As I’m walking to class, I can’t help but feel like everyone knows. Heat creeps up my neck, spreading across my cheeks as I pass other classmates in the hall. I avoid any eye contact possible, keeping my gaze trained on the ground below my feet.
What happened with Sterling this morning was something I’ve never done before. I’m as unexperienced as they come. I had a boyfriend in high school, but I didn’t ever have sex with him. It’s like in my mind, I subconsciously knew that he wasn’t important enough to me. He didn’t deserve that part of me. So, every time we got close to it happening, I pulled away from him.
He never protested, but I think it’s because he half expected for me to come to my senses and for it to happen eventually. But it never did. Now, I’m in college with little experience and my hymen still intact. This morning was the first time I ever did something like that with someone over the phone.
And I can’t believe I did it with Sterling freaking Barrett.
Of all people for me to get involved with like that, it just had to be him. It’s something I’ve wanted to happen since we were kids and I developed an unhealthy crush for him. I just never thought my dream would ever be within my reach.
I know Sterling well enough to know it doesn’t mean anything to him in the grand scheme of things. If you aren’t a stick or a puck, you don’t matter in the long run. I’ve seen him go through so many different girls over the years, none of them ever stuck. And it wasn’t because they didn’t want to be around. It’s because Sterling always kicked them to the curb without a second thought about it.
I don’t know what his real issue was. It was almost as if he didn’t think he deserved to have it all. Having a girl and still being able to play hockey was just not a possibility in his mind. Doesn’t he realize that people make sacrifices and make things work?
Or maybe he was just like the way I was with Ben and my virginity… None of the girls that Sterling ever dated or slept with were deserving of his heart.
I continue to walk, counting my steps as the classroom that I need is at the end of this hall. My mind is somewhere else completely and I don’t even notice that someone is standing in front of me until I’m colliding into a solid, warm chest.
A gasp slips from my lips and I inhale deeply as I lift my head, meeting his eyes. His scent invades my senses and I feel my heart crawl into my chest as I stare up at Sterling. There’s a ghost of a smirk on his lips, because God forbid he ever lets a smile consume his expression.
“I was hoping I would run into you,” he says softly, a chuckle vibrating in his chest after his words. “I was wondering if we would run into each other like this again.”
I swallow hard, shifting my weight nervously as I smile up at him. “Sorry about that. I wasn’t paying attention and was a little distracted.”
Sterling tilts his head to the side, raising an eyebrow at me. “Oh yeah? What has you so distracted right now?” I don’t miss the lilt in his voice and I know exactly what he’s implying.
And damn him for hitting the nail on the head.
“Um, you know… just stuff.”
“Right,” he chuckles, his eyes shining brightly at me. “Let me walk you to class?”
My eyes widen slightly as his question catches me off guard. “You don’t have to do that,” I tell him, my voice quiet as I glance around the hall. I’m sure he’s offering just to be nice, but then again, Sterling isn’t usually nice like this. “I’m just at the end of the hallway here, so it’s really okay.”
“I know, Olivia,” his voice is hoarse as he stares directly through me. “I don’t have to, but I want to.”
“Oh,” I respond, my breath catching in my throat. “Okay.”
We both turn simultaneously and fall in step beside one another as we head in the direction of the classroom. I don’t think that Sterling has a class anywhere near mine this morning, so there’s no reason for him to be over here right now. Unless he actually did walk over here just to see me. Which, in that case, he’s going to be late for his own class.
As we walk in silence down the hall, I see Noah standing outside the door waiting for me. He’s predictable and doesn’t do anything that would ever cause any surprise. He waits for me every morning, so there’s no reason to expect anything different from him.
“What are you doing tonight?” Sterling questions me, not noticing Noah outside the door.
“Nothing,” I tell him honestly. “I was probably going to study or something. Or just read. I don’t really ever have any plans.”
“Come study with me,” he offers, turning his head to look down at me. “When is your last class? I’ll pick you up afterward.”
I push away the nervousness that wells inside of me. “I’ll be done around four-thirty.”
We reach the doorway to the classroom and Sterling’s jaw clenches as his eyes drift over to Noah, who offers me a wave. I wave back at him, smiling brightly before looking back at Sterling. A shadow passes through his expression, his eyes growing dark as he stares back at me. A shiver trails up my spine as his cold gaze is glued to mine.
I don’t know what to expect, bracing myself for him to just walk away or give me some kind of attitude. Instead, he steps closer into my space, his fingertips brushing against my face as he pushes a stray lock of hair behind my ear.
My breath is caught in my throat as he closes the distance between us, his head right beside mine and his hand still cupping the side of my face. His breath is warm against my ear and his lips are soft as they skate across my skin.
“Get rid of him, Olivia,” he murmurs as he nips at the bottom lobe of my ear. I’m still holding my breath, waiting for him to say something else as a warmth floods my body. This is the effect he has on me and sometimes I can’t help but hate it.
Instead of offering any more words, Sterling pulls away from me, cold replacing his warmth against my face. Without another word, he turns his back to me and strides away, disappearing in a crowd of students as he makes his way toward the stairs.
Letting out the breath I was holding, I walk over to Noah, my smile not quite reaching my eyes as I meet up with him. His eyebrows are drawn together, but there’s nothing malicious in his expression. Just curiosity instead.
“Who was that?” he questions me as he pulls open the door and holds it for me to step through.
Swallowing roughly, I shake my head dismissively. “Just a friend. He was walking me to class.”
“It looked like it was a little more than that, Olivia,” he says, his voice filled with concern. “Sterling, right? He doesn’t seem like the most pleasant person.”
“He isn’t,” I agree with a shrug as we find our seats in the classroom. “But sometimes he can be nice.”
“Just be careful with him,” Noah warns quietly. I look up at him, meeting his concerned eyes. “Guys like him are nothing but trouble.”
I force a smile to my lips as I nod at Noah. “I appreciate your concern, but he’s just a friend. I’ve known him my entire life so I know what to expect with Sterling.”
“So, there’s nothing going on between the two of you then?” Noah asks, his voice soft and gentle, just like his soul.
I shake my head, not sure how to respond. I don’t know what the hell is actually going on between us, but I’m not going to be the first person to admit that there is more than what I’m telling Noah. “He’s just a friend.”
“Good,” Noah sighs in relief, a smile tugging on the corners of his lips. “Because I really like you, Olivia. And if I’m going to have some kind of competition, I’d like to know what I’m up against.”
The air leaves my lungs in a defeated sigh as I sink down into my seat. I like Noah, but he isn’t Sterling. He’s nice and he’s safe. I’ve grown relatively close to him in the short amount of time we’ve been friends. He’s quite literally the only friend I have and while I’ve given the thought of something more with him, I don’t know if that’s a line I would ever cross.
And now Sterling is involved. He’s in my head and under my skin. He wants me to erase Noah from the equation, but I don’t know if I’m ready to. He’s the safer option between the two. It’s not fair to string him along when I have feelings for someone else, but I don’t know if I’m ready to close the page to that chapter yet.
At some point, I’m going to have to let him go. I’m going to have to end whatever this is before it progresses to something more.
How the hell am I going to let him down without ruining our friendship in the process?
