“I need to talk to you,” I whisper as I pass Justin in the library. He’s dressed in dark slim-fit jeans that show off his powerful legs and a gray sweater that clings to arms I know are strong enough to flip me over into any position he wants.
His eyes narrow. Me talking to him like this in front of people isn’t allowed. Gossip spreads through this place like wildfire, and I can already feel interested eyes resting on us. “Later,” he hisses, glancing around. He passes me, pulling his bag more firmly onto his shoulder, and I make the mistake of watching him leave just a little too long. It’s the swagger in his gait that has me mesmerized. I know how that ass feels thrusting under my fingers. I know how salty his skin tastes when he’s worked up a sweat to make me come.
“Later” means at his house, where prying eyes can’t see us. His house where I’ll feel out of my depth because it’s his home ground. I’ve always felt a little uncomfortable sliding between the sheets that I know his momma put on his bed, looking up at ceiling cracks that my friend Cathy must have studied too. There’s one that looks like an eagle’s face. I wonder if she thought that as Justin licked between her legs, using his fingers to spread her open enough to take his big cock. The thought makes me feel sick with myself. Justin’s words ring in my ears. “Cathy doesn’t own me. Just because we dated in the past doesn’t mean she can control me for the rest of my life.” And he’s right to a certain extent. We haven’t technically done anything wrong. They haven’t dated for well over three months, but emotions aren’t logical, and we haven’t exactly been upfront.
It’s that guilt that prickles my skin.
I’ve gnawed my nails to the quick by the time my classes are over. Cora makes idle conversation about what we’re going to do at the weekend. I nod when she suggests going to the mall, even though making plans as frivolous as that suddenly feels wrong. I tell her I’m not feeling great and should get home, and then I rush off to my car. I see Justin getting into his truck across the lot, and my heart skitters. What must he be thinking right now? Probably nothing close to what I’m actually going to tell him.
When I slump into the driver’s seat, closing the door, I gaze around at the stream of students leaving the buildings around me, the blue of the sky, and the vivid green of the trees that flutter in the soft breeze. It feels as though I’m taking a picture of something that I’ve never really been a part of. Most of the students live in dorms and frat houses. Only some, like me and Sean, don’t have families that can afford accommodation. I feel that my view of the world will be different because I won’t be the same after I open my mouth and I say the words I’ve been keeping bottled inside.
Usually I drive home, leave my car there, and then walk to Justin’s. Leaving my car out front would be too much of a risk, but I’m feeling tired to my bones today, and the nausea that triggered the test is worse too. When I ring Justin’s doorbell, and he opens, I see his eyes flick to my car. I’m expecting him to tell me to move it, but the strange energy that I feel pulsing from me must be palpable enough that he doesn’t mention it.
Justin leads the way to his room and flops onto his bed, picking up his phone. There’s no kiss hello or affectionate hug. There’s nothing but swagger and arrogance. The things that made him so sexy to me before don’t seem so intriguing anymore. As I stand by the closed door, he tosses his phone onto his nightstand and tugs off his t-shirt, looking over at me, still fully clothed. “What?” he asks. He’s seriously expecting sex. I suppose I can’t blame him. Conversation has never been an important part of our time together.
Even under the circumstances, with the enormous weight of the secret I’m holding pressing against my chest, his body still calls me. I wonder if I’ll ever get so close to such a good-looking man again, or if I’ll ever touch him again. Part of me wants to drop my skirt and panties to the floor and climb into bed next to him just one more time. I could imprint the memory of the girl I am in his bed into my memory before things change.
They’re going to change big time, and for good.
“I… I need to tell you something.”
Justin tosses his shirt onto the floor and leans back against his pillows with one arm behind his head.
“Is Cathy badmouthing me again? You know, that girl just doesn’t seem to be able to get over me. You shouldn’t listen to what she’s got to say. It’s not coming from a good place.”
I shake my head, finding my bottom lip gripped between my teeth with nerves. Cathy has been badmouthing Justin, but only because she wants him back. It’s taking longer this time, probably because Justin has me to keep him distracted and satisfied. Me to kill time with. Me to use while Cathy swears and lashes out.
My stomach roils with morning sickness, even though it’s the afternoon, and I get a sudden desperate craving for the dry breadsticks I have in my purse.
“It’s nothing to do with Cathy,” I say slowly, noticing the flicker of disappointment in his eyes. They are both as bad as each other. There are many things I could say to soften the two words that are going to shatter everything, but I’m too tired and too close to throwing up to bother sugar-coating anything with Justin anymore. He’s going to get it straight up, like a dagger to the heart. “I’m pregnant.”
I think it’s the first time that I’ve ever seen Justin’s jaw drop. His raised arm slumps down to rest across his chest defensively. His eyes scan me as though he’s waiting for me to burst out laughing and confirm that this is all a stupid joke. I shift on my feet, waiting.
“What?”
“I’m pregnant.”
“You can’t be,” he says. “I wore condoms. It can’t be mine.”
Nice. He’s suggesting I’m fucking someone else when he knows he was my first and should know he’s my only. “One of them must have failed,” I say. “I haven’t been with anyone else.”
He turns from me then, sliding his legs off the bed and facing the window, muscles in his back bunched with tension. “You need to get an abortion,” he says. “This… it can’t happen. What will Cathy say?”
Of course, this would become about Cathy. How can anything in life not be about her? She’s the center of the fricking universe. I hold my breath, trying to keep my cool. There is so much I could yell at Justin right now. So many hurt and vicious things that would turn my tongue black, but it won’t change a thing for either of us. “I’m not going to get an abortion.”
He stands then, his hands balled at his sides and face as furious as I’ve ever seen it. “I don’t want this. I’m too young.”
“Your momma was my age. My momma was my age. If they could do it, we should do it.”
When his fist smashes into the wall, I step back until my back is pressed against the door. He looks at his busted knuckles as though they don’t belong to him, as though he suddenly exists in someone else’s body. It’s how I feel, too, apart from myself, looking on at a situation I never imagined would be mine. I said “we,” but I guess “I” would have been a better choice of words. I can do it. I can have this baby, because how can I not?
I got myself into this mess. I knew in my heart that Justin was just using me to pass the time, but I didn’t care. For once, I just wanted a taste of something that set my pulse racing. I wanted to believe that I could make him love me. I wanted to believe there could be a person out there just for me.
I should have known better. I got myself into this mess, and Justin isn’t going to get me out of it.
I run my hand across the cool wood of the door until I find the handle. Justin’s green eyes are fixed on mine, but instead of burning with lust, they’re burning with hate.
This moment will be charred into my memory. I don’t want to look at him and see the terrified, glorified child that he’s become in front of my eyes. Boys punch walls. Boys don’t face up to their actions. Being able to fuck doesn’t make anyone a man. It certainly doesn’t make anyone a father.
I yank the door open and walk away.
Each step I take from Justin’s room and through his childhood home feels like a step away from the girl I was when I first came here. A girl who looked for love in the wrong place. A girl who didn’t believe she deserved any more than the crumbs that she was given, the crumbs brushed off her friend’s table.
I’m not stupid enough to think that having a child is going to be easy.
I’m not stupid enough to think that Justin’s going to want to be involved in any way.
But clinging onto something that never was isn’t going to help. Looking back with regret isn’t going to get me anywhere good. I have seven and a half months to get my shit together, and that is what I’ll have to do. As I shut Justin’s front door, I place my hand over my belly. It’s still as flat as it’s always been, toned from hours of training in the flips and jumps that have put me front and center of the cheer team.
Knowing there’s more in there than just my own flesh and blood moves me in a way that surprises me to the core.
One down, one to go.
Telling Justin was easy compared to what it’s going to be like to tell my mom.
