“I wish you didn’t have to go to work.”
Nice, Thea. That sounded just as clingy and pathetic out loud as it had in my head.
I also didn’t give a shit.
What I really wanted to do today was curl up with Logan on a couch, watch movies and let Charlie have a quiet day with her parents. One thing I’d learned over the past four days was that New York City was just like I’d remembered: loud, chaotic and expensive.
Logan’s apartment was a haven and had quickly become my favorite place in New York.
Everything else was for the pigeons.
“Sorry, baby.” Logan’s arms pulled me closer, his front to my back. “I wish I didn’t have to go either and we could just spend the day in bed. But I can’t.”
“I know,” I muttered, closing my eyes to draw out these last few moments together in his bed.
Logan’s bed was massive, nearly as large as my entire room at the cottage. It sat opposite a wall of windows that overlooked the city. It was still dark outside—I’d learned this week that Logan went to work before dawn—but the sun’s glow was beginning to light the sky and slowly filter into his bedroom.
Just like the rest of his penthouse, this room was magnificent. His thick gray quilt was heavy, and with his warm body pressed against mine, I was in a cocoon of luxury.
“I love your bed.”
“I love you,” he whispered into my hair. My eyes popped open just as he added three more words. “In my bed.”
I relaxed, hoping he hadn’t felt me flinch.
But he had.
Without hiding his disappointment, he kissed my head, let me go and rolled out of bed. As he walked to the bathroom, the muscles of his back and shoulders were bunched. His hands were in fists.
Goddamn it. I hadn’t meant to hurt him with my knee-jerk reaction.
We were there? We’d been together for such a short time. Were we at I love you?
He’d told me last week that he was falling for me. I’d fallen for him too. And as much as I wanted to hear those three little words in his deep voice, I wasn’t ready.
I love you meant making decisions about the future. It meant changing names and talking babies.
I love you meant me and Charlie would need to move.
After Logan had talked to me the other night about his decision to go to law school, I had a better understanding of why he worked so hard.
He loved it.
His drive to succeed was stronger than I’d ever seen. And in a way, I think he was still trying to prove himself to his family. He was showing them that even though he hadn’t gone the route everyone had expected, he was still worthy of taking over as head of the family.
Logan thrived on challenges and responsibilities. Achievement fueled him. But I knew after four days that I couldn’t compete with it all. He needed his career, one he wouldn’t find in Montana.
The shower in the bathroom turned on and I sat up, knowing I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep. I went to Logan’s closet and pulled out some clothes from my suitcase. Dressed, I headed downstairs and peeked in Charlie’s room to see she was still zonked out. Then I went to the kitchen for coffee.
The first morning I’d been here, I’d offered to make Logan breakfast, but then Sean had arrived with a breakfast sandwich in hand and whisked Logan away to the firm. Monday was their early morning catch-up meeting.
The morning after that, I hadn’t offered breakfast, but I’d made him coffee. He took two sips before Piper, his assistant from the foundation, showed up with a special latte and his favorite bagel. Tuesday was their meeting day because Logan filled every moment, even those commuting to and from the office, with work.
Yesterday, Wednesday, I’d woken up alone in bed. I’d come downstairs to find Logan emerging from the penthouse gym. He’d come out shirtless with his muscles bulging and glistening with sweat. I’d almost pounced on him until Yuri, his personal trainer, had followed behind carrying a protein shake.
Now it was Thursday and I had no idea who would be his first appointment of the day.
Probably another assistant.
Not long after I sat down at the extended island in the kitchen, coffee cup in hand, Logan came down the hall, fixing a cufflink.
God, he was sexy. The suits he wore to work every morning were drool-worthy. Every angle and every line were perfect. Today’s was a solid black three-piece with a crisp white shirt under a fitted vest. His golden tie matched his pocket scarf.
And here I was in five-dollar gray leggings and an oversized peach sweatshirt I’d bought when I’d been pregnant.
“Want some coffee?” I asked.
“Don’t get up. I’ve got it.”
I soaked him in as he poured a cup. “No personal assistants this morning?”
He looked over his shoulder and grinned. “Thursdays I normally go into work early and meet with my assistant there. But I’m going to be late today because someone hit the snooze button three times.”
I smiled. When his alarm had gone off, I’d climbed on top of him, taking advantage of his morning erection and hitting snooze until we’d both come together and collapsed in a sweaty heap. “That was a good twenty-seven minutes.”
He set down his coffee and came around the bar, spinning my chair so he could stand between my legs. “Guaranteed the best meeting I’ll have all day.”
I wrapped my arms around his waist, hugging him tight and breathing in his cologne. He seemed to have shrugged off his disappointment from earlier, which was a relief. I didn’t want our last couple of days together to be strained. Who knew when he’d have time to come back to Montana for a visit, and I’d need a long break before considering another trip to the city.
At least a year. Maybe two.
“I was thinking we could go out to dinner tonight.” He toyed with the ends of my ponytail. “I’d like to take you and Charlie to my favorite restaurant.”
“Sounds good.”
“You’ll want a cocktail dress. Maybe while you’re out shopping for your gown today, you can pick up something for you and Charlie to wear tonight.”
I forced my shoulders to remain relaxed so he wouldn’t feel my cringe. “Sure.”
Logan had invited me to a gala tomorrow night for his family’s foundation, so today I was charged with finding a ball gown. I could handle buying a nice dress. But to get one for Charlie? He had no idea the challenge he’d presented.
“I’d better get to work.”
“See you tonight.” I let him go, tipping up my chin for a quick kiss.
His shoes clicked on the marble as he walked to the door. When it shut behind him, I took my coffee out to the terrace and sank into a wide chaise lounge.
Besides his bedroom, this terrace had become my favorite place in Logan’s penthouse. His gardener had planters and pots everywhere. Green leaves and bright flowers spilled over the edges of stone and concrete. It was as close to my cottage porch as I could get, minus Hazel and her cigarette smoke, which I missed more and more every morning.
I sipped my cup, watching as the sun rose higher. There were people who loved the city skyline, but this place had nothing on the lake view from my backyard.
And today, we’d be thrust out of the penthouse and into the madness, for shopping of all things.
All I wanted to do today was hang out with Charlie and show her parts of the city she might actually enjoy, like Central Park. Because so far, she was unimpressed with New York. And while I had my reasons for not liking the city, I did want Charlie to enjoy it here, for Logan’s sake.
But nothing about this trip had gone well.
The first day, Logan’s assistant Sean had taken us shopping for her room. We’d gone to a large department store to find some toys and books, but it had been a zoo and she’d been completely overwhelmed. After an hour of wandering through the store, bumping shoulders and squeezing through tight spaces, she’d only chosen one stuffed lion to bring home.
When Sean had offered to take us shopping somewhere else, she’d refused, saying her room didn’t need anything else.
The next day, I’d taken her to the Empire State Building, where the warp-speed elevator ride had scared her. Then yesterday, we’d gone to Rockefeller Center and Times Square. It had been an improvement, but she’d still been out of her element with the crowds and bustle.
It hadn’t helped that she’d spent so little time with Logan. He left before she woke up each morning and returned in time for a late dinner and to tuck her in. We’d both gotten a firsthand look at just how hectic his schedule was here.
Shopping for dresses today, something she refused to wear at home, meant I’d get to ruin another day of her not-so-fun vacation.
“Mommy, are we done yet?” Charlie grumbled. She was sitting in the corner of a dressing room, kicking the wall.
This was the final stop on our shopping day from hell. After two stores to find cocktail dresses for me—one for dinner tonight, and another for dinner with Logan’s parents—we’d gone shopping for Charlie. Three tantrums in three consecutive dressing rooms had left my patience threadbare. But the shopping fun hadn’t stopped there. Now we were in a fancy boutique trying to find a ball gown for tomorrow night’s gala.
“Don’t kick the wall,” I hissed, trying to zip up the back of my gown.
“Can I help you in there?” the saleswoman called from the other side of the curtain.
I sighed and dropped my hands, then held the bodice of the gown to my chest. “Could you help me zip this?”
The gold curtain whipped open and in she came with a seamstress in tow. She gave the zipper a quick tug, cinching the dress tight around my ribs.
“This is just lovely.” She took a step back, scanning me up and down. “You have to choose this one. It’s da-vine.”
She’d said that about the last five gowns, all of which I’d hated. But since I hated this dress slightly less than the others and I was desperate to be done with our shopping marathon, this would have to do.
I gave her a tight smile and nodded. “Yes, let’s get this one.”
The saleswoman snapped her fingers, causing a flurry of activity outside the dressing room. An hour later, after the gown’s hem had been pinned and the saleswoman had been given instructions on where to deliver the dress, shoes, jewelry and lingerie, Charlie and I escaped the boutique, finally done with shopping.
Logan’s credit card had been swiped more today than I’d swiped mine in a month.
“Are we done shopping yet?” Charlie whined as she slid into the back of Logan’s town car.
“Yes.” I breathed with relief, fastening my seatbelt, then hers. “Should we do something fun? Do you want to go to the park? We could take a walk around and feed some ducks.”
She shook her head. “No, thanks.”
Well, shit. My daughter had never turned down outside time.
“I know.” I clapped my hands together, spouting the first thing that popped into my head. “How about we do something special for Uncle Jackson?”
That got her interest. “Like what?”
“Did you know he used to live here? Just like I did when I was a kid?”
She nodded.
“Well, there was this place where we used to get these meatball subs. They are his favorite sandwich ever. What if we went and got some meatballs to put in the fridge and then take home to him?”
“Yeah! And some for Gran too.”
“You got it. We’ll get a ton and we’ll make a special dinner when we get home.”
She smiled and leaned into my side. I wasn’t sure if it was the mention of Jackson or Hazel or just going home, but it was the first happy smile I’d seen from her all day.
As the driver pulled away from the curb, my stomach clenched. Going back to Brooklyn was going to hurt, but for Charlie, I’d do it anyway.
We were going to Giovanni’s.
“Is this it, ma’am?” the driver asked over his shoulder.
Was this it?
I studied the restaurant, taking in the weathered sign and faded red awning over the front door. Giovanni’s was worn and so much smaller than I remembered. Had there always been bars on the windows? From the car, I could make out the same booths Jackson and I had shared once upon a time. Had there always just been the three? I couldn’t remember a time when we’d come to Giovanni’s and there hadn’t been a line at the counter, but today, it was dead.
“We’ll just be a minute,” I told the driver, taking Charlie’s hand as we unbuckled and climbed out of the backseat.
She clutched me tight as we pushed open the front door, ringing the familiar bell. The sound at least hadn’t changed, or the smell of garlic and tomatoes.
“What can I getcha?” The waitress behind the counter didn’t look up from her magazine to greet us.
“Um, I was wondering if I could get an order of meatballs, the ones you make in your subs, to go?”
“Lemme check.” She rolled her eyes and set down the magazine. “Yo, Ruthie!”
“She sounds funny,” Charlie whispered as the girl disappeared into the kitchen.
“It’s just her accent, honey. Some people in the city have different accents.”
Though, neither Jackson nor I had ever picked up a Brooklyn accent. He’d been born in Pennsylvania and had learned to talk there before being brought to New York. And since the nannies at the orphanage had all come from out of state, usually missionaries from some Midwest churches volunteering in the city for a year, I’d never picked up the accent myself.
“Are you the lady who wants meat—” A woman came out from the back but stopped before reaching the counter. “Thea?”
My mouth fell open. “Ruth?”
We stared at each other for a long moment, until the shock on her face morphed into a smug, bitchy grin. “Well, well, well. Back in the neighborhood. I always knew you’d be back.”
Her voice was like nails on a chalkboard and I tugged Charlie closer to my side. “I’m just in town visiting. I was hoping to pick up some meatballs for Jackson and take them home as a gift.”
“Knew you two would end up together.” She eyed me up and down before nodding to Charlie. “That his kid?”
“No.” I shook my head. “We’re not together. Same as always, we’re just friends.”
“Uh-huh.” She sneered, looking past us to the car outside. “Nice ride.”
“Thanks. Listen, I think we’ll just go.” There was no way I was ordering food from Giovanni’s now, not when I knew Ruth would spit in it.
“But Mommy—”
“Not now, Charlie.” I shooed her toward the door.
I twisted the knob when Ruth’s shrill voice stopped me short of our hasty exit. “Just like last time, eh? Runnin’ off without a good-bye? This time gettin’ in a fancy car. Think you’re still too good for this neighborhood, Thea? Think you’re still betta than me? Cuz you’re not. You’re still just stupid trash.”
I guess she was still bitter about how our friendship had ended.
Ruth had been my age and a classmate in school. She’d been my best friend, or so I’d thought. In reality, Ruth had used me for years. When she wanted my desk in English to sit by a cute boy, I gave it to her even though I’d sat down first. When she needed twenty dollars our sophomore year to buy a new backpack, I lent her the money even though I’d been saving it for winter shoes—she never paid me back.
But Ruth had been the friend I’d have given anything for. My meager things had been hers for the taking. And she’d taken and taken and taken. I’d let her, until the day I found her fucking my boyfriend in the supply closet of the bar where we both worked.
I let loose my temper on my asshole boyfriend. He was drunk and pretending not to realize his mistake. But Ruth knew exactly what she’d been doing. After he zipped up his pants and stumbled out of the bar, she told me it wasn’t her fault, but mine. I hadn’t been keeping him satisfied, so he’d strayed.
That had been the final straw.
In that moment, I realized just how toxic and selfish Ruth was and finally listened to Jackson and Hazel’s advice. Cutting her out had been a long time coming. Without a word to Ruth, I quit my job and moved out of Brooklyn. I found a hole-in-the-wall apartment in Manhattan a couple blocks away from Jackson and started tending bar at the hotel where I eventually met Logan.
Where Charlie had started.
And because of the little girl clinging to my hand, wondering what was happening, I wasn’t going to let this bitch talk to me like that for another second.
I turned from the door, standing tall. “I have never been and will never be trash. And I’m not too good for this neighborhood, Ruth. But I am too good for you. Have a nice life.”
Her face turned a splotchy shade of fuchsia, but I ignored her and held my chin high as I led Charlie outside and to the car. When the door closed behind us, I didn’t spare another glance at Giovanni’s.
I didn’t want to remember it like I’d seen it today.
“Anywhere else, ma’am?” the driver asked as I helped get Charlie buckled.
“Yes, would you please go down this block and take a right? I’ll tell you where to stop.” I was talking fast from the adrenaline in my veins, but he caught it all and pulled away from the curb.
“Where are we going now?” Charlie asked.
“You’ll see.” I gave her a smile and bent to kiss her forehead. It only took a minute to get where I wanted to go, and I told the driver to pull over.
“See that building?” I asked Charlie, pointing through the side window.
She craned her neck to see and nodded. “Yeah.”
“That’s where I grew up. That was where I lived.”
“You lived there with Gran?”
I nodded. “That’s right. This is where I met Gran.”
The orphanage, much like Giovanni’s, wasn’t the expansive and towering building I remembered from my youth. It actually wasn’t much bigger than Lark Cove School. It had been abandoned, all of the windows dark and boarded up. The doors were locked shut with a chain.
But it had once been home and I wanted Charlie to know where I’d come from.
I’d spent many lonely days and nights in that building. I’d had countless nights wishing for someone to love me, endless days hoping someone would want me to be a part of their family.
That’s all I’d ever wished for.
A family. Unconditional love.
It hadn’t happened right away, but Charlie was all of those wishes come true.
Maybe Hazel had been right. Maybe coming back here would help me put to rest the memories from the past.
Because I knew now, I wouldn’t be back here again.
My phone dinged with a new email and I took it out of my purse.
From: anonymous743
Subject: You’re nothing but a cheap whore.
Anonymous743 had been emailing me all week. One per day, ever since the first. I knew now they weren’t spam. Even after I’d blocked the account, they still kept coming. The email gods didn’t care that some unknown person was harassing me.
But like I’d done with each of the previous, I deleted it and told myself they’d stop. I’d probably just pissed off a customer traveling through Lark Cove. A couple weeks ago, there’d been a group of drunk assholes in the bar who had bitched constantly about my food, drinks and service. One of them was probably having a real laugh right now.
I looked up from my phone, staring back at the orphanage.
The joke was on Anonymous743, because if I could sit here in front of the place where I’d mostly known loneliness and not crumble, then a stupid email wasn’t going to break me.
“Okay,” I told the driver. “We can go.”
As he drove us back to Manhattan, I replayed the afternoon. In a way, seeing Ruth at Giovanni’s had been a blessing. It had pissed me off enough to go to the orphanage. And there, I’d remembered why I left New York in the first place.
To build my own life. To live by my choices. To be with the only family I’d ever known.
Logan and I had been living in a dream these past couple of weeks, but it was time to wake up and face reality. The snooze button had been pushed long enough.
When we left here on Monday, I was letting him go. I was breaking this off before we spent months or years struggling through a long-distance relationship that could only end in pain for us both.
