I run.
I go at it for hours or a day, I’m not sure.
I run until no breaths remain in my lungs.
I run until everything blurs.
The rain pounds down on me, soaking my clothes and my hair. My fingers become stiff with the cold and my shoes slouch with water.
My heart’s palpitations become scarier by the minute, but I don’t stop.
I can’t stop.
No tears come out no matter how much I want to cry. Droplets of rain stream down my head and my cheeks as if rinsing me.
But there’s no rinsing me from the past.
Everything will come back.
Everything will hit me again.
I gulp air, but barely anything reaches my lungs.
There’s a monster in my chest, a dark ugly monster who claws at my walls.
The monster wants to be set free.
It’s one of the monsters from the nightmares. A monster that will eat me alive.
The same monster who took Eli.
My heart thuds at the thought.
Eli.
My brother Eli. My mother Abigail. My father Ethan.
My family.
How can I not even remember their faces properly?
They’re a blur. A shadow. Black fucking smoke.
Is that what’s been wrong with me all this time? The itch, the nightmares, all the triggers have been a way to make me remember, weren’t they?
So why the hell can’t I remember them?
I come to a screeching halt, catching my breaths. My heart thunders in my chest in that irregular, frightening rhythm.
The heart that Jonathan saved just so he can destroy me when I’m older.
The heart that was shot at.
Who shot me? Who the hell would shoot a seven years old girl?
The rain blurs my vision. The buildings surrounding me start to double then to triple.
I lean against a wall, breathing harshly.
I don’t feel so good.
My heart beats so fast. I take deep inhales and release long exhales.
It’s not working.
I reach for my phone, then stop. I left the backpack with my phone in it at home.
With trembling hands, I push my hair back and try to walk. I stumble and nearly fall. I clutch the wall with stiff, wet fingers.
I search around me, but it’s deserted, probably because of the rain.
A buzz goes off in my ears and my eyes flutter closed. I lean against the wall, inhaling heavy choked breaths.
“Crybaby.” Eli’s voice rings in my head. “Come with me.”
My heartbeat slows down until it’s no longer scary but it’s also not there either.
“Why did you go, Eli?” I whisper and I feel like that six-year-old girl whom he released her hand. “Why did you leave me alone?”
“I didn’t leave you alone, crybaby. Another Eli came.”
“Another Eli?”
“Shh.”
His voice drifts and so does his image. I try to catch him, but he turns into smoke.
Eli…
Tears rim my eyes and I fall.
Or I think I do. Someone clutches me before I hit the ground.
Strong arms surround me, lifting me off the ground.
It smells good.
It smells safe.
“I got you,” that voice whispers.
My eyes flutter closed and I let go.
I got you.
A headache hits my temple.
I groan while sitting up.
For a second, I’m too disoriented to figure out where I am.
The bedroom’s dark decor with the large bed prickles my memory.
The Meet Up.
My eyes open wide and I push my hair back.
Aiden.
My heart beats then sinks into itself at the thought of him.
How did he find me? Also, why the hell would he even find me after the show Jonathan pulled at our house this morning?
Only a bathrobe and a sheet cover my nakedness.
The room’s temperature is warm. It almost feels like a cosy morning.
Almost.
The door opens without a sound. My shoulders strain with tension at the thought of seeing him.
I can’t even pretend that his presence doesn’t wreak havoc in my heart and mind.
Hot chocolate scent wafts in the air from the steaming cup he’s carrying.
His tousled hair seems damp. He’s wearing dark jeans and Elites’ royal blue jacket.
No uniform. That means he didn’t even consider going to RES.
He appears his usual self, calm and composed as if nothing is wrong.
As if my life hasn’t been crashing down all around me today.
No. Not today.
My life has been crashing down since Eli’s death. I just spent the last ten years pretending like it’s not.
“The doctor came to see you.” Aiden takes my hand in his and places the steaming hot cup between my fingers. “He said it’s not alarming, but you should have tests done with your supervising heart physician.”
“The doctor?” I ask.
“Our family doctor.”
Of course, they have a family doctor who does home visits.
Then, at the thought of his family, a bitter taste fills my mouth.
“Jonathan came over today,” I murmur. “He made it clear that he paid for my heart surgery when I was a kid just so he can destroy me whenever he wished. And oh, by the way, I just learnt it was never a heart condition. I was shot.”
Aiden takes two steps back and sits on a chair opposite the bed. It’s the first time he intentionally puts distance between us.
If it were the old Aiden, he’d invade my space and make me accept him even if I didn’t want to.
Being close is one of the intimidation methods he uses so well.
Not today, apparently.
Maybe I shocked him. But then again, Aiden is a mastermind, and usually a few steps ahead. Is it even possible to shock him?
His poker face doesn’t help.
“Drink. I made it the way you like, more chocolate, less milk.” He motions at the hot chocolate. “You need internal heat.”
“You knew about Jonathan’s plans, didn’t you?” My clutch stiffens against the cup. “Hell, you’ve been an accomplice all this time.”
“Drink your hot chocolate,” he repeats as if I didn’t hear him the first time.
“I won’t drink the damn thing!” I slam it not so gently on the nightstand. A few hot droplets burn my skin, but I don’t pay them attention.
What stings the most is the boy sitting across from me.
My heart bleeds at the thought that Aiden has only been with me according to Jonathan’s plan.
For some reason, I need to hear it from his mouth.
If I do, I’ll be able to hate him properly.
“Say it. You’re so almighty and don’t lie, right? So fucking say it, Aiden! Say that all of this has been a game.”
He remains in his chair but he glares at me down his nose as if he wants to strangle me.
Then his left eye twitches.
I should’ve run. I should’ve cowered away, but I didn’t.
Or more like I don’t get the chance.
Aiden stands and before I know it, he’s pinning me to the bed. His hand wraps around both my wrists and he slams them on the headboard above my head as he straddles my lap.
“A game.” He seethes. “Yes, Elsa, it was a game, but you refused to play by the fucking rules.”
“What rules?”
“My rules.”
I laugh, the sound humourless and a bit hysterical. “Your rules? Do those include destroying me like you said that first day we met?”
He says nothing and just continues looming over me like a grim reaper all complete with dark eyes and jet black hair.
“Were they your rules or Jonathan’s rules?” I mock. “Because he seems like the one who controls the game.”
“Jonathan doesn’t scare me, sweetheart.” He tightens his hold around my wrists. “And he shouldn’t scare you either.”
I scoff even though my heart bleeds open. “Are you starting another game, Aiden? Are you going to make me trust you again just so I’ll fall harder? That’s what Jonathan told Silver the other day, you know. He said that the prey ought to fall harder if she knows there’s no danger.”
“Don’t let them get between us. Forget about them.”
“Forget about them?” I shriek, angry tears rimming my eyes. “I already forgot many things, Aiden. I forgot about my parents and my brother. I forgot who I am for ten fucking years, so don’t you go telling me to forget about anything! Actually, no. There’s an exception. I’ll forget everything about you.”
“You’ll forget everything about me, huh?” His tone is calm but chilling.
“I will.” My heartbeat throbs with every word I say. “You used me and ridiculed me. I’m already a wreck. Are you happy now?”
His lips crush to mine. He kisses me with tenderness and passion that leaves me breathless.
A sob catches at the back of my throat. The tears I held onto for the whole day spill free.
He licks my bottom lip, coaxing me to open up.
Open up and do what? Be the same fool that I’ve been since the beginning of the year?
Fall for him all over again just to be hurt?
I bite his lower lip, but that only turns his kiss more savage.
He pulls on my band, releasing my hair and fists it in his hand. His tongue thrusts inside and claims mine. He kisses me until there’s no breath left in my lungs.
He finally pulls back and growls against my mouth, “There’s no forgetting about me, sweetheart. Is that fucking clear?”
“Then tell me the truth, Aiden! If you don’t, I swear to God, I’ll hate you.”
“You’ll hate me,” he repeats the words with menace, gripping my hair tighter.
Aiden doesn’t like to be threatened but screw him. He’s threatened me enough. It’s time he takes a taste of his own medicine.
“I’ll hate you,” I repeat with conviction. “I don’t care if it takes me a month, a year, or a decade, but I will forget about you.”
His left eye twitches and he glares at me as if he’s challenging me to do just that.
To test him and bear the consequences.
I glare back at him, not cowering away.
The air ripples with tension as neither of us break eye contact.
After what seems like forever of staring at each other, he releases me.
My hands fall on either side of me, but he doesn’t get off me. It’s as if he needs the closeness.
And maybe. Just maybe, I need it, too.
I don’t know when Aiden became the only person I always need close.
He just is.
Since he remains silent, I decide to take it into my hands. “The friends you told me about are Jonathan and my father, right?”
It makes sense with all the tycoon part and how they both married mentally ill women. Alicia and my mum were just a part of the King and Steel bet.
He nods.
“You said there was a bet that ruined everything?”
“A business deal,” he says and for the first time, Aiden doesn’t meet my eyes.
He’s staring at my scar through the small opening in my bathrobe. I’m tempted to hide it, but I don’t want to stop the flow.
“What type of business deal?” I ask.
“They often had a bet on who makes more money through gross production during that month.”
“That seems normal.”
His eyes draw a hole through my surgery scar as he speaks. “Jonathan had inside info that Ethan’s gross production would surpass his, and Jonathan doesn’t lose. He had an insider at Steel Factories disrupt production. It was supposed to be a fire in the middle of the night, but the insider messed up. Steel’s coal factory caught fire during the day when many workers were there. There were many human casualties and catastrophic damage to the factory.”
“That sounds familiar…” I gasp. “The great Birmingham fire.”
He nods.
“But, when I read about it in the article, no one mentioned that the factory belonged to Steel. Even the article about the domestic fire made it seem like my parents were unimportant. They didn’t mention that my father owned factories. Granted, I didn’t read the entire article, but still.”
“That would be Jonathan. He controls media in any way he wants to. Besides, Ethan Steel was a very private man. He didn’t get off on attention like Jonathan.”
“Why would your father bury my parents’ death like it was nothing? Wait…” I watch him with wide eyes. “D-did he have anything to do with it?”
He remains calm as he shakes his head. “Jonathan is many things, but he’s not a murderer.”
“Then why did he bury the fire?”
“Because it relates directly to the great Birmingham fire. He didn’t want his name mentioned in a nation-scale tragedy.” He releases a long breath. “Since Steel’s productions were handicapped, Jonathan won that month, but he lost more than money.”
“Like what?”
Aiden’s eyes finally meet mine and they appear glassed over like something is completely dead inside.
“Like Alicia.”
My heart aches at the mention of her name. She was just another pawn in Jonathan and Ethan’s game.
Just like Ma.
Just like Aiden.
Just like me.
I raise a hand and stroke his cheek right beneath the mole. “Do you miss her?”
“No.” His facial expression doesn’t change. “What’s the point of missing someone who’ll never return?”
Ouch.
As much as mentally unwell Alicia was, something tells me Aiden looked up to her. She was the break of pattern between him and Jonathan.
Since her death, Aiden took after his father’s steps.
“She used to sit me beside her as she read her philosophy and psychology books,” he says in a distant voice. “I was her only audience.”
“Aiden…”
“She should’ve died.” His jaw tightens. “She was too fragile and wouldn’t have survived in a world filled by the likes of Jonathan King and Ethan Steel.”
“Is that why you became like Jonathan?”
“I didn’t become like Jonathan, I chose to be like him. People like Alicia are insignificant. One has to be the king to survive.”
For some reason, it doesn’t feel like he’s ridiculing his mother. If anything, he sounds sad when he says her name.
I cradle his cheeks with both my palms and give him a tentative smile. “It’s okay if you miss her.”
“I don’t.”
“I miss my mum, my dad, and Eli. I don’t even remember them, but I miss them. I think I’ve always missed them, that’s why I was having those nightmares. It’s like a punishment for forgetting about them.”
He watches me intently as if I’m about to grow a head. Or two.
Tears fill my eyes as that grief hits me out of nowhere.
I can’t fight it even if I want to.
“It’s weird, right?”
He remains poker-faced, but his hand reaches out to stroke a stray strand of hair off my face.
“It’s not weird to miss people.” He twirls a strand between his fingers. “I think I missed you, too, sometimes.”
Before I can make out the meaning behind his words, his lips press to mine with a tenderness that startles the shit out of me.
Aiden doesn’t do soft. He’s all rugged and rough.
He wraps a hand around my nape and pulls me closer. I willingly open when he probes my lips. He kisses me slowly, too slowly, as if he’s re-learning me.
As if he lost me and finally found me.
I moan in his mouth as he cups my breast through the bathrobe. My nipples harden and strain against the cloth.
He traces a finger up and down my scar as if he’s engraving it to memory.
I close my eyes and surrender to his onslaught. There’s nothing more crushing and levitating as being kissed by Aiden.
No. I’m not only being kissed by Aiden.
I’m being worshipped.
He’s taking my world and reshaping it without my permission.
He doesn’t break the kiss as he reaches between us and unbuckles his belt.
In no time, he’s nudging at my entrance, and slowly, too slowly thrusts inside me.
I’m too wet, but he still finds resistance because of his size.
His groan matches my own as he pulls the slightest bit from my mouth to stare at my face.
Thump, thump, thump.
I place my hand against his heart. My lips fall open at the maddening heartbeat under my fingertips.
His thrusts are slow and almost gentle, like that first time when he waited for me to get used to him.
Is he also waiting for me to get used to him now?
“I missed you, sweetheart,” he rasps against my lips.
My heart beats so loud, I’m surprised I’m able to hear him.
“Say you missed me, too.” He continues caressing my scar as he thrusts deeper, hitting that spot inside me.
I open my mouth to say the words, but his thrusts render me speechless.
This intimacy will kill me.
“Say it,” he grunts and pulls one of my legs up to get more depth.
“I missed you,” I breathe as the wave hits me deep inside.
I don’t get a choice as I unravel all around him. My eyes roll to the back of my head as I nibble on my lower lip.
Aiden kisses me again, replacing my teeth with his. His pace grows faster and rougher, filling me to the rim.
My nails dig into his back as if I’m holding on for dear life.
He grunts, and I watch his handsome face turning rigid as warmth coats my insides.
When he pulls out of me, sharp emptiness slashes inside me.
I’m tempted to reach out and put him in me again.
Instead, I wrap my arms around his torso and snuggle to his side, both my arms and legs wrapped around him.
His fingers spread through my hair, stroking it back.
I’m in that dreamy place between wakefulness and sleep when I hear his whisper in the dark. “We’ll never miss each other again, sweetheart.”
