When I looked at you, I saw Dad, and I loved you and hated you for it. I wanted to see Dad when I looked in the mirror, but that was never going to happen. I wasn’t like Dad. That was all you.
Maybe if I’d chosen your life, left home, and become a part of the legacy our father had left behind, I’d have found acceptance. I could have been me. Not the version I pretended. Not the guy everyone thought I was. But again, I was weak. I wasn’t fearless. I wasn’t you. I had demons no one could ever see.
Understand that choosing to take my life wasn’t an easy one.
Horror gripped me, and my eyes shot up to lock with Huck’s. My vision blurred as I looked at him. Emotion clogged my throat. Had I just read that wrong?
“What?” I whispered.
Something wasn’t right. Hayes had died of a brain aneurysm. Not suicide. Hayes wouldn’t have done that.
“Finish,” he replied softly.
I could see the agony in his expression. This was real. I placed a hand on my chest as the pain seared through me.
It was a selfish one. I didn’t want to face the truth. I’d chosen to be a minister because it had seemed safe. Surely, if I served God and taught the scripture, he’d fix me. Right?
Wrong.
It hadn’t worked. No amount of reading the scripture, praying, serving the church fixed me. I never changed. I pretended. I was so good at it, but every day, I died a little more inside.
I’m gay.
I’ve known it since I was about ten years old. Maybe earlier. At first, I thought it was because girls made me nervous, but the older I got, I knew that wasn’t the case at all. I dated girls, but even kissing them was difficult for me.
I met Mark my first year in college. With him, I could be myself. I might have been happy, but my need to please our grandparents kept me from being honest not only with myself, but with everyone else too. Because of my refusal to be who I was, I lost Mark. He gave me an ultimatum, and I didn’t choose him. I chose the church. The lies. The world I had built for myself. The facade.
Anyway, I struggled for a while alone, but then a woman walked into my life who needed saving too. She had her own set of demons. The first time I saw her in the congregation, she was detached. The brokenness in her gaze was one I recognized. I felt what she so openly let others see. Needing someone who didn’t have it all figured out. She was as lost as I was, so I befriended her. That would be another one of my sins.
Trinity Bennett wasn’t broken. She was hurt in ways that went deep. Her need to be loved, to feel wanted, and for affection tugged at my heart. For a moment, I thought I could save her, and in doing so, it would make my life okay. I realized soon though that she wasn’t weak. Not like me. She didn’t pretend. She accepted her life and didn’t try to be someone she wasn’t.
As I’m sure you’ll hear, if you haven’t by now, I proposed to her, and she said yes. I knew she wasn’t in love with me, but like me, she wanted something she couldn’t have so badly—to be wanted and accepted. I thought for a moment that I could give us that. But the more she pressed to get closer to me, the more I put up a wall. Hurting her was the last thing I wanted to do, and the thought of leaving her alone again was the one thing that made me question if I should go through with this. But again, I was selfish.
I know you can find her. Do it for me. I shouldn’t get to ask you anything, and I know that, but please watch over her. She’s got darkness that is even more powerful than mine. She needs what I couldn’t give her. She needs to be cherished. She needs a safe place where she belongs. She needs a man to love her. That man wasn’t me, and I’m not asking you to be that man. I know you’re not cut out for that. She just needs protecting, and you can protect her better than anyone I know.
I’m sorry for a lot of things. Not coming around to see you more. Not telling you the truth, for leaving without saying goodbye. But in this life, I had the best brother a guy could ask for. I was always proud of how tough you were. How you chose who you wanted to be and didn’t ask anyone’s opinion. Just please try to understand.
This is all I know to do. This is my freedom.
I love you.
Live this life for both of us.
Hayes
“Oh God,” I whispered.
Disbelief gripped me. The words I had just read were written in Hayes’s handwriting. It was so familiar to me that I had even heard his voice in my head as I read it. I could feel his personality within the words. But so much confused me.
Where had this letter come from? Why had everyone been told his death was a brain aneurysm? How had I not realized this? I’d been close to Hayes. I should have seen it. Should have known he was struggling. He had needed someone, and I could have helped him.
Huck stood with his eyes closed as he hung his head. “I wasn’t around. I didn’t check on him enough. I didn’t make time to get close to him. If I’d just put aside my disdain for our mother’s parents and taken time for my brother, I would have seen it. I could have been there. I could have stopped him.”
The agony in Huck’s voice gripped me. He was blaming himself.
“But I did see him every day. For six months, we were together, and I missed it. He was hurting, and I … I was so consumed with my mistakes, the shadows from my past, that I didn’t see he needed someone,” I said to him, standing up. “If you are blaming yourself, stop. I was there, Huck, and I let him down. Not you.”
He shook his head as he lifted his eyes to meet mine. “He was my baby brother. When our parents died, I swore I would protect him. I went to live with those people because he needed me. It was my job, my responsibility, and I failed.”
Taking a step toward him, I reached out my hand and placed it on his arm. “Did you read the words in this letter? He wasn’t blaming you. This is why he wrote it. So you would know why. Not so you could put this on yourself.”
Huck ran a hand over his head and sighed heavily. “It arrived in my post office box yesterday. I don’t know who sent it. Whoever he had left it with was supposed to have sent it at his death. They had known he was going to do this. I have to know who knew. The minister and his wife must not be above lies. I guess suicide is a worse evil than lying about the cause of your grandson’s death. That sickens me. They were fucking embarrassed and lied about it.”
I wasn’t going to make excuses for them. He was right. They preached against sin when they had so many in their closet.
I wrapped my arms around him and held him. I couldn’t make his pain go away, but I could comfort him. I had only known Hayes for six months. He was Huck’s brother. The grief was going to stay with him for a long time. I pressed my face to his chest, wishing I had the right words for both of us.
“It’s like losing him all over again.” His deep voice was laced with sorrow.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t home when you got there. I can’t promise insecurities will ever go away,” I whispered. “If I’d had any idea you were hurting, I’d have come to find you. Not left you.”
We stood there for several moments, saying nothing. There were times in life that words only filled a voice and served no purpose. This was one of those.
“Trinity,” he said, breaking the silence.
“Yes?”
“Never fucking leave me again.”
