I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do.
Eleven men stand around me, waiting for a response, but how can I make this decision? They make the options sound so easy. Either way, I’ve got support, but they don’t know what they’re letting themselves in for. Me with my big mouth. Me who went behind my best friend’s back to sleep with her ex-boyfriend, knowing deep down they had unfinished business but wanting to taste just a little of the life she had. Me who knew my mom was tired but created more burden for her anyway. I’m not the kind of girl they need in their lives.
Life is so much more complex than they make it seem. Maybe this is what comes of having stability and happiness growing up. Maybe the life these men had with my father was so good they can’t imagine things not working out. I know they must have been through hard times, but they had their “happy ever after” family. They’ve created what seems like an impenetrable bond with strangers, so now trying to do the same with me doesn’t seem like such a big deal.
It is a big deal.
But as much as I know it’s foolish, I think about my cousin and her pure contentment. I think about all the challenges that Danna must have faced on her journey with the Jacksons, but they didn’t give up.
I think about the feeling of John’s lips on mine, his strong body cradling me, and I want to give up holding myself as tight as a clamshell. I want to pretend so much that I’m the kind of girl who could make a man happy. That I have even a tiny chance of making eleven men happy.
Danna knew what she wanted, and she went for it. She allowed herself to be open to falling in love in a way that is so alien to normal society, but it worked for her. I’m not naïve enough to think that these men are carbon copies of the Jacksons. I’m certainly not on a par with my cousin. She’s warm and bubbly and fits into the rancher’s wife role so easily it’s practically sickening.
But that doesn’t mean things can’t work out for me, does it? I glance around, finding so many eyes on me that it’s overwhelming, but I have an idea. There are so many of them and only one of me. Maybe I don’t have to be the one who works out what to do. Maybe I should just leave it to these big, capable men. They want to take care of me… maybe they should start now.
“Brothers or lovers. That’s quite a choice.”
“Which would you prefer?” Sean asks. I can see which one he’s hoping for by his sexy smile and the way he’s leaning forward with eagerness.
“I want to know how you voted,” I say. “All I could hear was what you were voting about and then who you wanted to help me with Dad’s room.”
“Lovers,” Gordon practically growls.
“All of you?”
Gordon shakes his head. “The details of the vote don’t matter, Maggie. Once a motion is passed, everybody accepts the majority.”
“How could I possibly consider being with someone who didn’t vote in favor?”
“Can I make a suggestion,” John says, “before lunch is ruined. Can we just hang out? As individuals or smaller groups. I feel like there are so many of us and only one of you. I can feel how intimidating this must be for you. Let’s just have a great meal together, and kick back after and see what happens. You can spend time with each of us and see how things develop.”
I nod, so grateful that he seems to be able to see below the surface to the heart of the situation. “That sounds good.”
“Okay. Now that’s sorted, let’s get this food on the table and into our bellies.”
The bustle of activity that happens next is overwhelming and reminds me a lot of life at the Jackson ranch. The table is set, beers retrieved from the fridge, food arranged on huge platters and placed in the center of the table as everyone takes their seats. I’m urged to sit between John and Harley, whether it’s coincidence or whether it’s because they’re the ones I’ve spent the most time with up until now, I’m not sure. It’s as though the boys understand how to ease me in, and that gives me more hope than I could have imagined I’d have.
The meal is delicious, but even so, I have to eat just a small portion so as not to stress my stomach. They’ve even provided me with an iced tea, which is so thoughtful. I listen to their conversations, trying to fit their personalities to their appearances. Usually, in a group of men, I’d find some that just don’t appeal to me. Justin’s teammates were a real mixed bunch, from good guys to man-whores, respectful, hard workers to assholes riding on their families’ social position. It’s different here. Even though they have contrasting characters, there’s no one who’s rude or disrespectful. Not one man among these eleven does anything to alienate me.
Are they on their best behavior? Probably, but as Danna said, my dad raised them to be good men, and they really do seem to be living up to his expectations.
Afterward, I offer to do the dishes, but I’m waved away and told to put my feet up in the den. I take a seat in the corner of the sofa that faces out onto the yard. While the boys are putting things away, I text my mom to let her know that I saw Danna and haven’t planned a date to leave yet. I catch up on the messages in various group chats, finding out that Justin and Cathy are back together. Everyone seems so far away and the situation so distant that I feel numb to the news. Maybe it’s a good sign, or maybe a bad one. I can’t be sure.
Cora is the only one from our group to reach out and check up on me, sending her condolences about Dad. She also tentatively states that she hopes I’m okay… with everything. I guess it’s her way of saying that she knows about the pregnancy but isn’t being presumptuous about asking me anything outright. That’s why Cora is the only one on the cheer team who I really miss. She tries to blend in with the other girls, but behind it all, she’s really a good person.
I tell her I’m okay and that I’ll call her soon. She responds with a smiley emoji, and that’s it. My contact with back home is done.
Logan is the first to come back into the room, and when he sees me, he smiles. “It’s funny that you chose that place to sit. It’s where your dad always used to kickback. He said he liked to be able to look outside at the trees.
“That’s why I chose it too.”
“You know, I wanted to say that I’m sorry about the other day… you know… on Main Street.”
“I didn’t grow up under a rock,” I say. “Boys do that kind of thing in my hometown too.”
“Yeah, but… I wish I hadn’t.”
I can’t say that I expected Logan to admit that anything he does is wrong. He’s got that straight-backed air about him that shouts fuck you to the world and a swagger in the way he walks that says he doesn’t care about anything. Out of all of my foster brothers, he’s the one my friends would call a bad boy.
His gray eyes swim like liquid metal, made more ethereal by the dark sweep of his brow and lashes. In his jeans and fitted shirt, he looks like a cover model and so totally out of my league that I’m almost shy to look at him.
“Why do you wish you hadn’t?”
Logan takes a seat in the opposite corner of the couch, throwing his arm over the back. His long legs stretch almost to where I’m sitting. “I keep thinking about that moment you arrived at the front door… you must have had a really low opinion of me. You must have wondered what we felt about your dad.”
I shrug. “I didn’t know that you existed until after it happened. I think I was mostly just overwhelmed at the situation.”
“I loved him,” Logan says solemnly. “He was a great dad. We’re all fucking lost without him… just trying to keep going with normal day-to-day things.”
Tears burn in my throat, but I swallow them down and breathe out a long breath through pursed lips. “We all deal with grief differently,” I say. “The people left behind have to find a way to carry on. You guys seem capable of doing that, and it’s not a bad thing.”
Logan nods in agreement. “He raised us to be independent. I don’t know if he had a feeling that he wasn’t going to be around or if it was just his way.”
“Maybe he worried. I can understand why he would. There were so many of you relying on him and he knew you’d already been let down in your lives. He wouldn’t have wanted to do that to you again.”
Logan nods. “As long as we’re okay… you and me?”
“We’re okay,” I smile.
Harley, Hunter, and Reggie are the next to join us in the den. Then the rest drift in too. The television is fired up, and they ask me to pick a movie for us all to watch. I joke with them, suggesting many chick flicks and getting a ton of groans in response. It’s so funny that I’m almost tempted to demand we watch some cheesy Vampire romances back-to-back. In the end, I’m not so cruel, and we opt to watch an 80s teen movie that I know is awesome. The drapes are closed, and there’s lots of laughter. I end up sitting next to Sean, who halfway through the movie, throws his arm around the back of the sofa. As I would have expected from him, there’s no embarrassment there. He turns and grins down at me, the whites of his teeth flashing in the darkness, almost daring me to object, but I don’t.
Instead, I snuggle against his chest, letting him play with my hair, and then stroke the soft skin at the back of my neck. The film passes but my whole body is primed by his touch and the mesmerizing beat of his heart against my ear. I know his brothers are watching us. I can sense eyes on me in the dark, but it doesn’t feel awkward. It feels as though they are rooting for us.
If we have a chance of getting to where Danna and the Jacksons are, there are going to be lots of moments like this. We will all have to be open with our minds, our hearts, and our bodies.
This feels like a crazy journey, but I’m going to give it enough of a chance to see where it’s going to lead me.
