“Why didn’t you let him pick you up?” Dahlia asks as we walk into her boyfriend’s house an hour later than planned. She’s a saint for waiting for me through a dozen dress changes, countless pairs of shoes, and several mini panic attacks.
“Besides the fact I wasn’t ready?” I run a hand through my hair and then smooth the straight strands back into place.
“Yeah.” She laughs softly. “Besides that.”
“I didn’t want it to be like my big brother was taking me to a party to keep an eye on me. Even if that’s the basic setup here.”
“He’s not your big brother,” she says, her blue eyes boring into me and then dipping lower to my outfit. “No way he’s going to see you in that dress and have any brotherly feelings at all. Trust me.”
“I know he likes me, or is at least attracted to me, but he won’t cross the line unless I push him over it.”
She laughs louder but it’s partially drowned out by the music coming from the backyard. “Oh, Jane, what are you planning?”
I take in the living room and kitchen of the football house. A few people are hanging out inside playing video games and a group of guys is playing cards at the dining room table, but otherwise everyone seems to be outside.
I turn back to Dahlia. “Nothing. I’m not going to do anything. No matter how much I want to. I respect his decision to keep things between us purely professional.”
“Wow, you almost sounded like you meant that.”
“I do.” I shove at her shoulder lightly.
“So, all this is just for you then?” She waves a hand in front of me. Did I put a little (a lot) of extra effort into getting ready? Absolutely, I did.
“Oh, hell no, I want him to die a little inside when he sees me in this dress.”
She keeps on laughing at me as she grabs two cups from the kitchen counter, then starts to fill them with Sprite and vodka.
“But as much as I am dying to kiss him again, I don’t want to mess things up. I have no idea what I’d do without him. He makes me feel safe.”
“I’m glad.” She hands me my drink and then loops her arm through mine. “I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough semester.”
“Me too, but I don’t want to think about any of that tonight. I want to drink and dance and have fun with my girls.” Even as I say the words so confidently, my insides are a mess of emotion. Hendrick is worried about the threats escalating. I have so much faith in him, I really do, but his worry has added to mine. I want to enjoy tonight, but to completely let go and believe that he can handle anything that might happen—that’s a lot to ask of him and a lot to trust.
“Me too. Come on, let’s go find Daisy and Violet.”
Our friends aren’t difficult to spot. Neither is Hendrick. They’re all standing together in a big group. The backyard is filled with people and the music is loud.
My stomach is filled with butterflies as Dahlia and I walk toward them. Hendrick spots me first, which is really not surprising. I’d swear the man has a tracker on me with the way he always knows where I am.
His hazel eyes lock on me as he steps away from the group and toward me.
“I think he definitely died a little inside,” Dahlia whispers before letting go of my arm and stepping away.
“Hey,” Hendrick says, his stare drops to take in the black dress and strappy high heels. “Nice dress.”
“Thanks.” I do my own slow, appreciative scan of his outfit. He looks nice, as he always does, but tonight he’s casual, looking like half the other guys at this party in jeans and a plain gray T-shirt. He’s pulling it off better than any of them, though. So, so much better. “Borrow Archer’s clothes again?”
“Nope.” He grins proudly. “These are all mine.”
“Sorry I’m late.”
“Daisy warned me you don’t leave the house without trying on at least half the dresses in your closet.”
I finally look past him to my friends. The three of them are all watching us. “What else did she say?”
“Not much, don’t worry. All your secrets are still safe.”
“If I had any, I’m pretty sure you would have already figured them out.”
“True.” He opens his stance and in a high-pitched voice asks, “Ready to get crazy?”
“Was that supposed to be me? I don’t sound like that.” Okay, I probably do.
He tips his head toward my friends. “Have fun, but don’t take drinks from strangers.”
“Duh.” I stay glued to the spot. It’s safe here and I want to soak up the feeling.
His fingers find mine at my side and he brushes his thumb over them lightly. “I’ll be right here all night. As close or as far away as you want.”
I nod my head, or I think I do, as I let out a breath. I lace my fingers through his. “Close. I want you close.”
It takes a little while, and a couple drinks, before I start to relax. Hendrick doesn’t leave my side, and it isn’t weird having him hang out in our little group. He’s been talking with Jordan, Gavin, and Felix about various sports topics for the last thirty minutes. If I didn’t know him better, I’d think he’s completely unaware of me, but any time I move an inch, he tracks the movement. His attention is addictive and has my body buzzing as much from that as the alcohol.
Daisy, Vi, Dahlia, and I are sitting in a circle of chairs playing Fuck the Dealer. They seemed to sense that I needed them tonight and haven’t left my side either.
I love them for that, and I also hate it. A few months ago, I would have been in the center of the dance floor without a care in the world.
“Another game?” Daisy asks as she shuffles the cards.
“Sure,” Vi says, sounding only half-interested. Dahlia nods.
If I don’t do something, we’re going to be wallflowers all night long. We could have done that at home. “I’m bored of cards, and I know you guys are too. Let’s dance or play flip cup or something.”
They all look at me with surprise and hesitation in their expressions.
“Are you sure?” The fact that Vi even has to ask is just further proof of how much I’ve hidden away lately.
“I am positive.”
“O-kay.” Daisy stands with a huge smile on her face, and Dahlia and Vi do the same. It takes me a second more to push away the last of my nerves.
When I stand, Hendrick glances my way.
“Dance?” I mouth.
He says something to the guys and then they’re all coming our way. He doesn’t say a word when I glue myself to his side and walk through the party to the edge of the dance floor. The football house doesn’t have a huge backyard so there isn’t that big of a dance area, but we form our own little group and my friends start to dance around me.
My heart is hammering in my chest. Music has always been a lifeline. Acting was a means to an end, but it didn’t consume me in the same way. So, I take a second to breathe it in and I let the music slowly ease my anxiety.
Dahlia raises her voice as she asks Felix, “Can we get a song change?”
“Of course, Hot Stuff. What’d you have in mind?”
She flashes a wicked grin my way and then stands on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear.
He nods and hurries to the guy playing the music from his laptop at a little table with giant speakers on either side.
Not long after, my favorite Taylor Swift song starts. My chest fills with happiness and my eyes get a little misty as all three of my friends stand in front of me and belt out the first verse of Blank Space.
I don’t know why I love this song so much. Actually, that’s a lie. I love it because it’s so much fun to sing. I do not have a long list of ex-lovers, but T. Swift makes me feel like I can be anyone I want to be for a few minutes.
I join in, finally leaving Hendrick and making a little circle with the girls. I sing like I haven’t in weeks, maybe months. I close my eyes and tilt my head back. I know my friends are screaming the lyrics right back at me, but I can’t hear anything above the happy thump of my heart.
When I open my eyes and look around, I can’t see anything except the guys crowded around us, watching with smiles. I can’t see Hendrick, but I feel him behind me. He’s not quite touching me but hovering so close I can feel the heat radiating off him. I lean back so my back hits his chest and turn my head to meet his gaze.
Something dangerous swirls in those hazel eyes, but I’m not scared.
“Thank you,” I say, breathless from singing and from him.
He leans closer so I can hear him. His lips ghost across my cheek. “You’re welcome.”
It takes a lot of willpower to pull away from him, but Daisy takes my hand and pulls me back into a tight circle with just us girls.
For several songs, we’re in a world all our own as we sing and dance our hearts out. My face is hot, and my throat is scratchy when Daisy and Vi say they need a break to get something to drink.
Hendrick is hanging back with Felix. Dahlia grins at me. “I think my boyfriend has a dude crush on Hendrick.”
“Who could blame him?”
She snorts a laugh. Felix drapes an arm around her shoulders when she takes her place next to him. She fans her face. “I’m dying. I need a drink.”
“The fridge in my room is stocked with black cherry hard seltzers.”
Her favorite kind. It’s sweet, but I didn’t miss the way he conveniently put those in his room.
“Don’t steal her away all night, Walters.” I wag a finger at him, and he tries to hide a mischievous smile.
“We’ll be right back,” Dahlia says as they start to walk off. “Ten minutes tops.”
“Make that fifteen,” Felix calls over his shoulder.
I turn to Hendrick when they’re gone.
“How are you doing?” he asks.
“Good. Better. Thank you for tonight. For everything.”
His lips part with a smile. “You’re welcome. Need another drink?”
“Yeah. I think I sweat out the last two.”
As I turn to walk back into the house, Mackenzie appears in front of me.
“Hey.” There’s an awkward beat where we stand there staring at each other. I’m surprised to see her. She and Ted rarely come to the jock parties. Finally, I snap out of it and lean forward to hug her. “Did you just get here?”
“Just leaving actually,” she says and looks from me to Hendrick and then back at me again. “Ted has a class with a couple of the football guys, so we stopped by, but it’s not really our scene so we’re gonna head out.”
“I’m glad I ran into you,” I tell her honestly.
“Me too. I wanted to thank you for whatever you said or did to get Paris to let us perform at the Spring Fling.”
“I didn’t do anything. She was raving about how good you were. You are going to kill it.”
“I hope so. I know everyone wishes it was you singing instead.”
I hate that she feels that way. “Your voice is incredible. I’m not just saying that.”
“Thanks. Ted keeps telling me that too, but I’m nervous. We have four new songs, but they’re all still a little rough. Maybe you can stop by sometime and listen? Eric listens to you better than anyone else.”
“Definitely. I’d love to hear the new stuff and help any way I can.”
“Really?” She smiles with such relief it makes me feel like a jerk for not doing it sooner. “I would love that.”
“Absolutely. I’ll be there,” I assure her.
“Thanks, Jane.” She motions with her head toward the door. “I better go. Ted’s out front grabbing a sober ride.”
“Bye.” I wave as she heads inside.
Hendrick waits until she’s completely gone from view before he speaks. “How come you don’t want to sing at Spring Fling?”
“It’s complicated,” I say, then realize that’s total bullshit. “I’m nervous about singing in front of a big crowd now that everyone knows who I am. What if I get up there and freeze or mess up the lyrics? It’ll be shared a million times before I step offstage.”
“Oh, I see, we’re playing the worst-case scenario game,” he says seriously, nodding and shooting me a sly smile. “You could also get struck by lightning while up there or a bear could rip through the crowd and attack. All equally likely.”
I roll my eyes at him. “Those are not equally likely.”
“You won’t freeze. You light up when you sing. Even tonight, singing with your friends, I can tell how much you love it.”
“Yeah, well, I’d like to continue to love it. With everything going on I don’t know if I could give it the focus I’d need to learn and perform a show. Plus, Mackenzie is going to be amazing. It’s a great opportunity for her and the rest of the band.”
He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to. I know the thing I’m not saying is that it could also be a great opportunity for me. I have the world’s attention right now, but maybe not forever.
“Someday,” I say and promise myself that it’s true. “When the time is right.”
