I balled up the piece of paper in my hand as I opened the door to the house, trying desperately to keep my emotions in check. This should not break me. It was just a stupid prank. Lyss and Laura are just my roommates. They aren’t friends. I wish I had said that to myself before ever agreeing to be a part of their stupid games. I hardly knew them, yet my need to be liked by them overruled my need for self-preservation. Their laughter echoed down the hall and I found myself stomping into the kitchen.
‘No. No. This is the best part.’ Lyss snorted as she paused the video. They were huddled over her phone and I knew exactly what they were looking at. ‘Watch Adam’s face when she bends forward.’ Laura leaned in closer, the noise of the video took over the room as they laugh like hyenas. At me. Holding my lips together, I closed my eyes, trying to suppress my rage.
Too engrossed in the video, they didn’t notice me entering the room or standing there for several minutes waiting for them to turn off the replay of my biggest humiliation. After another fit of giggles, I threw my fist down onto the table with the balled-up piece of paper. ‘That’s enough.’ I roared, clearly not keeping my anger in check. ‘Did you know there are wanted posters around campus?’ I pushed forward the piece of paper so they could see the screwed-up picture with my bunny-clad face on it. It’s a new game around campus, people are trying to find out who the bunny is. My mother would be mortified if she found out this is what my college experience amounted to. Laura and Lyss look up at me with gaped mouths. No doubt they’re surprised by my outburst, but they weren’t the ones who had to wear that stupid costume. They weren’t the ones humiliated for nothing. That’s right. FOR NOTHING. Turned out when Lyss got the phones she didn’t consider that they’d have passcodes or face recognition to access them which meant we had to give them back. No prank whatsoever. Therefore, everything I did was for nothing. Except for my embarrassment.
‘Reign, I -‘ Laura started, her breath slightly caught.
I raised my hand. Birthday Sex continued to play in the background, taunting me with its undulating tones. I can’t count the number of times the video of me dancing from every angle has been reposted online. ‘Save it. I don’t want to hear your apologies.’ I turned to Lyss, fury burning in my eyes so brightly, I could feel the heat. ‘This is me tapping out of your stupid pranks. Do your own dirty work next time. I’m done with this.’ And I’m done with you. It’s what I want to say, but something holds me back. Maybe it’s her sad wide eyes as she stares back at me or it’s the fact that I would rather not say anything than leave saying something I might regret later. I’ve learned you never know when you’re last encounter might be with someone.
After a moment of silence, one I’ve stunned them into, I turned on my heel and marched to the steps towards my room. ‘I will stop the pranks. I’m sorry.’ She croaked quickly as though her band-aid of an apology would be enough to fix this mess. ‘It was never my intention to hurt you.’ But you did. And you didn’t care. I stayed silent, just walking up the stairs, counting each step as I went. Something I was taught to help reduce my anxiety.
When I reached my room, I checked the curtains were still closed, a reflex at this point in fear that Devin would be there, waiting to tell me he’s got a girlfriend or something. When the coast was clear, I fell onto my bed, letting the pillows suffocate me for just a moment. I was angry. Angry at myself for ever agreeing to Lyss’s demands. Angry that I let Devin get under my skin. Angry that Clay and Ally made me have to start all over again. And angry at the trucker that took my parents away. The burning heat that built up in my chest was new. I’d learned to suppress my anger by shoving it deep down inside me and focusing on the future. On things I could control. Not on people. People inherently let you down, whether they mean to or not.
Maybe I was overreacting, the bunny mask did keep my identity hidden the entire time and so far, no one has guessed it’s me. It’s just seeing the wanted signs and hearing students I didn’t even know laughing about my inability to dance was too much. I felt cold and angry inside like I’d been duped into it. The only two people I could talk to about it were the same two people that put me in the costume in the first place. It’s been over a week and I thought things would die down by now, but everyone is still talking about it.
It made me feel like Laura and Lyss don’t care about me or what happened. I thought I was helping them out. Being a good friend and roommate, but somehow, I’m again the joke. They just used me for their own gain and laughed about it after. It just feels like it’s the same old story for me since I had to move to Louisiana. Clay and Ally used me. I guess Devin used me to get his rocks off and now Laura and Lyss used me too.
I threw the pillow off my face, letting it fall to the floor. Sitting around this room and feeling sorry for myself is not something that’s helping my mood. All I’m doing is replaying the entire situation over and over in my brain making me angrier. The worse thing for me to do is sit here thinking about it. I need to get out. I stared at the ceiling contemplating what I should do. An idea popped into my head. My heartbeat slowed. It’s something I’ve been needing to do since I got back from Louisiana. I’ve been avoiding it. Do I want to go there in this state? I’m not sure. Maybe it will help give me some clarity. Maybe I’ll feel more connected, and gosh do I yearn to feel connected. I grabbed my phone, ordering an Uber, and stalked out of the house, ignoring Lyss and Laura’s pleas as I did.
Standing at the end of the drive, five minutes felt like five hours. The Uber driver was running late, and I was running out of patience. My body stiffened when I heard his voice. ‘Reign?’ He’s not trying to soothe me, but the minute his husky voice reached my ears, I couldn’t help but melt. ‘Are you okay?’ He asked, his hand clasped on my shoulder, urging me to turn around. I didn’t. I knew if I looked into his eyes, every part of my being would want to wrap myself around him and never let go. He’s just your friend. Why would he want you as anything more with you when he can have his pick of women? ‘Reign.’ He persisted, moving around me instead, and chucking my chin up with his thumb so I was looking at him.
‘I’m fine,’ I said, my gaze still focused on the ground. His hazel eyes had a way of disarming me without trying and I needed to be of sound mind for what I was about to do.
‘You don’t look fine.’ He whispered.
The screeching of tires echoed down the street. ‘That’s my ride,’ I said with no emotion. All I was focused on was how I was going to get out of here and into the car without revealing anything to him. He stayed silent as he watched the car pull up and opened the door for me like the true gentleman he is. I mumbled out a thank you before dropping into the seat.
His bulky body moved in next to me and he shut the door before I could protest. ‘We’re ready to go.’ He said to the driver, tapping the headrest. After he got comfortable and put his seatbelt on, he turned back to look at me with a smug smile on his face.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked, too dumbfounded to protest.
He picked at his nails, ‘You looked like you could use some company and I’ve got some time.’ He said, still picking at a cuticle. What on earth does he think he’s doing. I didn’t ask him to come. He can’t know where I’m going.
‘I’m fine. Can you stop the car?’ I directed the driver. Devin’s hand enclosed in mine, the warm heat traveling through my body and snapping my resolve like a pencil. I needed someone for this and although I didn’t want to admit it. I needed him. I was connected to him. We were connected to each other in unspoken ways.
‘Darlin, either you let me drive in this car with you, or I’ll follow behind you. You choose. I’m not leaving you alone though.’ His thumb rubbed at my palm reassuringly. Did I want him to know where I was going? I guess he would find out sooner or later.
I huffed as I leaned back against the seat, telling the driver to keep going. We sat in silence for the entirety of the forty-five-minute journey. He held my hand the whole time, squeezing it gently every time he heard my breath hitch. I don’t know what he was doing or how he ended popped out of nowhere, but I was happy it was him who found me.
The wheels crunched at the gravel pit below and I wish I had the nerve to look at Devin’s face right now. He has no idea what he got himself into that’s for sure. His hand doesn’t waver from mine as the driver informs us we’ve arrived and realization sets in on what we’re actually doing. What I’m going to do. He opened the door for himself and surprises me by pulling me out of his side of the car too. He wrapped his arms around me and I had no choice but to embrace him back.
‘Who are you here to see?’ He asked softly, not moving from our hold. His breath tickled my neck, warming me up from the inside.
Could I do it? Could I say the words out loud for the first time since it happened? I thought I was over it. I thought I’d moved on, but everything came crashing down like a tsunami and hit me all at once when the car parked. ‘My parents.’ I squeaked out. I didn’t have to say it again. Devin already knew, he just wanted me to say it. ‘You didn’t have to come.’ But I’m glad you did.
He tucked me under his arm, holding me against his hard body. ‘Yeah, I did.’ He said, walking me towards the wrought iron gates and pausing when we were through the entrance. ‘I’ll wait out here for you.’ He said decisively, letting go of me, my body felt like a limp noodle without his iron rod backbone to hold me steady.
I stumbled like a newborn deer, trying to walk further into the cemetery, but making little headway. I looked over my shoulder and he smiled at me encouragingly. ‘Would you come with me?’ I asked, the idea of walking on my own terrified me.
His hands were in his pockets and he tilted back on his heels until he smiled confidently at me. ‘Sure. I can’t wait to meet them.’ He said as he took a few steps to get to me, tucking me into his embrace again. This time, I wrapped my arm around his waist, letting him take most of my weight as I led him further into the gardens.
As we walked closer to the tombstones, the memory of the last time I was here ran through my mind. My aunt held me close on one side while Ally held my hand on the other. They were all I had left as I cried into my aunt’s shoulder wishing it was me that had gone instead of them. Now I was an orphan. No one to love me. No one to talk to. I had to leave everything behind, not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I had nowhere else to go. I was 16 and had to start all over again as the girl whose parents died.
I was expecting a ball of vomit to roll in my stomach at the thought, something I was used to getting from time to time these days but somehow the wave of emotion was easier to handle with Devin’s warm body comforting me. He may never be mine, but I’ll take this moment with him and treasure it forever. We stopped right next to the cherry blossom tree that shaded my parents. Drew and Hayley Pennyworth was etched on the stone. It feels so permanent. It’s been four years since I’ve been here. I know it’s been too long but I was too afraid to come, worried about how I’d cope. Devin squeezed my hip, reminding me he’s here for me. Unbeknownst to him, he’s the only thing holding me up right now.
I dropped to my knees in front of the gray stones, the wet mud squished into my jeans as I re-read their names like it would change something. Like it would make me feel differently. There was so much I wanted to say to them, but words escaped me. Instead, I just sat with my parents for the first time in years, letting the tears flow down my cheeks as I quietly thought about them.
I wish they were here to talk to. I miss talking to my mom about the latest gossip from the Royal Family and I miss my Dad’s mundane chats about the Giants and the 49ers. I miss being normal. I miss having a family unit around me that cared for and protected me. But mostly, I just miss being in their presence and their hugs. Being hugged like you’re the most precious thing to someone is rare and I miss that. I miss them. God, I’ve never missed something more.
A tear dropped onto my hand, feeling foolish in Devin’s presence, I wiped my cheek. I heard him sit next to me before I saw him. He gently draped an arm over my shoulder, letting me lean my head against his chest while we sat there watching the tree sway in the wind. ‘Will you promise to tell me about them one day?’ He asked with hope and sincerity lacing his voice.
‘Mhmm.’ I quietly agreed as we sat staring straight ahead. Devin’s slow breaths kept me grounded, reminding me how lucky we are to be alive. How lucky I am to have a friend that would follow me out here even though he had no idea where I was going. Devin is special. I already knew that. I’ll always cherish our friendship because I fear that’s what were destined to be to each other. A fact I’ll have to accept.
We watched the sunset; Devin didn’t pressure me to move. It was the groundskeeper who informed us they were closing that made us leave. Our jeans were soggy from sitting for so long. He held my hand again, leading me to the entrance. ‘What do you want to do now?’ He asked as he bent over, wiping any remaining tears from my cheeks.
‘We should probably get back.’ Coming here gave me clarity and time to think. As much as I don’t want to admit it, the way I left things with Laura and Lyss didn’t feel right. I need to get back and talk it out. I can’t keep walking away from my problems hoping they’ll fix themselves.
He nodded, giving me a small smile as he took his phone out to order a cab, his thumb circled over the palm of my hand. As we waited and I looked back at the park, watching the birds fly overhead. It was in that moment that I realized something. My parents never left me. Their bodies may be buried in this park, but that’s not where their souls are. Their souls are with me. In my heart. A place they will never leave.
The drive back to our homes was a blur. We didn’t talk. We didn’t need to. I’ve shared some of my most intimate moments with this man and I’ve never felt calmer about it. Not once in our little journey did he ask me what was wrong or where we were going. I suppose to him it didn’t matter. He just wanted to be there to make me feel better. He knew what I needed before I did. A smile draws on my lips because I couldn’t ask for anything more than that, could I?
He opened the door for me, holding his hand out waiting for me to accept. ‘Do you want me to come in with you? Beat up Laura and Lyss? I assume that’s why you were upset.’ He joked. I’m guessing he saw me slam the door as I left. ‘I’m in the mood for hunting some wabbits.’ He chuckled as he did an Elmer Fudd impression.
I smiled, feeling a lot less hysterical now than before I went on this little adventure. ‘No. it’s okay. I need to speak to the girls on my own. We have some unfinished business.’ I sighed. There’s no way I’m telling Devin the full truth about what happened between us. He was all over me when he thought I was someone else in that costume, which was yet again further evidence he doesn’t want me like that. It would just be awkward to mention it was in fact my ass he was grabbing. No matter how much I enjoyed it.
‘Thanks for coming with me today.’ I said, my voice was low, and I couldn’t look him in the eyes. There was so much more I wanted to say, like thank you for being there for me when no one else was. Thank you for seeing me when no one else did. The words sat on the tip of my tongue, never to be said, too afraid if I did, he would run for the hills or tell me the truth. That I’m just his friend.
My head was still bowed when I felt his arms draw me closer. ‘Get over here, Doc.’ He mumbled, pulling me into another hug with a chuckle. His manly scent took over my senses and I melted into his arms. This is where I felt I belonged; I just wish he felt that way too.
‘Devin, are you drunk?’ I asked, tipping my head up to look at his goofy smile. He glanced down at me, his lips curving up on the sides.
‘No. It’s nothing.’ He quipped, shaking his head. ‘I’ve guess I’ve just got a thing for bugs.’ I tilted my head, confused and he ignored my questioning brow, choosing to kiss my forehead instead of elaborating. ‘I’ll let you go, Doc.’ His lips moved down, kissing me on my cheek and leaving my skin tingling when he left. He walked backward, watching me the entire time and just when he was about to turn, he winked and laughed. Our moment together was , leaving me wanting more because no matter how much tie I spend with him, it’s never enough.
I watched him walk onto his driveway and then took a deep breath, bracing myself for the shitstorm that was about to go down. I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t have much left in me. I just wanted to forget about today and hope that the bunny dance would soon be forgotten.
The minute I opened the door, Laura and Lyss rushed over, throwing their arms around me and apologizing profusely. Lyss is the first to talk, ‘I’m so sorry Reign, I shouldn’t have asked you to do it in the first place. I’ve reported all of the videos on social media and made Jackson and Matty take down all of the flyers around campus.’ She says in one breath. ‘I will never ask you to get involved in my crap again. I’ve called a truce with Aiden.’ She explained proudly and laughed when my eyebrows shot up. If I had known that’s all I needed to do to get them to stop, I would have walked out weeks ago. I’m not going to ask her what a truce with Aiden looks like though.
‘Just please, please, please don’t leave us,’ Laura begged. ‘We really want you here.’ There’s a momentary pause. ‘Not just because we hated the last four roommates. Which we did. But because we actually like you.’ Lyss nodded along.
‘I took it all a little too far. I’m sorry.’ I rolled my eyes at their dramatics, even if I wasn’t much better. At least they tried to make it right.
‘As long as I’m not involved in any more of that crap with you and Aiden. I’ll stay.’ I don’t mention that I don’t have anywhere else to go anyway. I need to make the threat sound real.
Lyss beamed. ‘No way. I’ll keep it all to myself and every time I see the video, I’ll report it.’
I shrugged despondently. ‘It’s out there now. Can’t really get rid of it now.’ Devin helped bring a new sense of tranquility to me. ‘At least people can’t tell it’s me.’
‘We ordered some Chinese if you would like to join us?’ Laura gestured to the unopened boxes on the table. ‘We were kind of waiting for you.” I agreed and ended up spending most of the night with them, watching tv and talking about random crap. I may not completely trust them yet, but at least they tried to help stop it spreading and I guess people still don’t know it’s me.
By the time we finished, I was yawning into my hand ready to crash onto my bed. ‘I’m calling it a night.’ I yawned, stretching my arms above my head.
‘Make sure that window of yours is closed.’ Lyss smirked and I quirked an eyebrow. Does she know about my late-night catch ups? ‘If Devin finds out you were the bunny, all hell is going to break loose.’
‘Why?’ I stood up, padding my way to the stairs.
‘When you were dancing around the guys, Devin was always right behind you, watching like a dog in heat. He liked what he saw.’ She barked out a laugh. In a way I was relieved it was just that she was referring to, and not Devin’s late-night visits. I halted on the steps thinking about what Devin said and gasped. Wabbit. Doc. Bugs. Those are all Elmer Fudd references. Was that his way of hinting that he knew it was me underneath? Oh my goodness.
My heart beats faster, is that why he was so pushy, getting me to sit on his lap and taking me away from others? Was he trying to help me? I rushed to my door and stood in front of it, caught up in so many questions and needing an answer. It was already midnight so I decided my questions should wait until tomorrow. That’s when I’ll give Devin a real grilling.
