Contrary to Lizzie’s beliefs, I wasn’t entirely off the hook at school. The whole inciting a riot in the lunch hall on my first day back had resulted in a week’s detention, daily trips to the office, not to mention several surprise inspections on my locker.
At my daily trip to the principal’s office, I found myself interrogated by Twomey in great detail and told in no uncertain terms that he was keeping his eye on me. I didn’t blame him. I had no doubt that I was the highlight of his professional career. After all, he was the one who told my mother that he had never met another student as uncommon as me in all his years of teaching.
I liked to think of that as a compliment.
Regardless of how much Twomey’s attention tickled my funny bone, I couldn’t hide my aggravation when I was summoned to the office at the end of last bell the following Thursday.
I had plans after school and had already dealt with his lectures and locker raiding at big lunch.
Beyond pissed off at the intrusion into my personal time, I stalked into the office, not bothering to stop the double doors from slamming shut behind me.
“Hey, stranger,” a familiar voice purred from the other side of the admissions desk. “Long time no see.”
Not fucking long enough. “Dee.” Slapping on a smile, I strolled over to the counter and leaned against it. “Twomey’s looking for me again?”
“Nope, I am.”
Christ, I truly was broken.
I stared blankly back at her. “You are?”
She laughed. “Is that so hard to believe?”
No, it wasn’t hard to believe but it was daring. Calling me to the office over the intercom? Jesus, that was a bold fucking move. “What can I do for you?”
“I think you know exactly what you can do for me.” She slid her car keys across the counter and said, “I’ll be there in ten.”
Dressed in a low-cut blouse and pencil skirt, and her blonde hair piled on top of her hair like a sexy librarian, the woman was undeniably attractive.
And I felt nothing.
Not so much as a twitch.
“No can do.”
“No?” Confusion swept over her face, and I watched as she flicked through what I presumed was the schedule diary before saying, “You’re not training after school.”
No, I wasn’t training after school, but that didn’t mean that I was free for any other extra-curricular activities, and certainly none that involved my head between this woman’s legs again.
Jesus.
When Dee showed interest in me back in the day, I’d been reckless. It was a horrible trait of mine. Freewheeling into mischief without a thought for the consequences. It was my decision and I thrived on the feeling of being in control. Of initiating what I wanted and not the other way around. There was something very wrong in my head. I knew it. I just … I couldn’t change the way I was programed. I guess in the back of my mind, I felt I had a point to prove to myself and who better to do that with than an older woman?
I could touch.
I could do that.
No fucking problem.
But being touched wasn’t so easy for me because I didn’t feel anything, so I avoided it and became what this woman liked to refer to as her personal giver.
It was a reckless sort of urgency that took a hold of me. A need to be touched and avoided all in one breath. It was complicated and I feared delving too deep inside my head, inside my memories, to find the root of the problem. Either way, I was in total control and that was how I liked it.
When I was with her, we moved at my pace. She wasn’t forcing me to do shit, and in turn, I had learned everything I knew from this woman.
Problem was, after a while, being Dee’s giver had begun to feel icky, and the moment she had started to push me for more, I’d quickly slammed the brakes.
When it came to this woman, I had been such a fucking eejit. I wasn’t about to lie and say that piercing my dick back in fifth year hadn’t had anything to do with Dee. It had. It was my temporary way out of a situation that had gotten too big for me. A successful one at that, because I’d deftly managed to avoid the woman since then.
Hugh and the lads assumed I was a fuckboy without a conscience, and I let it roll because why the fuck not? They’d be surprised if they knew the real me, the person I was beneath the surface, desperate for the kind of affection that I could control.
Leaning against the tall countertop that separated the students from the staff, I felt a wave of self-loathing roll through my body. It was a feeling I’d spent my life trying to run from and, somehow, I always managed to find myself back here, drowning in my disgust.
“No, I’m not training after school,” I clarified, pulling my attention back to the present, to the woman looking expectantly at me. Why are you the way you are? my conscience demanded, furious with me for once again getting my ass caught up in a level of drama that I wasn’t nearly mature enough to handle. “Listen,” I said, trying a different approach, “we’ve had a good run of it, but I’m going to be busy with school this year.”
Instead of taking my words at face value, Dee threw her head back and laughed. “Gibs, this is me you’re talking to.”
I steeled my resolve and said, “I’m not interested anymore.”
“You’re not interested.” It wasn’t a question, but her accusatory tone of voice assured me that she wasn’t about to let me off the hook easily. “Because of her?”
Claire’s face flashed through my mind, sending a whole new level of devastated guilt to wash through me. “No,” I bit out slowly. “Because this never should’ve happened in the first place.” I discreetly gestured between us and blew out a sharp breath. “Just call it a day and walk away, Dee.”
“That’s not what you were saying before.”
“Well, it’s what I’m saying now.”
“You’re acting like I forced you.”
“No, I’m not acting like anything. I’m telling you that it’s done with.”
“So, it’s official?” Leaning back in her chair, she folded her arms across her chest and studied my face. “You’ve finally grown a pair of balls and decided to settle down with her?”
“I’m seventeen,” I snapped back, beyond pissed off that she was bringing Claire into the equation. “I’m not settling down with anything.”
“You don’t look seventeen.”
“Well, if you need a reminder of my age then take a sconce at my birth certificate,” I tossed back. “It’s in my file.”
Dee flinched like I’d smacked her, and I felt like a knob. “You said it helped.”
“It did,” I urged, feeling my sanity slip further away the longer this conversation lasted. “But that’s past tense, okay? I’m over it.”
“So, I don’t do it for you anymore.”
“I’m just not interested anymore,” I groaned, dropping my head in my hands, elbows resting on the counter. “I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings.”
“Don’t apologize,” she snapped, tone laced with hurt, as she rolled her desk chair backwards and stood up. “And don’t even think about telling your little girlfriend about this.”
Trust me, if I could erase it from my mind I would in a heartbeat. “She’s not my girlfriend, Dee,” I shot back with a clipped nod. “But don’t worry,” I added, moving for the door, “I have no plans to tell her.”
“She won’t understand,” she called after me. “How your mind works. You’ll never be able to make it work with her.”
“I’ll take my chances.”
