I had been severely neglecting my social media, which was a bad call on my part, considering that it was the foundation of my entire career.
I didn’t have a degree to back me up, or any formal training—all I had was my portfolio, and that was housed on my social pages.
It was Friday. I told Evan I needed to catch up on content, emails, and some admin work this morning, and he was happy to handle everything at the job site for the day. Baby Blue, I thought. I couldn’t believe Wes had been sitting on that for months—maybe even years.
It just fit the house. I loved it.
I was sitting at the kitchen table at the Big House with my phone, laptop, and iPad, firing on all cylinders. So far, I’d caught up on stories for the past week and edited three videos to post. I’d also edited a few photos and written some captions. Honestly, I hadn’t captured as much as I normally did, but luckily, Evan had been working with me long enough that he had known to snap some photos and film some videos that I could use.
It was coming easily right now. That’s what happened when I was in the middle of a project. Content got so much easier because my creativity was flowing freely. I felt like I couldn’t be stopped.
When I didn’t have a project, content was tedious—a chore that I loathed—so I made sure to soak in how I was feeling about it right now.
It was also a great way for me to avoid looking at my email inbox. The way I saw it, I was still working, still being productive, so it didn’t count as procrastination.
Sound logic, in my opinion.
It took me another two hours to set up enough content for the next two weeks, but once it was done, I felt lighter than I had this morning. That was the good news.
The bad news was that now that it was done, I didn’t have an excuse to neglect my email. I looked at the clock on the oven. It was just past ten. I poured myself another cup of coffee, took a deep breath, and opened my email on my laptop.
I had a few from Evan, who just forwarded expenses or other information. Easy—I sorted those into their proper folder. There were a lot from brands who were interested in my using their products in the homes I designed, which was exciting, but then I saw an email with the subject “Job Inquiry—Tucson, Arizona.” I opened it tentatively.
Hi Ada,
My name is Irie Fox, and I’m writing to you from sunny Tucson, Arizona. First, I want to say that I’m a huge fan of your work! I’ve been following your Instagram since the beginning, and it’s been so cool to watch you evolve. I am especially impressed with the scope of the project you’ve recently taken on at Rebel Blue Ranch in Wyoming. I’ve never been to Wyoming, but following along with your reno has made me feel like that’s a mistake I need to remedy immediately.
Anyway, long story short, I’ve recently come into ownership of a small bed-and-breakfast. It’s got charm and good bones. I really believe it could be something great, but I need someone to help me get there. I think you would be a perfect fit!
Are you open to jobs right now? I’m hoping to get started at the beginning of August. If you are interested, please let me know a good time for us to set up a call.
Warmly,
Irie
This email should’ve made me happy. It was the exact result I was hoping for when I took the job at Rebel Blue.
So why did I feel like someone had just doused me with a bucket of ice water?
I closed my laptop immediately. I didn’t want to deal with that right now. I still had a few weeks left at Rebel Blue. A few weeks left to figure out what was next.
A few weeks left with Wes.
That thought turned my heart into broken glass, and the shards started poking at my chest. Don’t think about it, Ada. Don’t think about what it’s going to feel like to leave him.
God, I was so stupid.
I drew a line with him when I got here. I had a plan. I had dreams, and I didn’t want to derail them for anyone. Wes respected that, he gave me my space, he didn’t try to make a move until I stepped up to the line.
And now that line was obliterated. The boundary was crossed, and we couldn’t take it back. And I didn’t want to.
I had no idea where that left me or my dreams when this was all over.
Fuck, I needed some fresh air. I slid on some beat-up boots that were sitting by the back door. They fit me, so they had to be an old pair of Emmy’s. I walked out the back door of the Big House, which I’d done only a few times before, and started walking the path that led from the back porch.
My head was spinning, and I kept walking, with no idea of where I was going, but I couldn’t be still right now. Being still would make me feel stuck, and feeling stuck was something I never wanted to feel again.
I came to a fork in the path. I looked down the path to the right and saw a small cabin at the end, so I took the one to the left.
As I walked, my head started to feel fuller and fuller and I felt off-balance. I had to stop. I squatted, wrapped my arms around my knees, and tucked my head between them.
I stayed like that until I heard a voice.
“Ada?” It was Emmy. “Are you okay?” I could hear her boots getting closer to me on the dirt.
“I’m fine,” I said, but I didn’t lift my head. I felt Emmy crouch next to me. She put her hand on my hair and started to smooth it. I didn’t stop her or move away.
“You look fine,” she said sarcastically, but worry laced her tone too. “Totally normal for someone to be curled into a ball on the path down to the stables on a Friday morning.” Emmy’s hand on my hair was more soothing than I thought it would be. Emmy was nurturing. It wasn’t a strength that I had, but it was one I was starting to admire in other people.
For the past year, I’d been so focused on being strong. That’s what everyone told me I needed to be. “Be strong and you’ll get through this,” they said. It wasn’t until I came to Rebel Blue and spent time with other women that I realized that softness was a strength too—one that Emmy had in spades.
Being around Emmy, Teddy, and Cam made me wonder why I’d spent my life thinking that I could be only one thing.
I stayed quiet and let Emmy stroke my hair. I needed to be weak—just for a minute.
When I lifted my head, Emmy was looking at me with concern. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Not really,” I said.
Emmy nodded. “Luke and I started this thing after we moved in together last year. Both of us were dealing with a lot of shit that we needed to sit with. So we said if there’s something that’s bothering one of us, and we’re not ready to talk about it, it’s okay to not want to talk about it right now, but we pinky-swear to talk about it eventually.” Emmy held up her pinky. “Pinky-swear you’ll talk about it eventually,” she said.
We locked pinkies.
“We usually seal it with a kiss, but I won’t make you do that.” That made me smile.
“Do you want to be alone?” Emmy asked.
“I don’t know,” I said honestly.
Emmy looked at me thoughtfully, like she understood what I was saying even though I didn’t even understand what I was saying. “Well, I’m headed down to the stables. Fancy a ride?”
“Like on a horse?”
“Yeah, like on a horse,” she laughed.
“I—I’ve never been on a horse,” I said—not even a pony at the fair or anything.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got just the horse for you,” Emmy said. “And I promise, it’s much harder for your worries to fill up your head when you’re riding through a place like Rebel Blue.” She looked up at the sky—big and blue—and smiled. “How about it?”
I chewed the inside of my lip. “Sure,” I said. This felt like as good a way as any to get my mind off Tucson.
“Excellent,” Emmy said. She stood, and so did I. We walked side by side down to what Emmy called the stables, but my mental image of stables and where I was standing now were very different. This felt like the five-star hotel of stables. I felt like I could live in here. Emmy walked down the row of stalls and opened one. She went inside and reappeared a moment later with a horse behind her.
“This is Maple,” she said. She brought the horse over by me and secured her to ties that were hanging from the wall. “She’s my angel.” Maple nuzzled Emmy’s neck and then went for Emmy’s pocket. “Oh, I get it,” Emmy said to her. “You want to butter me up with affection so I’ll give you a treat.” Emmy pulled something out of her pocket and fed it to Maple.
Maple was chestnut-colored. Her coat was very shiny. I didn’t know much about horses, I found them terrifying, but I did love animals and knew that a shiny coat was generally a good sign of a healthy one. “And I’m going to get Moonshine. You’ll ride her today.” Emmy walked into another stall, and Maple stared at me.
I stared back.
Emmy returned another minute later with Moonshine. She was light and speckled. When I saw her, the first thing I thought was that she looked wise. Her nose was kind of gray, like a dog’s muzzle when they get older, but what struck me most about Moonshine was her eyes. They were soft and kind and knowing.
“Moonshine is a good horse for beginners,” Emmy said. “She likes to take care of people.” She scratched behind Moonshine’s ears. “Do you want to pet her?” Emmy asked, and surprisingly, I nodded without a second thought.
I approached Moonshine slowly. I was about to reach my hand out but stopped to look at Emmy, who nodded, giving me the go-ahead to continue. I put my hand on Moonshine’s snout. It was surprisingly soft. “Here,” Emmy said, handing me one of the treats she had in the pocket of her jeans. “Lay your hand flat when you give it to her.”
I did as she said, and Moonshine ate the treat off my palm. Her tongue was the weirdest thing I’d ever come in contact with. The sensation made me laugh.
Then Emmy handed me a brush and said, “Follow my lead.” I watched how she brushed Maple and tried to do the same with Moonshine.
“Wes said you give riding lessons?” I asked. “And do horse training?”
Emmy nodded. “Yeah. I haven’t been doing it very long here. I moved home from Denver last July. I told myself it was temporary, but obviously it wasn’t.” She smiled to herself as she brushed Maple’s coat. “I started doing the lessons in November and just took on some horse training clients from my dad at the beginning of the year.”
I didn’t know Emmy had come back to Meadowlark—I’d assumed that she had always been here. I couldn’t imagine Rebel Blue without Emmy, and I didn’t even know her that well.
“And you and Brooks?” I had noticed that only Emmy called him Luke. “How long have you guys been together?”
Emmy smiled. “Since I moved home, I guess,” she said.
“You didn’t date before?” I asked, confused. The way those two interacted, I would’ve thought they’d been together forever—even though I vaguely remembered Dusty being surprised that they were an item.
She shook her head. “No, Luke and I didn’t get along very well growing up. When I moved back here, I hadn’t seen him for more than five minutes in nearly ten years.” She started cleaning out Maple’s hooves with a stick thing as she spoke. “I came home under less-than-ideal circumstances, but I’d do it all over again to be with him.”
“Is it weird?” I asked. “To look back and know that you were so close to your soulmate your entire life without knowing it?”
Emmy moved over to Moonshine and started cleaning her hooves, but she looked at me with a big smile as she said, “Luke Brooks is without a doubt the love of my life, but my soulmate has always been Teddy Andersen.”
“That’s fair,” I laughed, despite the pang of jealousy in my chest. I didn’t have a friend that I could say that about.
Emmy straightened and went for the saddles hanging on the wall. I had no idea it took this much effort to saddle a horse. I thought it was just a throw-it-on-and-go situation. Emmy worked in silence for a few minutes, and after she got the saddles on, she unhooked each horse from the ties that were holding them and said, “We’ll mount outside. You can take Moonshine’s reins. She’ll follow you.”
Emmy picked up a large block in one hand and grabbed Maple’s reins with the other and started walking Maple toward the stable door. I followed with Moonshine.
Once we were outside, Emmy set the block on the ground, and Moonshine walked toward it. “This is a mounting block,” Emmy said. “It just makes it easier to get in the saddle—gives you a little more height than being on the ground.”
“Do I just like…stand on it? Or use it as a step?”
“You’ll stand on it.” I did as she said. “Now put your left foot in the stirrup—nice boots, by the way—good, put one hand on the horn—that’s that little knob—and one on the back of the saddle—yep—and then you’ll push off your right foot and swing it over the saddle.”
“I feel like that sounds easier in theory,” I said shakily.
“If you can get on a bike, you can get on a horse,” Emmy said. “I promise.” I tried to think of the last time I’d been on a bike but was coming up blank.
“You’ve totally got this,” Emmy said. “Do you want a countdown? Sometimes that helps.” I nodded. I would take anything at this point. “Remember, just push off your right foot and swing your leg over.” I nodded again. “Okay, three…two…one…go!” On Emmy’s mark, I pushed off the block with my right and swung.
A little too hard.
I made my way over the saddle but had so much momentum that I started going over the other side. I thought I was going down, but Emmy ran around and pushed me back upright.
And now I was on a horse.
“Good,” Emmy said with a laugh. “That was quite the leg swing!”
“Sorry,” I said sheepishly.
“No, it was good, honestly. I would’ve felt bad if you’d fallen, but I like the zeal.” Zeal, I thought. That feels like a compliment.
“Any advice?” I asked.
Emmy smiled wide and said, “Keep a foot on each side and your mind in the middle.” I didn’t know if that was helpful or not.
Emmy went over to Maple and put my mount to shame. Everything she did around the horses was so effortless. The first time I saw Emmy, I thought she looked free, and she did, but out here, with the horses, she didn’t just look free, she was free.
“Moonshine will follow Maple, but she’s neck-rein, so if you need to steer her, just pull her reins in the direction you want to go,” Emmy said. I nodded.
Maple started walking, and Moonshine followed. Holy shit, this giant animal was moving. And I was moving with her.
Holy shit.
Moonshine kept her head and neck beside Maple’s haunches, so she was neither behind her nor beside her—just near her.
“So,” Emmy called back to me after we’d been walking for a bit. “How much longer do you have on the renovation?”
“A few weeks,” I said. “Everything is starting to come together, but the last few weeks are always the hardest. There’s a punch list of a million little things.”
“That makes sense,” Emmy said. “This is your first project on this scale, right?”
Ugh. “Yeah, it is. In San Francisco, I mostly did houses, or rooms in houses, but I did do a coffee shop once.”
“Do you think you’ll go back to San Francisco?” Emmy asked. It was an innocent question. It was natural to the conversation, but it still made my throat tighten.
“No,” I said honestly. Emmy was quiet, probably waiting for me to elaborate. “I took this job for a new start. I just wanted a chance to chase my dreams.” It felt like I was chasing so much more than that now. “I have some debt on an apartment, but I’ll be able to pay it after this, and that’s the last tie I need to sever.”
“It’s funny,” Emmy said. “I get what you’re saying. I came to Meadowlark for a fresh start too.” The difference between Emmy and me, though, was that she could stay.
“Wes said Meadowlark was known for the pie, but maybe it should be known for the fresh starts,” I joked, trying to avoid getting deeper into this conversation. Our horses were walking along a trail that led into some trees up ahead.
“He is very fond of the pie.” Emmy nodded ahead of me. “He’s very fond of you, too, you know.”
I stayed quiet for a minute before I whispered, “I’m very fond of him too.”
At first, I didn’t even know if Emmy could hear me, but then she said, “Is that why you were curled up like a dead bug earlier today?”
“How did you know?” I sighed.
“Lucky guess,” she said.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I hope this isn’t weird for me to talk to you about because he’s your brother, but I think he’s great—really fucking great—but I don’t know where we can go.”
“Is there a reason it has to be about where you can go instead of where you are?” Emmy asked.
“I can’t feel stuck again,” I said. “I’ve been married, I tried the love thing, I was desperate for it. I still dream about it, but I made myself so small that I didn’t know who I was anymore.” Once I started talking, I couldn’t stop. “And now that I’ve kind of figured it out, I’ve realized that I’m not the type of person everyone likes. I’m the type of person everyone tolerates.” I let out a deep breath. “And I’m fine with that, I like who I am, but if I figured that out, it’s only a matter of time before Wes does.”
I hated how scared I sounded.
Emmy looked back at me. “If you like who you are, why is it so hard to believe that other people do too?” She turned forward again, leaving me to think about what she’d said.
I didn’t have an answer.
The silence that stretched between Emmy and me wasn’t awkward. It was contemplative. Was this what it was like to have a friend? To have someone you could talk to, who could push you and make you think? To have someone who cared about you enough to do that?
I looked around at the scenery we were passing. When I got to Rebel Blue, it wasn’t winter, but there were patches of snow. Now Rebel Blue was lush and green. I loved the way the pine trees looked pressed up against the sky.
Being on a horse wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be—probably because Moonshine and Emmy were doing all the work. I just had to sit here, but I didn’t think that I would mind learning how to do it on my own at some point.
“Ada,” Emmy said after a while, “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I need to ask you for a favor.”
“Okay,” I said tentatively.
“I don’t want this to come off the wrong way, because you and Wes are grown-ups, and I am desperately trying not to meddle, but…” I heard her take a deep breath. “Don’t treat him like your final destination if he’s just a pit stop. I don’t think he’d recover from that.” She didn’t look back at me, so she couldn’t see me when I nodded.
I didn’t think I’d recover from that either.
