Age 19, weeks after prom
From behind a tree, I watch Vanessa walk up the platform to the graduation ceremony. She looks so happy with a bright smile on her face and her blue gown on. She holds the cap on her head so the strong wind doesn’t blow it off as she takes the stand. I hope that with every step she takes, she feels the burden of what she’s done pull her down.
I never got a chance to succeed, let alone try.
My fingers tighten around the band of my bag slung over my shoulder. One day … I’ll show her that she should’ve been more careful who to become enemies with.
With my head held down, I sneak off the premises and to the parking lot where my buddies are waiting. After I’d been kicked out of school, my only friends invited me to join their gang. At first, I was skeptical, but when I saw how much money they made, my eyes had dollar signs in them. I mean, it’s not kosher work, as we’re selling drugs on the street, but who gives a shit. I just want to make money.
“Hey,” they say when they see me.
“Yo, I’m ready.”
“You sure? I saw you watching that chick over there,” one of them says, nodding at the ceremony.
I shake my head. “Nah, I just wanted to see how many potential customers are in the bleachers.”
He smiles. “Sure …”
I’m getting the feeling that he doesn’t really believe me. I was never a good liar to begin with. Too bad Vanessa didn’t show me the tricks of the trade.
“Whatever; let’s just go wait in our usual spot. You,” he points at one of them, “Stay outside and talk to the people. Get them interested.”
“Gotcha,” he says.
We all walk to our corner where we’re at most of the times when we’re selling. We don’t want to do it out in the open and risk being caught, but we have to make sure people can find us, too. It’s the only way to make money … and money makes the world go round.
One way or another, I’m going to have to survive. If I can’t do it by studying and getting a good job, I’ll just do the filthy work instead. There’s much more money to make here anyway.
My foster parents don’t approve, but I don’t give a shit about them anymore. They never wanted me to begin with, always talking shit to be about how they think I’m a mess-up. I’m done with people telling me how I should be. I’m old enough to leave the house, so I’ve started sleeping at my bud’s place.
When graduation is over, some students had already found their way to the parking lot, probably in for a night of celebration with a good smoke. I eagerly sell them my shit, happy to provide, until I spot a familiar face walking near the alley.
My lips part as she stares at me in shock, both completely frozen in place.
One of my partners clears his throat. “Hey, isn’t that—”
“Vanessa?” I say.
Her shocked face quickly turns into a full-out scowl. “Miles? What are you doing?”
For a moment, I contemplate how to explain this to her, but then I remember … that bitch screwed me over, big time.
My nose begins to twitch, and I push the drugs into my bud’s hand. “Wait here.” I walk toward her. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
Frowning, she looks up at me, not even a little bit scared of how much bigger I am than her or how badly I could hurt her … how much I want to.
“Is that what I think it is?” she says, looking at my bud.
“It’s none of your fucking business.”
“Yeah, it is,” she says. “I don’t want you doing stupid things.”
“You make me do stupid things, Vanessa. Because of you, I had to drop out.”
She shakes her head. “You have it all wrong.”
“No, this?” I say, looking back at my buds. “This is on you.”
I hear footsteps behind me but ignore them because I’m too busy with her.
“I didn’t make you sell drugs, Miles. That’s your choice.”
“No, you made the choice for me. And what the hell are you doing here anyway if you’re not interested in buying?”
“I saw you when I walked on the stage.”
I swallow, blinking a couple of times. Shit. She saw me. “So?”
“I know you were watching me, Miles. I know you still care.”
I muffle a laugh. “I don’t give a shit about you anymore.”
“That’s not true, and I care about you, too. We have to talk.”
“No, we don’t.”
I attempt to turn around, but she jerks my arm. “We’re not finished yet.”
“Oh, yes we are. We were finished the moment you ran back into that bastard’s arms.”
She leans back as I stare deep into her eyes. “You mean Phillip?”
“Who else? That son of a bitch doesn’t give two shits about you, and you chose him over me. And now you’re here to do what? Say you’re sorry? Ask for forgiveness? You won’t find either here, Princess. I’m done wasting my time.”
“It’s not what it looks like,” she says. “Please, give me a chance to explain it all.”
“You had your chance,” I growl. “You wasted it. No second chances.”
Tears well up in her eyes, but she whisks them away with her finger. “I’m sorry, Miles. I didn’t want it to turn out this way.”
“Yeah, well you should have thought of that before you lied to the fucking principal’s face!” I yell.
“I had to. I had no other choice,” she murmurs.
I shake my head. “Whatever. I’m done with this shit. Go back to your family and leave me alone.”
When I turn around, the entire gang has surrounded us. “What’s she doing here?” one of them asks. “Is she a customer or not?”
“No,” she sneers. “Like I would ever use drugs.”
He laughs. “Oh, I’m sorry, Miss Know-it-all. Are they too low for your standards?”
“Stop,” I say. “Leave her alone.”
“No, I wanna know what she’s doing here,” another one says.
They’re all ganging up on her, and I don’t like where this is headed. With her smartass behavior and my connection to her, these guys surely want a piece of her. Especially when she’s so condescending about our business.
Another one steps forward. “Yeah, missy? What the hell are you doing here? Spying on our business?”
I grab her arm and look at her. “Just go,” I say.
She nods, her lips trembling, but the moment she turns around another one of them blocks her way.
“Going so quickly now? You still haven’t answered our questions.”
“I’m not interested,” she shouts.
“Let her go,” I say. “She has nothing, and she won’t rat on us.”
“How do you know? She’s done it before … to you, if I remember correctly,” my bud muses.
I frown. “So? What are you going to do? Hold her hostage?”
“That sounds like a plan.” One of them chuckles.
“You can’t be serious,” I growl.
One of them grabs her arm, but she jerks herself loose. “Don’t touch me.”
“Oh.” The guys begin to laugh. “Touchy now, are we?”
“Get your hands off her!” I say, pushing him away.
This causes them to turn their attention toward me, and one of them shoves me so hard I land on the asphalt. Fuck, now they’ve really done it.
As I get up, one of them already has his hands on her waist, pulling her with him into the alley. “Get the fuck away from her!” I yell, going after them.
“Miles!” she screams, as one of them covers her mouth.
“We can’t trust you, missy … maybe we have to make you fear us some more.” The guy has his other hand on her tit as she tries to fight them off. I’m rushing toward her, shoving the others away as they all gang up on her, probably intending to do much, much worse.
“Touch her and you die!” I scream when I reach the dude who’s holding her captive.
“Too late, dude. I’m having a piece of this ass now. You had your chance; now it’s our turn.”
She screams as I punch the guy in the face. He lets her go, which makes her stumble onto the ground.
“Run!” I yell, fighting him with bare hands.
Her feet take her away, but when she’s almost near the end of the alley, she stops and looks back.
“Don’t look, just go!” I scream, punching the guy in the gut.
The others now jump on me, too, and it’s become a fight like no other. I’m facing at least six guys who all want a piece of me because I stole their prize.
“I was going to fuck her, but now I’ll fuck you up instead,” one of them growls.
“Take your best shot,” I say, kicking one in the balls.
“Miles!” Vanessa yells, still looking at me from afar.
Why is she not running? What is she waiting for?
“Miles, stop!” she yells.
For a moment, I’m baffled that she even cares. After what they tried to do to her, she still doesn’t want me to beat the living shit out of them. I don’t understand. It’s like this little girl I remember from a long time ago still telling me not to hurt someone because there are other ways to deal with this shit … except this little girl is all grown up and her choices now don’t make any sense compared to how she used to be.
The sudden distraction gives them a chance to hit me in the face so hard that I’m knocked to the ground.
“Miles! Get up!” Her scream goes through marrow and bone, but somehow it gives me the energy I need to get up and fight again.
I scramble to my feet and knock the next guy out cold with one blow to the temple.
Then I turn toward Vanessa and scream, “Get out of here!”
Her eyes fill with fear, and she shakes her head. Then she says, “Not without you.”
I frown, confused. Does she really still care about me? Why else would she say something like that and refuse to leave? I don’t understand her.
I hate her for what she did, but I don’t want her to get hurt either. Deep down in my heart I know she won’t leave. She won’t abandon me because she never has. It’s her way of fighting. The only way she knows, apart from lying.
But I have to do what I have to do to keep her safe.
“Get the fuck away from here before I fucking punch you, too!” I scream as loud as I can.
This makes her stumble backward, turn around, and run like hell … as she should because I’m always bad news.
With four guys left, I’m trying to fight them off, but the more they hit me, the more strength I lose, and soon I’m gasping for air, throwing punches out wherever I can in order to survive. I know I won’t get away with this easily. They’re tough guys, ones who take it serious when you pick a fight. Like now, one of them pulls a knife on me and tries to stab me in the stomach.
“You want a piece of this, huh?” he yells, slicing through the air.
“I’m gonna fucking kill you!” I scream.
“Can’t handle that I touched your girl, huh?”
“She’s not my girl, but she’s not yours, either,” I growl, sidestepping his attacks.
Another one jumps on my back, and I spin around on my feet to throw him off.
Suddenly, I hear car tires screeching behind me, and we all look up to see what’s going on. A car races toward the alley, and for a second, I think it’s going to ram straight into it, but then it makes a sharp turn.
Avoiding punches, I look up to see the driver’s window rolling down. Someone yells, “Get down!”
I do what he says.
Loud shots fly around, bullets cascading off the walls and ground. My body shakes as I expect them to hit me too, but they don’t. Instead, all the other guys drop to the ground like flies.
When the bullets stop raining down on us, I look up and see a guy with shades and a silencer gun staring me down.
“You okay?” he asks.
He’s not much older than me, but damn, that X-shaped scar on his face makes me hesitant to even get off the ground.
“Hello? Am I talking to the wall?” he growls.
“No, I’m okay,” I say.
“Great.” He puts his gun down.
“Who are you?” I ask as I get up from the ground all beaten and bruised.
“C’mere and I’ll tell you.” He cocks his head, and I feel like this is some sort of dare.
I don’t have to think twice about this. The guy shot my attackers, my supposed friends, and now I have nothing left except a couple of dead people surrounding me, while I’m the only one alive. This is bound to raise some questions.
However, I’m more interested in that guy with the scar.
“Did you kill them all?”
“Yeah, except you, obviously,” he muses.
“Thanks, I guess. Why, actually?”
“They were beating you up, weren’t they?”
“Yeah …”
“And now they’re not.” There’s a slight smile on his face. Fuck, I already like this guy.
I walk closer and hold out my hand as he peers out the window. “Miles.”
“Name’s X.”
“What X?” I laugh. “As in just X?”
“Just X, but sometimes people call me Mr. X. Whatever you want.”
“Cool.” I nod, almost unable to believe what I’m witnessing. Some guy in a tux just shot down all my friends, and I’m not even mad. This is amazing.
“You were fighting them alone, weren’t you?” he says.
“Yeah, they tried to hurt …” I shut myself up before I say too much.
“I don’t need to know why; I just want to know if you were alone.”
“Yeah.”
“Hmm …” He moves his head, and even with his shades, I can tell he’s checking me out. But for what purpose?
“You seem fit. Great strength. Where did you learn to fight like that?” he asks.
“Uh … I don’t know. Self-taught, I guess.”
“Interesting …” He nods as if I’m some sort of science project. I wonder what the fuck he wants from me.
“So, uh, now that you shot my friends, I really don’t know what the fuck to do with this. They’re dead. I don’t want to get pinned down for murder. Any advice?”
He smiles and rubs his hand over his bald head. “You’re a smart kid. I like your attitude. Well, for starters, they were a bunch of druggies anyway. Not worth the space they used on this earth.”
“Okay …” I frown, not sure where he’s going with this.
“Second, were they your only friends?”
“Yeah,” I answer.
“Do you have any family? Relatives?”
“Only my foster parents. Why do you ask?”
“Perfect.”
He turns and presses a button. The door of his car unlocks. “Get in.”
“What?” I say, muffling a laugh. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“I don’t do jokes. Get in the car.”
“Why? I don’t know you, dude.”
“Doesn’t matter. Do you want to live a good life or die in jail?”
“Like the answer to that isn’t obvious.”
“Then get in the fucking car,” he says, tapping his fingers on the side of his car.
“No, not until you tell me why.”
“Listen up, dude,” he says, leaning out of his car to grab my shirt. “I don’t have time for bullshit. I just killed the only people you’re involved with, which means the cops will either go after you, or no one, if you come with me. You wanna stay a druggie? Fine, but do it in jail.”
“I’m not a druggie, and I don’t want to be,” I say.
He sighs. “You wanna make money?”
“Yeah.”
“You wanna do whatever the fuck you want?”
“Of course!”
“Then get in the fucking car.” He cocks his head. “Make yourself useful.”
I narrow my eyes. “Are you telling me that I can go with you, as in, become part of whatever it is that you’re doing?”
“That depends … on whether you can fucking listen or not.”
I smile, nodding. “Cool.”
“It’s not cool. It’s called killing for a living, or in other words, being a fucking assassin without a name. There’s nothing cool about this job, dude, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt because you’re eager.” He releases my shirt. “If you come with me, I’ll show you how to beat any motherfucker with your bare hands.”
I take a deep breath. I don’t trust this dude, but what else do I have to lose? Nothing, I’ve already lost everything. Might as well give up my life and join the dark side, whatever the fuck that means.
I’d rather be something than nothing at all.
“Sign me up,” I say, and I walk to the other door and get in.
His car smells of alcohol and burned skin, but I’d rather be in here than out there with all those dead bodies. I wouldn’t know what to tell the cops if they came looking, and they wouldn’t believe me, even if I did tell them everything.
Mr. X puts the car in drive, and then he turns his head toward me and lowers his shades. He reveals one fake, metallic eye embedded in his socket, right underneath the scar. Wicked.
“Buckle up,” he says, with a huge grin on his face.
I guess this is either the beginning of a new life for me or the beginning of the end. Either way, I’m cool.
***
Present
I’ve been defeated.
Not physically. Not mentally.
Emotionally.
I thought I could push the desire to be close to her away, but it’s nagging at my heart so much that I have to listen. I can’t not hold her tight, telling myself that she’s unharmed; that’s she’s still mine and only mine.
Even though that son of a bitch tried to lay a hand on her, I made sure that he wouldn’t ever come close to her again. I don’t know what happened, but the moment I heard them fight upstairs and I came up and saw him … something just clicked in my brain. I lost it. I lost myself to the rage, and I don’t regret a fucking thing.
She’s mine. Mine. And I’ll do anything to keep it that way.
Fuck, it’s been a long time since I held her like this, and I can’t fucking understand why I care so much after everything she did to ruin me. Still, I can’t stop wanting to calm her. I can feel her heart beating against my chest, her breathing warm and rapid, putting all my senses on high alert. The way she latches onto me with her fingers curling around my shoulders settles the fury inside me a little, but not much. I still feel pumped, on edge, as if something could come in at any time and swoop her away from me.
I can’t fucking allow it, so I pull her even closer, smothering her with my need to have her all to myself. I’ve never felt like this before, but honestly, it feels good. I don’t give a damn about the voices in my head telling me that I should be punishing her instead.
For some reason, just a tiny piece of me believes she’s been punished enough.
Then again, remembering just how evil she’s become makes my blood boil again.
I should hate her.
I should despise her.
And yet, when I look at her, I feel more than just loathing.
I’m so fucking confused, and I hate it. I don’t know what to do with these emotions … ones I’ve never had before. They’re conflicting, and so am I. I have no fucking clue what to do with myself or with this situation, so I opt for doing nothing at all. At least for the next couple of minutes. Holding her is enough.
“Phoenix …” she suddenly mumbles.
I look down at her face, which is scraped and bruised, but her warm smile jolts my heart a little. “Yes?”
“Why do you call yourself that?”
I frown. “Why do you wanna know?”
She shrugs. “Just because. I only know you as Miles.”
I make a face. “I hate that name.”
“Why?”
I turn my head away. “It’s weakness.”
“Well, I like it. It’s how I remember you being … back when …” She sighs.
“Back when what?” I ask, tilting her head up, so she’ll look me straight in the eyes. I want her to be honest for once. “Tell me what you’re really thinking.”
“Back when we weren’t liars and didn’t betray the ones we loved.” She averts her eyes.
“Hey, look at me,” I say. She does, and her eyes are like sparkling diamonds, grasping my full attention. “Let’s make a promise. No more lies. No more betrayal.”
She smiles, chuckling a bit. “Oh, Phoenix. You know it’s too late.”
“It’s never too late,” I say. “Not now that you’re mine forever.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t intend to just kill you now that you’re my pet.” I caress her cheek. “You’re mine now. Finally. It would really be a waste to get rid of it all when this is what I wanted all along.”
She laughs. “You know, there’s something incredibly romantic behind that crude, malicious prospect.”
My lip quirks up into a smile. “I know, but you and I both know we wouldn’t settle for anything less than totally offensive.”
She nods with a raised eyebrow. “True.”
I grab a strand of her curly blond hair, which is quickly turning brown again, and tuck it behind her ear. Tears smudge her face, but she is still as beautiful as ever, no matter what happens to her. Her strength never fades, even through the toughest of moments. I could even go as far as to say that she’s stronger than I am because after everything I’ve done to her in this house, she’s still curling up in my arms and welcoming my warmth.
It’s incredible.
My heart is beating again.
My veins are pulsing with a fire I’ve not felt in years; sweat drips down my back.
I’m feeling a different kind of emotion, one I haven’t felt in a long time … And it terrifies the living shit out of me. Not because I don’t want to feel it, but because I don’t know what to do with it.
After everything we’ve done to each other, there’s no going back. There’s no innocence here. No love. Only pain and blood. So how could I ever call whatever it is that I’m feeling good? It’s wrong. Just wrong.
I can’t love her.
I just can’t.
Except, no matter how much I think about it, I always come back to the same conclusion.
I want her. I need her. I can’t live without her.
When she’s lying here tucked away in my arms, still shivering from what just happened, probably repeating the memory of him wanting to shove his cock up her pussy in her head … it all makes me want to help her instead of being her number one enemy.
I can’t even hurt her. Not like this … not at all. I can’t bring myself to kill her, no matter how much my brain is telling me that I should.
I should hate her. I should kill her and get it over with, but I know that when I do, there will be no turning back. Time does not move backward. Once she’s dead, that’s the end of everything.
And maybe, deep down, I don’t want it to end.
I never wanted it to end.
She did.
I grip her chin and force her to look up at me. “Tell me why. Why did you betray me that day after prom? I need to know.”
“What? Why now?”
I tighten my grip on her jaw. “Tell me!”
“All right,” she mutters. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry won’t help you. I need an answer now.” I shake her. “Why, after everything we’ve been through, after I fought for you, after you told me that you loved me, did you choose him over me?”
“I didn’t. I never wanted to. What I said was true; I loved you. I always did.” She winces, and then it comes pouring out of her. “I didn’t choose him over you. It wasn’t my choice … it was my mother’s. She forced me to lie.”
“How? Lying is your own choice,” I growl.
She takes a deep breath, preparing for the words that’ll destroy everything I knew and believed. “She threatened to kill you, Miles. I gave you up to save you.”
