It feels like my heart is being ripped in half. Pippa looks up at me with a blank expression. There used to be light—and maybe even love—in her eyes when her eyes met mine. Now, there’s nothing but tears. I want to rip apart the world after seeing her like this, seeing her so upset.
“You don’t have to do this alone,” I tell her, wiping a tear from her cheek. There’s no use doing it; seconds after I’ve wiped it away, another one follows suit.
“What are we doing here?” Pippa asks. Even her voice is void of emotion. She’s pulling away from me. I can feel it, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had to fight for someone. I’ve never cared about someone enough to be in this position.
“We’re here because I wanted to show you my world. I’ve seen so much of yours in Sutten, I just wanted to have you here and show you off to everyone. But we can go back home if you want. I’ll just—”
Pippa places a hand to my chest. “No, not here physically. But here in general.” Her eyes look to the building next to us. “I wanted to love this part of your life, Camden. I really did. But this isn’t me. I don’t want this, and I’ll never fit into this life.”
My heart hammers inside my chest from the panic of losing her. “Until Jason, I thought you were having fun.”
She lets out a sad laugh. “Did you know when I was looking for you, I overheard these women talking about you? I think one of them was someone you used to see. They were also talking about me. About how I don’t belong. About how we don’t belong together and that there’s no reason you’d bring me here unless you were using me.”
My pulse hammers through my ears with rage. I tighten my jaw, trying to fight the anger coursing through my veins. “You don’t think I’m using you, do you?”
She shakes her head. “No. I don’t think you’re using me.” I feel the smallest moment of relief until she keeps talking. “But it made me think they might have a point. We don’t work, Camden. Our lives are different. Too different. No part of me wants to fit in here. Not when women talk nasty about each other behind their backs and men with money purchase businesses with the intent to drive out the good people who have worked their asses off to be there. I don’t want to fit in here, and you don’t want to fit in in Sutten.” She takes another breath. “So what are we doing here?”
I stare at her as it feels like my world is crashing all around me at once. I had no idea she’d felt this way. I truly thought before Jason ruined the night that she was enjoying herself. Was it all pretend? Or was I just too blind to see that she wasn’t comfortable?
“What are you saying?” The feeling in my chest is the reason people never fall in love. It’s the reason I’ve never allowed myself to care about another human this way because it hurts too fucking much to put your heart in someone else’s hands and have them hand it back to you.
“I think reality finally caught up to us. Our lives are too different to make this work.”
My jaw clenches as I try to think about what to say to her. I’m angry. Angry at Jason. Angry at our circumstances. And angry at her for wanting to give up so easily.
“I love you.” My voice trembles, doing nothing to hide the vulnerability in it.
She sobs, streaks of black running down her face with tears. She’s silent. I’m used to her speaking her mind. Her silence is unnerving. Or maybe it’s the defeated look on her face. I’ve never told a woman I was in love with them. I’ve never been in love, but I didn’t imagine saying the words and having the woman who owns my heart look at me like she wished I’d never said them at all.
I take a deep breath, collecting my thoughts before speaking up. “I didn’t know love until I knew you. And I’m trying to figure it out because I want to do better—be better—for you. But I can’t do that if you won’t let me. There’s nothing I can say if you want to give up the second things get hard. But I do love you. I love you in a way that consumes me. You’re my every thought, every dream, my entire being. I love you so much that it fucking hurts you think I wouldn’t do anything, give up anything, to make us work.”
Her bottom lip trembles. I hate seeing it. I hate all of this. I want to go back to this morning when we woke up and were happy. When things didn’t feel like they were falling apart.
“I love you.” Her three words do something to calm my racing heart. I can figure anything out from here as long as I know she loves me. “And I’m scared.”
I nod, pulling her body into mine. She melts against me, her body molding to mine. I take in a deep breath, clutching the back of her head to my chest. I hold on to her for dear life, fearing if I let go for even a second, she’ll leave. “I’m fucking terrified,” I croak. “I’ve never felt like this. But please let me figure things out. Let us figure this out. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make you happy. To keep you. Jason won’t get Wake and Bake. I promise.”
She nods against my chest, her shoulders shaking as she weeps into my dress shirt. I hold her as she cries, her cheek pressed against my racing heart. People walk by us, probably finding us quite the show. I don’t pay any of them attention; all I do is clutch her to me, only letting go long enough to lead her into the back of the limo and take her home.
She doesn’t talk to me the entire ride home. After ten minutes of silence, no matter the questions I ask her, I resort to calling whoever I can. It doesn’t feel like we both confessed our love. Nothing feels happy, and I know the sinking feeling in my stomach was warranted when I wake up early in the morning and find her side of the bed empty. The only thing left in her place is a neatly folded note.
Camden,
I couldn’t sleep. Even after you stopped tossing and turning, I lay awake staring at the ceiling, a pit deep in my stomach as I thought about everything that is in jeopardy in Sutten.
As I felt hopeless about what to do, my mind went to you. To thoughts of you. To thoughts of us and what a life could look like between the two of us. I tried picturing myself here, in this world that you love, and I couldn’t do it. I’d never fit in here. And I don’t want to make you choose between this life and me. I know you don’t picture yourself in Sutten. If I’ve learned anything about you, it’s that Sutten will never have your heart like it has mine.
I want us to work. I stayed awake for hours trying to come up with a solution that doesn’t end up with both our hearts broken, and I came up with nothing.
I won’t allow you to choose me because to choose me would be to choose Sutten, and I know that isn’t a choice you can make. The people in your world are the very reason I might lose what’s most important to me in mine. I can’t ask for you to go against them and jeopardize everything you’ve worked hard for.
I’m sorry for leaving. But I’m weak and knew if I looked you in the eye, there’s no way I’d ever leave.
Please know this has nothing to do with you. You were the easiest person to fall in love with. You’re deserving of a beautiful love story, Camden Hunter. I want it to be me and you, but I can’t completely give my heart to you until I know I haven’t lost the one last piece I have of my mom.
I have to go back to Sutten. I have to find a way to keep Wake and Bake. Please forgive me for leaving. I have to fix this, and I can’t ask you to put everything on the line for me.
I love you. Don’t ever forget that. I’ll cherish your love forever. It was fun tempting fate with you, even if our fate isn’t what we’d hoped for.
If you love me, give me time to fix this.
Yours,
Pippa
I read it so many times that it becomes permanently etched into my mind, and once I’ve angrily committed it to memory, I toss it to the side.
For once in my life, I’m going to put someone else before myself. I’m going to prove to Pippa there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep her in my life forever.
