Danny comes over after he and Lori get home from their birthing class.
It’s been four days since the shower, and I haven’t heard a word from Lori.
And I’ll be damned if I’m calling her.
“Learn anything new?” Phillip asks Danny as they sit on the couch with their beers.
Angel immediately jumps on Danny’s lap and chews on his hand.
“Not really. We discussed birthing plans. Apparently, you’re supposed to decide how you want the birthing process to go before you go into labor. Lori was premed, so she thinks she knows it all.”
“She didn’t know how to breathe through her contractions when she had the preterm labor,” I mention.
“Maybe that’s why her birthing plan is so detailed. She has a list of stuff to pack for the hospital. She’s bringing in soothing music. I’m supposed to give her back massages. She wants to do it all natural—ouch! This little puppy has sharp teeth!”
“Oh, here.” I hand him a chew toy. “She likes this.”
“Anyway, she read her plan—and I totally just condensed it for you guys—to the class. Afterward, this guy takes me aside. He said they are on their second baby and that, although I’m called the coach, the second the doctor comes in, I’ll become a nobody. He told me women worship their OB/GYN. He said that I should remember three things: don’t look below her elbow, don’t faint, and to keep a couple hundred-dollar bills on me at all times. He said Lori’s birth plan reminded him of his wife’s first one. Apparently, she wanted a natural childbirth and waited too long to get an epidural. By the time she decided she wanted one, it was too late, and she had to deliver naturally. He is convinced that, if he could’ve slipped the anesthesiologist a couple hundred bucks, he would have gotten it done—shit, Angel.” He quickly pulls his hand back. “She keeps biting on both my hand and the toy. I think she likes my hand better.”
“Come here, Angel,” Phillip says. “Let’s go outside.”
He takes the dog out, and just as they’re coming back in, Lori comes stomping down the stairs.
“Hey,” Danny says to her. “I was just telling them about—”
Lori’s face is red with anger as she thrusts a piece of black fabric at Danny. “What is this?” she yells.
“I don’t know. Stop waving it around, so I can see it.”
“It’s a freaking thong, Danny!”
“Uh, okay.”
“It was in your jacket pocket. Did you really cheat on me when I’m just a week away from having your baby?” She’s hysterical. Crying. Screaming. “I can’t believe you slept with a stripper! I knew this would happen!”
“I didn’t cheat on you!” Danny says, defending himself. “Seriously, Lori, you need to calm down.”
“Don’t you dare tell me to calm down! I knew you were acting weird!” She throws the fabric at his head.
Angel leaps up, snatches the thong out of the air, and takes off running.
“Ohmigawd!” I yell. “Don’t let her chew on that! Phillip! Get her!”
While Phillip and I are chasing Angel, Danny yells at Lori, “You need to calm down.”
Angel is fast. Just when I think I have her cornered behind the bar, she darts through my hands.
“Phillip! Get her, please. That’s so nasty. I don’t want that in her mouth!”
Phillip dives across the floor and misses her.
Lori screeches, “I want a divorce! I’ll raise this baby on my own, and you will never get to see it. Do you hear me? Never. Ever. You’re not fit to be a husband or a father!”
“Got her,” Phillip yells, cornering Angel by the television.
He grabs the dog and then attempts to get her to give up the thong. But Angel isn’t having it. She’s got her jaw clenched, and she is playing tug-of-war with him.
“Angel. Give!” he says in a deep, stern voice.
The puppy looks up at him, spits the thong onto the floor, and starts doing victory laps around the couch.
“I didn’t do anything! Some chick at the club put them in my pocket. I was drunk and forgot to take them out. Phillip, you remember that chick with the red hair and the silver glitter stars over her boobs?”
“Uh, I think so,” Phillip says.
Lori waves her finger at Phillip. “I don’t believe anything you say. Of course you’re going to lie for him.”
“I wouldn’t lie about something like that, Lori,” Phillip says. “The girl was suggestive, but nothing happened. We were sitting next to each other all night. All night.”
“Maybe you cheated, too,” she accuses. “And you’re both covering for each other. Really, I don’t care anymore. Don’t come home, Danny.”
“I’ll come home if I want to. Lucky for you, I don’t want to. You’re being ridiculous. I’d never cheat on you.”
I pick Angel up and hug her. “Lori, you need to calm down.”
“Shut up, Jadyn. Just shut up!”
Angel starts barking at Lori. I don’t blame her. I want to bare my teeth and growl, too.
But I don’t get the chance.
She lumbers up the stairs and slams the door on her way out.
Danny plops his head back on the couch. “Fuck. Do you really think she’d take my child from me?”
Phillip sits down next to him. “You have rights if it comes to that. Hopefully, she will calm down, and you can apologize.”
Angel jumps out of my arms, flies up onto the couch, and covers Danny’s face with kisses, somehow knowing he needs them.
Danny grins and halfheartedly attempts to stop her. “I can’t believe you grabbed the underwear,” he says to her and then starts laughing. “You should have seen the look on your face, Jay.”
“I was horrified! I can see why Lori freaked out, Danny. You need to go apologize.”
He rubs his face. “Yeah, you’re right. Shit. I would have been pissed, too.” He pats Angel on the head and says to us, “I’ll see you later.”
