Saturday afternoon, Knox and I start working on the loft. The basic structure is still good, but it needs a banister and new stairs at minimum. It’s a large enough space that if we put the bed on the far wall, Brogan will still have some privacy.
When I told everyone my plan for staying and that I was going to fix up the loft to give us more space, Brogan wouldn’t have it. He played it off like he actually wanted the loft, but I think part of him still feels like he doesn’t deserve to live here as much as the rest of us. It’s bullshit, but I’m not mad about still having a room with a door.
The TV is on some motorcycle race, but they’re still doing qualifiers so it’s not that exciting—at least to me. The stairs are done. We’ll need to sand and paint them, but we’ll get to that another day. Knox has abandoned work and is sitting on the bottom step watching TV. I grab a beer from the fridge and hand it to him. We haven’t talked much one-on-one since I told him I was staying, but I can tell he’s still not on board.
I watch with him until it goes to a break. He looks up at me like he didn’t even realize I was here.
“Ready to work on the banister?” I ask.
He nods, takes another long gulp of his beer, and then sets it down on the floor before heading up the new stairs of the loft.
We work in silence for another thirty minutes or so until I can’t take it.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” He narrows his gaze at me. “What for?”
“For leaving and then not coming back when I knew you needed me to. You shouldn’t have been the one to drop out of school and take care of everyone.”
“We both did our part,” he says simply and dismisses me by picking up the next board.
“Can we just have this conversation once and for all instead of dancing around it?”
He drops the board slowly and faces me, an expression I can’t quite read on his face. “We don’t need to have this conversation.”
“I think we do.”
“You think I’m mad that you left, and you didn’t come back, but you’re wrong. Or, fuck, maybe I was, but I’m mostly pissed that you don’t realize how fucking lucky you are. You were Hendrick Holland, pro football player for the Rams.” He raises both arms in the air.
Technically true, but it isn’t like that. “I haven’t played in years and when I did, I wasn’t even that good.” I had promise, but I was still finding my footing when I got injured.
“But this season could be different. And even if it’s not, you left and you made something of yourself. You think I wanted you to give that up?” He shakes his head. “I knew it had to be me and I don’t resent you for that. I resent that you’re not fighting like hell to stay gone. There’s nothing for you here and you know it.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is. All you used to talk about was leaving. Now here you are. That’s not what I wanted, I promise you.” His shoulders relax. “I’m so fucking envious of the opportunities you’ve had, but proud as hell too. So don’t stay because you think it’s the right thing to do. One of us should get a chance to chase crazy dreams. If not, then what the hell was it all for?”
He gets back to work without another word, but his silence feels more comfortable after hearing him speak his piece.
“You’re wrong. So was I. I thought I needed to leave to be the person I wanted to be, but that was bullshit. I was running away, hoping that I could forget about Mom dying and Dad abandoning us. Guess what? It doesn’t work that way. This is my home. You, Arch, Brogan, Flynn . . . you’re my family. I want to be here,” I say as I fall in beside him. “And it’s not too late for you. If there are things you still want, you should do them.”
He’s quiet a beat before shaking his head. “Nah. Nah. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.”
Later that night, Jane comes over. She’s straddling me naked with a beautiful post-orgasm glow.
She runs her fingers along my stomach and chest. “What do you want to do tonight?”
“I’m doing it right now.” I grip either side of her hips and let my hands glide up her smooth skin to the curve of her waist.
“So, your plan for all of tonight is sex? It’s barely six o’clock.” Her sweet laughter fills the room.
Seems like a hell of a good plan to me.
“What do you want to do?” I ask her.
“Well, your plan does sound fun, but first can I take you somewhere? I have a little surprise.”
“Might be hard to top your last surprise.” Watching Jane up there on stage singing my mom’s favorite song is a memory I won’t soon forget.
“I accept that challenge.”
We get dressed and into my truck.
I start the engine and then realize I have no clue where we’re going. “Where to?”
“Let’s go to The Hideout.”
That wasn’t in my top five favorite ideas for the night, but as long as she’s coming home with me later, we can chill wherever she wants.
When we get close, I slow down to turn. Jane sits forward in the passenger seat. “Keep going.”
“I thought—” I start as I roll past the entrance to the popular restaurant.
“Turn here.” She points to the familiar gravel road that leads to my mom’s old bar.
I do as she says, confused but intrigued. It’s as dark and abandoned as the last time we were here. Jane gets out without waiting for me.
I take my time. Coming here always hits me with a nostalgic feeling that has to be acknowledged with a moment of reflection. Someday another business will take over the building, or maybe they’ll bulldoze it completely. I hope not. There’s no place where I feel closer to my mom than standing in this lot.
Jane walks all the way to the boarded-up front door and then turns to face me.
“What are you up to, sweetheart?” I ask as I catch up to her.
“Okay, so you know how you were a big shot football player and then decided to stay here but you haven’t found a job yet?”
I chuckle. “I guess that does pretty much sum up the current state of my life. Thanks for the reminder I’m a bum.”
“You’d be a very sexy bum,” she says with sass. “But you’re not a bum. You’re amazing. Staying here to be a part of your brothers’ lives is the most incredible thing. I’m so proud of you.”
Her words are like a balm to a wound I’m not sure will ever completely heal. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She tips her head up to kiss me quickly. “Well, keeping all that in mind, I wanted to do something to show you just how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” Her hand flies up in front of my face as my lips part to speak. “And before you say it was your job, let’s just both acknowledge that you went way, way above and beyond.”
I keep my mouth shut. I don’t know if it’s an argument I’ll ever win. Was it different because of my feelings for her? Of course. But the bottom line is I was exactly where I wanted to be, doing exactly what I wanted. I don’t regret any of it.
She takes my hand and slips something cold and metal in it. I stare down at a silver key. “What’s this?”
“The key to this place. I’m returning it to your family.”
