GROWING UP, dinner was nonnegotiable.
No matter what was going on, or who was pissed off at who, or if five minutes before my parents were screaming at each other, the moment dinner was ready, everyone sat at the dining room table with their napkins in their laps. Sometimes the energy would radiate through the room like a storm cloud, but without fail, my mother would serve everyone a plate, we’d pray, and eat. If things were particularly bad, we’d eat in silence, but more often than not, we’d all pretend that nothing was wrong.
This meal feels exactly like that. We’ve barely spoken, and Sebastian and Cooper won’t meet each other’s eyes.
The moment I heard Cooper say my name, my heart stopped. I couldn’t move, even though I knew the polite thing—the decent thing—would have been to flee and pretend I never went downstairs in the first place. Dealing with Penny’s questions would have been preferable to listening to Sebastian argue with his brother about me. I didn’t see anything, but I heard it all. Cooper and Penny walking in on us I could deal with, but hearing Cooper’s true thoughts about me? Or the pain in Sebastian’s voice as he defended me?
I feel nauseous.
Cooper’s right, I don’t deserve that from him. I don’t deserve him, period. And I’ve been too terrified to give in to what Sebastian wants—what I want, in the moments I’m completely honest with myself—that I’ve been holding him hostage, pretending that friends-with-benefits is an acceptable compromise. It might’ve been when this first started, but I know him better now. I’ve been selfish and unwilling to let him go, and damn Cooper for making that so obvious.
I push the pasta around my bowl. Across from me, Penny frowns.
“Okay, why is everyone acting so weird?” she says. “I think we’ve all seen boobs before.”
“I don’t care about that.” I try to muster a smile, but it falls flat. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Did something happen?” she presses. She reaches over and squeezes Cooper’s wrist. “Babe?”
“We’re fine,” Sebastian says quickly. “Tell us about the road trip.”
“Yeah,” I say. “You spent a while at the Grand Canyon, right? That picture you posted on the rock was so pretty.”
“This nice older man who used to come there with his wife took it,” Penny says. “Right, Cooper?”
“Yep,” he says. “They seemed pretty devoted to each other.”
I don’t miss the pointed glance he sends my way. I gulp down my wine without tasting it. I know I should ask another question, keep the conversation going, but my mind is blank. I’m all too aware of Sebastian. His foot is brushing against mine underneath the table, and I can practically feel the warmth radiating from his body. I could reach out and lace our fingers together so easily. The spark of electricity that zips down my spine whenever we’re in each other’s space is impossible to ignore, even with the tension in the room constricting around my heart like a band of iron.
It was so much easier when we were alone. I could pretend that we were dating without dating, but that’s not how it works. Either you commit to all of it, or not at all.
“It was so sweet,” Penny says. “And the Grand Canyon itself is stunning. I know how much you all love the Outer Banks, but it would be a great spot for a family vacation.”
“I want to go sometime,” Sebastian says. “I’ll bet the stars are gorgeous there, right, Mia?”
“Oh, yeah,” I say. “The less light pollution, the better. Lowell Observatory is one of the oldest observatories in the country, I’ve always wanted to tour it.”
Cooper leans back in his chair, wrapping an arm around the top of Penny’s in the process. He looks at me, and I stare right back, resisting the urge to fidget.
“Just curious,” he drawls. “How long were you planning to jerk him around, Mia?”
For a moment, it’s completely silent. Penny looks at her boyfriend with confusion in her blue eyes, and next to me, Sebastian’s grip on his fork tightens. My mouth goes dry; when I try to swallow, I feel like I’m choking.
“Cooper,” Sebastian says eventually, his voice practically crackling with energy. “Stop it.”
“Wait, what are you talking about?” Penny says.
Cooper’s gaze is piercing, but I hold my chin high. “You knew I was there?”
“Figured you caught the end of it.” He takes a deliberate sip of his drink, setting down the glass just hard enough it thuds against the wood. “I’m not going to apologize for protecting my family.”
“You don’t need to fight my fucking battles for me,” Sebastian says.
“You sure about that?” Cooper snorts. “How long were you planning on this lasting? As long as she wanted, right?”
“I told you already to shut the hell up about—”
“He’s right.” I blink past the sudden burning in my eyes. “Stop, Sebastian, he’s right.”
I stand in a rush, my chair scraping against the tile floor. I grit my teeth as I push open the screen door. Someone calls after me, and because of the blood rushing in my ears, I can’t tell who it is. Penny, probably. If I fuck up things for her and Cooper, I won’t be able to forgive myself.
The screen door slams, cutting me off from the rest of them. I hate that I’m running away again, but I need a moment to breathe. To think.
It’s dark, the last traces of sunlight lingering on the horizon. A light breeze makes goosebumps erupt on my arms. I cross them tightly and walk to the tree Tangerine got stuck in, leaning my forehead against the rough bark. It smells faintly of rot. I take a deep, shuddering breath. A tear escapes, running down my cheek. That morning feels so long ago. I wanted to kiss him so badly then, but I held back. I should have stuck with it, but instead I gave in to my own desires, and it all came crashing down.
It’s over.
It’s for the best.
A future with him would break my own future. I made the choice not to compromise that when I was sixteen, after my mother threatened to disown me if I truly decided not to have a marriage and children. I promised myself that if I had to pick between my career and love, I’d always choose my career. A guy like Sebastian—a good guy—deserves more than I can give.
It’s a clear night, the stars just starting to wink into existence. They feel farther away than usual. Distant and cold, the way they appear to most people, instead of friendly. The new moon means the sky is darker, too.
It’s fitting that I don’t have that comfort right now.
I sense Sebastian’s presence before I hear him. He wraps an arm around my waist, squeezing. “There you are.”
I turn into his arms. I should break away, put some distance between us, but I can’t force myself to move. He cups my cheek. His lips brush against mine tenderly.
I don’t deserve tender right now. I manage to ease away, but he stays close. The breeze ruffles through his hair. His presence, usually a comfort, feels oppressive. I can’t focus on anything but his hand, pressing against the bark next to my head, and the clean citrus of his scent.
I dig my teeth into my bottom lip. Even in the near-dark, I see the green of his eyes. They’re a rainforest, lush and layered.
His gaze is too intense. I look at my feet. I didn’t even realize that they were bare until now. Didn’t feel the grass underneath my feet, slightly cool in the chilled spring evening.
“Talk to me,” he murmurs.
I can’t help myself; I find his gaze again. I’ve loved his eyes since the very first moment I saw them, but right now, they’re just bringing me pain. Another tear slips down my cheek as my heart cracks, right down the middle. “I can’t.”
“Sure you can.”
I just shake my head, biting my lip so I don’t sob. I’d rather sink into the ground than betray a weakness that deep. “Your brother is right.”
He scowls; his voice is practically a snarl. “He was being a dick.”
“I’ve been an asshole to you. You’re allowed to be upset about that.”
“Mia—”
“You’ve been too fucking nice to me,” I snap. I take a deep breath, but it doesn’t calm my jackrabbiting heart. “He’s right, I have been stringing you along. Not—not to hurt you. But you’re allowed to be pissed about it.”
“I wanted to do this. If you think you’re forcing me into anything, stop.”
I shake my head. “You know what Izzy told me when she found out I was living here? You try too hard to be nice. To be you—this version of Sebastian that’s endlessly patient and lets his own wants and needs go by the wayside. I’ve taken advantage of that and I hate it. I fucking hate it.”
He runs his hand through his hair, tugging on the ends. “You didn’t take advantage of me.”
“Admit it.”
“It’s not true.”
“Stop lying to yourself for five seconds!” My voice echoes, too loud, but I can’t help myself. I knew from the third hookup the first time around that he wanted more than sex, and I kept pushing it off, and I’m still doing it. He doesn’t deserve it. He deserves a girlfriend who can give him everything, now and in the future, and I can’t become that girl.
“Fine!” He doesn’t yell, exactly, but I hear the pain in his voice, each syllable hammering into my heart. “Yeah, I’m pissed. I’ve tried to be understanding, and to take what you’ve given me, but it’s not what I fucking want. Happy?”
“Ecstatic,” I shoot back.
“But if I’m lying to myself, you are too,” he says. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want more, Mia. Go on. Lie to my fucking face if you’re so determined to push me away. Why did you stand me up? I know it wasn’t because you didn’t want more.”
It’s impossible to lie when I’m gazing into his emerald eyes. I swipe my tongue over my lip, then bite down, wanting the little pinprick of pain. Wishing he was biting it instead. “I did want more.”
“Did I do something to fuck it up?” He presses close enough I can feel the warmth of his body. “Did I hurt you?”
I shake my head, not trusting myself to speak for a moment. “No,” I whisper. “I was… fuck. I was falling for you.”
His shoulders sag. He nearly smiles. My heart leaps traitorously at the sight. “I knew it.”
“It was terrifying.” I try to swallow, but that just makes me want to sob. “It’s still terrifying. I thought maybe if you just moved on, it would be better—for you and for me.”
“I don’t want to move on.” He takes my hand, squeezing my fingers. His touch sends delicious sparks down my spine. I yank my hand away, and he just grabs it again, digging his blunt nails into my palm. “I didn’t want to then, and I sure as hell don’t want to now. I want you, Mia. Not just to mess around with, or to be your friend. I want everything we can give each other because I’m falling for you too.”
“I can’t do it.” My voice breaks. “I don’t know how.”
“Try,” he murmurs. “I’ve never tried before either, and I’m scared out of my mind, but I want to try it with you. Only with you. Say you’ll try it with me too.”
I squeeze his hand back. “What if it doesn’t last? What if—”
He starts shaking his head before I finish the sentence. “No what ifs. Don’t think about the future. Think about now.”
Something snaps inside me.
More likely than not, this will go up in flames—but I can’t walk away from him. Not when my heart feels so full when he’s around. Not when I’m aware of his presence from the moment he enters a room. Not when my heart is begging to stay with him, damn the future consequences. Goodbye Project GOSMC.
I nod, wiping at the stubborn tears wanting to escape. He tucks my hair behind my ear, tugging on the lobe gently.
“I really want to kiss you right now,” he says.
I balance on my tiptoes. My lips are half an inch from his, so close yet so far. My body thrums with anticipation. “What are you waiting for?”
