The silence is getting to me, I’ve been sitting in front of my mother for five solid minutes after the guys left the room. She keeps staring at me like I’ve risen from the grave and come to haunt her.
“So…” I start, squirming on the overly comfortable couch and darting my gaze towards the front door.
The nagging feeling that I’ve made a mistake coming here grows. I’m not afraid physically, but mentally I feel like I’m spiraling down a dark hole that I might not be able to climb out of. Cruz had hidden his true self behind a mask for a long time before his true colors came through but these guys don’t hide anything. The aura of danger surrounds them, you can tell how their demeanor is with the way they hold themselves and the slightly crazed assholes enjoy it. Logan has been point blank with me, told me how it is, even if he’s being an ass. The man may have big dick energy, which I can now confirm by the sore ache between my thighs but God, he’s such an asshole! As for Tey… I can’t really describe him, but oddly enough I find him sweet even if he carries a knife in his boot. And lastly, Nicky, who wouldn’t stop glaring at me with his almond shaped emerald eyes. I felt burned to a crisp under his intense gaze. The guy confuses me, how deadly still he was but didn’t miss a thing in the room. This whole experience has turned my normal routine upside down. I’m used to walking on my toes, waiting for the next beating but with these people, if they wanted me to be dead… I’d already be dead. It’s just a gut feeling I’ve learned to follow over the years, you get used to the difference between seeing how a sociopath works or if that person is just damaged inside and out. That doesn’t mean I’ll be walking around without looking over my shoulder. The threat was loud and clear. I’m not trusted. I don’t know what they think I did but I shouldn’t be here in the first place. Diana clearing her throat causes me to jump, so lost in my thoughts, and focus back on her.
“You aren’t supposed to be alive,” she blurts out, patting down her fake blonde hair in a nervous gesture.
I don’t- can’t decide how to even answer that. My life has been a shit show, it wasn’t the worst until after Uncle Rig disappeared. Did I ever think about what it would be like if I wasn’t here anymore? To just be no more? Of course, I’ve been tempted to just take the easy way out but my life couldn’t be just misery. The thought makes me angry… no, completely furious.
“And why the hell would you think that? You know nothing of my life and what I’ve been through. I’m a fucking survivor! This was a mistake, coming here.” My chest was tight, making it difficult to breathe and I realized the symptoms I was having could only be one thing, an oncoming panic attack.
Everything was just too much. The thought of Lorrie really not being my birth mom… and this lady in front of me, who looks put together when her daughter was out there slowly dying each day, sends me over the edge. Not to mention I let my wings spread with my asshole of a stepbrother. Will nothing really surprise me anymore? I don’t give a shit about Franco’s warning, I’m not a prisoner. Never again. As soon as I can breathe normally again, I’m out of here. My head was suddenly pushed between my knees. I inhaled deep breaths and noticed the quiet sob next to me that somewhat helped me focus on something else.
“That came out wrong. I’m sorry. I meant that I didn’t know you were alive. It’s a long story and I really want you to hear me out before you consider leaving, Til,” Diana whispers brokenly, her hand smoothing up and down my back in an attempt to comfort me.
I jerk away from the small touch before she can feel my scars, and put some space between us. A soft whisper in the back of my mind tries to break through. An edge of darkness, I think it’s the gentle touch that I’ve never received that brings the past trying to break free.
“W-what do you mean?” I stutter out, trying desperately to focus on anything that isn’t broken in my mind.
“Eighteen years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl that stole my heart the moment she looked at me with big, brown eyes. I became a mama that day, but the only remaining piece of my heart broke then too.” She pauses, her gaze faraway before focusing back on me with tears in her eyes. “I like to think you were sent to me when my life was so hopeless, a brightness in a place filled with such darkness…” Her voice trails off in a whisper, tears trailing down her face that looks so much like mine but older.
This is hard to wrap my head around. It was drilled into my head that Lorrie was my mom ever since I could remember. Even Uncle Rig would never deny who my mom was when I asked him a long time ago. I knew at a young age that she wasn’t mother material when she would call me a worthless waste of space. I didn’t know why she would treat me that way but it kind of makes sense now… I was never hers from the beginning.
“Uncle Rig, why does my mom hate me?” I asked around a mouthful of peanut butter and jelly as we sat outside on the picnic table.
Uncle Rig always seems to know when I’m starving, even comes to get me to go get ice cream sometimes. When I’m bigger than eight years old, old enough to make my own meals, I won’t have to have anyone to look after me. I’ll be a grown up, life will be easier. I guess Uncle Rig can stick around to get me ice cream sometimes too, I’ll always need him.
“Your mother would never hate you. If she knew… she loves you with everything inside of her. One day, she’ll show you if you just give her time. For now, you have me to love the shit out of ya, kid,” Uncle Rig says, ruffling my hair, and laughing at my jelly filled grin.
“Why would you leave me to that monster if you knew I was there?” The small whisper leaves my mouth without thinking about it, my body shaking from the shock.
“Your birth was a difficult one. I didn’t have nurses to help me, only the club’s Doc as I gave birth to you on the pool table in the compound. Hours of struggling, bleeding, you finally appeared in my arms. I was exhausted, could barely keep my eyes open but I got to hold you for what felt like seconds. You gripped my finger with your tiny hands, so strong that I knew you would be okay. Everything was ripped away from me when Payne and Doc took you to be looked after. That night, Til, I was told you died from complications. I couldn’t believe it, you were just in my arms and then you were gone. A piece of me died that night. I was so weak, tired, that I just became a shell of myself. Days passed and I never came out of my bedroom, wishing I was anywhere but there. It was too much and Payne carried on like he always did. I was as good as dead and that’s when I left without a backwards glance.” She reaches out to grip one of my hands tightly, her gaze flickering between mine, begging for me to understand.
“I still don’t get it. Why would Payne tell you I was dead? He never wanted me there, he passed me around…” I trail off, lost in my memories, and nearly jump out of my skin when Diana cries out as if in pain.
Her shoulders are hunched, crying openly over our clasped hands as she rocks back and forth. Franco comes storming around the corner, his lips in a tight line as he wraps an arm around Diana, helping her off the couch.
“This has been a painful memory for my wife. You’ll have to wait until she’s feeling better. For now, feel free to explore the house and make yourself at home since you won’t be going anywhere. You’ll be under the boys’ care and will be starting school tomorrow. I’ll be making the calls to have you enrolled and everything else you might need.” His tone comes off as polite but what he’s really saying is that I’m a prisoner in his home until he figures out what to do with me.
I’m still free to come and go as I please, as long as one of the guys is watching me like a fucking babysitter. But the thing is, I’m not going anywhere until I have answers and it might just be a safer route for me… until it’s not.
I hear the distant sound of vehicles purring to life outside, the sound never ceases to send a shiver down my spine. Guess the three of them left without another word. I stay planted on the couch, trying to process everything as I watch Diana leave the room, leaning against her husband for support. She really is fragile. She stops suddenly at the archway but doesn’t turn around.
“He was punishing me,” she whispers on a choked sob and leaves the room to probably go lay down again.
What was Payne punishing her for? He isn’t even here but wins once again as he takes another piece of my life from me that I never knew existed.
