24 Years Later
, I forgot to take the pills again.
I grabbed my backpack from the ground next to my desk and headed for the door.
“And where are you going?” asked Professor Henslock.
“I need to use the bathroom quick,” I said.
“Same,” chimed my friend, Lori. I rolled my eyes, hoping she didn’t ruin it for me.
“That’s fine,” said Professor Henslock without another glance at us.
We walked out of the class and down the hallways.
“Why’d you do that?” I asked, exasperated with her. “He’ll think we’re messing around.”
“I was tired of listening to his boring ass,” she said, her blue eyes twinkling with mischief. She pushed open the bathroom door, her blond hair coming untied as she struggled with the heavy door. Placing my backpack on the sink, I rummaged for my pills. Finally, I pulled the bottle out. “Why do you have to keep taking that?”
“I’m not sure,” I said, opening the bottle. “I have to take it every day, or my mom would freak out. She said I needed to take it my entire life, and I’m not one to see what would happen if I didn’t.’ I usually didn’t take the pills in front of Lori due to her inquisitive nature, but it was an emergency.
“Wait,” she said, grabbing the bottle from me. “There isn’t a label or anything. What if you’re secretly psychotic? And if you stop taking it, you get admitted into a mental hospital?”
“What? It’s just vitamins,” I said, now a little worried. My parents had never explained to me what the pills were. When I tried to ask my mom once, she flipped out.
While Lori inspected the bottle, I tied my curly black hair into a high ponytail. I could see Lori smelling one of the pills from the side of my eye.
“Don’t take these,” she said. “Look how huge they are.”
“I have to take them,” I said, grabbing the bottle from her.
“At least ask your mom what they are first. Goodness, you’re always such a nerd. Following the rules 24/7,” she laughed.
‘I’m not,’ I said. ‘Girl, I don’t play with my life like that- especially since I’ve taken it since I was thirteen. So anyways, what’s new with you?’
‘My cousin is getting married this Saturday on a cruise ship. I was invited, but I’m not going without you.’
‘Yes, you can. It’s kind of last minute,’ I said.
“I know, I don’t want to go either, but it’ll look bad. My cousin said I could bring someone,” said Lori. “It’s an all-paid-for trip. Get out of Seattle and hang in the Bahamas for a couple of days.”
“I don’t know,” I said hesitantly. “But it sounds amazing.”
“It’s your parents, isn’t it?” she asked.
“I still live with them.”
“You’re twenty-four years old, for fuck’s sake,” said Lori, zipping up her lint-covered sweater and pushing up her large-rimmed purple glasses. “I’d appreciate it if you came with me. I can’t go alone.”
“I’ll think about it,” I sighed. I knew I wouldn’t hear the end of this until I complied. But I didn’t know how to approach this with my parents. They were super overprotective of me, and I wasn’t even allowed to go on field trips as a kid in the past. “How long is the cruise?”
“Like a week,” she said, smiling mischievously. “You might even meet a guy, and I’ll find myself a rebound boyfriend.”
I was never interested in dating my entire life. Whenever a guy asked me out, I’d find many different reasons not to be with him. It had to be a problem with me.
I was never turned on and didn’t know the feeling of that. I was just never horny for some reason.
“Yeah, like that’s gonna happen,” I said sarcastically, zipping up my backpack. “Let’s get back to class.”
When Lori left the bathroom, I poured one pill into my hand. It was a translucent pill with gray matter floating around. It looked pretty gross, and I started wondering what it really was.
I threw the entire thing into the trash.
I leaned against the sink, holding my head in my hands. I felt guilty, but I realized I needed to free myself. I hadn’t taken the pills in a few days, and nothing terrible happened.
Maybe I didn’t need these damn pills after all.
After a long day of classes, I was finally home.
I sat on the couch, slurping on noodles and watching a reality dating show. It always amazed me how people just fell in love with one another. I wanted that so badly. I’d sometimes cry if a date went particularly bad because I’d sabotage it. I’d make several excuses to guys I dated that we weren’t compatible or refused to go on a second date because there weren’t any sparks. I wanted those sparks.
I just didn’t feel anything toward anyone. Nothing sexual. But it didn’t stop me from watching and dreaming.
I’d probably get medical help for it in the future as soon as I moved out of my parent’s apartment.
The front door opened, and my parents walked in after their long shifts at Walmart. My dad stocked shelves, and my mother was a cashier. We lived in a small apartment with the bare necessities in life. Just a basic brown leather couch, a small coffee table my mom found at a thrift store, and a tiny rug so our feet wouldn’t freeze on the wooden flooring.
“Hello, daughter,” my dad’s voice boomed in the tiny apartment.
“Hey,” I said, my eyes back on the TV.
“Did you make dinner for us, too?” he asked.
I shook my head, my stomach already sinking at what would come next.
“If we had raised her on the island, she would have been disciplined,” my mom complained, walking to the kitchen. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her. Even trying to get a master’s degree in psychology wasn’t going to be enough.
I walked into the kitchen and set my bowl in the sink.
‘How were classes today?’
‘They were okay,’ I said vaguely, remembering throwing away the pills and hoping she couldn’t read the guilt on my face.
‘What do you mean, just okay?’
‘I’m not a kid, Mom,’ I said. ‘I’m twenty-four and don’t need to explain everything to you.’
There. I finally said it.
Maybe talking with Lori today pushed me over the edge.
‘Excuse me?’ my mom said, setting down the towel she was drying her hands on. ‘We raised you and tended to your every need.’
I sighed. She always played this game when I tried to gain a little bit of independence. I had to move out of here. There was no question about it now.
“I didn’t mean to have an attitude. I’m just trying to let you know, Mom.’
As my mom put a kettle of water on the fire, I noticed tired lines on her face. I wondered if she was tired of having a daughter and if she wanted me to move out, but never said so.
‘It’s okay,’ she replied.
‘I’m going out for a walk.”
“Okay,” said Mom, pushing her long braids out of her face.
I had to walk on eggshells all the time to gain her approval. I just wanted to be myself, leave college and do art. I couldn’t even imagine her disappointment if I told her that. I couldn’t afford to move out on my own, but I couldn’t wait for the day it happened.
I was wearing black jeggings so I wouldn’t be too cold out. It was February, but it was still quite chilly in Seattle.
I walked towards Lakeland Park at the end of the street but decided to go to the nearby gas station. It smelled like diesel. A man in a filthy white shirt was filling his gas take and picking his nose. I shuddered.
I walked inside the little convenience store, and the cashier greeted me with a nod. I noticed a tall man wearing a black hoodie grabbing water.
When I walked past him, I noticed when he turned to look at me.
I dodged past him without making eye contact and grabbed my favorite Cornnuts bag. Walking around the park and eating a snack was something I enjoyed to relieve some of the stress from my classes and my overbearing mother.
Grabbing a lemonade, I walked to the front, hoping I’d have enough cash. I’m pretty sure I did.
“It’ll be $5.59,” the cashier said in a bored voice, looking anywhere but at me. I pulled my wallet out of my pocket, counting how much I had. Shit, I was a dollar short.
“Can you take the lemonade off?” I asked.
“I got you,” said a deep voice from behind me.
I spun around, seeing the tall man I saw upon entering the store.
He had brown skin and a solid square-jawed face. He looked like he was in his late thirties with sideburns. But it was his eyes that caught my attention. His brown eyes were flecked with gold—nothing I had ever seen before.
He was fine as hell.
Immediately I felt my stomach clench in an unfamiliar way as we looked at each other. And a weird feeling of warmth zoomed into my lady parts. What the fuck was happening to me?!
“It’s okay,” I protested as the man swiped his card, paying for the entirety of the purchase. But it was too late now.
“It’s not a problem,” he said. His voice was powerful, projecting strength, which had a weird effect on my body. The cashier was also taken aback by his voice, judging by how wide his eyes went. This guy could be a spokesperson for a commercial.
“Thanks so much,” I said, grabbing my bag. We walked out of the convenience store at the same time.
“You’re welcome,” he said, his gaze holding mine for a brief second before I looked away nervously.
“Alright, see ya!” I said. I walked towards the desolate park, turning away from him.
I took a few deep breaths of the cold air, and tried to get my bearings.
There was a weird tingling between my legs, and I wondered if that’s how people felt when they were aroused. I got excited as I sat on the bench, cracking open my snack. Maybe I wasn’t broken after all.
Why had that man affected me like this? Out of all men?
It was odd, but it proved that nothing was wrong with me. I never got a period like other girls growing up. My mom wouldn’t explain what was wrong with me, except that I needed to stop panicking about going to the doctor. So naturally, I thought I was fine. But now I was doubting again.
I threw a few Cornnuts on the ground for the birds waddling around my bench. Then I stopped, wondering if they’d choke on them.
The back of my neck prickled like someone was watching me. I stood still for a moment.
I casually turned.
There he was. The hot man who paid for my snack. He was standing off to the side of the park, watching me with his intense gaze. And those gold-flecked eyes.
I felt uneasy but also crazily aroused. There was an invisible pull in my chest, tugging me towards him. Was I starting to go officially crazy?
I stood up, and he began walking towards me. I was starting to freak out. This is how girls got kidnapped and killed. I would be on the news tomorrow morning with the newscaster announcing my death.
But instead of running, I stood there like an idiot.
He stood on the other side of the bench, waiting to see if I’d run.
“What’s your name?” he asked. “I’m sorry, this is awkward, but I’m curious.”
I debated whether just to give him a fake name. But decided that was how I always ended up single and alone.
“Tiana. What’s yours?”
“That’s a pretty name. My name’s Grant,” he said, sticking his hand out. I shook his hand and could feel electric sparks going through me at the skin contact.
I quickly pulled my hand away, and I could swear I saw his mouth pull up in a small smile. Like he knew what he was doing.
Was he aware of the effect he was having on me? No, that was crazy.
“I have to go. Thanks again for paying for my things. If I see you again, I owe you,” I said, sidling away before he could rape and kill me in the woods.
“You don’t owe me anything,” he assured me. “But I’d like your number.”
Wow, he had no tact at all.
“Um, no, I have a boyfriend,” I said hastily. “Anyways, goodbye.”
I walked as fast as my short legs could carry me.
Quickly walking into the apartment building, I collapsed against the wall. My pulse was racing, and my mind was in a haze.
I looked back through the glass door, not seeing him anymore.
Taking a few deep breaths, I tried to calm down. But the hot sensation between my legs lingered.
