I was curled up on the couch, sipping a cup of tea when I heard the knock. At first, I thought I’d imagined it. I went still and listened.
Then I heard it again.
Right away, I knew who it was, and I honestly debated not answering. Only thirty minutes ago, we’d agreed that we should not see each other. He was the one who’d stated it first. And he was right. Not only was it wrong, but we’d risk someone catching him coming or going. Beyond that, the last thing I needed was to get hung up on Zach Barrett—my ex’s dad, who lived across the country, who’d already had a vasectomy because he’d never wanted kids in the first place, and who’d be a grandfather within a year.
But it could happen. It could easily happen.
He was gorgeous and protective and kind. He might not wear his heart on his sleeve, but I’d felt it beating hard against mine. He cared enough about the son he’d never known about to come here and try to make amends. He made me laugh. He made me feel good about myself. He gave me the kinds of orgasms I’d only read about.
He knocked again. Louder this time.
Turning the TV off, I closed my eyes. Inhaled and exhaled. If I answered the door, would I have the strength to turn him away?
I’d have to find it somewhere.
Rising from the couch, I realized with dismay that I was not looking my best. I wore no makeup, my hair had not been washed today, and I had on plaid flannel pants and a T-shirt so old that its original color was lost to memory. But whatever—maybe it was better this way.
My cats, who’d cautiously wandered into the hallway to see what the excitement was, looked at me expectantly. “I’m telling him to leave,” I whispered, grasping the door handle. “Now go away.”
They scurried back into the kitchen, and I took one more deep breath before pulling the door open.
There he stood. Tall and bearded and brooding and hot as fuck. My resolve weakened, but I stood firm. Allowed no hint of a welcoming smile.
“I wasn’t going to come,” he said.
I lifted my chin. “I didn’t want you to.”
The standoff lasted ten full seconds.
He lunged for me at the same moment I reached for him. I stumbled backward as his body slammed into mine, vaguely hearing the door bang shut behind him. We tore at clothing, our breath coming hard and fast, our kiss becoming more like a battle with lips and tongues and teeth as weapons. We tumbled to my living room floor, groping, gasping, growling, grinding. We were naked inside a minute. My back on the Moroccan wool rug. His chest above me. My nails clawing at his back. His cock driving into me with the force of a freight train.
We were loud and rough and quick—it seemed no time at all had gone by, no chance to stop and think, no opportunity to slow down and reconsider our decision before we were crying out with the release—our bodies refusing to be denied.
Afterward, Zach braced himself above me. “I want you to know, that wasn’t the plan.”
Irritated, I pushed at his chest. “Let me up.”
Surprised by my anger, he disengaged from my body. I scrambled to my feet, threw my T-shirt on, and hurried into the small downstairs half-bath, where I cleaned up and studied my face in the mirror. Matted hair, flushed face, puffy lips. I scowled at myself. I wasn’t even sure why I was so mad, but I was. I splashed some cold water on my face, patted it dry, and brought the towel out with me.
When I came out, Zach had already gotten dressed and stood in the dark living room like he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. Ignoring him, I knelt down on the rug and felt around for a mess. I didn’t feel any wetness, but I scrubbed at the spot anyway. Hard. Like I was trying to erase what we’d done.
Zach let it go on for a moment, watching silently. “You’re going to put a hole in that rug.”
I pressed my lips together.
“Talk to me.” He walked over and took me by the elbow, bringing me to my feet. “You’re angry.”
“You said you couldn’t see me tonight. You said you couldn’t come here.”
“Millie,” he said quietly, his eyes burning into mine. “If I could stay away from you, don’t you think that I would?”
My breath caught. “I shouldn’t have let you in.”
“Don’t be mad at yourself—this is my fault.”
“I’m mad at both of us, Zach! What are we doing?” I tossed a hand in the air.
“I don’t know,” he said quietly.
“We keep saying this has to stop, and then we don’t stop. What is our problem?”
“We like each other?” The fact that it came out as a question nearly made me smile.
“But we’re not animals,” I argued. “We have instincts, but we also have morals.”
“Actually, some animals do have morals.”
I looked at him. “You know what I mean.”
He smiled—barely. “Sorry. I know what you mean.”
“I just—I can’t understand why it’s so hard for us to do what we know is right. We are not bad people. So why are we acting like it?”
“I think it’s complicated.”
“But it shouldn’t be,” I said heatedly, shaking my head. “We’re making it complicated. Every time we give in to this—this—whatever it is, we’re making things worse.” To my chagrin, my eyes filled with tears. “How can something that makes me feel so good also make me feel so bad?”
“Hey. Come here.” Zach pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I let him envelop me in his masculine warmth, pressing close to his firm, broad chest. I wasn’t a child, but Zach had a way of making me feel cosseted and safe when he held me like this.
In fact, the pure bliss of it set off an alarm in my head, and I tried to pull away. Zach just held me tighter.
“There’s nothing wrong with us,” he said. “It’s just everything outside that door that’s the problem.”
“I know. And when we’re together, I get so carried away, I convince myself nothing out there matters. But it does.”
“It does,” he agreed.
“That’s why I should tell you to go now, before someone sees your car on the street.”
“And it’s why I would leave if you asked.”
I closed my eyes. “What if I don’t ask?”
“Then I would stay.”
“God. I feel like I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. The angel is telling me to say goodnight.”
“And the devil?”
“The devil says all our problems would be solved if I just move my car out of the garage and you pulled yours in.”
“I’m not sure that solves all our problems, but it takes care of the immediate one.”
I pressed my cheek to his chest, tucking my head beneath his chin. “Since you’re already here tonight, maybe you could just stay. And in the morning, we’ll say goodbye and part as friends.”
“I’ll move both cars,” he said. “Where are your keys?”
“Did you always want to be a SEAL?” I asked, tucked in the crook of his arm. I had no idea what time it was—somewhere in the middle of the night—but we were post-round two, finally cooled off enough to pull the covers up to our chests.
“I always wanted to fight bad guys,” he said.
“And did you?” I ran my fingers along the scar on his right arm.
“Yes.”
“What do you think gave you such a strong sense of justice? Or was it just that you wanted to be a badass in uniform?”
He didn’t answer right away. “It was losing my sister.”
I stopped moving my hand on his arm. “Poppy, right?”
“Right.” The room seemed even more silent. “It was my fault.”
My stomach dropped. “What?”
“It was my fault,” he repeated, his tone matter-of-fact.
I sat up and looked at him. “What do you mean? I thought you said it was an accident.”
“It was my negligence that caused the accident. I was supposed to be watching her.”
“But you were only seven!”
“I was old enough.” His voice was reedy. “We were playing outside. I left her alone in the front yard while I went into the garage to find the pump to put air in my bike tires. She wandered. We lived near a lake.”
My throat clutched, and my eyes watered. “You poor thing. Your parents blamed you?”
“No. But I didn’t need them to blame me. I knew it was my fault.”
“Oh, Zach, it wasn’t.” I lay down again, wrapping my arms around him. “Don’t say that.”
“Other kids my age, friends of mine, hated having their little sisters around. They’d be so mean about it. But I never minded.”
I kissed his chest, holding my lips to his skin.
“There was no one to punish for it,” he said. “It felt like a crime, but there was no bad guy—just me.”
Tears slipped from my eyes. “You weren’t the bad guy, Zach.”
“I was so angry—so fucking angry after that. I was just waiting to be able to put it somewhere. I wanted to fight. And I didn’t care if I got killed or not. I didn’t give a single fuck. I just wanted to fight the bad guys and protect the innocent. Like I’d failed to protect her.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I just held him.
My heart ached for him—for the little boy who blamed himself for his beloved sister’s tragic death, for the angry teenager determined to fight bad guys because he couldn’t fight himself, for the man in my bed who still carried it all with him.
“I’ve never said this stuff to anyone,” he said.
“Thank you for telling me,” I whispered, wiping my eyes.
He kissed my head. “Do you wish you’d have told me to leave earlier?”
“Not at all. We’re going to be friends, right? Friends trust each other with their deepest secrets.”
“So what’s yours?”
“Well, don’t tell anyone, but I banged my ex’s dad.”
“Very funny.” He shifted onto his side and propped his head in his hand. “I’m serious. Tell me something about you. Something no one else knows.”
“Hmmm.” I tried to think of something I’d never even told my sisters. “There is one thing . . . but it’s embarrassing.”
He tapped my nose. “Tell me.”
“Okay.” I took a breath. “Over the past few months, I’ve been googling something kind of weird.”
“Millie, we all watch porn.”
I slapped his chest. “It’s not porn. It’s . . . sperm banks.”
“Sperm banks?” He made a face. “Like for donor sperm?”
“Yes. Lately I’ve been starting to worry that if I don’t find the one, I might miss out on my chance to have a family. I hate to say people are right about the biological clock thing, but there’s truth there. Once you hit thirty-five, you’re considered of advanced maternal age.”
“I remember Kimberly—my ex-wife—saying something similar.”
“Anyway, it’s just something at the back of my mind. Nothing I’m obsessing over.”
He stroked his hand up and down my shoulder. “So tell me about this one. What are you looking for?”
“Well, he has to be a nice person. Smart, but I don’t need a genius. He should have a solid job, something stable. And I’d like it if he could make me laugh, or at least had a good personality.”
Zach stared at me. “That’s it? A nice guy with a stable job, not too smart, somewhat funny?” He shook his head. “Babe, you’re selling yourself short.”
“I’m not,” I argued. “I didn’t mention money because I know it doesn’t buy happiness. And I didn’t mention looks because those fade. I’ve seen Beauty and the Beast. I know beauty lies within.”
He laughed. “But you could do so much better than the average Joe you just described. That guy is beneath you. You’d be bored.”
“Boring would be fine,” I countered, sitting up. “Boring is at least safe. I don’t want someone who thinks he could run out the door and find a better life—I want him to need me. I never want to be scared he’ll leave.” The words were out before I realized what I was saying. I wanted to double back and try to explain it in a way that didn’t make me sound afraid and insecure, but I thought maybe it would be better if I just stopped talking.
“I understand,” Zach said.
Embarrassed I’d gotten so worked up, I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to rant.”
“Come here.” He tugged me back down, so I was snuggled alongside his body again, and pulled the covers up. “You have the right to do anything you want with your life. If you want to use a sperm donor to have a baby, go for it.”
“Well, I don’t want to. I’m just worried about waiting around too long, looking for my average Joe. What’s taking him so long?”
“Is it selfish of me to say I’m glad you haven’t found him yet?”
“Yes.” I smiled. “But I don’t mind. If he was here, you wouldn’t be. And right now, all I want is you.”
When I woke up, he wasn’t next to me. I sat up, wondering if he’d taken off without saying goodbye. I sat up, clutching the blankets to my chest. It was still dark. I reached over and tapped my phone screen to check the time and discovered it was just before four.
Was he gone already?
Outside, I heard a car door slam, followed by the closing of my garage. I relaxed a little—he was just moving the cars.
He entered the bedroom a minute later and dropped onto the edge of the bed. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I smiled shyly at him. “I thought maybe you’d snuck out without saying goodbye.”
“Nah. I wouldn’t do that to you. I just wanted to get your car back in the garage.”
“I could have moved it.”
“It’s all done.” He tugged a strand of my hair. “I better go. I need to make that flight, and the longer I sit here looking at you, the harder it will be to leave.”
I nodded. Swallowed hard. “Okay.”
“Friends?” He held out his hand.
“Friends.” I shook it. It was chilly from being outside.
He looked at our clasped hands for a moment, then gently pulled his away. “So what will you do today?”
“If I can find the energy, I’ll go to my strength training class at nine.”
“Strength training, huh?”
“Yes.” I flexed my bicep. “You mean you couldn’t tell?”
He laughed and felt the muscle. “Very impressive.”
“Then I’m meeting my sister Winnie’s boyfriend at the jewelry store. He wants my opinion on the ring he’s going to propose with.”
“Sounds like a busy day.”
“I’ll still find time to think about you.”
He grinned. “Come on. We’ve been friends for like three minutes straight. We’re doing so well.”
“Sorry.” I grinned back, even though my heart was sinking. Was this the last time I’d ever see him? “Well . . . be safe.”
“Always.” He leaned over and kissed my cheek, then rested his forehead on my temple. “Don’t be a stranger, okay? And don’t you dare settle for that slowpoke average Joe.”
I nodded, since I didn’t trust myself to speak. A moment later, he was gone.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I swallowed the lump in my throat and told myself it was stupid to cry over losing something that had never been mine in the first place.
Downtown was busy, and I had to park two blocks down from the jewelry store. My feet felt heavy as I trudged up the sidewalk, just like they had at class this morning. In fact, the coach kept coming over to me to ask if I was okay. I’d said I was fine, just tired. It was half true, anyway.
When I caught sight of Dex standing right outside the door, looking like he was about to pass out, I had to smile. “Hey,” I said as I approached. “What are you doing out here?”
“I was sweating in there,” he said.
“Why? Are you nervous?”
He looked at me like I was crazy. “Fuck yes, I’m nervous. I can’t screw this up, Millie.”
I gave him a quick hug. “You are not going to screw this up—it would be impossible to screw this up! Winnie is head over heels in love with you, and this is going to make her the happiest she’s ever been.”
“You think so?” He rubbed the back of his neck.
“I know so. Now come on, show me the rings you’ve picked out. I’m dying!”
He held the door open for me, and I went into the shop, where gems and precious metals glittered and gleamed under sparkling clear glass. A dark-haired woman in a suit with a name tag that read Kirsten recognized Dex and came right over. “You’re back. Have you decided?”
“Almost.” He gestured at me. “This is Winnie’s sister, Millie. I just wanted to get her opinion before deciding for sure.”
“Of course.” Kirsten smiled at me. “He’s chosen some gorgeous rings. Give me one minute to collect them, and I’ll meet you at the back counter.”
“I can’t wait.” Excited, and beyond grateful for this happy distraction, I hooked my hands through Dex’s elbow and gave his arm a squeeze. Together we wandered back to the display case showing off rings in every imaginable size, color, and style. My eyes roamed over diamonds and sapphires and emeralds and rubies set in gold and platinum. Classic solitaires nestled among more extravagant cluster, cathedral, and halo settings. There were stones cut in every possible way—round, pear, oval, marquise, cushion. Some were small and discreet, some were as big and round as doorknobs. “I can see why it’s overwhelming,” I said.
“Well, a lot of these are out of the question because of budget,” he said with a shrug. “I wish I could afford a massive rock, but I just can’t.”
“Listen to me. Winnie does not care about a massive rock. She only cares that you are the one who’ll put it on her finger.”
“Here we are.” Kirsten appeared and set a black velvet cushion in front of us with three diamond rings inserted into a horizontal seam.
“Oh, Dex,” I whispered, covering my mouth with both hands. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.
The ring on the left was a round solitaire on a plain platinum band—elegant, modern, simple. The one in the center was emerald-cut and set between two baguettes—sleek and stunning. But it was the one on the right that set my heart fluttering. I just knew instantly it was Winnie’s. The stone wasn’t as big as the other two, but it was princess-cut and set on a delicate band of pavé diamonds.
“The round cut is the most popular with brides these days,” said Kirsten. “It shows off maximum brightness. The emerald cut produces a sort of ‘hall of mirrors’ effect that’s really breathtaking. And the princess cut—”
“That’s the one,” I said, pointing at it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cut you off,” I said to Kirsten. “But I just have this feeling about that ring.”
Dex laughed. “That one is Hallie and Luna’s favorite too—probably because of the princess thing.”
Kirsten smiled. “It’s a beautiful stone.”
“Can I try it on?” I blurted.
“Of course.” Kirsten pulled it from the velvet and handed it to me.
I began slipping it on my finger, then I looked at Dex. “Is this okay?”
He smiled. “Sure.”
I held my breath as I worked it onto my finger, then held my hand out to admire it. “God. It’s so beautiful. But it’s your decision, Dex. Don’t let me make it for you.”
“You don’t think she’d want the biggest diamond?” he asked, gesturing at the solitaire.
I shook my head. “No. I don’t.”
“Okay. Then I guess the decision is made.”
“Wonderful.” Kirsten beamed. “We’ll have it sized, cleaned, and ready for you in a few days.”
Reluctantly, I worked the ring from my finger and gave it to Kirsten, who said she’d be right back with the paperwork.
“You’ve got her ring size and everything?” I asked Dex.
He nodded. “I had the girls sneak a ring from her jewelry box to me, and I brought it in. Then they snuck it back into the box without her noticing it was gone. Operation Cat Burglary, they called it. Luna wore cat ears. Hallie dressed in all black.”
I laughed. “I can picture it perfectly. Have you decided when you’ll pop the question?”
“I think Christmas morning. The girls thought it would be fun to put the ring box in her stocking—they’re going to make her a stocking to hang at our place this year.”
“Oh.” I fanned my face as my eyes filled. “That’s so sweet.”
“Now they just have to keep it a secret until then. Which will be hard because they’re so excited. They love her so much.”
I gave up trying not to cry and dug a tissue out of my purse to dab my eyes. “You’re all going to be so happy, Dex. Everything about this proposal is perfect.”
“She deserves perfection.” He hesitated. “But she’ll have to settle for me.”
I laughed and gave him another impetuous hug, patting him on the back. “You’re all she wants, I promise. And I can’t wait to call you my brother.”
