I‘m done. I knew I was before the truth ever came out. This is no longer my home. It never truly belonged to me to begin with. I lived Carter Manolas’s life. I’m the one that should have been in that car, not him. Hell, the car accident never should have fucking happened. The minute I left Ellis’s place, I wanted to set the world on fire for the shit hand I had been dealt. I’ve always said my anger is my strength, though I know the world thinks it’s a weakness. It is never justified. It doesn’t solve anything, but it can destroy everything, and because I come from nothing, I’ll stop at nothing in my pursuit of vengeance.
It’s a given in this life that people will hurt you, but I’ve finally learned there’s more to my hurt and the anger that’s constantly simmering deep inside my soul. Hurt is inevitable. The difference is finding the people worth suffering for. I found those people, but now it’s time to let them go and save them from my destruction.
The opening of Blush was a few days ago. I know Ellis and Tatum both attended. It seems Ellis has forgiven his deceit, which doesn’t surprise me. Ellis has always been the levelheaded one, slow to anger and quick to listen. The man is nothing if not loyal, and when he loves, he loves with his whole damn heart. Tatum and Sayward’s tale was compelling, and I’m sure Tatum’s feelings for Vivian are real. I followed him long enough to witness that firsthand. Knowing all that I do now, looking back, it’s clear that he was torn between his feelings for her and avenging his truth.
While they were all moving forward as a family, I was on a mission to ensure it stayed that way. I’ve been on the outside looking in this entire time. It’s my anger and my hate that always wins. At the Estate, I wanted to believe that there was a place for me. I let myself stand at her side, I gave into my desires, and when she told me her darkness called to mine, my heart literally tethered itself to hers as she tamed my monster. But that’s the problem, it’s been the problem all along. At the end of the day, I’m still a monster. It’s why I’m leaving now. They are better off without me.
I needed to grab a few things from my room before I left town. I’m making a clean break. I’ll be gone before they ever notice. Ellis is at the club, and Vivian is at Blush, so I know I’ll get in and out without having to answer for anything. By the time they figure out what I’ve done, I’ll be gone.
Closing the door to the office that doubled as my bedroom, I walk down the hallway and stop when I reach the entrance to Vivian’s room. I look at the knob and consider opening the door just to smell her one more time. I want to commit her scent to memory and carry it with me for as long as I can, but just as I reach for the knob, Ellis says, ‘She’s not home.’ Damn it.
I should have known he’d haul ass home the second I used my fingerprint to open the door. ‘You missed the opening. We may not be talking, but you missed a big day for her. You can’t ever get that back.’
My hand clenches at my side as I close my eyes and consider taming my sharp tongue, but what would be the use? I don’t want Ellis to like me. He has no reason to anymore. We are not blood. I need him to hate me. To let me go. Turning around, I find his eyes and say, ‘I didn’t go because I’m done. I didn’t sign up for any of this shit. I never agreed to be your third wheel or whatever the fuck it is you want to call this. I came here to grab my things and leave.’
I start toward the door when he says, ‘You don’t get to leave. I won’t let you hurt her. Not now, not ever.’
‘You don’t get to make that choice, Ellis. We are not blood. She has you and Tatum.’
‘So that’s what this is about. Blood? You think I don’t still love you because Tatum is my blood. Are you conveniently forgetting that I’ve known for the past decade that you aren’t my blood, and I still gave you everything? Blood doesn’t make us brothers, Sebastian. Try loyalty, respect, and love. We are bonded. We’ve done life together from the beginning. I fucking raised you. You are mine.’ His voice raises an octave, highlighting his annoyance.
‘Those are really nice sentiments, but it doesn’t change the fact that I need to go.’ I turn on my heel and give him my back.
‘You can’t fucking leave. She’s pregnant.’
I’m not sure why he thought those words would stop me, but as I reach for the doorknob, I throw over my shoulder, ‘Congratulations, you’ll be a great dad. Have a nice life.’
‘We both know it’s not mine.’ I don’t say anything as I stand there glued to my spot, unsure of my next move. What the hell is he talking about? My cock has only been in her sweet pussy twice. Finally, when I don’t make a motion to move, he says, ‘It can’t be Tatum’s. They only started sleeping together a week ago.’
I pinch the bridge of my nose and attempt to connect the dots, and that’s when a memory of one of the last beatings Ellis took for me comes flooding back. It was the last summer we spent in the trailer park before he took me in the dead of night and we fled. Our dad came home from a night of drinking. When he couldn’t afford crack, he would drown himself in a bottle of vodka or gin, and the man was an angry bastard when he drank. Ellis and I were on the couch when he got home, and he started searching through all the cabinets, slamming each one when he found them empty. There was never any fucking food in our house. The only time I ate was when Ellis brought food home for me, and that was usually in our room, where we would hide the evidence in shopping bags and drop them out our window, only to throw away the bags the next day. But that night, he was convinced I had eaten the last can of baked beans he swore we had.
I had hit a growth spurt, and he didn’t like it. He stormed into the living room and grabbed me by my shirt, pinning me to the wall, ready to beat me bloody, when Ellis started yelling, ‘It wasn’t him, it was me,’ the problem was, Ellis was bigger than my dad. He couldn’t do to Ellis what he could do to me with his bare hands. So the asshole flipped over the wooden kitchen table in our double-wide and kicked off the leg before chasing Ellis down and beating him to a bloody pulp. I’ll never forget that beating because a neighbor called the cops on my father when he heard the screams coming from our trailer. Before the ambulance arrived, my father said, ‘You got beat up by a kid from school.’ He’d paused before pointing the bloody wooden leg at me and saying, ‘Or he’ll get it worse.’ That week Ellis was gone was the worst damn week of my life. When he returned home, he was black and blue from head to toe, and when I asked, ‘How bad is it?’ His response was, ‘Silver lining… I’ll never be able to bring anyone else into this shit existence of a life.’
When I turn, and my eyes meet his, he knows I remember, and fuck if that memory and all he’s done for me don’t hurt. It’s why I say, ‘Vivian doesn’t have to know.’
No sooner have the words left my mouth than her silhouette steps out from the hallway. The hallway that leads to only one room. The one room that is never open. Her eyes are glassy with unshed tears when she looks to Ellis and says, ‘How could you?’ Her voice breaks before she can get the rest out, and Ellis falls to his knees.
She takes off out the door, and I say, ‘Ellis, what the hell? What’s in that room?’
He shakes his head, and I see fear for the first time in my life. ‘Ellis?’ I yell, trying to snap him out of whatever hell he’s allowing to take over his mind, but he doesn’t speak. I’m torn between staying for him and running after the woman carrying my child.
‘Go…’ he croaks, ‘Please go after her.’
Damn it. I run out of the apartment and head straight for the stairs and start jumping over the rails, one floor at a time. My heart is racing, but I am determined to catch her before she can take off on her bike. I could have walked away, but that was before I saw her. When her eyes met mine, I didn’t see my revenge, anger, or hurt; I saw the woman I love. I fucking love her.
The second I burst through the doors and into the parking garage, I see her pulling on her helmet. Fuck no, she isn’t getting on that bike. ‘No,’ I yell across the parking garage, gaining her attention before adding, ‘If you run, we run together.’
Her lip trembles before she drops her head and straps her helmet. Fuck. She’s running, but not without me. I take off across the garage, determined to stop her before she can. She’s just mounted her bike and kicked up the stand when I throw my arms around her waist.
‘Let me go, Sebastian,’ she cries.
‘No,’ I growl through clenched teeth.
I more than hurt her with my words, and my actions haven’t been any better. I haven’t given her any reason to believe I want more, but whatever shards of my heart aren’t blackened belong to her.
‘You’ll let me go, just like you’ve always done. I don’t need you, Sebastian. Just fucking leave.’
‘You’re right. You don’t need me, and you’d probably be better off without me, but I need you.’ I feel the tension in her body slowly ease, and my heart stops racing just a little, knowing that my words meant something to her. It’s then that I know I have to give her everything. ‘You want to run. Let’s run, but I’m driving.’
‘Why did you bring me here?’ She asks as she pulls off her helmet and dismounts the bike. I don’t get off the bike. Instead, I stay glued to my spot as I stare at the charred slab of concrete that used to house the double-wide trailer that plays a starring role in all my nightmares. The only reason it was never replaced with another trailer is no one wants to move to this godforsaken shithole of a town. The place is practically all but forgotten anyway. I watch as she walks up to the slab and nudges a few pieces that have started to crumble away with her shoe.
‘I’m in love with a girl who doesn’t know I’m a monster—but not the kind that hides under your bed or haunts your dreams. I’m the kind that can be tamed, and that’s the worst kind because, in the end, I’m still a monster.’
The wind catches her hair and whips it hard as her eyes pierce my soul. I just told her I loved her. She’s the first person I’ve ever uttered the words to, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. All I know is I feel sick. The bile rises in my throat as the contents in my stomach threaten to come up. I cough into my elbow to stave off the impending need to lose it.
Before I know it, she’s standing next to me. ‘I guess it’s a good thing I’m not scared of the monsters I can see, only the ones that live in my head.’ Fuck. I pull her into me and hold her tight. I never want to let her go, but I will for the moment, because she needs to know. She needs to hear my truth.
‘The trash that raised me didn’t burn alive by accident. My parents burned alive because I made it so.’
‘What,’ she murmurs against my chest before pulling back to look me in the eyes, ‘What do you mean you ‘made it so?”
Thunder rumbles through the grey skies overhead, and I say, ‘We need to leave before it starts raining. I don’t want to be stuck here.’
‘Please.’ Her fists tighten their hold on my shirt. ‘Please tell me, Sebastian. No more secrets. I don’t think my heart can handle anymore.’
Her words remind me that I still don’t know what she saw in that room today. I don’t know how Ellis, of all people, managed to hurt her. Regardless, I had no plans of hiding this from her. It’s why she’s here now, but I understand why she can’t wait.
‘I wished for my parent’s death for most of my life, and I remember cursing god for taking Milo instead of them. Out of all the people to lose their lives to drugs, why him when our parents were beyond horrid? I couldn’t understand it. I prayed for their death. Who prays for that type of end, no matter how horrible life is? We are told to pray for our enemies, but I never could. It’s probably why god cursed me instead, because the last year we lived here, I was subjected to their cruel and violent treatment. Things took a darker turn than I ever could have imagined.’
I pause and pull in a deep breath, collecting myself to speak the words I’ve refused to accept for the past fifteen years. The words that turned me into the vile, disgusting disgrace of a monster I am today.
‘The last year we lived in this hellhole, the man I believed to be my father lost his job. He had finally fucked up enough that he couldn’t even keep his job riding on the back of a trash truck. Food stamps can’t buy drugs, and the money my mother was making as a night janitor for the hardware store in town was just enough to pay for this godforsaken hobble we called home. I remember being in my room and hearing yelling from the living room. The fighting was nothing new. I knew better than to come out, but I didn’t have to come out that day. The fighting came to me. My door was kicked in, and my dad’s piece of shit dealer stood in its place, gun in hand, and said, ‘Get on your knees, boy. Your dad doesn’t have the money to pay for the drugs he snorted last night, so I’ll take it out of you.”
‘Sebastian, oh my god.’ Her arms wrap around my chest, and she holds me tighter than anyone ever has in my whole life. I can feel her anguish, her heartache, and the grief she feels for the boy who lived in this hell, but I refuse to have her pity. So as she holds me tight, I finish my story.
‘The day I turned sixteen, Nico took me to buy a car after passing my driving test. That same afternoon, I made the drive here. I parked my car a few blocks over, then sat in the woods and waited. Like clockwork, around 10pm they shot their last hits for the night and passed out within the hour. That night, I snuck into the trailer and staged it to look like two meth addicts set fire to the place cooking their drugs. I stayed and watched as the place went up in flames, and all the neighbors came out to bear witness to the fire that consumed their pitiful existence. Someone eventually called the fire department, but no one went in that trailer to try and save them. They weren’t worth saving.’
Her hold on me loosens, but she doesn’t let me go, and it’s the best feeling in the world. I just gave her a piece of my despicable black heart, and she’s still here. She’s not running, but in the recesses of my mind, I can only wonder what made her run from Ellis. What could be worse than this?
‘Does Ellis know about any of this?’ she questions, her eyes filled with concern.
I shake my head. ‘No. He saved me so many times. He sacrificed more than anyone should, and I didn’t want him to think it was for nothing.’ I let my eyes trail over the spot that had housed the trailer once more before adding, ‘He doesn’t know that I caused the fire. The authorities never questioned it. They were glad to be rid of the pathetic trash that stained the town. One less domestic violence call, one less noise ordinance violation, but most of all, one less drug addict on the streets peddling and begging.’
A drop of rain falls on my forehead, and I say, ‘Come on. We got to get out of here.’
She nods in agreement before leaning in to place a chaste kiss on my mouth. ‘You’re not a monster. Good people do bad things; it only makes you human. None of us are without sin.’
Without another word, she throws on her helmet and mounts the bike behind me, but the way she holds me a little tighter confirms that this woman doesn’t just love me. She fucking owns me. I’ll do anything for her.
There is no way we are going to miss this rain, and I don’t care to run into anyone that knew me in this shithole town. So, before I reach the main road that leads back to the interstate, I make a slight detour and head toward the old bridge. I used to spend hours sitting under this bridge, skipping rocks, dreaming myself a better fucking life to escape the hell I was forced to endure at home.
We reach the timber-truss bridge with roof and siding right before the sky lets loose. I shut off the bike and listen to the rain as it pounds down onto the old, red roof. I’m actually surprised this bridge is still standing. The town never spent money fixing it because it leads to a forgotten cemetery that holds the graves of people no one cares to remember.
I feel Vivian release me to step off the bike, but the second her foot hits the ground, I pull her back to me, catching her off guard and making her drop her helmet. Her eyes are wide with surprise, and she looks so fucking beautiful it hurts, but I have to ask, ‘Did you mean what you said back there?’ I gave this woman the darkest parts of my soul. I need to know, ‘You don’t believe I’m a monster.’
‘No, I don’t see a monster.’ She cups my face, gently rubbing her thumb over my cheek before saying, ‘I never have. A hardened heart, maybe. A black soul, probably, but I know that a black soul is not born. It was burned.’
My hand wraps around the back of her head, and I pull her mouth to mine in a searing kiss, marking her as mine. This woman accepts the parts of me I hate and forgives the parts of me that are unforgivable, and while she hasn’t said it, there can only be one reason why. She loves me, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let her go.
When I pull her closer to deepen our kiss, her hands wrap around my neck, and every hair on my body stands at attention from just her touch. My body inherently takes note of its new master, the woman who owns my heart. Fuck. I reach for her thigh to pull her leg over to sit with me. I want to hold her and kiss her for hours. I want everything I’ve never had. She straddles my lap, her lips never leaving my own, when she grinds her pussy against my cock, only releasing my mouth to say, ‘Sebastian, I need you.’ She rocks her hips into me, and my cock twitches against my zipper.
I’ll never refuse her. God knows I want her just as much. I want to fuck her hard from behind, the way I’ve dreamt of for months, and watch as her ass bounces from the force of my thrusts, knowing she can more than take it, but it’s that same thought that reminds me why we’re here at all.
I kiss her lips once before asking, ‘Are you really pregnant?’ My hands instinctively reach for her waist, and she nods, but her expression seems unsure, so I add, ‘I want this baby, Vivian. I can’t promise I won’t mess up, but I’ll try every day to be the best damn father I can be. I swear it.’ My hands move to her face and I place my forehead against hers. ‘Please tell me you’re keeping it.’
The uncertainty on her face moments ago gave me pause. It made me think that she was questioning keeping it. After all, she did find out it’s mine and not Ellis’s. Maybe I’m not worthy.
‘Sebastian, I fell in love with this baby the second I knew it existed. I’m keeping my baby. I just…’
She trails off and closes her eyes, and I know without words what’s causing her distress. ‘Look at me, Vivian. Open those pretty eyes and hear my words.’ She pulls in a stuttered breath before pinning me with a wary glare. ‘I’m all in. Whatever that looks like. We’ll figure it out—’ My words are cut short when her mouth lands on mine, and she pulls me close, her tongue diving deep, exploring her territory.
Her hands roam down my chest until they find the waist of my jeans, where they tug lightly in question, and when she meets no resistance, she unbuttons them. Her hand instantly wraps around my length, and she smiles before asking, ‘Do you ever wear underwear?’
‘Not when I’m charming a vipera with a greedy pussy. Now, pull those shorts to the side and sit on my dick.’
She stretches her legs out, finding her rear pegs to push herself up before pulling her ripped-up, barely-there jean shorts to the side. There will be discussions about her clothing, but not right now, not when it’s currently hot as fuck, and for my eyes only. Her hand wraps around my cock as she lines me up, bringing my tip to her entrance before slowly sinking down. ‘Fuck, yes,’ she hisses as her body trembles slightly. That’s new, and I go rigid.
‘What was that? This isn’t hurting the baby, is it?’
She smiles—she fucking smiles—as if this isn’t completely serious before sliding up and back down, loosening herself up. ‘No, you can’t hurt the baby, Sebastian. I’m just really fucking horny. I need you.’
I think I’ve heard that. My lead bouncer at the club has a pregnant wife at home. He said she can’t get enough of his cock this pregnancy. I only remember the conversation because he said that’s why he thinks he’s getting a boy this time. During the first pregnancy, she didn’t want to be touched.
‘Take it. Ride me, mia vipera.’
I keep my feet firmly on the ground, my legs locked, as she brings her hands to my shoulders and starts to ride me hard. Her pussy is so wet and swollen it feels like fucking heaven, but I need more. I reach for the hem of her shirt and start to pull it off, and I’m met with no resistance. In the next second, I have her bra unsnapped and one of her perfect tits in my mouth.
‘Mmm,’ she moans as I suck and knead while she keeps her pace.
‘I thought you didn’t like my bee stings?’ she mocks as I take the other one into my mouth and suck hard for her smart mouth.
‘You know I more than liked these perfect tits. I love them. I only hated you for taunting me with them.’
‘So you don’t need to mark them?’ she asks as she slams down hard.
That’s when it hits me. She expects the pain; I’ve more than given it to her in spades every time we’ve fucked, but that was before. ‘I don’t need to mark you. My mark is growing inside your womb.’ I kiss her shoulder where the marks from my teeth have scarred her, and she moans deeply before slowing her pace and letting my tip tease the spot deep inside. I’ve never given a woman control during sex and fuck me if letting her take me exactly how she wants me isn’t the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. Her pussy starts to strangle my cock, and I know she’s close.
I release the hold I’ve had on her hips to keep her steady, only to wind my hand through her hair and pull her head back so that her eyes are on me when I say, ‘I want your eyes on me when you come all over my cock.’
Her eyes stay pinned to mine for the briefest of seconds before they close, but before I can get mad, she bites the corner of her lip to hold back a smile and I know exactly what she wants. My girl likes a little pain with her pleasure. ‘If you wanted my hand wrapped around that pretty little throat, all you had to do was ask, but since you want to play games, I can’t promise it won’t hurt.’
I let my hand skate between her breasts with the gentlest touch before striking her neck hard. Her pouty lips part on a gasp as her eyes snap open to focus on mine. The harder I squeeze, the tighter her pussy clenches my dick. ‘That’s it, my little vipera, choke my cock.’
Her pussy starts to spasm, and her body goes limp. I immediately release her throat, thinking I went too far, but her mouth lands on mine, and she kisses me deeply. Her hands tangling in my hair as a low moan rumbles up through her chest as she slowly rocks against me, milking my cock with her orgasm. Knowing that she’s more than okay, I grab her ass and push back up into her hard, finding my own release, as she rides out the aftershocks of her orgasm. As we come down from our shared release, she pulls back and pins me with her big brown eyes and says, ‘I see your light, and I love your dark, every beautifully broken part. You’re mine, Sebastian Lykos.’
And for the first time in my life, I’m speechless. I never thought that the bridge I spent summers under wishing for a better life would ever grant my wish, but here I am in the middle of the pouring rain, having the best sex of my life, with the girl of my dreams carrying my baby.
Maybe she was right after all, and I wasn’t born a monster. Maybe my heart was never truly black. Instead, it was burned, because the man I believed myself to be could have never found this.
‘Can we go to a hotel just for one night? I swear I’m not running. I’m just not ready to go back.’
We just returned to the condo after our trip to the shithole that Ellis and I used to call home, and she refuses to let me go and climb off the bike. The truth is, I want nothing more than to do exactly what she’s asking and have her all to myself for the night. Fuck, I almost feel like it’s owed to us after everything we went through to get to this moment, but I’ve also never seen my brother so fucking broken the way he was when I ran out the door today. I don’t know what she saw in that room. I’ve never been in it, but I know whatever it was hurt two people I love deeply, and it can’t go on ignored.
‘Have you been in that room? Did you know what was in there?’
I unlatch her fingers from around my waist to lace them through my own before answering. ‘I have never been in that room, but Vivian, whatever you saw brought one of the strongest men I know to his fucking knees. I know you’re hurt, but I think he’s hurting more. He would never intentionally hurt you.’
She’s quiet for a moment while I brush my thumb over the back of her hand, trying to calm her nerves. I wish like hell I knew what was behind that door. I’ve considered asking Vivian what she saw. I want to have the answers for her, to take away the pain, but my gut tells me, like me, Ellis has his own demons that only he can answer for.
We’ve just reached the front door when she says, ‘Thanks for convincing me to come back here tonight. You know, for someone hellbent on painting himself into being the bad guy, you’re not really that bad once you peel back the layers.’
I pull her into my arms, catching her off guard, and her eyes widen. ‘Not true. I’m your worst fucking nightmare, but even my dark shines for you.’ I grab her ass hard before kissing her forehead and saying, ‘Let’s go in.’
But as soon as the door opens, I regret my choice of bringing Vivian back. The place is completely destroyed. I hold her hand tight, keeping her close to my body, unsure of what we’ve just walked into. This is not typical Ellis behavior. I’ve never seen him lose control like this. Just as I take a step into the condo, glass crunches under my foot, and when I look down to see what it is, my heart fucking breaks.
It’s a picture of Ellis with his arms wrapped around a pregnant woman. Her hands are resting on top of his, and she’s wearing a massive rock on a significant finger. Fuck.
