Three days until my first real date.
I am so excited!
I am also a paranoid, nervous wreck.
I like this boy so much! His name is Ryan. Ryan Marshall.
Ryan is so good-looking, and he’s a senior! He reminds Katie and me of Jake from the movie Sixteen Candles. I know it’s an old movie, and the clothes are weird, but it’s still funny and romantic, and it is worth watching just to lust after Jake. Lisa, Katie, and I all rank Jake in the Top 25 on our lists of All-Time Movie Hotties.
So, how does this sound?
JJ Marshall.
Jadyn Marshall.
Jadyn James Reynolds-Marshall.
Mrs. Ryan Marshall.
Doesn’t that just roll off your tongue?
Speaking of tongues, they are the main reason I’m a nervous wreck. Ryan is a senior, and, well, sadly, I’m not all that experienced with boys. I mean, I’m a freshman, and I have been to dances with boys my age and have even gone out with boys, but I’ve never really kissed them. Not like I hope to kiss Ryan anyway.
Bobby Robinson did shove his tongue into my mouth one time when we were kissing under the bleachers at a football game, but it didn’t feel so good. I’m pretty sure he didn’t have it exactly right.
So, I talked to my friends Katie and Lisa about how to properly make out.
But … well, here is just a bit of their unhelpful advice.
“Just let him take the lead and do whatever he does.”
Um, couldn’t that get me into a lot of trouble?
“Just sort of kiss his tongue but try not to drool.”
“Don’t open your mouth too wide.”
And then, “Just open your mouth wide.”
See?
Stupid, conflicting information.
And this from girls who supposedly know how to do this!
I feel like I’m an undercover CIA agent trying to wrestle vital information out of a ruthless double agent when the fate of the free world depends upon it. All the while, the president is yelling at me in a panic, saying, Somebody! Anybody! Just get me the truth!
You know, this is really the kind of stuff that would be helpful to learn in health class. Much more useful information than knowing how a fallopian tube works or what kinds of cancer I can fight by adding fiber to my diet.
I mean, this is a date of epic proportions.
He’s a senior, for God’s sake!
My high school reputation could be ruined or made in one single night.
I don’t want to be known as a terrible kisser!
Or, worse, as totally inexperienced!
I’ve got to do something.
Get me somebody, anybody!
I need someone who has experience and, most importantly, who will help me.
I glance out my window and see Danny’s bedroom light is on.
Cha-ching.
Danny has experience, and I’m too desperate to be embarrassed.
So, I call him. “Danny, are your parents home?”
“No, they went to that parents’ meeting at school with yours.”
Yay!
“Good. I’m coming over. And you’re, like, totally alone? Phillip isn’t there, is he?”
“No, I’m totally alone. What’s up, Jay?”
“Um, I just really, really need your help with something. Be right there.”
I slam down the phone and run out of my house and over to his. I barge in the front door and take the stairs two at a time up to his bedroom. He’s sitting on his bed with a varsity football playbook spread out in front of him. I can tell by the intense look on his face, he has been studying hard. Danny’s goal is to be the best high school quarterback in the state and then play for Nebraska. Let’s just say, he is well on his way to achieving his goals.
“Hey, Jay,” he says, straightening up. “What’s the top-secret meeting all about?”
Maybe this is a bad idea.
No. You’ve got to find this stuff out.
It’s vital to our country’s well-being!
Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but it is vital to my well-being.
I pace the length of his room a couple of times, wringing my hands together, trying to get up the nerve.
“Okay, here it is. I need your help, and, well, I’m kind of embarrassed to say it, but here goes. I have that date with Ryan on Saturday, and I’m afraid I won’t know what to do. I mean, I’ve never done it before, and I’m not exactly sure how. I don’t even know if he’ll want to do it with me, but I’m hoping that he will, and, well, I want to, you know, be prepared. So, I need you to help me, Danny. Will you show me what to do?”
Danny stares at me in disbelief.
“This is a joke, right?” He laughs, gets off the bed, and looks down the hall. “Where’s Phillip hiding?”
“No, Danny, I’m serious. I mean, if you can’t show me, could you at least tell me if I know how to do it right?”
“Let me get this right, Jay. You want me to show you how to have sex?” He has a huge goofball grin on his face. “Wow. Well, I suppose that could be arrange—”
“Wait! What? Sex? Danny, what are you talking about?”
“What are you talking about, Jay? You’re the one who said you’ve never done it and that you want me to show you.”
“I never said that!” Well, wait a minute. Maybe I sorta did. “I mean, if I did say it, it’s not what I meant.”
Now, he’s staring at me like I’m psycho.
I probably am.
“The truth is, Danny, I’ve never really made out.” There, I said it. “And I really, really need to know how to do it right. I can’t seem to get reliable information from my friends, I can’t ask my parents, and Ashley’s at college, so you’re my only hope.”
He continues the stone-faced look at me. “I thought you made out with Bobby?”
“Yeah, I did, and it was awful. And I don’t wanna be awful,” I whine desperately.
Then, I change directions in my thinking, trying to figure out a way to get him to teach me. So, I say with a challenge, “Hmm, well, maybe you can’t do it. That’s okay. I’ll just go ask Phillip for help.”
“Heck no,” he growls. “He has about as much experience in that department as you do. Fine. I’ll help you.” He puts his hand up to his chin, thinking. “Hmm. Come sit down.”
I sit cross-legged on his bed, facing him.
“Here. Take this.” He throws his pillow at me.
Ooh. Yum. It smells just like him.
But, uh, excuse me. I’ve already tried practicing on my pillow, and it was no help!
“No, that won’t work.” He quickly snatches the musky thing away from me. “Too big. I know. Hold your hand up to your face,” he orders. “Kiss it.”
I look at him like he’s nuts, but he nods his head, so I hold my palm up in front of my face and push my lips into it.
“Turn sideways a bit, so I can see better,” he bosses, so I turn. “Okay, but your puckering is way too tight. You’re not kissing your grandma, Jay.”
“No, worse,” I gripe, “I’m kissing my hand.”
He glares at me. I think I had better just do as he said.
“Just loosen your lips. Try again.”
This time, I pucker my lips but then try to make them loose. I glance over at him, my eyebrows raised in hope.
“All right, now, slightly open your mouth.”
I try to slightly open my mouth. “This feels ridiculous.”
“Hmm, is this really that important to you?”
“Uh, ye-ah. He’s a senior! My entire reputation is at stake here.”
“Well, okay then.” He jumps off his bed, shuts and locks his door, and turns off the light. There’s plenty of light coming through his window from the streetlight, so I can still see him. But I must appear alarmed because he says, “Look, I just don’t want anyone walking in on this.”
He looks at me like he’s a soldier being sent off to war, and I should be proud of his bravery and selflessness.
Actually, I am.
“Plus, you need to relax. Maybe, in the dark, you won’t feel so stupid.” He plops back down on his bed next to me and continues, “Tilt your head a little to the left.”
I tilt my head.
“Lick your lips, so they’re not all dry.”
I lick.
“Stop smiling and close your eyes.”
I close them.
“Come on, Jay, I shouldn’t have to tell you everything! Pucker those lips.”
I pucker.
“No! Not so tight.”
When he touches my bottom lip with his finger, I nearly jump off the bed, my eyes flying wide open as he yells at me, “Lesson number one? Don’t do that! You scared the crap out of me. You have got to relax!”
He reaches out and puts his hands on both of my shoulders, feeling that they are in fact extremely tense. “God, you’re way tense!”
Puh-leeze, how could I not be?
I mean, doesn’t this whole effed up situation require some tension on my part?
“Sorry.” I breathe deep and shake my shoulders, but it doesn’t help. I am still tense.
Danny’s hands are still on my shoulders, and he starts rubbing them.
I can’t help but melt—I mean, uh … relax.
“I know. Let’s try some positive visualization. Close your eyes again.” He speaks slowly in a hypnotic tone, “All right, picture yourself at the movies with Ryan. So, it’s dark, and the movie is playing—”
“Wait! What are we seeing?”
“Does it really matter?”
“Uh, yeah. If you want me to visualize, I need the whole picture.”
“Fine then. Something scary, so you’ll want to hang on to him.”
“Okay.” I nod and smile. “That sounds good.”
“So, at the scary movie, he puts his arm around your shoulders.” Danny moves to my side and puts his arm around my shoulders. “You turn your face toward him and look into his eyes.”
I turn my face toward Danny.
“He smiles and leans in to kiss you.” Danny pushes my hand up to my face, pressing my lips into my hand.
I like this visualization stuff. I pretend my hand is Ryan and start to give it a good kiss, but then I think about how ridiculous I must look and start laughing again.
Danny does a big, huffy breath at me and shoves my hand away from my mouth. “Stop laughing.”
I keep my eyes shut tight and bite my lip while Danny continues in the hypnotic voice, “Okay, I’m going to touch your lip, and I want you to open your mouth a bit.”
I giggle again.
I can’t help it! I really can’t!
“Oh, screw it,” he says.
I open my eyes and watch him shake his head at me.
“This is just too hard to explain.”
I am ready to scream, I’ll stop laughing. Please, please, please don’t give up on me, when he pulls me toward him and covers my mouth with his.
Oh. My. Gosh.
He’s kissing me!
Danny is kissing me!
And, wow, practical knowledge. This is even better!
He kisses me with soft lips and a slightly opened mouth.
Oh.
He is a good kisser.
I kiss him back.
He impatiently taps my hand.
I take it I’m supposed to do something.
Why am I here again?
Oh, yeah, the tongue thing.
I cautiously stick my tongue out, and somehow, he grabs the bottom of it with his tongue and sort of sucks on it.
Oh my, that’s nice.
He taps me again.
I stop for a second because I’m not real sure what to do. But then Danny puts his tongue into my mouth, so I try to mimic what he did to me … and, hey, it works!
I think I’m kind of getting the hang of this.
And wow! It feels really good.
Obviously, this is the right way to do it. I knew Bobby Robinson didn’t have a clue.
Danny and I practice for a little while longer.
I never knew learning could be so much fun!
All of a sudden, I hear something.
But it’s hard to be concerned about a stupid, random noise when Danny is lying on top of me, kissing me, one hand tangled in my hair, the other hand up my shirt.
But then I hear something else, and my brain awakens.
I tear my lips away from Danny and turn my head. Danny kisses down the side of my neck while I peek over at the clock next to his bed.
The clock says nine thirty.
Nine thirty?
Wait. What?
Nine thirty?
Nine thirty!
That can’t be right!
When I left home, it was seven thirty!
Have I been making out with Danny for two whole hours?
Crap!
Are Danny’s parents home?
Danny and I both hear the next noise.
Danny’s mom calls out, “Danny.”
And I swear to God, she must apparate from the garage because, in less than an instant, she is at his door, trying to open it.
But it’s locked.
She tries the handle again and says, “Danny, may I come in?”
Danny says, “Sure, Mom, just a sec.”
He seems way too cool about this. He gives me his Devil Danny grin along with a last deep kiss and jumps off the bed.
Only problem is, my leg is still wrapped around his, and he sorta tumbles out of the bed instead.
And I don’t know why—maybe I am slightly high from kissing him—but I find this quite funny and can’t help but giggle.
Danny grins back at me as he picks himself up off the floor.
Well, he’s grinning until his mom hears my giggling and says madly, “Danny Diamond, unlock the door this instant. Who is in there with you?”
Danny is not supposed to have girls over when his parents aren’t home.
Shit. Shit.
Well, double shit.
We stare at each other for a second.
This is gonna look bad.
I’ve got to think of something quick.
Work, brain, work!
I see Danny’s binoculars on the floor, half-hidden beneath a sock, and I grab them. Then, I spy his little telescope on a shelf next to an old Punt, Pass, and Kick trophy. I jump up quick and sweep it onto his bed.
All this while he walks over to the door and unlocks it.
I am amazing and brilliant, I think.
Especially considering the fact that, for the last two hours, my brain has been nothing but mush.
Danny’s mom bursts into the room.
She sees me sitting on his bed and grimaces, like she walked in on us naked.
She seems kinda angry as she turns to Danny and says, “What’s going on? Why are you and JJ in here with the door locked and the lights off?”
Although her voice is stern, there’s a slight panic in it. I can only imagine what she thinks we were doing.
I mean, she could be partially right. But what was going on was, you know, only for academical—I’m not sure if that’s a real word or not—purposes.
Really!
However, I don’t think we could explain it that way.
Danny stands there. I know he is thinking, Busted!
I can tell he hasn’t come up with a plausible excuse, and I certainly can’t let him get into trouble.
He was only helping out his friend.
And he was really, really, really helpful.
So, I lie easily, “We were just spying on Phillip, Mrs. D.” I innocently hold up the binoculars and point across the street toward Phillip’s window.
Thank God Phillip is sitting at his desk, doing something on his computer.
She walks to the window and looks over at Phillip.
I give Danny a hopeful glance.
He winks back at me.
“Okay, so why was the door locked?”
“Um, well,” I lie some more, “so no one came in and blew our cover. You can see how the hall light just lit this room up.” I sweep my arms out into a circle. I’m kind of getting into this.
Danny and I even duck when Phillip glances, seemingly on cue, our way. I knew Phillip could read my mind because I have been sending him telepathic messages to do just that!
Only I hope he wasn’t reading my mind earlier. I’m not sure I want him to know the things I might have been thinking about Danny.
Uh, yeah …
“He keeps looking over here. He might know it’s us,” Danny whispers, like he’s afraid Phillip can hear us. “We’ve been sending him secret admirer instant messages.”
I go further with Danny’s lie. I laugh and say, “It’s been pretty hilarious because he’s been trying to juggle between our messages and his girlfriend’s.”
But then I glance at Danny’s computer and suddenly realize it is not even turned on.
Crap!
I need to come up with something good to get her out of here fast!
Oh. I’ve got it.
“We also caught him perusing some fairly entertaining websites.”
I don’t say, As in porn, but the way I have my eyebrows raised and a big grin on my face, I’m pretty sure she gets my drift because, all of a sudden, her face goes white, and she looks embarrassed.
Apparently, this was way too much information.
“Fine,” she says. “I’ll leave the lights off, but the door stays open.”
Thankfully, she goes back downstairs. Probably straight to the phone to call Mrs. Mac and get Phillip in trouble.
“Thanks,” Danny says, blowing out a big breath of air. “I couldn’t come up with a good excuse. My mind was just blank.”
“Well, you caught up quick. The ducking was brilliant.”
“What can I say?” Danny high-fives me. “We’re a good team.”
A good kissing team, is what I’m thinking, but I doubt that’s what he’s referring to.
“Um, I suppose I’d better get home. I, uh, didn’t leave a note or anything. I mean, I, uh, didn’t expect this to take so long.”
Funny, I didn’t feel at all embarrassed when we were making out, but I feel a little awkward now. Part of me wants to run and hide; the other part of me wants to lock the world away, so I can kiss him some more.
You know, for practice’s sake only!
“Come on, I’ll walk you home,” Danny says, not the least bit awkward.
I follow him down the stairs and out the door.
“Uh, thanks for that and everything. I, um,” I stutter and wring my hands. “Danny, do you think I did okay? I mean, will I do all right on my date?”
“You know, I don’t think so, Jay.” He shakes his head and hangs it in apparent sorrow.
I look at that boy, shocked.
He continues with a sly grin, “It might take many more long, grueling hours of practice for you to get it right. But”—he raises his hand to his heart—“I can tell you’re committed to learning, so I’ll just have to take one for the team and give you some more private lessons.”
I stare at that goofy boy.
“You know what they say, practice makes perfect. Let’s see … how about every day after school?”
“Um, you have football practice,” I reply with a duh in my voice.
“Damn,” he says, moving his arm in an aw-shucks fashion and snapping his fingers. “But, hey, you know, anything for a friend.”
“Danny, you are so noble, but I think you’d better go to practice. You can’t play for Nebraska someday if you don’t.”
I look him in those beautiful blue eyes. It’s almost too bad I kept my eyes closed while I was kissing him. “Seriously though, thank you. I was so freaked out when I got to your house, and now, I’m, like, totally relaxed.”
“Ah, yeah”—Danny laughs—“two straight hours of kissing will do that.”
“It didn’t seem like that long,” I say, shaking my head in disbelief.
“Never does. Um, let’s not, you know, mention this to anyone.”
“Duh.”
“I doubt Brittany would approve of my tutoring you in this particular subject.” He laughs, referring to his sorta girlfriend.
“I think you’re probably right. And you should know that I appreciate your selflessness in my time of need.”
“You’ll do fine on your date.” He kisses me on the cheek, throws his arm around my shoulders, and says in a practiced Southern drawl, “JJ, darlin’, when you’re ready ta move on past kissin’ and want ta do some more practicin’, you just come and see ol’ Uncle Danny. Anytime. Keep it in the family, love.”
Oh, jeez, now, he’s British.
I just shake my head at him. He really cracks me up.
“You’re sick. You know that?”
“Yeah, well, that’s why you love me,” is his smart-aleck reply.
We are at my front porch now. I just smile at that boy, and walk in my front door.
Up in my room, I lie on my bed and close my eyes. My lips feel all tingly. In fact, I feel like we’re still kissing. I think it’s kind of like when you’ve been on a boat all day, and even though you’re off it, you still can feel it rocking.
I’m really looking forward to my date now.
When Phillip calls me at ten o’clock for our nightly phone call, I tell him I have a headache and am going to sleep. I don’t want to ruin the way I feel with mindless conversation.
