“Ugh, I totally failed calculus again,” I mutter. Kate loops her arm through mine and shakes her head.
“Let’s just wait for the results because you say this every time and you usually do really well.”
I shake my head and pout. “Not when it’s calculus.”
No matter how hard I try, I’m barely scraping by. Kate drags me to the picnic benches behind school and I follow listlessly. She stops all of a sudden and stares at one of the tables with such fascination that I can’t help but follow her gaze. I’m surprised when I find Asher at the receiving end of her interest. He and Carter are sitting at a table scattered with papers. I can tell from the way Carter grits his teeth he’s frustrated, so they’re probably working on their college essays. He’s incredible with scientific subjects, but he absolutely hates anything for which there is no one correct answer. Creative writing and essays are his nemesis and he’ll usually have his mom and me read over his essays multiple times before he’ll submit them. He looks ridiculously cute and my heart skips a beat as I try to drag my eyes away from him. I glance back at Kate, but thankfully she’s still too focused on Asher to have noticed my little slip.
“You like him,” I say. Her head whips towards me and she looks at me with wide eyes. “You like Asher, don’t you?”
Kate shakes her head. She looks conflicted and guilty as she looks away, unable to hold my gaze.
“You know I won’t tell Carter, right?” I say, my voice soft and kind. She looks up at me pleadingly and I can see internal torment flashing through her eyes. For a second she looks devastated.
“I know, Milly. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you or anything… I just didn’t know how to bring it up.”
I know all too well how she feels. I’ve been wishing I could talk to Kate about Carter because it just doesn’t feel right to keep it from her, and on top of that, I miss talking to her. There are so many things I would’ve loved to giggle and joke about with her, but I can’t — because it’s Carter.
“I tried not to, Milly, I swear. I’ve been staying away from him as best as I can and nothing is going on at all. I could never do that to Carter, you know. But I also can’t help how I feel. I’ll get over it at some point. Once Asher leaves for college, I’ll get over it for sure.”
I hesitate before I speak and turn towards her nervously. “I don’t think Carter would mind it that much, you know. He trusts and likes Asher, I doubt he can think of a better guy for you.”
She looks at me in confusion and shakes her head. “No way, Milly. He’d never be okay with it. That’s like you dating Carter. I’d never forgive either of you, so I just know my brother would be the same. He’d never forgive me. Besides, what if we dated and then broke up? I don’t want to be the reason things get awkward between Carter and Asher. Not that it could even work out with him going away and all.”
The reminder that Carter is going to college soon hurts. When he leaves, he’ll forget about me. I know he thinks he won’t, but I know what it’s like. I can barely even remember my mother, and I know she definitely forgot about me. If my own mother can forget about me, then Carter and I don’t stand a chance, especially because we aren’t even dating.
I nod and Kate tugs on my hand. “But we can hang out with them, right?” she whispers.
I laugh. “Of course, Kate. You don’t ever need an excuse to hang out with your own brother, you know.”
She looks up again as though she only just realized that Carter is there too, and I bite back my smile. Kate has been on dates before and she’s had crushes before, but this is the first time I’m seeing her act so flustered and cute. She tugs on my hand and leads me to the table, her palm clammy against mine. I can’t believe that she’s so nervous just walking towards Asher.
Carter looks up when we approach and his eyes roam over my body. I blush under his gaze and he smiles at me, making the butterflies in my stomach go wild. A single look from him has my heart beating in overdrive… it’s ridiculous.
“Hey,” he says. He takes his bag off the bench to create space for us and scoots closer to Asher. Kate’s smile drops a little, and I wonder if I should create an opportunity for her to sit next to Asher instead. Before I can do so, Carter pulls on my hand to get me to sit next to him. The edges of my lips tug up as I take a seat while Kate sits down next to me. Both of us take out our textbooks to study with the guys.
“How was your test?” Carter asks.
I groan and shake my head. “Don’t ask.”
Kate looks at us, her eyes moving from Carter to me, before settling back on her textbook. She purses her lips and looks away.
“How did you do, Kate?” Asher asks her. She looks up in surprise and smiles at him, and it isn’t until then I realize Carter asked me how the test went, but not her. She nods at Asher and smiles as she answers him.
Carter pushes his essay towards me and underlines a couple of phrases. “What do you think, Minx?”
He leans against me so that my shoulder is against his chest and I long to lean back against him, to be wrapped in his arms. I can barely focus as I read through his essay. My attention is shot entirely when Carter bursts out laughing and holds his phone up for me.
“Look at this,” he says. I stare at the Baby Yoda meme and shake my head. Carter loves everything Star Wars related and he’ll laugh at every single Baby Yoda meme he comes across.
“That’s not even funny,” I say, even though I’m smiling. It isn’t funny, but I can’t help but smile when he laughs like that.
Kate tries to look at his phone, but he doesn’t notice and pulls it back before she manages to take a look. Kate’s expression clouds over and she closes her book with force before shoving it into her bag and walking off. I jump up and run after her.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
She pauses and turns around to face me, her expression a combination of anger and sadness. “Why are you even following me? It’s not like you need me. Seems like Carter and you have plenty of fun and inside jokes together. It’s like I’m not even your best friend anymore. You two keep shutting me out and making me feel like I’m an outsider.”
I blink in disbelief and hold her by her shoulders. “Kate, what are you talking about? That’s not true at all. Of course you’re still my best friend.”
She looks away. “Milly,” she says. “I’ve told you I’m sorry, so why do you still punish me for what happened with Gabby?”
I let go of her, shocked. “What are you talking about?” I ask. “I didn’t do anything, Kate. It’s just that Carter and I became closer friends while you were friends with Gabby. You’d go out with her and you didn’t often invite me along so Carter would hang out with me instead. That’s all it is. I don’t really know what I’ve done wrong or how I can even fix it. What am I supposed to do, Kate?”
She shakes her head and lowers her eyes, but not before I catch a glimpse of the tears gathering. I always knew that I’d be hurting Kate if Carter and I got together. If she’s this hurt from me being close friends with him, which is all we’re trying to be, then she’d truly never get over it if he and I dated. It hurts to know that I’m causing her pain, yet I can’t help but still want Carter despite it.
“You haven’t done anything wrong, Milly. I’m just — I’m just jealous, I guess. That’s part of why I started hanging out with Gabby in the first place. I love you, Milly, but sometimes it feels like my family loves you more than they love me. You’re so close to Carter that it’s like you’re now his best friend instead of mine, and my mom always asks for you before she’ll ask for me. I know I’m being crazy but still…”
I nod and wrap my arm around her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Kate. I didn’t realize you felt that way. If you want, I can stop coming over so often? I don’t know.”
I sigh in relief when she shakes her head. “No, Milly. You’re part of our family. You always have been. It’s my fault that there’s so much distance between us and between me and my family. It’s because I let Gabby get between us, and I’ll work on fixing it myself. I just thought you should know how I’m feeling and why I sometimes get angry when you haven’t done anything. I know it’s not fair and I’ll work on it. Don’t you worry about it.”
I smile at her and nod. So long as Kate puts in even the slightest amount of effort, everything will fall back into place. I have full faith that it will.
