“Claire – wait!” Shannon chased after me as I bolted out of the bathroom, down the hallway, and into the cold night air.
“Oh God.”
I couldn’t breathe.
“Oh God.”
I couldn’t breathe!
Collapsing in a heap on the ground, I lost all control of my upchuck reflex and vomited profusely.
“Looks like someone had too much to drink,” Ronan McGarry snickered when he walked past me heaving my guts up at the side of the building.
“Looks like you need to mind your own business,” Shannon hissed, sounding almost feral, as she dropped to her knees beside me and shielded me from everyone’s view.
“Well, if it isn’t the little mouse who finally found her voice.”
“Oh, fuck off, Ronan!” Shannon snapped.
“What did you—”
“I said fuck off!” she screamed at the top of her lungs. “Now!”
“Jesus, relax,” he muttered before stalking away in a huff. “You girls are crazier than your asshole boyfriends.”
“Shan.” Reaching for my best friend, I clung to her as my entire body racked with violent tremors and my stomach continued to roll. “He raped … he raped … he raped … ”
“I know, Claire, I read it, too,” she replied, crying softly, as she cradled my head to her chest. “Poor Gibsie.”
The minute she said that another wave of hysteria washed over me. “I need to f-find h-him!”
“No, no, no,” she tried to coax through sniffles. “Not here, okay? Not like this.”
“I have to!” I practically screamed as I tried and failed to get to my feet. “I have to ta-talk to h-him … tell someone what I just read!” On my hands and knees, I pushed myself upright and this time, my trembling legs managed to keep me upright. “Shan, did you read it?” I couldn’t see through my tears, as I looked around wildly for her. “Did you r-read what that l-letter said?”
“I read it,” she whispered, pushing my hair back off my face before gently prying the letter from my hands. “Listen to me, and this is very important, okay?” Sniffling, I nodded, watching as she carefully folded the letter and placed it inside her bra. “You need to not react right now.”
“But I just … ”
“I know,” she urged, clutching my shoulders. “I know, and you know, but Gibsie doesn’t know we know, and now is not the place for this conversation. Not in front of all these people.”
“I can’t pretend I didn’t s-see it,” I choked out, throwing my arms around her. “I can’t, Shan. I’m not b-built like that.” Not now. Never again. I’d let too many things slip on by throughout my life. The constant bullying from Lizzie. The mean jokes and jibes at his expense. His lifetime of discomfort living in that house with those people. Dee’s predatory grooming of him.
No.
No more.
Not this time.
“I’m not asking you to pretend,” she replied, comforting me. “I’m asking you to say nothing. At least for now. Not here, okay?”
“But I … ”
“Don’t do it,” she begged with a sniffle. “Don’t make him relive his worst memories in the middle of a school dance.”
“I have to go to the authorities with this, Shannon!”
“I agree, Claire, I do, okay? But not here. Not this night.”
“What am I supposed to do?” I sobbed. “I can’t just pretend.” I had to talk to him. I had to talk to Sadhbh. “Mam,” I strangled. “I need to call my mam.”
“Just follow my lead, okay?” she replied, hugging me tight. “We’ll get through the dance, and then we’ll figure out what to do next. I promise I’ll look after you.”
“But who w-will l-look after Gerard?” I strangled out. “Oh God, Shan, this is so wrong.”
“He’s with Johnny,” she replied, pulling back to offer me a tearful smile. “There isn’t anyone else in the world he’s safer with right now than him.”
“I don’t need to figure it out, Shan,” I choked out. “I know what I need to do.” It was the same thing I should have done with Dee. “I have to report this.” I swallowed deeply, feeling my chest heaving as my world imploded around me. “I have to tell.”
Shannon didn’t keep sanitary towels in her purse, but she did keep an emergency toothbrush and paste, something I found myself oddly grateful for.
It took a barricaded bathroom door and forty-five minutes of deep breathing exercises she’d learned from her trauma counsellor to calm me down. In the end, she’d disappeared out of the bathroom, giving me strict instructions to stay put.
When she returned ten minutes later, it was with a tiny pill of diazepam she had somehow managed to weasel from Lizzie.
After another twenty minutes, I had managed to compose myself enough to return to the dance.
“Just keep smiling,” Shannon whispered in my ear, and then gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. “Two more hours and it’s all over, okay?”
Two more hours?
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
I couldn’t cope with the weight of my conscience as it threatened to drag me under.
My breath hitched in my throat when my bleary gaze landed on Gerard. He was on the dance floor with Johnny and Patrick, and throwing shapes like it was going out of fashion.
Always the joker.
Hiding his pain behind a smile.
“Oh God,” I choked out.
“No,” Shannon commanded, giving my hand another squeeze, as she led me onto the dance floor to join our boyfriends. “For his sake.”
How could he do it? How could he live with his demons like this, and mask his pain with a smile? I didn’t understand it, but I knew in my heart that I could never in good conscience allow it to happen another minute. He deserved to be saved, and I was determined to do that. Never again would I sit back and watch his head go under the water. I would bring him to the surface even if it meant drowning our relationship in the process.
“There’s my intended,” Gerard declared with a wolfish grin, dancing towards me. “Where the fuck have you been, Claire-Bear?” His breath was fused with alcohol, but his tone was warm and loving. “You missed some serious belters. The band is on fire!”
“Mm.” I smiled as bright as I could, but at best it was a watery one. I knew what Shannon said made sense. Don’t ruin his night. But that seemed implausible to me considering Mark Allen had ruined his world so many years ago. And Caoimhe? Jesus, I had so many conflicting emotions right now that I was afraid to delve too deeply into them. Anger and resentment were keeping company with my devastation, and I was starving for justice.
“You good, Claire-Bear?”
Another nodding smile.
It was all I could do.
Do more, Claire.
Just take him by the hand and walk outside.
Tell him you know.
Put your arms around him and offer him a safe place to land.
Then take him to the Garda Station and press charges on that monster!
When the band started to play their own rendition of Mazzy Star’s “Fade into You”, Gerard took my hand and led me onto the middle of the floor.
Pulling me close, he kept one big hand flattened against the curve of my spine, while using the other to hold my hand to his chest. Our bodies moved in perfect synchrony, like we’d been born to dance this dance together.
My heart was aching, a desperate feeling of loss and longing weighing heavily on my soul, but he was here. He was trying. He was mine.
Unable to take the pressure in my chest another second, I reached up and grabbed his face with my hands.
“Are you o—”
Whatever he was saying, he never got a chance to finish, but I pushed up on my high heels and kissed him.
Right there in the middle of the dance floor, I pressed my lips to his. It wasn’t an erotic kiss or a seductive one.
I had to.
If I didn’t kiss him, I was going to scream.
Instead, I kept my lips melded to his and clenched my eyes shut. Unable to get close enough or deep enough into this boy, I reached around and fisted his hair, keeping our lips fused together.
No.
It’s not enough.
You need to do more.
You need to speak up!
Finally, when I felt like my lungs would explode from the effort it was taking to hold my breath, I released him and exhaled a ragged breath.
His gray eyes were locked on mine but neither of us spoke a word.
Instead, we just stared at each other, both clearly reeling in the moment, in our feelings, in each other.
“Claire.” He shook his head ever so slightly, almost like he was disagreeing with something internal happening inside of his mind. “What’s wrong?” he finally asked.
“Nothing.”
“That’s not true.” He eyed me warily. “Tell me.”
“I, ah … ” I tried to smile, but I could barely get my lips to rise. “I … ” Just say it, dammit. Just take his hand and run. Save him, Claire! “I’m just happy to be here with you, Gerard.” The words tasted like betrayal on my tongue, because while there was no lie in what I told him, it wasn’t enough.
“Claire.” His lips parted and I watched as he licked them before dragging the bottom one into his mouth, teeth grinding furiously against the plump skin. It wasn’t a method of seduction. It was a quirk of his. One he performed when he was anxious.
Because this was scaring him.
He was afraid of what was happening between us.
Me.
I was scaring him.
We were still dancing, moving in harmony to the music playing around us, but I wasn’t here on the dance floor with him.
Instead, I was traveling back in time, mentally reeling as every quirky thing he’d ever said or done finally snapped into place like a heartbreaking jigsaw.
For most of his life, Gerard had been trapped in a room in his head, while I had been banging on the door, desperately trying to break him out.
Because his past was his prison, and our love was his getaway car.
I know, I mentally told him, I know, and I believe you, and I will fight to the death to get justice for you.
“Claire.” His hands were on my shoulders, gliding up my neck before settling on either side of my face. “I love you.”
My breath hitched in my throat because I knew what was coming.
This time when our lips collided, we weren’t frozen still or stuck in an internal war because a decision had been made.
Cupping my cheeks in his big hands, and with his gray eyes locked on mine, he brushed his nose against mine affectionately. Once. Twice. And then his lips were on mine.
Feeling weak, I reached out to steady myself, finding purchase in the part of his shirt that was covering his chest. Fisting the fabric tightly in both hands, I fell into the moment, letting his lips guide mine like he had guided me a million other times in a million different ways.
I’m going to love you through all of this, I mentally told him, even when I do something that’s going to make you hate me.
The lyrics of the song were dripping into my subconscious, and I was feeling every word in the deepest part of my soul. Every note seemed to hold a direct line to my feelings and desires.
Because I did want to fade into him.
I wanted to wrap myself around his broken body and chase his demons away with warmth and love. I wanted to cry because of the unfairness of it all. I wanted … I just wanted.
When his tongue touched mine in a slow drugging move, I felt my abdominal muscles tighten. Somewhere even deeper inside of me, I felt a delicious dull aching throb that seemed to have a pulse of its own.
The more he kissed me, the faster my heart beat, and the stronger the ache grew. It was a primal feeling I had no control over, one that seemed to take on a life force of its own. Being with him felt effortless because it felt so natural. Like this is what I was supposed to do. These lips were the ones my lips had been waiting for and no other lips would do.
These hands were the ones my body accepted without question or doubt.
This boy was the boy.
The boy my heart had been created to beat for.
The boy I was made to love.
It was effortless.
Clenching my eyes shut to hide my tears, I kissed him for all I was worth, telling him with my touch everything I couldn’t say out loud.
I believe you, Gerard Gibson.
I believe you.
I believe you.
I believe you.
