Phillip is lying across the couch, watching a college basketball game.
I stand directly in front of the TV, arms crossed and foot tapping in irritation.
“What?” he asks, trying to look around me.
“Don’t what me,” I say. “It’s not funny.”
“What’s not funny?”
Phillip looks confused. I really thought he’d smile.
“You moved the gnome to freak me out.”
“The gnome? No, I didn’t.”
“Phillip, do you promise—swear—you didn’t move it?”
“I swear. What is your obsession with this gnome?”
“He’s moving of his own accord, Phillip. You’re the man of this house. Doesn’t that concern you?”
“Can you move over just a little?” Phillip asks, still trying to see the game.
I grab the remote and threaten to turn it off.
Phillip leaps off the couch and then pins me to the chaise. “You’re being a bad girl.”
“Phillip! Stop thinking about sex. I mean, don’t stop thinking about sex, just don’t think about it right this second. I need you to come upstairs and deal with this.”
He laughs. “Deal with the gnome? What do you want me to do with it? Shall I bring in a gnome from a rival school? Take out a hit on it?”
“You’re not taking this seriously.” I pout.
He gets off me and pulls me up. “Fine. Show me the gnome.”
I tiptoe upstairs and point toward the living room where the gnome has now taken up residence on the back of the sofa table.
“How did he get there?”
“I have no idea.”
“This is silly.”
“I know!”
“Let’s wrap him up tight and put him back in the hutch,” Phillip says, going out to the garage. He gets a ball of twine and wraps the gnome’s legs with it. “There, he won’t be able to walk now.”
“You think he’s walking?”
He rolls his eyes at me. “You think he’s walking; that’s all that matters.”
“But he has a mono leg. I think he hops, so I don’t think the string will stop him, Phillip.”
“Fine,” he says, anxious to get back to the game. “I’ll tie him into the hutch.”
He opens the top drawer and ties string around my heavy cutlery tray. Then, he lays the gnome down faceup and ties those strings around his legs.
“He’s not going anywhere now,” Phillip says, shutting the drawer and heading back downstairs.
