Leila
“You want one?” Rosie asks, pulling out a croissant from a brown paper bag.
My stomach churns when I turn my head away. I can’t eat. Just knowing that the issue where I’m standing in a swimsuit is out makes me lose my appetite.
It wasn’t supposed to come out yet. I had another two weeks to prepare. I need those two weeks. I’m not ready.
“Are you ok?” she asks, furrowing her brows.
I haven’t told her. I haven’t told anyone. I didn’t even know it was out until I saw a text from Amina this morning congratulating me, telling me we look amazing. I need some of what she has, some of that takes no bullshit from anyone attitude. It doesn’t matter how many times I try to act like that on the exterior, trying to keep everyone at a distance, it changes nothing about how I feel on the inside.
“I’m good,” I tell her, chewing on the inside of my cheek. “Just tired.”
“We could hang out at Grayson’s tonight if you want?” she offers. “Face masks, some snacks, and just talk.”
“That’s okay. I’m busy tonight.” Throwing up from stress. Big plans.
“Are you sure?” She glances at me. “Aiden will probably be there.”
My eyes snap towards hers. She munches on the croissant, but I can see a hint of a smirk on her lips. “What do you mean?”
“I saw you coming out of his room.” She smiles at me sheepishly. “I went to get a glass of water around three in the morning after we… I woke up.” I can’t help but laugh when her cheeks tint with red. “And I saw you open the front door.” She takes another bite of her croissant. “I was waiting for you to tell me yourself… but you never did.”
That was months ago. “I’m sorry.” My steps slow when I let out a sigh. “I wanted to keep it a secret,” I tell her, lifting my shoulders in a shrug. “I didn’t tell anyone.”
“So no one knows?”
“Gabi knows.”
Her brows knit together. “Gabi?”
I nod, scoffing at the reminder of how she found out. “She kind of walked in on us leaving the bathroom together.”
She places half of her eaten croissant back into the bag. “So what does this mean? Are you guys dating?”
I shake my head before I even consider it. It’s been almost a three since Aiden told me he wanted more and took me on a date. Three days since I realized I’m in love with him. And I haven’t seen him.
I can’t tell him what he wants to hear. I don’t think I ever will. “That’s not going to happen.”
“Why not?” I glance at her, not daring to say anything else. She knows why. She was there. “Oh. Right.” She swallows. “Jake.”
Yeah, him. I let out a sigh. “I told myself I wouldn’t let it happen again, but it’s gotten a little… complicated.”
“What do you mean?” The smile on my face is more than enough of an answer, which Rosie catches on to, stopping in her tracks, and grinning at me. A smile so wide I’m scared for her jaw. “You love him,” she announces, everyone within a mile radius hearing her.
“Shhh.” I glance around. “God, can’t you keep a secret?
She chuckles. “This is big news. You love him,” she says again, unable to stop smiling. “So why aren’t you guys dating?”
“It’s not that simple, Rosie. I didn’t want this to happen.” I let out a groan. It’s the last thing I could want and the best thing that has ever happened to me.
She smirks, glancing at me. “So are the rumors true?”
“What?”
She grins, holding out her hands about nine inches apart. My eyes widen when I catch on, bending over in laughter. “Oh my god.” I shake my head. “Grayson has ruined you.”
She drops her hands, laughing along with me. “That’s a yes.”
My eyebrow lifts. “That’s a hell yes.”
She gulps, eyes widening, which makes me laugh even more. She shakes her head. “I’ve got to go to class.” She stuffs the croissants in her bag, waving goodbye.
The door of the café slides open when someone walks out and I head inside, approaching the counter to order my daily green smoothie when I hear laughter. Not just any laughter. I’ve heard it before. The cocky, bitchy laugh that girls do when they’re making fun of you. Just the sound makes my skin prick with goosebumps when I look around, the noise haunting me from the years of modeling with other thin girls who acted like my body was a joke to them.
“I’m not lying. I saw them together at Vio last week.” I stare at the counter in front of me, my ears perking and my heart racing when the name of the restaurant Aiden took me to comes up in conversation.
“Aiden Pierce doesn’t go out with girls like her,” another girl says. “There’s no way they’re sleeping together. They’re just friends.”
“I’m surprised she even fit on the page.” My stomach drops when they laugh and I turn around, spotting three girls huddled together, the one in the middle holding a magazine. The magazine I’m on. Their eyes land on mine and the laughing stops, their faces visibly blanching. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve been through this, how many times I’ve heard comments just like it, it hurts every time.
“Hello, what can I get you?” I turn around, staring at the barista who’s smiling at me. I don’t even respond, I turn around and push through the door, walking out of the café trying not to fall and break down in front of a bunch of strangers.
I don’t even know where I’m going. I just walk, my vision blurring as the tears threaten to drop. Why is it so much easier to focus on the negative over the positive? I’ve spent the whole morning on the post looking at comments and saw so many nice ones, so many supporting girls loving the diversity in the different body types. So why is it that one comment from a few girls has me rethinking everything?
“Hey.” When I look up, Aiden’s walking towards me with a grin on his face. I forgot how good his presence is. I almost forgot how he makes me feel when we’re together. The settling feeling washes over me the closer he approaches, until he’s right in front of me, reaching to cup my face.
My eyes widen when I realize he’s about to kiss me and I take a step back, scanning the surrounding area. There are too many people here, people who know Aiden. This is not a good idea. His frown makes my stomach drop and I force myself to say, “We’re in public.”
I twist around and walk over behind one of the buildings. “Where the hell are you going?” he asks. I don’t answer, I just keep walking until I’m certain no one can see us. His hand wraps around my wrist, halting me. “Talk to me, Leila. Stop running away and tell me why you’re so hellbent on keeping this a secret.” His frown deepens when I pull away from his touch and cross my arms, my heart pounding against my chest. “I thought we talked about this,” he says, looking down at me, disappointed.
The problem was, we didn’t talk about anything. We had one special night where I let myself pretend this could happen, but then I remembered it couldn’t. “You talked,” I tell him. “I said I couldn’t do this.”
He shakes his head, perplexed by how cold I’m being. I have to be. I can’t give him false expectations, letting him wait around until I’m ready because I never will be. “What are you talking about?” he asks. “What the hell changed since a few days ago? On your birthday you said—”
“I lied.” His mouth closes when I interrupt before he can give me a rundown of what I said that night. I know what I said, and I meant every word, but that was before I remembered how different Aiden and I are. “I didn’t mean it,” I lie, my heart breaking with every word. “I don’t think this is a good idea, Aiden. We’re not fit for each other.”
“What the hell does that mean?” He stalks over to me, but when I take a step back, he freezes, letting out a harsh sigh. “Is this about my family?”
My eyes squeeze shut. Please, don’t make this any harder than it has to be. “No,” I tell him honestly. “I told you I don’t care about that.” His family have nothing to do with why I can’t be with Aiden. This is all on me.
“Then what?” he asks, desperately. “What are you saying right now because you’re breaking my fucking heart here, Leila?”
God. My heart aches when his voice cracks saying my name. I love him. I wish everything was different. “You don’t like me like that, Aiden, you’re just deluded. You like the sex or maybe it’s just out of pity.” I shrug. “I don’t know. I just think we need to cool it.” My throat burns when I spit out the next words. “I think we should—”
“Do not say see other people,” he warns. “I thought I made it perfectly clear no one fucking touches you but me.”
I don’t want anyone else to touch me. I don’t want anyone else to kiss me. I just want him. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” I tell him, dropping my eyes to the ground beneath us. I hate that I have to do this.
His thumb lifts my chin, the small amount of contact making my stomach flutter. When I lift my head and look into those blue eyes of his, my heart stops. I love him so much. “What happened?” he asks. “Just tell me.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “What happened?” I repeat. “Look around, Aiden. I’m a joke. You’re the king of Redfield. Did you honestly think it was going to go any other way than this? No one will get it. I barely do.”
“You don’t get what?”
“Why you want me,” I yell back at him, wanting him to get it, to get what everyone else will think if they see us together. “Why you even looked at me when you can have any girl you want.”
“I don’t want any other girl,” he yells, taking a step closer to me. “I want…” he closes his eyes, running a hand down his face. “Fuck, I just want you, Leila.”
My lips press together as I shake my head. “Every girl in this school wants you,” I tell him. “I can’t compete with that.”
“There is no competition,” he says, taking a step closer. “You win every time.”
His words make me press my lips together, my heart beating right out of my chest, so fast, so hard. “What we have works in private, Aiden. It doesn’t work in public.”
“Don’t give me that bullshit. This has nothing to do with other people. This is between you and me. No one else,” he says, stepping closer to me. “Just us.”
“It’s not just us,” I say, gulping when I look at him. “Everyone will talk. You’ll be ruined if people find out we’re together.” I let out a sigh, wanting him to understand. “They’ll joke and give you shit for it. There’s a reason they all want to keep it a secret.” I throw my hands up. “God, even your teamma—” My lips press together when I realize I’ve said too much.
His eyes widen. “Repeat that for me,” he says. “My teammate?” I let out a sigh, and when I don’t answer, he asks, “Who, Leila?”
“You told me you didn’t need names.”
His brows rise even more. “If they said something to make you believe being with you should be kept secret, then hell yes I want their names.”
“It doesn’t matter, Aiden.”
He doesn’t buy it though. “Just tell me what happened,” he says. “No names. Just tell me what they said.”
My stomach drops. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
I try to push past him but he stops me, looking down at me. “Tell me.”
I swallow, licking my dry lips knowing I’m about to break both of our hearts for repeating this but he needs to understand why I can’t be with him. “Freshman year of college I was at a party and I saw him in the corner, alone and I approached him. I flirted, he kissed me and took me back to his place.” I’m zooming past the information not wanting to dwell on it too much.
“He kept his hand on my mouth the whole time so I wouldn’t make noise.” I still remember how he kept telling me to ‘shut the fuck up,’ pressing his hand to my mouth so hard it was painful. “He told me to leave through the back exit and to never look at him in public.”
Aiden’s eyes darken and I can feel the anger brewing inside of him. “I’m going to kill him. Who the fuck said that?”
“You said no names.”
“I take it back.”
“Well, you can’t. He wasn’t the only one. Why you don’t understand? This is what they do.”
“I’m not them,” he says. “I am not some silly little boy who needs validation from other guys about who I’m dating.” He shakes his head. “I told you I don’t give a shit what they think of me. I might have done once upon a time, but now…” His eyes bore into me. It feels like he’s staring into my soul, seeing all of my bad parts and still wanting them. “I only care what you think of me,” he whispers, his throat bobbing. “So tell me, Leila. What do you think of me? Are you embarrassed of me?”
I sigh, closing my eyes. “No.”
“Are you not attracted to me anymore, is that it?”
“No.”
“Then what is it?” he asks again. I drop my head, feeling a tear roll down my cheek. His hands are on me again, pulling my chin up and before I know it, his lips are on mine, pressing a soft kiss to them, once, twice. “Nothing they say matters to me.”
It might not right now, but how long will he last when all he hears are jokes and realizes he wants someone else? “I want some space,” I mutter so quietly I don’t think he heard me.
“Space,” he repeats. “From me?” When I nod, his face shatters. “Right,” he says, taking a step back from me.
“You have too much going for you to mess it up on a silly mistake.”
He glances at me, shaking his head. “I would give it all up if it meant I could have you.” My god, this man is breaking my heart. “You could never be a mistake.”
