Carter
“Carter honey, I’ve sent the dress I bought you. It should arrive soon? Maybe in the next day or so?”
I furrow my brows, thinking why she sent me a dress down here. Am I missing something? I stay silent and think about what she’s talking about.
“You forgot, didn’t you?” she asks me, snapping me out of my thoughts. I immediately started to feel guilty because I did forget whatever it was.
“Forgot what?” I play it off like I know nothing. Maybe she forgot to tell me? Lets hope she forgot to tell me?
“Carter . . . I told you about the gala for your college. It’s less than two weeks away. Sweetie, we’re hosting the event. You have to attend. Your brothers will be there too. Your father wants you all on stage with him when he makes his speech.”
Shit! I completely forgot about that. I groan at how forgetful I am and the fact I have to go to the stupid thing.
“I-I didn’t forget, I just didn’t remember it was so soon. I thought it was later in the year?” I lie. I feel so bad for forgetting about it. Why do I have to go? Oh yeah, my dad is the top football coach in the country who went to this college. Cue the eye roll at myself.
“No, sweetheart, it’s next Friday at 6pm. Please don’t be late. You know I will come get you and drag you to the event if you are! And I know you forgot, honey.” She starts to joke with me. I laugh, but I know there is a serious element to it. She will hunt me down and drag me to the event. She’s done it before, she most certainly will do it again.
“I won’t be, mom. Don’t worry, I promise I’ll be on time. And thanks for getting me a dress . . . What colour is it, by the way?” I start to fold my clothes over and put them away in my dressers and wardrobe.
“It’s mint green, your colour. You want to look pretty for all those college football players you’ll see that night.” I can practically see the smirk on her face down the line. I roll my eyes at my mother pimping me out for the guys who I’m sure won’t even look my way, even if I was naked.
I snort back at her and allow my wit to take over. “Mom, that will never happen. I could be in my birthday suit dancing on them and they still wouldn’t pay attention to me. I’m not that girl people notice. Trust me. It’s more evident since I’ve been here . . .” Sorting my shirts by color, I pick them up and place them in a drawer and repeat the process until I have another pile.
“Honey, you’re more beautiful than you think but it doesn’t hurt to dress up nice for the event . . .” I roll my eyes once more and sigh.
I bite the inside of my cheek before I speak to her, “You have to say that. You’re my mom . . .”
She starts to laugh but stops soon after. I know she’s trying to coax me into being excited about it but it won’t happen. She knows how I feel about these things. I hate it. I’m usually set up with some rich guy or a sleazy football player that’ll have his hands all over me just because of my last name. They always want to make a good impression on my parents.
“Carter, you are beautiful. You’re the product of me and your fa—”
“STOP! Mom, oh my God! Just stop . . . I don’t need to hear that!” She’s starts laughing her angelic laugh that I’ve listened to growing up. That laugh is what I miss.
I miss my family so much. They’re all too far away. I look around my room and see the photos I’ve hung up on my walls. Lots of them with me and my older brothers. It makes me feel like I’m at home or I’m with them.
“Sorry, sweetie . . . but it’s true. Anywho, you better go to class now! I’ll miss you. And message me when your dress arrives so I know it’s with you!” Hearing her clap through my speaker, I know she’s in work planning for another event.
“Okay, Mom. I’ll text you when it arrives. I got to go anyway. Bye! I love you!” I send her a kiss down the line and she sends me two.
“I love you too, honey! Talk to you soon! Bye!” The line goes dead and I see my screen go dark. I continue to fold my clothes to place them in drawers or hang some up for the next half hour before my class.
I don’t get it finished, but I know if I don’t leave now I’ll be late. If I’m late, the lecture doesn’t let you in. So I can’t afford to be late. I throw my notebook inside my handbag and leave out the door with a slam. “Woops!” I whisper to myself and walk down the stairs.
Haley: Did you want to slam the door any louder?
I smile at her message on my phone and start to giggle. I type back a response.
Me: Sorry, must’ve been the wind. Or Casper the unfriendly ghost . . .
Haley: ��xx
I continue on my way to my class and put in my earphones, listening to my music to make me walk that little bit faster. I see the trees wave from side to side as the pathway is occupied by some people walking around the campus. I see some people sitting on the picnic benches outside, talking with their friends. Some people were throwing frisbees around on the grass while others lay down with their groups, laughing about something I couldn’t hear and throwing blades of grass at one another. The sharp smell of smoke is in the air in patches of small clouds.
Next thing I see a football flying my way and muffled screams. Heads turn around to me but I catch it with ease. My dad and brothers used to throw the ball at me to catch me off guard when I was growing up. I stare at the group in shock, and they stare back at me, equally as shocked.
I shouldn’t have caught it.
I should’ve just let it hit me.
Seeing Nick and TJ jog over to me, I see their lips moving, but all I hear is Taylor Swift’s voice. I take the earphones out and hand them the ball.
“Are you alright?” TJ stares at me. I nod and smile at him, looking around at the attention I’ve received from the students that hadn’t noticed me before but now do. Brushing off Nick’s touch, I retrieve my hand immediately from the feeling I got.
I start to panic from the stares I’m receiving and feel my heart beat a little too fast for my liking, not in sync with my breaths. I dart my eyes around, making eye contact with unknown strangers. I can hear my heart hammering in my ears. I clear my throat because I feel a lump inside of it.
I see Nick making his way towards me and I hear him say, “Carter, breathe—”
“I’ve got to go!” I run past them and down the pathway from them and inside my building. I run to the girls’ restroom and into an empty stall to hide from people. I sit on the closed seat and rest my head on my hands. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. It’s not helping.
Inhale.
Exhale.
I throw my head back, facing the ceiling and shutting my eyes. Breathe, Carter, just breathe.
It’s been a while since I’ve had a panic attack. I forgot what it felt like. I used to suffer from them when I was younger. I’d like to say that I grew out of them, but I didn’t; I’ve always had anxiety. It’s always been an uphill battle for me. I find it hard to keep it under control sometimes. Now being one of them.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
I gulp down my saliva and take a sip of the water I have in my bag. I swallow the water back to try to help myself. I stand up with shaky hands, open the door up, and walk over to the sink, allowing the cold water to hit my hands. The cold water helped me when I was younger, and I’m praying it does now. Feeling my heart rate slowly go down, I dry my hands and look at myself in the mirror.
My flat hair falls down over my shoulders and my back. My skin is dewy from the cold sweats of the panic. My eyes are dilated. I look like shit. All those guys saw me like this. I groan out in frustration. Why do I do this to myself? No wonder I don’t get asked out. I look like I belong in Tim Burton’s “The Corpse Bride” or something from “The Walking Dead.”
Walking back out into the hallway, I see Nick leaning against the wall with TJ and they both stop talking to each other to approach me.
“You alright, Carter?” TJ asks me again as he leans on the wall beside me. Both of them are in their football jackets. Girls are walking by, staring at them and checking them out while they don’t acknowledge my existence. Nothing new.
I nod weakly, feeling so embarrassed. “I just didn’t feel well,” I lie to them. They don’t need know me to know that though. I see TJ stand up to his full height immediately after I said that.
“Like nauseous? You’re not . . . you know? . . . pregnant? OW!” Nick punched him hard in his arm while glaring at him.
“What? N-No . . . No, I’m not pregnant, TJ . . .” I feel the heat rising up my cheeks as I look down at my stomach. “Do I . . . look pregnant?” I ask them, fixing my shirt as I look around. I instinctively suck in my stomach to make myself appear skinnier.
“TJ, go get the guys. Now!” Nick barks at him. TJ looks at him and walks backwards away from us. Seeing Nick’s red cheeks, I can tell he’s just as embarrassed as I am. Oh God, I look pregnant don’t I? I gained a few. I knew it. I run my hand through my hair in frustration. I need to go to the gym.
“I’m not . . . but I look it, don’t I?” I look down at my stomach once more and try to flatten it as much as I can.
“Carter, TJ is an idiot. Don’t listen to him, you don’t look pregnant. You look fine, I promise. Sometimes he has no filter. We know you’re not that type of girl . . .” I snap my head up to him and quirk an eyebrow.
“What type of girl am I?” I ask, offended by what category he’s put me in. The ugly girl club. The one who can’t get with a guy. The one who repels them rather than attracts. Seeing his eyes widen at the sound of my tone, he rubs the back of his neck.
Not that I want a baby anytime soon, nor do I want to be a teen mom. Nothing wrong with it, just not in my plans.
“I didn’t mean it like that, Carter . . .” He stares down at me, and I look to my left to see a group of girls talking and giggling while staring at him. He turns his head to see them too and they scatter off into the hallway, going in different directions, embarrassed they got caught.
“I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it like that—”
“It’s fine. I’ve got class. Bye.” I slip to his side and walk away from him without giving him a second look. As I reach my class, I notice that it’s empty with only two other people sitting in the auditorium.
I know I’m not the girl who gets the guys’ attention. I never have been, but it hurts to hear it out loud from someone else—someone as good looking and as popular as Nick. Way to knock me when I’m down.
Hearing the door shut, I see the professor making his way to the podium so that class can begin. I was too caught up in my own thoughts to realise that the class filled up a little more since I came in.
Knowing I’m going to have to put aside my feelings and focus on the lecture that’s about to happen, I slip my notebook and a pen out. I listen in on the anatomy lecture he’s giving and take down some notes.
I’ve always wanted to be a physical therapist. It’s been like that ever since I was younger. My mom’s sister is one, and I used to shadow her from time to time when we’d come down to her work for some summers. Sometimes, it would be boring work, but other times, it would be quite cool. She had some high-profile athletes as her clients that I would sit in on. That was the only cool part of the job.
For the entire lecture, I put TJ and Nick at the back of my mind. This was my final lecture of the day. When he signalled for us to leave, I packed up my stuff and got out as quick as I could.
As I walked down the pathway, I see TJ and Nick back in the same place outside with there friends, but I keep my head down and walked back to the dorm. Brisk walking back, I bump into the guy at the party. What’s his name again?
“Carter! Hey! What’s up?” he asks me with a huge smile on his face, showing me straight teeth that gleam with whiteness that is almost blinding.
Ryan! That’s his name.
“Hi, Ryan. Just heading back to my dorm,” I say, walking around him to continue my journey.
“Wait! You coming to the game on Friday?” I shake my head no and see his smile drop. “Why not? You should come. I would love to see you there.” I snap my eyes from the pavement back up to his and study his intention. Why would he love to see me there? Does he know who I am?
“Um, I’ve got assignments and stuff to do on Friday. Maybe another time . . .” I say, beginning to walk backwards away from him but he follows me.
“Are you coming to the party afterwards? It’s a pool party. Come to that, at least?” he tries to convince me, but I couldn’t think of anything worse. A pool party . . . when I’ve just been called pregnant today. No thanks. I’m good.
“Maybe? It depends on how much of the work I get done. I’ve got to go. Bye.” I wave him off and then back to see the doors of my dorm building in front of me.
“Wait! Well, if you’re not coming on Friday, can I take you out? Like on, a date?” I stood frozen to the pavement, unable to face him. He picked up on this, so he made his way around to see me. Ryan is handsome. Tall, dark hair, slightly curly, buff with broad shoulders, and a thin waist. Perfect smile that’ll make you swoon for days. Brown eyes that are so dark you can see yourself in them. A light tan on his face to show he plays outdoors a lot. He’s got the boy next door look down to a tee.
“Um . . . I don’t date. I’m sorry.” What I really mean is, I don’t date football players.
“I mean, we could do other stuff if you want to?” he teases me, coming closer. I shake my head no, which makes him frown and pout.
“I don’t do that either—”
“You’re going to make me work for it aren’t you?” He smiles at me, and I shake my head once again but before I could say anything, he got there before me.
“Challenge accepted!” I raise a brow at him, wondering what part of “no” did he not understand? Either he’s deaf or doesn’t like the word itself. Placing his hands on my shoulders, I eye both of his hands up, asking internally what he is doing? “I will get at least one date with you, Carter! I promise you!” He walks away from me and I head towards the building, so confused as to what just happened?
Why is he so persistent? Why can’t he just take a no?
I swing the door open of the building and fish my keys out while I mindlessly walk towards the elevator. I stare at it and decide to take the stairs so I can burn some calories. Trudging my feet up the stairs, slapping down on the tiles as I ascend to my room.
Upon reaching it, I see it’s already open. I push it open with skepticism and I see Haley rushing around and throwing things in her bag. She must be late for a class.
“Hi, Carter! Bye, Carter!” She runs out the door past me like the wind, heading towards the stairs. I hear the slapping of her sandles on the tiles that slowly fade away as she moves further from the room, her blonde hair flowing in the air as she runs away to her class.
“Bye . . .” I say to nobody as I close the door. I hear cutlery clanking against a plate and Danielle comes into sight.
“Hey, girl! Cute top! How was class?” She smiles over to me. Danielle is so nice, she’s got lots of tips on how to survive college as a girl. She has an older sister who told her what to do and what not to do. We have been sticking to those rules so nothing bad happens to any of us.
“It was fine; got a football thrown at me, ran away from TJ and Nick, got told I looked pregnant and was told I was pretty much ugly, and, lastly, got asked out on a date even though I said no. So, all in all, it’s was pretty boring.” She starts laughing at my sarcastic remarks about my day. She covers her mouth and chews the rest of her food that looks so delicious.
“Okay, you need to fill me in! Like, now!” She waves her hand around her face, telling me to explain. I sit down with a huff into the seat opposite to her and sigh, taking out my water bottle from my hand bag.
“Well, I was walking to class and saw Nick and TJ. Someone threw a football at me and I caught it. They asked me if was I alright and everyone was looking right at me because they were talking to me. I had a panic attack and ran to the girls’ restroom. I nearly cried alone in there.
“I came out and I told TJ and Nick I felt sick, which wasn’t a total lie. TJ thought I was pregnant and Nick told me I wasn’t that type of girl. So, he basically said that a guy wouldn’t even want to knock me up. Or go near me for that matter.
“I walked home from my class and bumped into Ryan. He asked me out, I said no. Like twice. And he saw it as a challenge. He wanted me to go to the game on Friday because he’d love to see me there. Then he wanted me to go to a pool party. Why on earth would I go to a pool party when I was called pregnant and ugly today? Hmm?” I see Danielle smirking at me. This is the first time I’ve had an outburst to a girl, who was one of my friends. One of my two only friends I’ve had my entire life.
“Well, I don’t think the guys meant it like that. Did TJ say the word pregnant?” I nodded and she face palms herself, probably wondering why he would ask that. “Ugh! TJ!” she groans with her eyes closed.
“I know . . .”
“And what did Nick say exactly?” She continues to cut up her avocado with salmon on toasted bread.
“He said somethings along the lines of ‘Don’t listen to TJ, you don’t look pregnant. we know you’re not that type of girl . . .’ ”
“Ugh . . . NICK!” she groans out loud once more. She’s starting to see where I’m coming from. She shakes her head and looks over at me. I see the sympathy in her eyes. She knows it’s kind of upset me today. “I’m sure dumb and dumber really didn’t mean it. It sounds like their minds weren’t programmed to their mouths. I’m sure you could’ve taken Nick’s comment one way or another, but I get where you’re coming from,” she assures me.
I nod, sipping on my water. I’m sure she’s right. She’s got more experience than I do with people; guys in particular. I don’t even reach half of either hers or Haley’s experience scales when it comes to guys. I have no idea what to do when I’m around them.
“Why don’t you come to the game on Friday? We can check out the players on the field. That’s really the only reason why I’m going. Football’s . . . not my thing. Hot sweaty guys? Now we’re talking!” We both laugh at her comment. I push up the glasses on my nose and shake my head. I see her frown.
“I’ve got an assignment that I want to finish on Friday.” I close the cap on the bottle and set it down on the table in front of me.
“Well, you coming to the party afterwards?” She chews on her food covering her mouth.
“I don’t think so. I think I’ll just stay here for the night. I don’t want to be felt up again . . . Or be called pregnant again . . .” I play with my fingers, having a flashback of that night. When I got pulled upstairs by that guy. Him putting his hands all over me and kissing, biting, and trailing his tongue up my neck. I touch my neck subconsciously, almost feeling him still on me.
“What happened? I just got pulled by Haley to go outside with you both,” she asks me softly, like she was silently asking if I wanted to talk about it.
“I saw Nick and ran away, crashed into a guy and spilt his drink all over him. I offered to help clean him up in the kitchen but he took my hand and brought me upstairs. Once we were in a room, which I thought was locked, he pushed me up against the wall and started to . . . kiss and bite my neck. He kept commenting on how I looked. Then we heard banging on the door. It was TJ and Haley. TJ took my hand and pulled me out but the guy got really angry with him. So TJ threatened that him and Nick will make him regret what he did if he didn’t stay away from me. I haven’t seen him since. Haley took me downstairs and we waited outside when we found you. I’m sorry you got pulled away from that guy you were dancing with!” I apologized to her and she shook her head wildly.
“No! No! I needed saving from him! He was a total creep and I couldn’t find a way to get away from him. I was glad to see both of you, you have no idea.” She chuckles thinking about that night. “I’m sorry that happened to you. I get why you don’t want to go back out. But don’t let it scare you from going out forever. You’ll have amazing memories on some nights and you’ll have awful ones. That being one.” Her hand reaches across to touch mine and squeezes it. “If you want, I can stay with you on Friday and we can just watch movies and stuff?” She smiles softly over to me.
“No, I’m alright with being alone here. You guys go out and enjoy the night. I just need time for myself this weekend. I might call my family,” I tell her standing up to walk over to the refrigerator.
“Did I ever tell you I love your mom!” she jokes, making me laugh harder. I know she’s trying to change the subject because I realized I’m not comfortable with that stuff yet. I appreciate that she picked up on it. I’m new to it, so I find it strange.
“No . . .” I reply, still facing the refrigerator.
“Well, I do! She’s so sweet, like, I want your parents to adopt me!” she squeaks out, turning her body around to face me.
“I’m not sure you want that!” I mumble, checking what we can make for dinner. I’m not really in the mood for cooking tonight. Maybe one of them might cook something or we can eat out?
“Why? Danielle . . . what’s your last name again?” I freeze. I honestly forgot hers too. I knew Haley’s because of Nick, him being the most talked about guy on campus. Nick Jackson this, Nick Jackson that; all the girls in my classes are obsessed with him. I mean he’s gorgeous, but he has a girlfriend, don’t they respect that?
“That’s not important,” I tell her, trying to act like I don’t care. She stops talking for a moment. Hearing nothing but silence in the room, I spin around still crouched down on my feet at the refrigerator. Seeing her stare at me.
“What’s your last name Carter?” she teases me with her finger resting across her upper lip. “You’re hiding something aren’t you?” She’s still keeping that same tone in her voice as when she asked the first question. Still staring at me, she fumbles around the table to get her phone. Once she does, she pulls it out to find something.
“What are you doing?” I ask her, standing up and turning around to fully face her.
“Finding the email the college sent us. It has yours and Haley’s names in it.” She smirks down at her phone. Seeing her eyes widen, I know she’s found it. “Steel! Carter Steel,” she repeats my name once more. “Siri, Google Carter Steel.” Hearing Siri reply as she carries out the task, I feel the blood drain from my body. “Holy shit! You’re famous! Well, your dad is famous,” she trails off, not looking up from the screen.
“That’s not my dad,” I say as calmly as possible.
“That’s definitely your dad. He’s standing in the picture with your mom! And in the next one he’s kissing her! And your bro—Holy crap! They’re your brothers! Wow! Damn, your brothers are hot!” She smiles even wider at the screen. I feel my body walking over to her.
“Please don’t tell anyone! Please Danielle! Please!” I clasp my hands with a pleading looking on my face. Her smiles is replaced by a shocked expression and now a worried one.
“What? Carter, I’m not going to say anything if you don’t want me to. What will happen if I tell someone?” Her confused look catches me off guard as I take a step back from her. I think I scared her.
“Oh, I don’t know, I’m in a college that worships football and my dad is the best coach in the NFL while my brothers are the top players in the NFL currently and some of the players on this college team want to play in THE NFL!” I yell in frustration. She stands up and walks over to me, placing both of her hands on my shoulders after spinning me around.
“I’m not really understanding, Carter. I have no idea about football . . .” She’s still not making the link.
“Look, if people know I’m a Steel, they’ll use me to get to my dad, especially the football players . . .” I put emphasis on the words football players for her to try and link it herself. I see the realization set in, in her eyes and she purses her lips to the side.
“You mean TJ and Nick.”
I nod and look down at my feet. I feel my arms drop down to my side like the energy had left them. I feel emotionally drained after today. “I won’t say anything, I promise. But I think somebody else will find out one way or another. I mean, there’s an email with your name in it that was sent to all three of us. If Haley sees it, she’ll make the same connection, and she knows about football. But it’s your choice, Carter. I won’t say anything if you don’t want me to.” Her hands rub my shoulders to comfort me after I’ve panicked. “If it’s any consolation, I don’t think either of them will use you to get a career in the NFL.” She leans in to hug me and I hug her back.
“You don’t know that . . .” I whisper to her. My heart rate slows down with time.
“True, but I’ve got a feeling they won’t.” She squeezes me and then lets go of me. Walking over to the open door of the refrigerator, she pokes her head inside to see what we have available. “Let’s eat out tonight, I’m not in the mood to cook. I can bet neither is Haley. Let’s go out and we can get ice cream afterwards?” I nod my head, thinking she read my mind. This girl is going to be one of my closest friends. I can feel it.
“Cool! I’ll text Haley, it’ll probably make her day! She was not in a good mood this morning . . . I’ll make sure she knows it’s just us girls going so she doesn’t ask Nick or TJ . . . unless you want them to come with us?” She smirks as she leans back on the counter. Why is she looking at me like that?
“What? Why are you smiling like that?” She just shrugs her shoulders. “Danielle, what? What do you know?” I step over to her side.
“Oh nothing . . . but I think one of them may have a little thing for you,” she trails off typing the message into our group chat. My heart jumps into my mouth at her words as she swivels around to take in my reaction.
“What? N-No . . . TJ likes Haley, n-not me!” I assure her.
“Oh, I know he does. I wasn’t talking about TJ.” She smirks over at me again and I roll my eyes at her.
“Nick? Are you nuts! Nick doesn’t like me! He has a girlfriend!” I laugh at her. I shake my head, closing the door and avoiding eye contact with her.
“I think he does. Plus, that girl is definitely not his girlfriend. He’s known for never having a girlfriend. He’s a ladies man, a complete player . . . but I think he has a little thing for you!” She pokes my cheek playfully making a smile grown on my face and I grab on to her finger. She gasps at me and says, “And by the looks of things, you have a little thing for him too! OMG, you like him! Well, I mean, every girl except for Haley likes him! He’s so hot! Good lord is that boy hot!” She throws her head back, appreciating Nick and his hotness. I couldn’t agree more. God, he’s so hot.
“I do not like him! That’s Haley’s brother, Danielle! Plus, he’s way out of my league! Have you seen the girls on this campus?” I squeak out at her slightly laughing.
“Denial isn’t just a river in India, Carter! Have you seen yourself? Hello! You’re gorgeous! I’m pretty sure Nick noticed . . . and apparently, Ryan too.” She taps her finger on my head, telling me to wake up and smell the roses. But I just lean back and laugh at her while looking up at the ceiling.
“It’s in Egypt, actually.” I laugh.
“Whatever. If you don’t believe me, then that’s on you! But I’ve got a feeling he does . . .” She winks before walking to the sofa.
“That’s only an opinion and not a fact, Danielle. I think he just feels sorry for me, which is even worse . . . Like, I’m so awkward . . .” I moan to the back of her retreating head. I join her and we start to watch ESPN. I tell her the basics about football while we watch a game. I tell her who were my two brothers and I point to her where my dad was on the screen. She just stares in awe the entire time. I know it’s her just checking out the guys on the screen, but it was fun to watch it with her. She started to grasp the rules of the game quickly, to my surprise. I mean, the girl did think The Nile river was in India.
Haley arrived back at five and we all decided to go out and eat, just us girls. We had such a great time eating and laughing together. There were a crowd of guys that kept us entertained. We got one of their numbers when they asked us to come to a party some night, courtesy of Danielle and Haley. I had no input in that, I just sat there staring at them. I couldn’t form any words.
Currently, we were sitting on Haley’s bed and talking about them. Haley wasn’t interested and Danielle and I know why. She really likes TJ; you can see it in her face, but we want her to tell us. I didn’t realize I fell asleep with Haley and Danielle in her bed until I felt someone cuddle up to me.
All three of us were huddled up together when I opened my eyes to look around the dark room with the moonlight shining through the window. I smile at the two sleeping girls and lay back down to fall asleep again.
