“Goddamn, I’m a sexy motherfucker.” Wilder stands in front of the mirror, smug as shit, sliding his palms down his tux coat.
Magnolia stands next to him with her arms crossed and rolls her eyes, but I see a hint of a smile at his obnoxious antics.
Landen snorts as our idiot brother struts around the store like he’s hot shit. Meanwhile, I’m dreading my turn.
I’m happy for my sister and Fisher, but watching them plan their wedding brings back unwanted memories of Billy from high school. We’d joke about growing old as best friends and being each other’s best men when we finally settled down. I can’t even imagine going through another major milestone without him. I already had to graduate high school without him by my side, and celebrating that felt like a knife to the gut.
Knowing it’ll never be possible to share these types of special moments with him as I get older has my chest tightening in what I know is an oncoming anxiety attack. I focus on my breathing so my heart slows down.
“Tripp, hello?” Landen kicks my boot with his. “You’re up.”
I blink up at him as if he’d been calling my name and see Magnolia studying me with concern.
“Doing okay?” she asks.
I shake my head, set my hands on my knees, and stand. “Great. Where do I go?”
“Shannon’s waitin’ for ya in the back. She’ll take your measurements and grab you some options,” Magnolia explains.
“And she’s a fuckin’ fox.” Wilder comes over and nudges me. “I already got her number, though, so don’t even think about askin’ her.”
My eyes dart to Magnolia and she flinches at his words. And to fuck up my life even more, she looks even more gorgeous than usual.
Her long brown hair is pulled back into a braid that wraps around her shoulder, with loose hair pieces framing her face. She looks goddamn adorable. A forbidden temptation I’ve spent years keeping my distance from.
“Thanks for the heads-up,” I murmur to Wilder, then follow Magnolia to the back.
“Hey, you alright?” she asks when we fall into step.
“Yeah, why?”
“You just seem like something’s on your mind. You dazed out back there.”
I shrug dismissively. “I’m fine. Just thinkin’ of all the work shit I gotta do later.”
“Oh really? Landen said y’all finished for the day.”
My shoulders are tense as I silently curse how much she talks to Landen. They’ve become close friends over the past couple of years, and I swear they gossip more than she and Noah.
But I don’t want to lie to her, so I need out of this conversation as soon as possible.
“I promised my dad I’d help him with some maintenance at the retreat cabins.”
Technically, it’s not a lie, but it’s not the truth either. Dad asked me to stop by after dinner to discuss some tasks we needed to focus on this weekend, and I know one of them is about the cabins.
“Noah told me he couldn’t come today because he has a meetin’ this afternoon.”
The hint of suspicion in her voice has my throat going dry. If she wasn’t so perceptive of how I was acting differently, she would’ve never asked me if I was okay, and I wouldn’t be scrambling to get my foot out of my mouth.
I force out a cough. “Yeah, he does. We talked about the tasks he wanted me to do earlier.”
“Oh, okay. Well, this shouldn’t take too much longer.”
When our eyes meet, the corner of her lips pulls up into a sweet smile reserved just for me.
I almost give her one back.
Shannon greets me in one of the back rooms and explains what to do. I zone out while she takes my measurements, then leaves to grab a tux and shoes in my size. The minutes pass, and my heart beats harder. Blood rushes to my ears. My fingers twitch as I sit and my leg shakes up and down, desperate for this to be over.
“Alright, here we go.” Shannon walks back into the dressing room with a handful of hangers. At least ten random items are displayed as she explains what Noah and Fisher picked out for us. “If you need help with anything, please holler. I’ll have you do the squat and bend test when I’m back.”
“The what now?”
“Gotta make sure the pants aren’t too tight when you sit or bend over. Fitted suits can be a little snug, and you wanna make sure nothin’ rips or gets…pinched.”
“Excuse me?”
She giggles at my horrified expression. “I’ll also bring some underwear options. Silk boxers are usually preferred, but if you prefer briefs…”
“Noah specified our underwear?”
It’s bad enough her wedding colors are olive green, copper, and peach. We’re gonna look like a Thanksgiving floral bouquet.
“No, but it’s one thing men don’t think about, and then they end up uncomfortable. So I mention it during the fitting. Wilder opted to go commando.” She giggles, and a blush covers her cheeks. “I told him that wasn’t recommended but…”
I shake my head. “Yeah, not surprised. I’ll do the silk pair if that’s what you suggest.”
“Great. Just come out when you’re done.”
Once the door closes, I look at all the items spread out. Suspenders? And a bowtie?
God.
But I love my annoying little sister, so I push down the anxiety and get dressed. As soon as I get the black slacks and white button-up situated, I start to sweat, and my body overheats. The last time I wore something this fancy was for senior prom. Billy and I thought we’d look like top shit in matching suits, black cowboy boots, and Stetsons. We drove into the school parking lot in my truck with the music cranked, a six-pack hidden in the back seat that we stole from the twins for the after-party and walked through the doors like badass motherfuckers.
We took a million photos that night. Laughed nonstop. Danced like morons to every fast song. And made enough memories to last a lifetime.
Well…a lifetime that was cut way too damn short.
This shirt’s itchy and way too tight it’s nearly cutting off my air circulation. Yanking at the collar, I attempt to loosen it, but my shaking hands make it impossible to grasp the button properly and loosen it.
“Fuckin’ piece of shit,” I mutter, staring in the mirror and lifting my chin. The material digs into my skin, and my breaths come out short and fast.
“Tripp? Doin’ okay in there?” Shannon asks from the other side.
No, I’m not okay. I need out of this goddamn shirt.
Finally, I manage to get the top one undone, but I’m too impatient to do the rest. With two hands, I yank down the middle and pop the buttons off with one hard pull. They fly across the room, hitting the wall and floor with a clatter. It does nothing to alleviate the anxiousness consuming me in the stark white room.
“Tripp?” Shannon’s knocking grabs my attention, but when I open my mouth, nothing comes out.
Fuck. It’s been a while since I’ve had one this bad.
I kneel next to the wall and tilt my head back, then I close my eyes and count.
One, two, three, four, five…Billy, breathe!
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten…Exhale.
I picture my hands on Billy’s chest as I performed CPR, begging his heart to beat. Begging him to breathe. If I’d gotten there faster and not stopped at Miller’s first, I would’ve found him sooner. He wouldn’t have gone so long without oxygen and had a fighting chance. Those missed minutes could’ve saved my best friend’s life. Or hell, maybe if I’d just told him I was coming instead of arguing, he wouldn’t have gotten behind the wheel at all.
So many fucking regrets.
More knocking echoes throughout the room, but I can’t move or speak.
I should be focusing on something else to help me get through the anxiety instead of what’s causing it, but sometimes I can’t help it.
“I’m comin’ in.”
This time it’s Magnolia speaking.
Her sweet, sultry voice always puts me in a better mood.
Swallowing hard, I open my eyes and see her crawling under the door.
“Tripp, what happened?” She kneels in front of me and grabs my hand, worry lines forming across her forehead. “You’re shaking.”
“It’ll pass,” I say roughly. “Just need…a minute.”
Her palm flattens against my half-open shirt. “Your heart is racin’. Take some deep breaths and focus on my voice.”
I nod, slowly filling my lungs.
“You’re clammy.” Her hand moves to my cheek before she wraps her fingers around mine. “What do you need? Water? Fresh air?”
A time machine.
Her hand to never leave mine.
A world in which I’m allowed to touch her.
“Tell me a stupid joke or a story,” I murmur.
“For real?”
“Distract me. Say anything.”
“Okay. Um…Old Man Terry stopped by for a coffee this mornin’ and as he was walkin’ away, he dropped something, so when he bent down to grab it, I saw his whole ass. Worse than plumber’s crack. Looked like Sasquatch. I nearly threw up my breakfast.”
I cough out a laugh. “Who hasn’t seen his ass at this point? I swear, the man doesn’t own a belt.”
“Or underwear.”
I dig my nails into my palm while focusing on her brown eyes. She’s so close and yet not close enough. “What else ya got?”
“Hold on, lemme think.”
My gaze moves to her lower lip when she bites it.
“To no one’s surprise, Wilder’s out there makin’ a whole ass of himself in front of Shannon. Flirtin’ so damn hard and completely blind to the fact Shannon’s not only uninterested, but she’s dating a woman.”
Now that does make me laugh because that sounds just like him. Oblivious.
“She’s tryin’ to be professional and polite, but I can tell she’s about to tell him the truth and break his poor heart.”
“Poor heart?” I scoff, feeling some relief in my chest, the weight of an elephant releasing. “He’ll forget her name by the time he leaves the parking lot.”
“That’s probably true.” She chuckles and studies me. “You’re startin’ to look better.”
I lean my head back with my eyes closed, embarrassment flooding in that Magnolia is witnessing this. “Thanks for distractin’ me through the worst of it.”
“Happy I could help. Does this happen a lot?” she asks softly.
Little does she know, she’s calmed me several times throughout the years. I’d feel one coming on during a family event or when we’d go out to the bar, and the moment I’d find her, a wave of calmness would surface.
“It hasn’t in a while. Right after Billy…yeah. But stayin’ busy helped. Kinda annoyin’ it still affects me after all these years.”
When she grabs my hand and interlocks our fingers, my eyes whip open.
“Grief doesn’t have a time limit, Tripp. Some days it can feel like it was forever ago and at the same time, like it was only yesterday. Did being here trigger something?”
“Yeah.” Instead of elaborating, I abruptly pull back and get to my feet. I’ve already humiliated myself and now have to ask Shannon to bring me a new shirt. The last thing I should be doing is letting Magnolia get too close.
She stands, adjusting her jeans and top while avoiding my gaze. I can’t even blame her. For so long, I kept her at arm’s length but was always tempted to take that leap. Losing Billy was a level of grief that consumed me for so long. I know I could never survive that type of pain again. Getting involved with Magnolia would be a risk that’d affect everyone. Not just my heart but my sister and how weaved into our lives she is. If I fucked up or she went back to Travis at some point, I’d never be able to escape her.
It’d be worse than losing my best friend because she’d still be around, taunting my broken heart and reminding me of the guilt I already harbored.
But there’s a part of me that thinks the risk could be worth it…
If only I’d be brave enough to take the leap.
