Leila
Being back home is so bittersweet. I miss my dad, I miss the weekends we used to spend together, I miss watching him at work in the food truck on my way back from school. But I also hate that this is the one place that always brings back bad memories.
This house was where I binged for the first time, hating my body every time I looked in the mirror, devouring an entire box of cookies just to starve myself the very next day. This house is where my mom looked me straight in the eyes and asked me what she did to deserve a daughter who didn’t look like her or my sister.
This house is where I learned that my body was not accepted, that my value as a human, as a woman was diminished because of my size, because of the way I look.
But one look at my dad when I open the door has every bad memory floating away. I miss him so much. His grin warms my heart when he pulls me in for a hug. “Leila, it’s so good to see you.”
“Me too.” I pull back. “I miss you, Papi.”
He gives me a smile. “I wish you’d stay until your birthday next week.”
He always made a big deal out of birthdays, inviting all the neighbors and the family over for a huge feast. It’s honestly so disheartening that I won’t be able to spend my birthday with them this year.
“I’d love to, you know I would. But I have class.”
“Hmm. ¿Y como van?” And how is it going? he asks, making me wince.
“Good.”
He gives me a pointed look. “No mientas.” Don’t lie.
I let out a laugh. “Boring. But it will be fine.”
He nods. “I know you picked business because of me, but you don’t need to do everything I do, Leila.” He shakes his head, closing the door behind me. “You are not me; you’re your own person.”
“I know that,” I glance at him. “I wanted to make you proud.” I’ve always admired him, starting his own business, and even though it’s not my dream, I was always interested in how it worked.
“You do. Estoy muy orgulloso de ti. Mi Tigresa.” I am very proud of you. My Tiger. “And this photoshoot, huh?” He laughs. “I know how difficult that must have been and I am so proud of you for following your dreams,” he says, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “Even though I wish you would do it with your clothes on.”
I laugh. “Thanks, Papi.”
“Did it go well?” he asks.
I nod. “Yeah it was fun.” It always is. Every time I stand behind a camera, it gives me a rush just like the very first time. It went great, apart from the other girls making little comments here and there about their bodies. The way they looked in the mirror and tore their perfect, thin bodies apart right in front of me, Amina, and some other bigger girls was such a slap in the face.
“And how are you feeling about it?” he asks.
I shrug. “Good,” I admit. “I know I would have loved to see someone that looked like me in those magazines, and now I can be that for someone.”
He nods. “Tan orgulloso,” he repeats. “Viene. Your mom has been up early making arepas.”
My eyes widen, my stomach rumbling at the thought of having home-cooked food. “She has?” I ask skeptically, knowing my mother wouldn’t want me to eat those, even though they’re my favorite.
He glances at me, pushing open the door to the backyard where my family is. “I helped.” Which means he cooked them, and Mom was not happy about it. Dad has always tried to keep the peace between Mom and I, and failed—miserably.
My sister turns around at the sound of the door opening and her eyes widen. “You’re here.”
I nod, giving her a smile. “I’m here.” We were inseparable growing up, but when we grew up, she had different interests, and we drifted apart. “Hey, Daniel,” I glance up at Laura’s boyfriend, whom she’s been glued to since high school. They met, fell in love, lived happily ever after. Even though she’s my younger sister by two years, her love life is better than mine ever was.
“Hey, Leila,” he greets, leaning down to kiss my cheeks. “Haven’t seen you around lately.”
“Well, some of us go to college,” I offer with a smile. Laura and Daniel decided college wasn’t for them. My mom was not happy, and neither was my dad, but being my mom’s favorite child, she won her over when she told her she’d decided to follow her dreams and be a hairdresser. Daniel got a job at the dealership his uncle works at straight out of high school, and together they make a perfect couple.
He laughs, his brown eyes a perfect match to the hair on his head. “I heard about the photo shoot,” he says, flashing me a wink. “Congrats.”
I press my lips together, giving him a smile. “Thanks.”
My head turns, seeing my mom, who looks as beautiful as ever. Long, brown hair that my sister and I both inherited; Laura cut hers short, just above her shoulders. The dress my mom is wearing falls just above her knees, wrapping around her slim waist that she wishes I had too. I give her a smile, still finding myself missing her even though she makes me feel so bad about myself. “Hey, Mama.”
Her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes when she pulls me in for a hug, kissing my cheeks. “Mija. So nice to see you. Te ves muy feliz.” You look very happy.
“I am,” I tell her, hoping she doesn’t go into a rampage about my body. “I’m happy.”
Her brows raise. “¿Novio?” boyfriend? My stomach drops.
I shake my head, inhaling before I sigh. “No, Ma, no boyfriend.”
She shakes her head. “If only you would just—”
“Ven comer.” Come eat. My dad interrupts whatever my mom is about to say, calling us over to the folding table he set up in the middle of our backyard, decked with arepas and filling, a big salad bowl on the side and some plantains and fries.
As soon as we sit, my sister tells me all about her trip to Europe she took with Daniel, how they saw the Eiffel Tower and tried snails and I listen to it with a smile, all while my mother glances at me with a clear effect of telling me that this could be me. That the life my sister is living could be mine.
I leave my half-eaten arepa on the plate, noticing how my mom’s eyes widen with every bite I take. My stomach cramps, but I don’t even have an appetite anymore. I got so used to Aiden making me eat and acting like there was nothing wrong with eating that I forgot. I forgot that my fatness offends my mother, makes her hate me, makes me worthless.
I’ve tried so hard to fight for myself. I look in the mirror every day, grab my rolls, and whisper words of love. I’ve been trying to love myself, love my body, embrace it for what it is, that I forgot what it was like.
The feeling of disgust of being in my own body. Feeling like I occupy the room with my loud voice and my big body. Feeling like I’m unworthy of love.
It’s all coming back to me, and that happy feeling I had before, it’s long gone. In less than twenty minutes, my mom managed to destroy my self-confidence once more.
I try to smile when my dad puts some of his fries on my plate when my mom turns around. But I don’t eat them. I leave the fries to harden and get cold on the side of my plate.
“When does the magazine come out?” It takes me a while to realize my sister is talking to me and I blink, trying to shake all the negative thoughts out of my mind.
“Next month.”
“Are you going to be on the cover?” Daniel asks.
“No. It’s a feature piece.”
My mom shakes her head, digging into her salad. “I don’t know how you’re not embarrassed.”
“About what?”
She looks up, rolls her eyes. “Leila, por favor. No seas tola.” Don’t be dumb. “Everyone is going to see your body,” she says, that last word covered in disgust. She drops her fork, pressing two fingers to her forehead. “If you would just…” she shakes her head, not bothering to finish her sentence, but I know. Eat healthier, work out more, whatever stupid thing she sends me that she saw on the internet. She looks at me. “You could be so pretty.”
I’ve been heartbroken before. What my ex-boyfriend, Jake, did took a toll on me. I really thought I loved him and that he was genuine, and then when I found out it was all a lie, my heart shattered into little pieces.
But this right here? What my mom just said to me? It hurts a million times worse. What’s left over of my heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach as everyone at the table stops eating, stops talking, and stares at me.
You could be so pretty.
“Mama,” my sister says, grabbing her attention.
“¿Qué?”
“We’re celebrating her birthday, lay off.”
My mom scoffs. “Her birthday isn’t for another twelve days.”
“Camila,” my dad says. “That’s our daughter. How can you tell her she’s not beautiful?”
My mom holds her finger up. “Yo no dije eso.” I didn’t say that. “I was just telling her she could be so much prettier if she lost weight.”
“Camila!”
“This is your fault,” she says to my dad. “You think I don’t know the secret snacks you give her when you think I’m not looking?” She glances at me. “How can you blame me for that?”
She lets out a heavy breath, gesturing to Laura. “Look at your sister, Leila. She has a boyfriend, a good job. That could be you.”
“I can still have that.”
She scoffs again. “The one boyfriend you had thought you were a joke. Despierta mija. You will never have that if you don’t make a change.”
I can’t sit here and listen to my mom berate me and tear apart the tiny little piece of confidence I’ve tried so hard to build up the past year I spent away from home. I stand up, the chair scraping against the ground as I do. “I need to go to the bathroom.” I head inside, closing the door just in time to hear my parents arguing.
I take the stairs, finding the old bathroom and lock the door, sitting on the edge of the bathtub. The tears fall freely as my brain replays every bad word I’ve heard about my body.
So much potential wasted.
If only she wasn’t big.
Do you really think I would ever want you? It was a joke.
You could be so pretty.
A knock at the door makes my head snap up, staring at the wooden door in front of me. “Leila?” my sister asks. “Can I come in?”
I shake my head, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. “What do you want?” The bite in my tone is obvious.
She opens the door and peeks in. “I’m not here to make it worse,” she says, shutting the door behind her. “I promise.”
I sniff, wiping the wetness from my face. “I’m sorry.” My shoulders drop, feeling the tears brew up again. “I just…”
“I know.”
“How can she say that?” I ask my sister, a tear rolling down my cheek. “How can she sit there and talk about me like that?”
“I’m sorry,” my sister says, frowning. “None of us believe that, Leila.”
I laugh, tears streaming freely down my face. “Please. I know what everyone thinks when they look at me.”
“That you’re stunning? Yes, that’s what they think.”
“Laura.” I glare at my sister, knowing she’s trying to make me feel better but also knowing that it’s all a bunch of lies.
“Leila,” she mimics. “I know you’re not a nun at college.”
I shrug. “So? Doesn’t change anything.”
“It means guys want you.”
“For sex,” I explain to my sister. “You will never understand, Laura. You’ll never know what it’s like being kept in secret all the time and then being looked at with disgust the next day, avoiding you at all costs, afraid that anyone finds out they like fat girls.” I shake my head, letting out a breath. “I wish I was you.”
She’s quiet for a moment before she sighs. “No, you don’t.”
I laugh bitterly. “I can’t begin to count how many times I have wished to be you.”
“Daniel’s cheating on me.”
I lift my head, the silence between us deafening. “What?”
She sighs, closing her eyes and tipping her head back on the door. “I don’t mean to avert from your problems, but hearing you speak about being kept in secret and wishing you were me… I just had to tell someone.”
“Really?” I ask her.
She shrugs, frowning. “I think so. He’s been coming home late, always having a different excuse.” She drops her head. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I’m so sorry.”
She lifts her head, wiping the tear that’s falling down her cheek. “I didn’t tell you that because I need you to feel sorry for me. I wanted you to know that Mom is wrong. Life can be shitty no matter what you look like.”
My shoulders drop. I miss my sister. Growing up, I diverted more to my dad, having more common interests with him, and my sister grew closer to my mom. “Thank you.” I glance up at her. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
She shrugs, picking at her nails. “I didn’t want to bother you.”
“You’re my sister,” I tell her, standing up from the bathtub. “You can never bother me.”
She smiles, giving me a laugh. “You’re going to regret that,” she says. “I’m going to be calling you every week now.”
“Please do. I’ve missed you.”
She smiles, pulling me in for a hug. “I’ve missed you too.” She pulls back and fixes her short hair in the mirror, wiping her face and making it look like she hasn’t been crying.
My phone buzzes in my hands and I look down, the name on the screen making my heart pound. It’s only been a few days since we last saw each other and I’m already anticipating seeing him again.
Aiden:
I know this is breaking the rules.
My heart beats as the three dots jump on the screen, my hands clutching the phone tighter.
Aiden:
But I really fucking miss you, Leila.
“So, no boyfriend,” Laura says, making my eyes snap to her. She grins, glancing at me in the mirror. “But there is someone. I can see it in your eyes.”
She turns around and I sigh, my eyes dropping back to the text that is undeniably making my insides flutter. “There may be someone.”
She grins. “I knew it. Tell me everything.”
I shrug, turning off my phone. “There’s nothing to say. We’re just sleeping together.”
She shakes her head. “That never works. Do you have feelings for him?”
I try not to think too much about it. I didn’t want to get attached to Aiden, but I think it’s too late. Just being in New York for a couple of days without seeing him is making me desperate to go back home until I can see him, kiss him. “We’ll see.” It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted it and the confession makes my heart beat even faster. I do have feelings for Aiden. Undeniable, strong feelings that I can’t push away anymore.
My sister laughs. “Keep me updated.”
A grin sprouts on my face. “Will do.”
“Come on,” she says, opening the door. “If Mom says anything, I’ll distract her.”
I scoff. “We’re going to need a tornado to distract her.”
