I hear Phillip’s voice. My eyelids are heavy, but I push them open, squinting against the light.
“Phillip?” I mutter, my throat feeling as raw as it sounds.
“Princess, you’re awake,” he says, his voice like music to my ears. He has tears in his eyes but a smile on his face.
I raise my hand and see the IV in it, and then I see a room filled with flowers. “I’m in the hospital?”
“You got in a car accident.”
It all flashes back. The car running a red light, coming toward me. The impact.
“You scared me—no, you devastated me when I thought you had …”
I don’t let him finish. I start crying, knowing how badly I’ve let him down. How I’ll never forgive myself for losing our baby. He might have me, but what did I do to our life? There were no pictures of the two of us with a bunch of kids on heaven TV.
While I’m so happy to see Phillip, I know I’m not supposed to be here. I know that I messed up both our lives when I left our house. It’s funny; had I run the light, I would be home now—still pregnant and feeling Baby Mac kicking me.
Instead, I feel an emptiness I can’t contain, like I’m a shell of what I once was.
Emotionless.
Unfeeling.
Empty.
What kind of wife could I be to Phillip after this?
And, now, I know why they showed me that scene of Phillip in the backyard with his dark-haired children. So, I’d know I have to let the picture play out.
And, as much as it’s going to hurt, I know I have to let him go. Let him find the happiness he deserves. The happiness he doesn’t know he’s fated to have without me.
“Do you remember the accident?” he asks gently.
“Yes. I turned on the arrow. A car ran the light. I saw it coming toward me and tried to speed up.”
“And am I ever lucky I bought you the new Mercedes. The driver who hit you died at the scene.”
Visions flash through my mind as Phillip speaks.
Watching them take the baby from my stomach. The baby not making a sound.
I touch my stomach and cry hysterically. “I’m so sorry, Phillip. I don’t know why I’m here. It’s all my fault; that’s why, isn’t it? I’m being punished for being mean to your mom. I wasn’t really mad at her; I was upset with Lori. I shouldn’t have been at that intersection. I should’ve never left the house. And my dad—”
“Your dad?”
I nod, but I’m still hysterical.
I need to get out of here.
Right now.
I grab my IV, ready to pull it out so that I can bolt from this bed.
This place.
The walls of the hospital are quickly closing in around me.
“Jadyn,” Phillip says sternly, “calm down. If you don’t calm down, they’ll sedate you.”
“How am I supposed to calm down, Phillip? I killed our baby! I wish I were dead, too!”
Phillip’s eyes widen in shock. “Princess, I sat by your side and told you over and over that the baby was okay. That we needed you to get better. They said you’d hear me.”
I freeze. Stop crying. Shake my head.
Try to find my voice.
“What? No! The baby is okay? Really? It’s not dead?”
“No, he isn’t,” Phillip says, running his hand across my face. “He had a low Apgar score at first, but he’s fine now. Do you wanna meet him?”
I put my hand over my mouth, my whole body shaking, unable to control the emotions flooding me.
I can’t get the words out. “Him? It’s … a … boy?”
“Yes. Him.”
“Phillip, is he okay? Normal? Healthy? He was blue. He didn’t cry.”
“He looked blue to me, too. Really blue. I thought he was dead. They took him away so fast, and I just assumed … then everything happened with you.” He squeezes my hand and gives me a reassuring smile. “They said, as soon as he took his first breath, he turned the normal pink color. He’s perfect. I promise.”
“Where is he?”
“In the nursery.”
“You’re supposed to lay the baby on the mother’s chest right away. What if he doesn’t recognize me? What if we don’t bond? How long have I been out?”
“You were in the ICU for thirty-six hours. It’s Sunday morning. I couldn’t bring the baby into the ICU, but he and I have been talking about you the whole time.”
“Talking about me?”
“Yes, I explained that giving birth was difficult for you, and you needed a little time to get better but that you couldn’t wait to meet him. He understands.” Phillip looks so tired but so incredibly sweet. “I’ve been reading him stories, too. The ones you bought.”
“Barnyard Dance?”
“That’s his absolute favorite,” Phillip says. “He coos when I read it to him. I’ll have Danny come sit with you while I go get him.”
“Danny’s here?”
“Danny hasn’t left your side. I don’t think I would’ve gotten through this without him. It was a relief to have him stay with you when I needed to be with our baby.”
Our baby.
He rushes to the door but stops and comes back.
He kisses my hand. Kisses my forehead. Kisses my dry lips.
“I love you, Princess.”
“I love you, too, Phillip.”
I watch the man of my dreams, my heaven on Earth, walk out of the room.
Part of me wonders if I’m dreaming.
Or if I’m finally in the real heaven.
But then Danny wanders into the room, looking lost. It’s obvious he hasn’t slept much. The dark circles under his eyes have always shown a lack of sleep on his light skin.
“You look like crap,” I say and smile, realizing this is real. That I’m alive.
He shakes his head at me and runs his hand through his hair. “I should look like crap. Do you know how badly you scared us? You died, Jay.”
“Phillip said you’ve been here the whole time.”
He sits next to me and grabs my hand, his eyes filling with tears. “I wasn’t there for you when your parents died. No way was I going to leave when Phillip needed me.”
I laugh. “Oh, so it was just for his sake, huh?”
“That, and I love you. You look like you’ve been crying.”
“I love you, too. I thought the baby had died, Danny. It sounds weird—don’t tell anyone—but I saw my dad, and he and I watched them take the baby out of me. There was blood everywhere. The baby didn’t cry. I thought we were waiting for the baby to come to heaven with us.”
“Then, what happened?”
“I heard Phillip yell, ‘Princess, don’t you dare leave me.’”
“But you did.”
“I saw kids playing on a swing set Phillip built. You and Lori were there, but he was with someone else. It broke my heart.”
“He’d never get over losing you. You know that. Neither would I.” He hands me a water bottle and says, “Drink this. Your voice sounds hoarse.”
I sip from a straw, savoring the coolness on my throat.
“Speaking of losing, Phillip said it’s Sunday morning. Aren’t you supposed to be playing football today?”
“Hey,” he says. “I’m not a loser, and that’s not a very nice thing to say to someone who has been worried about you.”
“How am I supposed to watch you play if you’re here?”
He smacks my hand. “What part of you were dead don’t you understand?”
“Was I really dead?”
“Phillip was with you in surgery when your heart stopped. They rushed him out of the room. Called code red or blue or whatever they do. When I got here, Phillip told me you were gone. But I guess they worked on you. Zapped you or whatever they do to make your heart start beating again. They didn’t tell us they’d revived you for almost an hour. It was the longest hour of my life. Phillip was inconsolable. And, even once they told us they had revived you, they couldn’t assure us you’d be fine, and we didn’t know what to expect when you woke up.”
“You always said my mom must have dropped me on my head when I was a kid.” I laugh.
He rolls his eyes at me. “Well, obviously, your memory is still intact.”
“You should also know that I drafted you as my fantasy football quarterback, and if you don’t play tonight, I’ll start the season in last place.”
“Out of all the quarterbacks you could have drafted, you chose me? You must have gotten a shitty pick.”
“I had first pick, Danny.”
“But you should have taken Brady or Manning. Rogers.”
“Danny, this is your first full season. It’s your team. You’re not the replacement or the backup. You’re the starting quarterback for a professional football team. Exactly where we all knew you’d be. It’s your time to shine. There’s no other quarterback I’d want on my team. I don’t care how many rings they have. And, if I win, I’ll get, like, seventy-two dollars.”
He pips my finger and looks at his watch. “Oh, sure. That’s why you’re trying to get rid of me.”
I look at him seriously. “I really appreciate you being here with Phillip. A lot, Danny.”
“Nowhere else I’d be. His parents are here, too. I understand you were upset with Phillip’s mom before you left.”
“I blew up.”
“She chewed his ass, just so you know.”
“Why?”
“Because he should’ve talked to her about it.”
“I should have talked to her about it, too, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Honestly, it was Lori—”
“I’m sorry I made you go over there. She told me what she said. She feels really bad about everything that’s happened lately. When she apologizes, do you think you can forgive her? For me?”
I nod. “Of course I will.”
Danny smiles at me. “I’m glad you’re not dead.”
“I am, too.”
Phillip walks into the room, carrying a little bundle wrapped in the blue-and-white cloud blanket I bought just the other day. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look more handsome. When he was in here a few minutes ago, he looked exhausted. Now, he’s practically glowing.
The beaming look of pride he has trumps every single moment I saw on Heaven TV.
I can’t believe he’s carrying our baby.
He lays the bundle in my arms.
The most perfect baby stares up at me with wide blue eyes. His eyes are framed with dark eyelashes even though he has a tuft of blonde hair. He has adorably chubby cheeks and perfect lips. His mouth forms a little O-shape, and he coos at me.
“He’s so beautiful,” I whisper, still in awe of how perfectly perfect he is. I rub my lips across his feather-soft hair. “And he smells so good.”
I try to open up the blanket, but my IV gets caught.
Phillip helps me, revealing ten toes.
“Oh my gosh, he has your feet, Phillip!” I laugh, looking at his long, bony toes. “Look, Danny! He has Skeletor toes already!”
Danny laughs.
“But he looks just like you,” Phillip says dreamily.
“Do you really think so?”
“Looks like a little old man to me,” Danny teases.
Phillip ignores him. “My mom has a picture of us as babies, and he looks just like you did.”
“But he has your mouth,” I say.
“Did Phillip tell you he named the baby?” Danny asks with a naughty smirk.
“Oh, Phillip, you didn’t. If you named him Otto, I swear—”
He puts his pinkie next to the baby’s hand, and I watch in marvelous wonder as the baby grasps ahold of it.
“What? I thought you loved that name.”
I nod my head toward the door and motion to Danny with my eyes. “Don’t you have somewhere you need to be?”
“I’m not sure if I should play.”
“Danny, you need to.”
He kisses my head. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”
When he gets to the doorway, he stops, turns around, and lets out a deep sigh.
“What?” I ask.
He grabs the duffel bag that we had packed for the hospital. “After what you went through with your heart and all, I probably shouldn’t scare you.” He pulls the Nebraska gnome out of the bag and sets it on the bedside table.
“I wondered when that thing was going to turn up.” Phillip laughs.
“It’s been in your bag since you packed it. I thought you’d get a kick out of having it during the labor process, but Jay ruined my brilliant plan with all of her drama.”
I laugh with them but purposefully roll my eyes toward the door.
He holds up his hands. “Fine! I’m going!”
“I need lots of passing yards, please.”
Danny plugs his ears as he walks out. “I didn’t hear you.”
Phillip sits on the bed and grins at me. Then, he runs his hand across the baby’s forehead, just like he does mine when I’m stressed.
“Chase Michael Mackenzie, meet your mommy.”
“You gave him my dad’s middle name? We didn’t talk about that.”
“I know, but it just felt right. Did Danny tell you any of what happened?”
“Yeah, kind of.”
“Did he tell you that we thought you were dead for what felt like an eternity?”
“He did. I’m sorry you had to go through that, Phillip.”
Phillip nods, tears welling up in his eyes. He wraps his arm around me. “I love you.”
“I heard you, Phillip.”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t hear you when you talked to me after the surgery, but when you said, ‘Don’t leave me, Princess,’ I heard you. I never want to leave you.”
Emotions rip through me. Joy. Happiness. Relief.
And love.
Most of all, an overwhelming, deep-in-my-soul, all-consuming love.
“We have a present for you,” he says with a grin.
“We?”
“Yes, me and Chase.” He pulls my charm bracelet out of his pocket and puts it on my wrist.
I immediately spot the new charm. A star that’s sparkling with diamonds.
“It’s beautiful,” I say.
“Do you know why we got a star?”
“Heaven?” I guess.
“At the swings, before I proposed again, you told me that you’d always loved me but that our love felt too big and you felt small in comparison. I didn’t completely understand what you meant. But I do now. The love I feel for you and this little guy,” he says, squeezing my hand, “is almost overwhelming. Like the stars we used to stare at. My love for you both is the size of the universe.”
I kiss the baby’s head. “I love you, Chase Michael Mackenzie. Thank you for the charm.”
And then I kiss Phillip.
Danny is playing on the TV, the baby is sleeping in my arms, and Phillip is asleep in the recliner next to the bed. I stare at both of them in a happy daze. I notice the baby journal tucked into the chair next to Phillip, so I carefully reach over and grab it, deciding I need to write something.
I’m shocked to find out that Phillip already has.
Dear Baby Mac,
You were born three weeks early on September 7th, weighed in at six pounds five ounces, and were nineteen and a half inches long. You were early because you and Mommy got into a car accident, and it caused her to have something called a placental abruption. That’s a bad thing because it meant she was bleeding, and you were not getting all the oxygen you needed.
When you were born, you were a little blue, and your Apgar score was low, but the nurses took care of you, and the next time they did the score, you were almost perfect. Your mom had a rougher time, and for a while, I thought we had lost her.
It was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. Way worse than any of the bones I’ve broken. Even the time I fell out of a tree and they had to screw my arm back together.
But, when you love someone the way I love your mom, you’d happily take physical pain over the emotional kind.
She’s in the ICU now. Stable but critical. They say the next twenty-four hours are crucial.
And I’ll admit, I’m scared.
My parents are here—your grandparents.
And Danny. Danny is my best friend, and he’s never left my side through all of this. I hope, someday, you will have a friend like him.
Everyone has been asking me what your name is. To be honest, I thought you were going to be a girl. We had agreed on a girl’s name but not a boy’s.
But your mom’s favorite was Chase, so I decided on Chase Michael Mackenzie. You have a grandpa and grandma in heaven.
And it might sound crazy, but when I was crying in the waiting room, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw him rocking you. When I turned to see if I was just hallucinating, he was gone. But I’m pretty sure he was there. Helping us get through it.
So, I gave you his middle name—Michael.
I have to admit, I always thought most babies were kinda ugly.
But not you.
You’re perfect.
I’ve been holding you and feeding you until your mom is able to. And staring in wonder at your ten perfect fingers, ten perfect toes, and the cute little way you ball your fists up before you start crying.
It’s been killing your grandparents, but I won’t let anyone else hold you until she has.
She went through a lot to bring you into this world, and she deserves that honor.
And I’ve been telling you all about her. About how she’s been writing in this journal. About how she couldn’t wait to meet you.
About how much she loves you.
When your mom and I were young, we’d lie in a hammock and stare up at the stars. We’d talk about how infinitely big the universe was and how small we were in comparison. Your mom once told me that she felt small compared to how big our love felt.
I didn’t completely understand what she meant that day, but I certainly do now.
The love I feel for the two of you is almost overwhelming, like the size of the universe.
Your mom has a special charm bracelet, and I sent my dad out to buy her a diamond star, so she’ll always know we feel the same way about her.
When she wakes up, we’ll give it to her together.
I love you, Chase Michael Mackenzie, and I know your mommy can’t wait to meet you.
And, as soon as she finds out you’re a boy, she’ll probably tell me she told me so. Sleep well, my precious baby boy.
All my love,
Daddy
Tears stream down my face. Phillip gave me this journal, so I could write to the baby, but that isn’t really what I did. The journal was written more for me than for him.
I wrote some things that probably weren’t appropriate.
I wrote some things that were probably stupid.
I wrote some things that were probably silly.
But this journal represents my real journey. It’s not a sugarcoated fluff piece.
And, someday, I’ll tell him that nothing in this journal prepared me for the way I feel right now.
Nothing.
No childbirth class.
No books read.
Nothing could have prepared me because there is nothing in the world that compares to the feeling of holding your baby for the first time.
I smile, realizing I know now exactly when I’ll let him read it.
When he’s expecting his own baby someday.
Because I’ll want him to know that, sometimes, life doesn’t always go the way you planned it.
And, sometimes, tragedy can strike when you least expect it.
But, sometimes, it can be even more incredible than you ever imagined.
I grab a pen and start writing.
Dear Chase Michael Mackenzie,
My perfect, sweet baby boy.
We’re still in the hospital. Your dad is taking a nap, and I’ve got your uncle Danny’s football game on, but mostly, I’m watching you sleep in my arms. You’re making the cutest little faces as you dream, and I can’t wait until the day you smile at me for real.
I wish my parents were here to see you, but I know for sure that they are watching over us.
There’s something I want you to always remember.
You and I could have had a very different outcome. We’re both lucky to be alive. I’ll be thankful for every single day I get to spend with you.
And something else I know …
You are destined for greatness.
I don’t know what you’ll do or be, but I know it as surely as I feel my own heartbeat.
And I’m going to do everything I can to prepare you for it.
All my love,
Mommy
