Sunday morning, Phillip and I are awoken around ten by my loudly ringing phone. Yeah, it’s unusual for Phillip to sleep in, but I did keep him up late last night.
I grope around for the handset and can’t find it, so I hit the speaker button on the base.
“Hello?” I say groggily.
“JADE!” Lori’s screaming voice echoes into my room.
My God, she can’t possibly know about Phillip and me already.
Can she?
“You don’t sound awake. Are you still in bed?”
“Uh, yeah, but that’s okay. What’s up?”
“I AM SOOOO EXCITED! OH, I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE IT! YOU’RE. NEVER. GOING. TO. BELIEVE. IT!”
“Believe what?”
“I’M PREGNANT!”
“Oh, Lori, that is so awesome!” I look at Phillip, who just rolled over toward me when he heard the news. He has a great expression on his face, and I’m so excited that I start to say, “Phil—” Then, I stop quickly.
Because I am not in bed with Phillip right now as far as my friends know.
“What did you say, Jade? Did you say—”
I interrupt her, “I said, that’s awesome. Phil-ipping awesome.”
“No, you didn’t. You said Phil—oh my God! Is Phillip there? Am I on speakerphone? Phillip, if you’re there, you’d better answer me.”
I shake my head at Phillip, but he doesn’t do as I said.
Sure, now, he’s a rebel.
“Yeah, I’m here, Lori,” Phillip confesses. “Congratulations. This is so great. I bet Danny is just ecstatic.”
“Um, well, he doesn’t exactly know yet.”
“He doesn’t?” I ask, surprised.
“No!” she says and starts talking very fast. “I know I should have told him first, but after he left for the game this morning, I was getting ready and realized it’d been a long time since I had my period, and I looked at the date and saw I was, like, two weeks late! I’d been so busy trying to get this house all painted and decorated that I hadn’t even noticed. So, I ran to the drugstore and bought a home pregnancy test. I was standing here alone when it said Pregnant, and I just had to tell someone! And I didn’t want to call Danny right before his game and just tell him on the phone, like I was asking him about the traffic or something. I mean, I want to do something special.” She pauses for a moment. “Hey, wait a minute! Did you say you were still in bed?”
I am so busted.
“Uh, yeah,” I admit sheepishly.
“Finally! It’s about time! Phillip, how did you talk her into it? I told you it would work out. She is just so stubborn.”
“Hey! You’re on speakerphone. I can hear you.”
Phillip kisses me and says teasingly, “I didn’t have to do anything, Lori. She just couldn’t resist me any longer and begged for me.”
Uh, that’s not exactly right.
So, I stand up for myself and say, “I probably shouldn’t bring this up now that you’re pregnant and stuck with him, but you should know that your wonderful husband is a manipulative liar.”
An evil laugh fills my room. “You mean, the little Monica exaggeration? Oh, Jadyn, honey, that was all me.”
Phillip laughs. He thinks this is just hysterical.
I shake my head. “So, you’re both liars. It’s no wonder you’re perfect for each other.”
I see I’m not going to win this one. It’s a rare thing, but I know when I’m beat.
I give up.
Where’s the white flag?
Lori sighs peacefully. “This is almost the perfect day. I’m pregnant. You guys are together. Now, if Mark Conway could just get bonked on the head again, Danny could—oh. My. Gosh. I can’t even believe I just said that or even thought it! I’m so awful. That is just awful!”
She sounds like she’s going to cry.
And then she does.
She’s an emotional wreck. She’s never like this.
“I would never want that to happen to anyone. Oh my God, what is wrong with me? Can hormones mess with your brain like this? Please forget I said that.” She takes a big, loud breath. She is in control and businesslike again.
Man, pregnancy must be an emotional roller coaster ride because she has gone through, like, four moods in less than two minutes.
“Anyway, so does this mean, you two can share a room next Monday night after the game? That would be great because then I’d only have to get one guest room done. These construction workers are just moving so slow.”
“Sure,” I say, “and if we’re not still together by then, Phillip will gladly sleep on the floor.”
“You guys are going to watch the game today, aren’t you?” she asks.
“Yeah, you know we wouldn’t miss it. And you know Phillip; he always spoils me, so we’re going to Hooters.” I laugh.
Phillip grabs me because he thinks I am a naughty girl for saying that.
And, when he starts kissing my stomach, I have a hard time thinking, but I do hear Lori say, “Cool. Maybe you’ll see me on TV. I’ll wave to you. And when Danny calls to tell you the good news …”
“We’ll act surprised,” Phillip and I say at the same time.
Phillip and I go to Hooters and get a table right in front of the big screen. We order a bucket of beers and drummies, hot and extra crispy.
I know most women hate Hooters, but they really do have good wings.
The team isn’t playing very well even though they have most of their starting players in for this last preseason game.
About three minutes into the second quarter, the defense intercepts a pass, and the offense rushes back out onto the field. On the first down, the play gets totally blown up, and the quarterback, Mark Conway, gets sacked.
He goes down hard.
And he doesn’t get up.
Lori must be going crazy. She’ll be convinced that she somehow caused this.
While the trainers are out on the field, the camera shows Danny warming up on the sideline. They go back to the picture of the quarterback on the field. He tries to sit up, looks like he doesn’t know where he is, and is laid back down.
The game announcers say it looks like he got his bell rung. Again.
Evidently, he has a history of concussions.
Danny runs out onto the field and stands with the rest of the team.
It takes a few minutes for the trainers to look at the quarterback and get him carted off the field.
During this time, the commentators talk about Danny’s college career, and then they flash on Lori.
“His wife,” they announce.
Lori waves.
At us, I know!
I stand up and wave back.
On TV, we see her grab a sign from a lady next to her, flip it over, and furiously write on it.
The commentator starts to say, “I wonder …”
But, before he can finish, she holds up the sign. It says, I’M PREGNANT!
The announcers love this, and you can see that she is now up on the jumbo screen in the stadium.
The crowd is clapping and screaming.
The TV cameras flash back to Danny in the huddle, and we watch as one of the big linemen pats Danny on the back and points up to the screen. Danny looks up at it.
Unfortunately, we can’t see the look on his face, but I just know he is smiling at that!
The ref blows the whistle, and play resumes. Danny claps his hands once, and everyone takes their formation. Danny immediately throws a beautiful, deep fifty-two-yard pass straight into the end zone.
Touchdown!
The crowd goes wild. So do Phillip and I and pretty much everyone in Hooters. All of a sudden, many Nebraska fans are now Kansas City fans.
Everyone loves a winner.
The defense is pumped and feeding off the noisy crowd, who feels hopeful again. They cause a fumble, and Danny is back on the field. He leads the team sixty yards straight down the field where the running back takes it in from the six-yard line.
The game is very exciting and ends with Danny brilliantly winning.
After the game, the media is all over him. They tell him what a great game he had and want him to speculate on whether he should be the starting quarterback.
Danny takes it all in stride and says very appropriately, “Mark Conway is our team’s starting quarterback. He’s our leader, and I just went out there today and tried my best to fill his shoes. I really have to give all the credit to the offensive line. They took care of me and made my job very easy. I had all day to throw the ball.”
“So, how do you like KC so far?” a reporter asks.
“Well, I came here from Nebraska, home of the greatest fans in college football. So, I feel right at home here, in KC, home of the greatest fans in professional football.”
What a suck-up, I think. Of course, I know he’s serious.
Another reporter says, “And this is quite a day for you personally as well. Congratulations. So, what did you think when you saw your wife on the big screen?”
“Well, it certainly took my mind off how nervous I was,” Danny replies simply.
Now, there’s an understatement if I ever heard one.
