Results are as follows:
Number of wedding dresses tried on: 11
Attempted assassinations of bridesmaid with a wedding dress and a large vase: 1
Number of cake photos looked at: 1,279
Number of cupcakes I’ve consumed: 5
Number of times we’ve had sex: 7
Number of decisions made about wedding: 0
Lori calls me and asks how the wedding planning is going.
“I feel like I’m drowning in options. I don’t think you understand. You just got on the phone, said I want to get married on the beach at sunset, and you did.”
“I still had to make choices when we got to the resort. They showed us three cakes, and we picked one.”
“I looked at thousands of cakes online. Then, I got hungry for cake, so I made white cupcakes with chocolate frosting.”
“Oh, that sounds really good.”
“It was good, especially when Phillip came home for lunch. We got in a frosting fight and ended up doing it on the kitchen counter.”
Lori screams, “Jade! You and Phillip are naughty. Then, what happened?”
“He told me I was dirty and needed a shower. We did it again in the shower. Then, he decided he didn’t really need to go back to work, so we spent the rest of the afternoon in bed. I didn’t get much planning done.”
“That still sounds fun. You and Phillip seem like you have a lot of fun together. I’m so happy for you. Hey, why aren’t you at work?”
“I’m really happy, too. If I tell you something, will you promise me you won’t tell a soul? Not even Danny. Like, we’re going to tell everyone soonish but just not yet.”
“Are you pregnant? Is that possible? It’s only been a few weeks, but I guess it’s possi—”
“Lori, I’m not pregnant.”
“Oh, what is it then?”
I can’t hold it in any longer. “Phillip got a promotion. He’s going to be running the new Kansas City branch of their business. That means that we’re going to move to Kansas City! We can see each other all the time!”
“OH MY GOSH! That’s the best news ever! I know we talk a lot, but it’s not the same. I miss you. I have no one to shop with. When are you going to move? What about your job?”
“I miss you, too. A lot. I quit my job on Monday. I’m going to work for Phillip, if you can believe that. I’m going to help him find temporary offices, design them, and then design and oversee the building of their headquarters.”
“Oh, Jade! I’m so excited for you. That’s what you want to do.”
“I know, and there’s more.”
“More? Wait. I have to pee. Hang on. I’m taking you in the bathroom with me.”
“I really didn’t need to know that. Just mute it. I don’t wanna hear you pee. So, this is the even bigger news. We’re going to get married really soon. Like, sometime this winter. Hopefully December or January.”
I hear peeing, and she screams, “JADE! That’s the BEST news EVER! I’m so happy for you. But, oh my gosh, you must be freaking out. Trying to plan a wedding so quickly. Wait, you don’t seem like you’re freaking out. Why are you so calm?”
“I have no idea. Phillip said the same thing when he told me about everything. It just all feels so right, Lori. I can’t wait to marry Phillip. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.”
“Awww, that’s so sweet. Okay, so do you need help? Maybe you should hire a wedding planner.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I do feel like I’m drowning in options. So, will you help me a little?”
“I have all day. Let me get some paper.” I hear flushing, then water, and then her walking across the hardwood floor in her kitchen. “Can you hear that?” she asks.
I’m pretty sure I just heard way more than I needed to, but I don’t know what exactly she’s referring to. “Hear what?”
“The workers. They’re so noisy. They’re sawing tiles outside right now. It’s a mess, but the bathroom is starting to look pretty cool, don’t you think?”
“It’s going to be beautiful, just like you. Did I tell you how gorgeous you look while pregnant? Mrs. Diamond was going on about how you’re glowing. They’re pretty excited to be grandparents.”
“Yeah, they are. It’s cool. Okay, so what do you want for your wedding? Do you have any ideas?”
“A few. I want a white cake with chocolate frosting. I’m not sure how I want it to look, but I do want it tall with lots of layers. I found a picture of one that had fluffy chocolate frosting with little white and pink designs. So far, it’s my favorite. I was thinking about doing a red velvet cake for the groom’s cake since it’s Phillip’s favorite.”
“Those both sound good. So, if the cake has pink on it, does that mean you want pink for your color?”
“I don’t think so. I’m not sure on a color yet.”
“Okay, what else do you know?”
“My mom and I talked about my wedding reception when I was little. I always thought it would be in a big ballroom with pretty chandeliers and lots of candlelight. I know I’m not the most romantic person, never really been into all that mushy stuff, but, with Phillip, I feel romantic. I want the wedding to feel romantic.”
“I think all weddings should be romantic, and you and Phillip have so much history. There will be lots of cool things you can do. Okay, so I have all that. What else?”
“I know it’s not all about the party, but we want a great reception. I know Phillip will be picky about the food. He also wants to wear a black tuxedo, and we want it to be formal.”
“Jade, I’m so proud of you! You said you didn’t know anything you wanted, but you really know a lot. Your theme is romance. You know what kind of cake you want. I think the next thing you need to do is find somewhere to have the reception. That will help you set your date. Then, you need to find a dress. I think you should go shopping by yourself. I wish I were there, but here’s what I think you should do. Tell the consultant you want to try on a dress of each silhouette. That’s what I did.”
“Katie told me to do that, but Lisa made me try on a bunch of ballgowns.”
“Just tell them you don’t like ballgowns. I figured out pretty quickly what I liked and didn’t like. After trying on four or five different styles, I knew I wanted an A-line dress. It looked the best on my figure. Then, we set out to find one that was perfect for a beach wedding.”
“Your dress was gorgeous. I loved how simple it was.”
“Vera Wang does simple very well. I loved my dress and felt amazing in it. Think about that, too. You’ll be in the dress for hours. Make sure it’s comfortable.”
“The dress seems like it sorta sets the tone for the wedding.”
“Yes, and no. You already know you want a formal wedding, so you’re going to want a more formal dress. Your goal for today is to figure out what style you want. That’s it. So, go.”
“Okay, I’ll go. Call you later. And, Lori, thanks.”
“You’re welcome, Jade, and I promise I won’t tell Danny.”
I grab a cupcake and slowly lick the frosting off the top while thinking about how sexy the man I’m going to marry is. I click on the internet to pull up a raunchy gift store’s website. Maybe I can find a sexy game or some cute coupons for Phillip. Something that will keep Naughty Dream Week going.
OMG!
I come across an item that I have to tell Danny about because I’m dying laughing about this. I believe it’s an item that a boy would use to, um, pleasure himself.
Me: I’m online, looking for some naughty games. Do you think we should have some for the XXX wedding?
At the wedding store, I look at dresses. I don’t know what I want. Like, I’ve looked at a million dress ads in magazines, but none of them screamed at me from the page, saying they were the one.
I think I want something simple. I don’t want lace. I don’t want anything flashy.
Something elegant, beautiful, subtle, and refined.
Just like me.
I laugh.
Ha!
Sorry. I even have to laugh at myself sometimes.
Really, I want my wedding dress to be like Danny’s old girlfriends.
SSE—simple, smooth, and easy.
Vibrate.
Danny: What naughty games?
Me: Can’t talk now. I’m trying on wedding dresses!
Danny: That’s okay. I’m at a photo op with a few of the guys from the team and some of the cheerleaders. Totally exhausted, but still smiling and signing autographs.
Me: Keep smiling and remember 🙂 not 😀
Danny: Will do.
I leave the store, feeling a little depressed. I know Lori told me just to narrow in on a style, and I think I did. All the ladies at the bridal store seemed to think I looked best in a strapless mermaid-style gown. I agree on strapless, but I don’t know if I picture myself at my wedding, looking like a mermaid.
