I’m anxious, and I hate that I am. I’ve barely heard from Carter in two weeks. If not for the things Kate mentioned, I wouldn’t even know if he settled in well or not. I type and retype a text over and over again.
Emilia: Hey, how are things going?
I wait for a reply anxiously. He doesn’t text back until an hour later. I can’t focus on class at all because all I do is glance at my phone.
Devil: Yeah, good. How are things at home?
I bite down on my lip and stare at my phone. He’s asking how things are at home, he’s not asking how I am. I don’t really know how to keep a conversation going with Carter these days. It was so effortless when he first moved away. We’d text all the time, and he’d video call me before bed every day.
Ever since that conversation we had about calling things off, he’s been distant. He’s kept his word, and he’s moving on. Part of me actually thought we’d stay close and that we’d still text all the time, but it’s quite the opposite. He barely texts and hasn’t called me once. I know I’m not his girlfriend, and I know I chose not to be, so I don’t have the right to complain about it, but still.
I’m filled with regret. Should I have said yes when he asked me to be his girlfriend? Would I be able to deal with the fallout that would definitely follow between Kate and me? Would I be able to live with the knowledge that I did the one thing Helen asked me not to?
Emilia: Yeah, things are good! 🙂 Send me some photos of your dorm! I heard you decorated it a bit?
Carter doesn’t reply again for another hour. I don’t get it — does he send one text and then immediately put his phone away? He always used to reply to me within seconds. I can’t help but overthink things. Eventually he texts me back.
Devil: Sorry, I’m so swamped with training and practice. My new coach is a lunatic. I barely have time to sleep between football and classes. I’ll send you some pics later.
Emilia: Okay, don’t overwork yourself! Speak to you later 🙂
I groan and drop my head to my desk. This is stupid. All my conversations with Carter are short and awkward. It’s usually me who’s reaching out, too. He warned me he’d move on and I thought I’d be okay with it, but I’m really not.
I sigh and start scrolling through my social media feed. I pause on a photo and stare at it with wide eyes, my heart sinking. Carter was tagged in a photo by some girl. His arms are wrapped around her and they’re clearly out somewhere since both of them have drinks in their hands. She’s smiling up at him and he’s grinning at the camera.
All those evenings I spent waiting for a call or a text, and he’s just been going out drinking and hanging out with other girls. I guess I only have myself to blame — he asked me to make things official, and I didn’t want to. He’s not mine. He’s not my boyfriend, and he doesn’t owe me anything, but it still hurts like hell.
I throw my phone in my bag when the bell rings. I feel stupid. I’m being stupid. Kate is already seated in the canteen and looks like she hasn’t slept in days. I guess Asher being gone is harder on her than she’s admitting.
“Hey,” she mutters listlessly.
“Hey, what’s up? You look like a zombie.”
She rolls her eyes and glares at me. “I just really miss Asher,” she says. “We said we’d stay friends and things have been going well. I speak to him all the time, but it isn’t the same. Asher and Carter have been going out almost every night with their new football team, and I hate it.”
I nod in understanding and take a bite of my food, barely tasting it. All I can think about is the photo I saw earlier. He seemed so close to that girl and the way she was looking at him… I can’t help but overthink it. When he said he’d move on, I naively thought he meant he’d forget about his feeling and we’d go back to being friends. I didn’t think he’d actually get with anyone else. He hasn’t so much as looked at anyone in as long as I can remember. The only time I’ve ever seen him do that was with Gemma, and I’m pretty sure he did that to make me jealous. This time, it doesn’t look like that’s his aim. It looks like he’s truly moving on, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
“Hey, you’re Emilia, right?”
I look up to find a guy I’ve never seen before standing in front of our table. I nod and he scratches his nose awkwardly.
“I’m Landon,” he says. I nod again. Landon shifts his weight from one foot to the other. “I just wanted to introduce myself. I moved here a few months ago. I noticed you on my first day here and I just haven’t been able to get you out of my mind. So, I finally worked up the courage to talk to you, but I don’t really know what to say. And I guess maybe… Do you think that maybe you could give me your number?”
I blink up at him. He’s rambling like crazy, but rather than being annoying, it’s kind of cute. My first instinct is to say no. Though Carter and I aren’t together, it still kind of feels like we are. But then I think back to how short he’s been with me recently and the photo I saw earlier today. He’s moving on, and I need to do the same. If I don’t, I’ll end up pining after him while he’s getting with one girl after the other at college.
I nod at Landon. “Yeah, I guess I could give you my number.”
Landon grins at me and fumbles around with his phone before finally handing it over. I type in my number and give myself a missed call before handing it back to him. He grins and puts his phone away. He’s surprisingly cute. He’s not hot like Carter is, but he’s good looking and a little dorky.
“I… uh, I will text you,” he says. He turns around and walks away, but he pauses two steps away from me and turns back. “Bye, Emilia,” he says. He turns around again and walks off in a rush.
Kate bursts out laughing. “That’s one thing I forgot about. With Carter gone, you might actually be able to date. Dude, you might not have to go to college still a virgin,” she says, elbowing me. I blush and shake my head. I feel bad for not telling her anything. She’s told me about every step she’s taken with Asher, but I’ve kept my own experiences a secret.
“Maybe,” I reply. I don’t really want to date. I just want Carter.
