My eyes are shut, and I’m half-asleep as I rub the back of my hand across my nose. Something keeps itching it.
I squint my eyes open.
“Ahhh!” I scream. “What the fu—” I jump off the bed when I realize the thing touching my nose is the gnome.
I find Phillip lying on the floor next to the bed, laughing.
“What the hell are you doing?”
He gives me a devious grin. “Danny’s workout room is done, so I’m meeting him over there this morning. Thought I’d take our little friend. I wanted to give you the chance to say good-bye.”
“Hopefully, good riddance. What the heck did you do to him?”
Phillip holds the gnome up even with my face. He’s drilled a little hole through the gnome’s fist, stuck one of my new cocktail forks through it, and wrapped a red ribbon around his eyes.
“I gave him a pitchfork. Like the devil.”
“You’re crazy. Are you going to put him in the sauna?” I ask as I hop back into bed.
“Yep.” He leans down and gives me a kiss. “Wish us luck.”
“What’s with the Fifty Shades gnome?” Danny says when I answer my ringing phone.
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t play coy. I know you hid it in my sauna.”
“You just woke me up, Danny.”
“Scared the shit out of me, honestly. Cheeky little bastard. Get dressed. I’m on my way over.”
I get up quickly—shocked to see it’s almost ten—brush my teeth and hair, and throw on some clothes. I planned to work from home this morning, not sleep in late.
As I’m heading to the kitchen, Danny comes through the front door with the gnome.
“So, did you know we watched that movie, and she bought that stuff?”
“Danny, you woke me up during the middle of a very involved dream. I have no idea what the heck you’re talking about.”
“Lori and I watched that Fifty Shades of Grey movie. She bought some sexual aids similar to those used in the story to spice up things in the bedroom.”
“Do things need spicing up?”
He lets out a big sigh. “Since she’s been pregnant, our sex life has definitely taken a hit.”
“How so? Not that long ago, you were talking about how horny pregnant women are.”
“That was a long time ago. And you know how Lori’s been. Sick, crabby, moody. You’re pregnant and tired. Has your sex life taken a hit?”
“Uh, no. Although having Phillip’s parents here has contained it to the bedroom.”
“How often do you do it?”
“Every day usually. Sometimes, every other day.”
“It’s been two weeks. I’m horny. I don’t need a freaking red room. I just need for her to be in the mood.”
“Sounds like she’s trying if she bought stuff.”
“Yes, and that was a flipping disaster. Last night … no, I can’t even say it.”
“She wanted to, and you didn’t?”
“Couldn’t.”
“Couldn’t? Why not?”
“Because she’s gone all however many shades on me. I’m sorry, but have you seen her? Her stomach is huge. I can’t do that to her now. Not with my child inside her. It just feels wrong.”
“Are you not attracted to her because her stomach is huge?”
“That’s not it at all. I very much want to have sex with her. I just can’t do the kinky stuff.”
“Maybe you can save it all for after the baby is born and just go for the romance angle.”
“I don’t know about romance, but angle is the right word. It’s like freaking geometry class, just trying to get close to her.”
“She only has a few weeks left.”
“Did you know that you’re not supposed to have sex for six weeks after the baby is born?”
“Uh, no. That seems like a really long time. Why is that? Does it hurt?”
“At first, probably. But it’s got something to do with infection.” He points to the gnome. “When I saw the gnome with the fork and the red blindfold, I thought, somehow, you knew.”
I laugh. “This looks like a devil gnome to me, not a XXX gnome.”
“I guess I’m just sensitive. So, who did it—you or Phillip?”
“Neither of us. The gnome keeps moving on its own,” I lie, hoping he’ll fess up. “The other morning, it scared the crap out of me. I found it in the pantry, holding a noose. I’ve been locking the bedroom door, just in case.”
“Did you hear Chelsea and Joey set a date?”
“I did. Will you be able to go?”
“He asked me to stand up with him. Of course I am.”
“But the baby will be just a few weeks old.”
“Perfect time to take the little monkey with us, right? It will sleep the whole time.”
“Uh, yeah. That’s true,” I say, but I babysat an infant one summer and know it’s a little more complicated than that.
