Evan
Biology class ends, I grab a stool and plonk myself down next to Araminta Wilson-Sing. She’s sort of the opposite of Sophie: small and curvy and playful, with an impeccably made-up face and dark hair dip-dyed blond. She throws me the dirtiest look I’ve ever been thrown, like an actual piece of dog shit has just plopped down at her side, and angles herself away from me, packing her books into her bag.
“Go to hell, Evan.”
“I’ve not even said anything yet.”
“I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.”
She’s not even quiet for a whole second before she turns back around to face me. “You’re a real piece of shit, you know that?”
I raise my hands. “I know, that’s why I—”
“When I think about—” she interrupts me, then interrupts herself, composing herself with a graceful gesture. “Sophie is a fucking goddess in this world. Nobody works harder than she does, nobody deserves more than she does. She has a hard time trusting other people because you were a dick to her and decided to ruin the first friendship she ever had in this place. And now she’s actually in a better place, and actually decides to give you the tiniest morsel of trust even though you did nothing to deserve it, what’s the first thing you do? Sell her out? For what?”
“But I’m sorry I did it, and I wish I could take it back, but I can’t, I’ve tried to apologise but—”
Her eyes go wide. “Oh, you apologised?” she says witheringly. “Oh, why didn’t you say so? A whole apology? My god, you poor thing.” She shakes her head. “You disgust me. When I think—do you even know how much Sophie worries? She worries about things all the fucking time. She’s grown up around people who are richer than she’ll ever be, no matter how hard she works, and she managed to find this one tiny thing that made her feel some control over her life and future, and you just fucked that up for what? For literally no reason.”
“I said I’d pay her for the tutoring though!” I protest. “It’s not like I don’t know she doesn’t worry about money. I would help in a heartbeat, but she said no!”
“Sophie would rather die than let you help her!” Araminta exclaims.
“I know, she told me she’ll jump from the clock tower before she ever takes money from me.”
“And I can assure you she absolutely meant it.”
“Then how the fuck am I supposed to help?”
“You didn’t need to help at all! You just needed to not fuck things up!” Araminta pauses, then glares at me. “Why did you even sleep with her in the first place if you were going to turn around and do something like that? I knew you were capable of being a real piece of shit but that’s a dick move even by your abysmal fucking standards!”
I falter. “She—she told you we… slept together?”
It’s not exactly the term I would have used to describe what passed between Sophie and I but if I described it the way it happened I’m pretty sure Araminta would reach into my pants and rip my balls off with her bare hand.
She grimaces. “This is Sophie we’re talking about. Unlike you, this kind of stuff is a big deal to her.”
I interrupt hotly. “It’s a fucking big deal to me too!”
“Clearly not, since you fucked her one second, reported her to the school the next, and then told everyone she hates she’s essentially your whore.”
The loathing in her eyes dissuades me from denying anything she’s just said, so I don’t.
“Look, I know I fucked up, okay? But I’m not a robot either!” I lean forward, lowering my voice. “She hurt me too, you know!”
Araminta narrows her eyes but doesn’t speak, as if she’s waiting for an explanation.
So I hurry up and explain, before she punches me, which she looks like she really wants to. “She said she was only having sex with me to get rid of me and then she couldn’t—she didn’t even want to see my face while we… At least I had sex with her because it was her, because I wanted to—she could barely bring herself to look at me. How do you think that felt?”
“Obviously it must have felt like shit,” Araminta admits, “but kind of makes sense in the context of things, don’t you think? And telling everyone you two fucked just to make her look bad isn’t exactly going to make her feel better about the whole thing, is it?”
“I wasn’t trying to make her look back, I—”
But Araminta interrupts me. “The truth, Evan, is that you’ve always wanted her for yourself, and because you’re too much of a coward to admit it, you would just rather nobody else have her, so you make her life hell so there’s nothing left in it but you. You finally made some headway, because she trusted you enough to tell you she got that job, and even somehow deigned sleeping with you, and you managed to fuck both of those things up, all for what? To maintain some last dreg of power over her while you can? Well, guess what? Your scorched earth approach isn’t going to corner her into liking you—it’s just destroying everything.”
I’m starting to get fed up with everyone calling me a coward, but I don’t say this to Araminta. Instead, I sigh and say, “What do I do, then?”
Araminta blinks. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, how do I get through to her? I was nice to her at my house, and it felt nice, and I kept her secret and offered to let her stay at mine so she could keep going to that job, and then when things were finally going well and we made out, she just turns around and says it’s all a terrible mistake, she was drunk and she regretted it and she fancies someone else. What was I doing wrong, then?”
“Just because you were nice to her one fucking time doesn’t mean she automatically owes you her complete and undying love, Evan! My god, are you a child? Could you not be nice to her just because you actually like her and want her life to be nice and not because you expect anything from her?”
I look down, shame flushing heat into my face. “I can, I can, but—”
“But what?” Araminta snaps. “But you get everything you ever want so why should Sophie be any different?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then what?”
In the end, I tell her the truth, and it sounds even more pathetic than it feels. “But it fucking hurts.”
“Oh does it?” Araminta stands up and shoulders her bag. “Does it hurt, Evan? Is it difficult and painful, having to work for something you want without knowing if you’ll ever get it? Well, that’s how Sophie feels. All the time. So at least be thankful there isn’t some arsehole in your life making things difficult just because they can. Oh wait, there is. You. You’re making your own life difficult, and you’re too stupid to know it.”
She gives me a long, hard look. “Just so you know, you used to be Sophie’s favourite person in this school. Everything you want now, you had in Year 9, and you threw it all away. You might even have had it again this year, if you’d actually tried being a decent human being for once. But you reap what you sow, Evan, so maybe you should try sowing some good for a change.”
And then she turns and walks out, leaving me alone in the classroom to slump down on the high desk, my face in my arms, wondering why nobody is willing to tell me something I want to hear for a change.
Araminta’s words linger in my mind. “You used to be Sophie’s favourite person in this school.”
I never really think about our friendship in Year 9. It happened so fast—ended so quickly. It was my third year in Spearcrest by the time she arrived, I had my own friendships. Her obvious and painful awkwardness somehow endeared her to me, and I extended the hand of friendship since nobody else seemed to have done so.
Being friends with Sophie was fun. Back then, she was an odd combination of very serious and quite goofy. A bit of a nerdy kid, hard-working and with an almost grown-up sense of right and wrong.
But we could talk for hours, play stupid games, make fun of each other. In the classes we had together, we started sitting next to each other. I’d distract her with doodles and notes, she’d explain to me all the stuff I didn’t understand. At Christmas, I even asked my mom to help me buy her a nice gift.
Out of all my friendships, the one I had with Sophie was the most refreshing, the most genuine. We didn’t talk about holidays, about our parents’ jobs, about money. We talked about everything else.
And then, the closer we got, the more Luca and Séverin and the others noticed it. At first, it was harmless jabs: who’s your new girlfriend? Are you and Sophie going to get married when you’re older? Stupid childish shit.
Then, it was: are you only interested in her because you want to know what it’s like to date someone poor? Do poor girls put out more easily because you can just bribe them with gifts and money?
My first and only fight with Luca was on a day I found him talking to Sophie in the dining hall. He asked her a million questions, and then touched her hair, which I particularly hated. I hated it so much I wanted to punch him.
When I confronted him later, he said, “We’re going to run this school, Evan. This girl isn’t one of us, she’s just going to get in our way. But you want to go ahead and keep her around, then you’re going to have to just accept we’ll be sharing. You’re not gonna be the only one who gets to stick it in a poor person.”
I hit him that day. His dad called the school. The school called my dad. My dad threatened to yank me out of Spearcrest. But if I left Spearcrest I wouldn’t just lose Sophie—I’d lose everything.
So I stayed in Spearcrest and made up with Luca. It came with a lot of power, everything I wanted in Spearcrest. But Luca hadn’t lied about the sharing thing. From then on, every girl I ever tried to be with, any girl I ever dated, Luca always ended up getting his hands on at one point or another.
I made my peace with it. I didn’t really care so long as he stayed away from Sophie.
And the more I distanced myself from Sophie, the more cruel I became towards her, the less interested Luca was. And being cruel to Sophie became so easy—she made it easy. With her combative glares, her prideful posture, her fucking prefect badge. Everything I used to like about her faded, she became someone so easy to hate.
But I never stopped wanting her for myself. And so everything I did was worth the sacrifice at the time. Because my hatred kept her in a cage, and in that cage nobody else could reach her. Not even Luca.
It had been worth it for the longest time.
But Sophie made it out of that cage. Right under my nose, she outgrew it. She became beautiful and self-assured, cool and confident. And while I was worrying about somebody in Spearcrest noticing her, somebody outside of Spearcrest—some normal, random guy with nothing to offer—swept her away. And now, we’ll all be leaving Spearcrest in a few months, and after that, everything here will become meaningless. I’ll have spent five years around Sophie without ever being able to get near her.
And it doesn’t feel all that worth it anymore.
