“This one?” Zach gestured at the balsam fir.
I studied it critically through softly falling snow. Took a sip of my hot chocolate. “No. There’s something weird going on at the top.”
He gave me a look. “This is like the tenth tree you’ve rejected.”
“I know, but I have to look at it every day. I want it to be perfect.”
He grit his teeth and walked up the row a little more, bow saw in one hand, blue plastic tarp in the other. “How about this one?”
I walked around the tree in question. Poked in its branches to check for animals. Leaned in and sniffed it. “It doesn’t have a scent.”
“Yes, it does. You have a cold—you can’t smell.”
I shook my head. “This isn’t the one.”
He exhaled, his breath making a little white puff in the icy air. “It’s a tree, Millie Rose. Not a wedding dress.”
“Let’s keep looking.” I nudged him forward with one elbow, and we turned up the next row.
“How about this one?” He pointed the saw toward another tree. “It’s nice and full at the top.”
I took a step back and looked it up and down. “It is. I like it.” Putting my nose in its branches, I inhaled as deeply as I could. “And I can smell it!”
“Is this the one?”
I nodded enthusiastically. “This is the one.”
“Finally.”
“Hey, you’re the one who said you wanted to come with me.”
“I didn’t know how particular you were going to be.” He pulled the tape measure from his pocket and double-checked it would fit.
“I can’t help it. The tree sets the whole tone for the holiday.”
He grumbled as he got down on his knees to examine the trunk.
“Don’t be grouchy around my tree.” I poked his butt with the toe of my boot. “You’ll give it bad juju. I want a jolly tree.”
“One jolly tree coming up.”
Honestly, I had no idea how sexy cutting down a tree could be until I watched Zach sawing through the trunk of that evergreen. My insides did all kinds of twisting and tightening as he crouched down and gripped the handle of the bow saw, his arms and back muscles flexing. Could I see them beneath his winter clothing? No. But I knew what they looked like, and I had no trouble picturing him performing the task with no shirt on.
Since it was only about thirty degrees, though, we were both layered up with sweaters, coats, and gloves. My cold was getting better, but I still had a packet of tissues stuck in my pocket, and I wouldn’t let Zach kiss me in bed.
Which he said was fine, because there were plenty of other places on my body he enjoyed putting his mouth.
The first night at my house, we actually didn’t mess around at all. But falling asleep next to him was pure bliss, and waking up next to him the next morning was enough to make me smile even though I was still all stuffed up. It was a long day at work, and when I got home, I was tired but also bursting with excitement, because my first sample dresses had arrived, and I’d spent the day unpacking them, steaming them, hanging them up. When they were all displayed, I got tears in my eyes.
Zach had listened to me prattle on about it while he measured my living room ceiling and doorways with a tape measure so we’d know what size tree would fit. We’d had plenty of leftovers from the night before for dinner, so we warmed them up and ate sitting at the kitchen table again. Afterward, we did the dishes together and went upstairs, and it struck me how normal this felt. How sweet and ordinary—and yet it thrilled me to the bone.
This is what it could be like, I thought. And it’s exactly what I want.
When the tree was all wrapped up and tied to the roof of my car, we hit the road for home. The ride was about ninety minutes, since I’d chosen a farm way outside town in order to avoid the odds we’d run into anyone I knew. But I didn’t mind the extra hours spent with him—it was dark and cold and snowy outside, but the interior of my car was warm and cozy, and Zach’s hand rested on my lap. I’d vowed to stay in the moment, focus on the present, and let myself enjoy what time we had left.
Let my heart play pretend.
We were approaching town when I remembered I didn’t have a tree stand.
Zach groaned. “I asked you yesterday, and you said you did.”
“I’m sorry, I forgot that it broke and I threw it out. We can just hit the hardware store in town. I’ll go in alone.” I directed him to the store, and he pulled into a parking spot in the lot out front.
“I’ll be right back,” I said, unbuckling my seatbelt.
He put a hand on my leg. “I hate that I can’t go in there with you.”
“Zach, it’s just a tree stand. They’re not very heavy.” I flexed my bicep. “I work out, remember?”
“It’s not that. I just . . . want to do things for you. And there aren’t that many things I can do.”
I put my mittened hands on either side of his face, leaned over, and lightly kissed his lips. “You’re a sweetheart.”
“Will you at least let me pay for it?”
“No! You already bought the tree.” I patted his cheek. “I’ll be out in a minute. You stay here and don’t talk to anyone.”
He clenched his jaw and stared straight ahead, one wrist draped over the steering wheel. I grabbed my purse and hopped out of the car, humming a Christmas tune as I hurried into the store. After asking an employee where I might find a tree stand, I was directed to the seasonal section at the back of the store. I was looking for stands when I heard someone say my name.
“Millie?”
I looked up and saw Winnie’s best friend Ellie Fournier and her fiancé Gianni Lupo coming toward me. Over his thick gray sweater, Gianni was wearing a baby sling on his chest with their two-month-old daughter, Claudia, in it.
I smiled. “Hi, guys. How’s it going?”
“Good.” Ellie was pushing a cart with some holiday decorations in it. “Just doing some shopping since Gianni had a night off and the baby has decided she only likes falling asleep when someone is wearing her and walking around.”
“I don’t mind.” Gianni grinned and patted the baby’s butt through the wrap. “I like it, actually.”
I peeked at her little face. “Ohhh, she’s so sweet,” I whispered. “Look at those eyelashes.”
“You should see her eyes when they’re open,” said Gianni. “Prettiest blue eyes you’ve ever seen. Aside from yours, of course,” he added, leaning over to give Ellie a kiss on the cheek.
Ellie laughed. “Of course. So what brings you out?” she asked me.
“I’m looking for a tree stand. I got a tree today.”
“Nice.” Gianni smiled. “We’re planning to do that soon too.”
“I hear your new shop is coming along,” Ellie said. “Winnie talks about it nonstop. I can’t wait to come in and see it.”
“Come any time,” I said. “I’d love to show you around.”
The baby started to fuss, and Gianni bounced her a little, swaying back and forth and making gentle shushing noises. Ellie looked on appreciatively. “Turns out, Gianni is like the baby whisperer. Who’d have thought?”
“Not me.” He grinned. “I had no idea how much I’d love being a dad. But it’s the best.”
Envy squeezed my heart as I gave them a little wave. “Well, I won’t keep you. Nice seeing you—the baby is beautiful.”
“Thanks. Bye, Millie.”
They passed me by and I moved up the aisle, finally locating the tree stands. But instead of grabbing one off the shelf, I stood there for a moment, fighting sadness.
You’re being ridiculous, I told myself as tears blurred the red, green, and white boxes in front of me. Are you going to cry every time you see a new family? After a couple deep breaths, I picked a tree stand I hoped would work and went up front to pay for it.
That’s when I spotted Mason and Lori at checkout. Immediately I dropped my eyes to the floor and spun around, heading back in the direction I’d come from, as if I’d forgotten something. My heart rattled around in my ribcage, and my pulse beat like a drum in my head.
I lingered in the paint aisle, perusing brushes and rollers and rolls of tape without actually registering any of it. After five minutes, I snuck to the end of the row and peeked at the registers from behind a stack of paint cans. They were gone.
Breathing a sigh of relief, I paid for my tree stand and bolted out of there.
“I was starting to get worried,” Zach said when I got back in the car. “What took you so long?”
“Don’t ask,” I said, slouching down in my seat. “Just get us out of here.”
The following day at work, Frannie surprised me with an afternoon visit. She brought me a cup of coffee, which I accepted gratefully. “Thanks,” I said, inhaling its delicious aroma. “I could use a pick-me-up.”
“You sound better. How’s the cold?”
“Almost gone. I think it was just a two-day thing.”
She smiled with relief. “Good.”
“Let me show you what’s new,” I said eagerly, motioning for her to follow me to the back. “The sewing machine arrived, the dressing rooms are finished, and the painting is finally done. Best of all, I actually have some dresses!”
After I gave her a tour, we ended up by the front windows, where two dresses were displayed on either side of the double front doors. She gushed over them both, turned to face me, her blue eyes bright. “Oh, Millie, it’s so beautiful. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thank you.”
Just then, the door to the shop opened and Lori poked her head in. Behind her stood Mason. “I know you’re not open for business, but would it be okay to take a peek?”
“Sure,” Frannie said. “Come on in.”
They entered the shop, bringing a gust of cold air with them. “We were just downtown doing some shopping, and I saw the sign was up and the lights were on, and dresses were in the window!” she said excitedly. “I told Mason we had to stop in.”
I smiled at them both, squelching the guilty feeling in my belly. “I’m glad you did.”
“It looks great, Millie,” said Mason, looking around. “You must be so proud.”
“Thank you. I am.”
“It’s like a dream.” Lori’s eyes shone as she took it all in. “If I wasn’t already married, I’d come here to shop for a gown first thing. It’s so elegant and feminine and pretty.”
“Tell all your friends that,” encouraged Frannie.
“Oh, I will.” Lori clasped her hands together under her chin. “When will you start taking appointments?”
“I’m hoping by the first of the year.”
“That’s perfect!” she squealed. “Right after the holidays!”
“Mmhm.” I thought of Dex and Winnie, who’d be engaged by then.
“Speaking of holidays, you’re both coming to the Cloverleigh Farms Christmas Eve party, right?” Frannie asked them.
“Definitely,” said Lori, tucking her arm through Mason’s and giving him a sentimental smile. “That’s where we met last year, so it’s special to us.”
“That’s right.” Frannie laughed. “Hard to believe just one year later, you’re Mr. and Mrs. now.”
“Thanks to Millie.” Lori beamed at me. “We owe her a lot—not only for introducing us at that party, but for managing to get us a Saturday wedding date at Cloverleigh Farms on four months’ notice.”
I held up my hands. “There was a cancellation. It wasn’t me, it was just meant to be.”
“Still,” she said. “We’ll always be grateful.”
“My father, Zach, will be in town that night,” said Mason. “Would it be okay to bring him too?”
“Of course!” Frannie tossed a hand in the air. “The more, the merrier!”
Panic seized me, resulting in a coughing fit. I turned away from the group and walked toward the front desk, where I had a bottle of water. “Sorry,” I managed.
“Millie is just getting over a cold,” Frannie explained, as I guzzled water.
“Sorry to hear that,” Mason said.
“It’s okay.” I tried to breathe normally. “I’m on the mend.”
“Well, we’ll let you get back to work,” said Lori. “Just wanted to see the place—congrats again, Millie!”
“Thank you,” I called weakly, returning Mason’s wave and watching him hold the door for his wife and then follow her out.
When they were gone, Frannie looked at me. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. I just needed some water.”
“Okay. You just look really pale all of a sudden.” Her expression was concerned. “Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, okay?”
“I will.”
When I got home, Zach had dinner waiting and a fire going in the fireplace. My tree stood in the corner, tall and fragrant, ready for lights and ornaments. Our plan was to decorate after we ate.
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him about seeing Mason and Lori, but I couldn’t bring myself to mar the festive mood with anything unsettling. I’d already broken down in tears once this evening, right after Frannie left the store. And as soon as I got home, I’d run right upstairs under the guise of taking off my work clothes to make sure my face wasn’t blotchy and tearstained. The puffy and slightly red eyes I could blame on my cold, but I quickly applied some concealer and wiped away all traces of running mascara.
Downstairs, we ate the Mexican food Zach had ordered, then decorated the tree. Zach poked affectionate fun at the clumsily handmade ornaments I had from when I was little, and I needled him about not having a tree at all for the last few years.
“Who are you, Ebenezer Scrooge?” I teased.
“I think I lost Christmas in the divorce, along with the pots and pans.” He caught me in his arms from behind and buried his face in my hair. “But I didn’t even care.”
“Maybe you can get a tree this year,” I suggested. “There’s still time.”
“I don’t know. It wouldn’t be as fun without you there to help me decorate it. And what if I chose a grouchy tree? I might ruin Christmas altogether.”
I laughed, but the sound faded when I thought about this afternoon. “I heard you’re coming here. For Christmas, I mean.”
Behind me, he went stiff. “What?”
“I saw Mason and Lori today. They were downtown, and they came into the shop.”
“Oh.”
I turned within his embrace to face him. “Mason asked if he could bring you to the Cloverleigh Farms Christmas Eve party.”
His eyes closed. “Fuck.”
“I didn’t realize you’d decided to come.”
“It’s hard for me to say no to Mason. He really doesn’t ask much of me, all things considered.”
“I know.” I toyed with the buttons on his shirt. “You can go. I’ll stay home. I’ll say I don’t feel well.”
“Millie, no. That’s your family’s Christmas party. I’ll make up an excuse why I can’t attend.”
I shook my head, feeling us coming apart at the seams. “Lies and excuses. Making things up. Near misses at the hardware store—or anywhere else we go! Zach, we can’t keep doing this.”
“I know.” He swallowed, tightening his arms around my back. “I know.”
“This is getting too hard.” My voice caught, and I choked back a sob. “I think we have to stop. Because the longer this goes on, the more I feel for you. And the more I feel, the more hope starts to build that some way, somehow, we can be together. And we can’t.”
He tipped my chin up. “You’re so much younger than I am, Millie. Even if Mason didn’t have a problem with us, and we got over what everyone in town would think, you want things I can’t give you.”
“That’s what I mean. And yet I keep pretending—I’m like a kid who just wants to believe in Santa Claus even though I know darn well there’s no fat man in a red suit who slides down every chimney in the world on Christmas Eve.”
“I wish there was. I really fucking wish there was.”
“This is the reality we were always going to have to face. It’s not your fault or my fault. It’s just the way things are, Zach, and they won’t change.”
He wrapped me in his arms again, pulling me tighter to his broad, warm chest. “I think about you every minute of the day. I wish I could be the one, Millie Rose.”
“Maybe in another life, you could have been.” Tears leaked silently from my eyes.
He kissed the top of my head. When he spoke, his voice was gruff with emotion. “I’m not sure I’d have deserved you in any life, but I sure as hell would have tried.”
Of course, because neither of us was good at being apart, we went up to my bedroom and spent our last night together exactly the way we’d spent our first—only instead of fast, frantic fucking and fun games, we went slow, taking our time, savoring every single moment because we knew it was goodbye.
Afterward, we lay wrapped in each other’s arms, my head on his chest, loath to fall asleep and face the inevitable dawn of the day we’d have to part for good.
“I want to tell you something,” he said, breaking the silence.
“What?” I whispered.
“You once asked me why I got married. And I didn’t answer honestly.”
“Yes, you did. You said you didn’t want to be alone, so you thought you’d try it.”
“That wasn’t the whole truth.”
I picked up my head and looked at him, his features vague in the dark. “What’s the whole truth?”
He tucked my hair behind my ear. “I liked the idea that someone might . . . belong to me. That there was someone I had to protect and provide for. But I didn’t want to love anyone so much I couldn’t live without them. With her, that was never a danger. But with you . . .”
My heart stopped. “With me?”
“With you, it is. With you, it’s been a danger all along.”
Once again, the tears threatened to undo me. I put my head down again, listening to his heart beat while he held me close.
I love you too, I mouthed. But like him, I didn’t say the words aloud.
Maybe that would make it easier.
