He drags me across the attic by the belt, stopping halfway to grab something from his bag.
“Now you’ve gone and done it, Princess,” he growls.
“Stop!” I gurgle, pulling on the belt around my neck. It fastens around my skin, choking me to the point of being unable to speak. He hauls me so roughly that I’m afraid I might lose consciousness if I don’t get this off soon, so I claw at the leather until my nails start to bleed.
“Fighting will only make it hurt more,” he says, opening the door.
Right before we reach the stairs, he picks me up from the floor and throws me over his shoulder. I use the opportunity to slam my fists into his back.
“Put me down!” I yell, punching him as hard as I can.
“Not a chance in hell, sweet cheeks,” he says, taking me down one flight of stairs.
That’s when I hear the screeches coming from a closet in the hallway.
“Paige?” I scream.
She squeals, but something is preventing her from speaking. Something muffles her voice. He must’ve stuffed something in her mouth.
“Shut up,” Phoenix growls.
“Paige! You stuffed her in a fucking closet?” I yell.
“Well, where else would I put her?” he says with a laugh that sounds as if it’s strange that I would be asking the question in the first place.
When we reach the bathroom, he puts me down inside the bathtub and turns on the shower.
Ice cold.
I scream from the icy pain cascading down on my sore muscles and burning skin. My ass hurts the most, the red marks he left lighting up like a painting made of blood.
“No!” I attempt to fight him off, trying to jump out of the tub, but he holds me down.
He grabs my wrists and pins them to my back, causing intense pain and almost dislocating my shoulder. Then he dangles a set of cuffs in front of me. “See this? It’s a neat little thing I picked up in prison. I’ve worn them plenty of times. Now it’s your turn, Princess.”
He puts one on me before I get a chance to jerk my hands free. The other is chained to a bar between the faucet and the wall. Now I’m trapped with no way out, doused in cold water until my skin erupts in goosebumps, and my body starts to tremble ferociously.
“Turn it off!” I say. “It’s fucking cold!”
“You wanted to shower. Now you have it,” he muses, poking at my skin.
The heat regulator is just out of my reach, even though I try to reach as far as I can. I get up and move into the corner as far away from the jet. This makes him lash out and tug on my hardened nipples, causing me to squeal.
“Either stay in the cold or I’ll keep tugging and pulling, sweet cheeks. I might even pull out my knife if you don’t do what I say.”
“No,” I say as I suppress the tears.
“Then move under,” he growls, suddenly looking less amused.
I do what he wants, slowly stepping under the cold shower, desperate to feel a little warmth. I’ve been naked for quite some time now, and to feel icy-cold water now is even more painful on my already cold skin. I can’t keep myself warm, and I can feel the cold seeping into my bones.
“Like your shower?” he asks, smiling like a motherfucker.
I want to punch him in the face, but I can’t reach that far with just one free hand.
“I take it back,” I say, my lips trembling. “You’re not kind.”
There’s a self-righteous smirk on his face. “Good.”
“You know what else is true?” I say.
“What?”
“That I thought you could, for once in your life, do the right thing.”
He squints, his lip twitching, and then out of nowhere, he turns the water from icy cold to scalding hot. I scream as the water burns on my skin, my senses completely jumbled from the temperature change. I’ve no idea what’s hot and what’s cold, as the two both hurt immensely.
“Please, stop!” I say.
“Do you think I’m kind now?” he growls.
“No!”
“I’m. Not. Kind.” He leans in so close that he’s almost under the water himself. “And don’t for a second think that you can make me believe that I am.”
I whimper, my hands holding my chest in an effort to protect myself.
He turns the water back around, and the ice returns to my bones. I’m shivering, and my skin burns from the alternating extreme temperatures he’s forcing me to endure.
“Now, be a good girl and stay put,” he says, turning around.
“Wait? You’re not going to leave me here, are you?”
Glancing over his shoulder, he says, “What if I am? What are you going to do about it? Scream?” The devious smile on his face tells me that he’ll only enjoy it more if I make a sound.
Suddenly, a phone goes off. He’s momentarily taken off guard, and I seize the opportunity to move away from the shower stream as far as possible. It’s not enough to avoid the cold completely, but at least it’s better than nothing. Phoenix isn’t looking as he picks up his phone.
“Who’s this?” he asks.
I find it incredibly odd that he wouldn’t know who’s calling him. After all, this must be a new phone, so he remains under the radar. How would they know his number if he doesn’t know them?
“Hold on.” He puts his finger on the mic and glances back at me. “Don’t you make a sound because you know what’ll happen if you do. I’ll be back … soon.”
And then he leaves the room with that same wretched smile on his face.
***
PHOENIX
I close the door behind me and focus my attention on the call.
“Back,” I say.
“What’s going on?” the man on the other end of the line says. It’s Antonio, one of the organization’s contacts for the jobs. I guess he has a job for me, which comes at a really inconvenient time.
“Oh, nothing, just some personal business,” I say.
I can hear Vanessa screaming in the background, as well as Paige, so I guess Antonio can hear them, too.
“Sounds like murder business,” he muses, chuckling a little.
“You could say that again.” I clear my throat. I have to cut this conversation off because I’m not going to discuss my personal vendettas with him. “What’s up?”
“Yeah, I got this job for you that I really need you to fulfill,” he says. “I already sent you the details.”
“Well, I’m sure you could tell that I’m very busy right now.”
“Yeah, but see, that’s the problem. You should not be busy right now.”
“That’s not your call, dude,” I say, tapping my foot on the floor.
“Except it is. Or did you forget who got you out of jail?”
My lip starts to twitch and I have the urge to punch holes into the wall in front of me. “As I recall, I was the one who dug out the hole, not any of you shitheads.”
“Keep talking like that, Nix, and you might end up as the next hit.”
“Be my fucking guest,” I say. “I know you won’t fucking do it because you don’t have the fucking balls. You know as well as I do that you need me.” I’m breathing like a fucking bull now; that’s how angry I am. “And in case you forgot, I was the one who looked after DeLuca. Not you. Me.”
“The boss paid the guards to get you the freedom you needed to dig that hole in the first place. You owe us.”
“You weren’t the one standing in the shitty rain digging up some shitty earth, you hear me?” I yell into the phone.
“Calm your fucking tits, dude. I’m only relaying a message.”
“Well, tell your boss that I don’t owe you anything,” I spit.
“All right. We’ll get someone else to do the job. But I’m warning you, Nix. You’re not going to like it when the boss finds out you’re being stubborn.”
“I don’t give two shits. He wouldn’t fucking hurt me. DeLuca won’t let him,” I say.
“I don’t know, Nix. The boss never listens to anyone but himself.”
“I don’t care. I have other things on my mind right now that are far more important than some job.”
“You don’t want the money?” he asks. “You just got out of jail, Nix. You need something.”
I sigh. “Like I said … I don’t need anyone or anything right now. I just wanna be left alone.”
“So, you don’t want to work for us anymore? Because you know what happens if you don’t …”
“I said not now! I didn’t say never,” I say.
“Then when will you be able to resume work?”
“Soon,” I say. “I’ll contact you.”
“Fine. But I gotta warn you, Nix, the boss isn’t going to like this.”
“Too bad. And don’t call this number again until I call you first. It’s way too risky.”
I turn off the phone and tuck it back into my pocket, taking a deep breath. That goddamn phone … I knew I should’ve gotten a brand new one. They sent this old one to me after I got out of jail. It was DeLuca who picked up the goods in a PO box. No wonder. Son of a bitch.
Well, no matter. They know what I’m doing now. I know Antonio could hear the screams, so the organization should know I shouldn’t be disturbed right now. Which means I’ll have plenty of time to toy with my princess.
But first … I need to go pick up something special. Something that will make this playtime even better.
***
VANESSA
Thirty minutes later
The pain is unbearable, and the fact that I don’t know how long it’ll last only makes it harder. I scream because my body commands me too, not because I believe it’ll end my suffering any sooner. Pain shoots through my veins when I think of why I’m here. This is my own doing. My punishment for trying to persuade him to give me what I want.
It’s how I’ve always been, how my mother made me. Someone who manipulates others into doing what they want. But Phoenix doesn’t fall for it … he never did. He always sees through the lies, which makes it all the more bittersweet.
He knows me too well.
This pain is my own fault.
I thought I could beat him at his own game.
My lifestyle comes with a price, and I’m paying for it in full now.
If only I had made a different choice.
***
Age 17
Phillip and I walk hand in hand as he shows me around his house. It’s huge, and I can’t believe I might live here one day. His parents say he’ll earn it once he’s head of the business his father owns. They don’t like maintaining the mansion, so to them this is the perfect solution. To me it’s like a dream come true.
“This is the foyer,” Philip says, as I walk through.
“Wow … it’s amazing,” I say.
Everything I touch feels velvety, and everything within eyesight looks expensive. From the corner of my eye, I spot Arthur reading a book while sitting in a chair, observing us closely. Well, mostly me. His constant glare makes me blush, so I turn my head away and look at Phillip.
“Why’s your brother looking at me like that?” I whisper.
He leans in. “Well, he’s kind of jealous that I have you.”
The smile on Phillip’s face makes me turn even redder. “Why? I mean, he looks like the kind of guy who could get any girl he wants.”
“Hmm … if you say so,” Phillip muses. “My brother just likes things he can’t have.”
“Like me?” I ask.
“Anything I have. You. The company. My life.” Phillip smiles at his brother, which makes him lower his eyes and dive back into his book. “Arthur’s always been hunting after whatever my parents give me.”
“Okay … no wonder.”
“But he’s not going to get it.”
I swallow. “What do you mean?”
Phillip narrows his eyes. “My father’s business is mine. I will take over as CEO after I graduate school, learn to direct a movie, and make my family proud. I’m everything they want in a son. Arthur … well, let’s just say that he always comes second.”
“Of course, he’d be jealous,” I say. “You have everything he wants. What anyone would want.”
“Exactly, which is why I intend to keep him as far away as possible.” The darkness in his voice gives me the creeps. Something tells me that they don’t really get along. There’s a lot of rivalry going on, I can tell. And yet, I can’t help but wonder if there’s more to Arthur than what Phillip tells me. There is always more to a story than just one side.
Phillip places his hand in the small of my back and directs me away from the foyer before I get the chance to ask more questions. He escorts me to the kitchen where his mother is pouring drinks for the guests outside. They’re hosting a party for a lot of people, to which my family was also invited. My parents thought it was a perfect way for Phillip and me to connect a little.
“Oh, Vanessa,” his mother says when she turns her head. “I didn’t see you there.”
“Sorry, ma’am,” I say. “Phillip was just showing me around your beautiful home.”
“Thank you, dear. You look lovely in that dress,” she says.
She fishes in her pocket and takes out some sort of small vial, opens the cap, and pours the contents into one of the drinks.
“What is that?” I mumble to Phillip.
“You’ll find out soon enough,” he says.
A smile appears on his mother’s face as she picks up the tray and walks over to us.
“My dear, would you be so kind as to hand these out to the guests outside?”
“Of course,” I say.
“Sorry to ask; it’s just that we’re so busy here.”
“No, it’s fine,” I say, as I take the tray.
“Oh, and can you make sure that this glass is served to the lady in the bourgeois dress, the one with the fur collar.” She points at the specific glass that had the extra contents poured in.
I nod, frowning, confused as to what the idea is.
“Let’s go,” Phillip says, guiding me outside again. “We don’t want to keep our guests waiting.”
Before I know it, I’m outside on the porch, walking toward the table where the woman in the bourgeois dress is sitting. The closer I get, the more I seem to recognize her. She reminds me of one of those women my father had a debate with on national television, where they both strive for the same position. Only when I’m next to her do I realize that it is really her.
The woman looks up at me. My lips part, but the air seems to be stuck in my throat. I turn my head to glance at Phillip, who’s standing near the door with his hands in his pockets, watching me intently. From the look in his eyes, I can tell that he’s challenging me … telling me to make a decision.
This is it. This is what it’s coming down to. The evil that surrounds me has forced me into a position where I must choose between right and wrong.
My mother once warned me about this. She told me there would always come a moment when I had to make a choice. One or the other, the choice is easily made, but the consequences are unbearable. Family and fortune or loneliness and poverty. If I don’t do this, I’ll lose my family, my current life, and they’ll probably kill Miles. If I do it, it means I get to keep everything but lose my innocence. My virtue.
What follows is inevitable.
Someone will die. Miles or this woman. Me or my family. What do I choose?
One life for the other.
When I turn back to face the woman, she says, “Finally, our drinks have arrived.”
My fingers hover close to two glasses, trembling with fear as I must make the ultimate choice. I tell myself I can do it. I can’t. I can do it. I can’t.
And then the choice is made for me.
The woman picks up the glass. I hold my breath as my eyes skid from the glass on the tray to the one in her hand. She brings it to her lips, and for a moment, my heart stops beating. Make a choice. Make a choice, Vanessa. Do it!
Then she takes a sip.
Seconds feel like minutes as I spin on my heel in horror, walking away from the crime scene that everyone’s about to witness. Soon, I can already hear her choking. It doesn’t take long for the glass to drop from her hand and for the crowd to begin screaming.
I made my choice.
I chose myself, my love, and my needs over someone else’s.
Now I’m just as evil as my mother is.
I can’t look back and watch, but my mother suddenly grabs my arm and turns me around, forcing me to witness my own undoing.
“Well done, dear,” she whispers. She sounds so happy, even though all the bones in my body are shaking with the terror of what I just did.
“Don’t say that,” I murmur, feeling guilty already.
“Why not? See that? That’s power.” There’s an unmistakable grin on her face.
“It’s murder,” I murmur.
She tightens her grip. “Like they say in the comics, with great responsibility comes sacrifice.”
“It’s not responsibility if people have to die for us to gain wealth.”
“She was threatening your father’s position. Now she’s no longer a problem. Be glad,” she says.
I jerk my arm free. “And yet you made me do it. I know it was your idea. Do the Starr’s even know what they’re getting involved with?”
She narrows her eyes. “Of course, they do. Why else would we be friends with them?” The way she says it, like it’s the most normal thing in the world, has me baffled.
She puts her arm around me and guides me back inside the house as chaos outside ensues. “That’s why it’s so important for you and Phillip to stay together. So our family will grow, and you’ll get everything you want.”
“No, so you get everything you want. What do I get? A guy who doesn’t even like me and acts just as horrible as you do.”
“Vanessa.” She purses her lips. “One more word and I’ll have you on house arrest for the entire month.”
“What?” I gasp. “I can’t believe this.”
“You’d better because I’m quite done with your ungrateful attitude.”
“You just had someone murdered! And I was the one who did it!” I say, a bit too loud.
Some people walking through the hallway briefly glance at us, and my mother glares at them until the room clears. Then she shoves me up the wall.
“Listen to me, you little bitch. You’ll do what I say, when I say it, or you’ll be the next to end up dead on the ground. Do you understand?” Her voice is so gritty, so raw, that I barely recognize my mother.
Who is this woman?
I swallow away the lump in my throat and keep it together, so I don’t show any fear. If she smells it, she’ll attack, just like a wild bear.
“Yes, Mother,” I say with a contained voice.
“Good.” She smiles. “Because I will not have my daughter disobeying me. You will behave properly, do as you’re told, and marry Phillip, so we can unite our families and acquire even greater power. You might not see it now, but this is what you want. What everyone wants … regardless of your personal wishes. You’ll see it in time.”
“I understand, Mother.”
She releases me and then starts patting down my dress, tucking my hair behind my ears as if nothing happened. As if she actually cares about me more than just keeping up appearances.
Of course, not. It’s all for show, even her love.
The only way she’ll ever be truly happy with me is if I become her.
I hate her. I hate her with all my guts. And yet, she is and will always be my mother. I want to love her, I so desperately do, which is why I have to do as she says. Why I made the wrong decision. Why I’ll become as fake as she is.
Everybody needs love.
Even if it’s the wretched, poisonous kind.
And I’ll do anything in my power to be worthy of hers.
Because I am worth it.
I am more than what she says I am … and I’ll never give up proving it.
***
Present
Turns out, I’m not so different from my mother … or what she said I am.
I’m a coward who can’t even face the consequences of my actions. Instead, I shiver in pain from the cold freezing my body. My lips are sealed shut, too cracked and sore to open. All because I’m too afraid to bleed, to lose myself to the pain, to lose myself to Phoenix and his demands.
Am I really unable to give up power in exchange for my life? Or will I fight until the very end? Even I don’t know the answer to this question. At the moment, my world is unraveling like a string untying from its own knot. Two different worlds are colliding, my past and my present, and I’m stuck in the middle, unable to make a choice.
My parents taught me to fight, to never give up, and to give my life if I had to. All for the promise of power. For self-worth, I learned to sacrifice my own wishes and those of others. But what does it all mean if I’m dead?
I don’t want to die. Not yet. I wanted to do so many things in my life. So many things I never got to do because of obligations and demands from others. And now … it could all come to an end.
If Phoenix gets angrier with me, it means I’ll never be able to see my own dreams fulfilled. After what I’ve done, I deserve his anger, but I don’t deserve this pain. I don’t deserve death.
Maybe according to him, but not according to me.
But I’m losing the will to oppose and try to outsmart him. Maybe fighting him isn’t my best option. Maybe I should just give in and let him win. In the end, it’ll only make it easier … to betray him when he least expects it.
If he thinks he’s won, if he thinks I’m broken, then either he’ll kill me … or he’ll stop trying to attack me. What other choice do I have? I’m going to die anyway, might as well try to break free.
The only way to do that is to get him to trust me. To make him feel like he owns me. And then, when he least expects it, I’ll stab him in the back and run for my life.
