Last night, I laughed and smiled about Phillip’s dreams, but now that I’m at work, trying to focus on pulling some figures together for a budget meeting I’m about to go into, my mind is still thinking about it.
Because it’s sorta bugging me.
I mean, shouldn’t he have attacked me in his dreams? Shouldn’t that have been his dream?
I’m about to have a little freak-out in my mind when my cell vibrates.
Apparently, Phillip has shared our wedding theme with Danny because I receive a random text.
Danny: Groom’s cake = strippers jumping out!
Oh, wow. That’s funny!
Me: Groomsmen dress like Chippendales. Meaning a tuxedo with no shirt for you!
Danny: Gonna have to work on the abs some more.
Me: Yeah, right. What are we up to now, an eight-pack?
Danny: Gotta keep the core strong, baby. 😉
Me: Got a meeting. Gotta go.
I go to my project meeting. During the meeting, I keep getting texts from Danny. Nobody notices this, except the guy who is sitting next to me and is kind of a creeper. He always makes slightly sexual comments to me. He’s never crossed the line really. He just kinda creeps me out. I can tell he’s reading my texts because he just almost burst out with a laugh. He tried to hold it in, which caused him to snort coffee up his nose and have a mini choking fit.
10:08
Danny: Bridesmaids = sexy schoolgirls.
11:22
Danny: Bridesmaids all dressed in different sexy outfits.
11:23
Danny: One a sexy schoolgirl, one a French maid.
11:47
Danny: Reception = all couples swinging. Provide masks for anonymity.
11:49
Danny: Whips and chains for party favors?
It’s very difficult for me to concentrate during the meeting, and every time I see my phone light up, I sneak a peek and want to die laughing. Finally, we break for lunch, and although Danny’s texts have been entertaining, my mind is still on Phillip’s dreams.
I go out to my car and call Lori.
I need to talk about this and probably shouldn’t do it at my desk where everyone can hear about my sex life.
Especially the creeper.
As we were walking out of the meeting, he said, “Sounds like you have some fun when you’re not at work,” and, “Hmm, I thought your fiancé’s name was Phillip. You’re a naughty girl, aren’t you?”
And I tried hard not to gag in front of him.
Lori answers, and I’m like, “Phillip told me he used to have naughty dreams about me.” I don’t even say hello.
But she goes with it. “And that surprises you?”
“Well, yeah, actually, it did, or I wouldn’t be calling you about it.”
“Oh, Jade. What am I going to do with you? You’re so oblivious.”
“Hey, don’t judge! I need help and advice, and I called you, but never mind.”
“Oh! You called me to ask for advice? You never do that! You always call Danny.”
“I know, so help me!”
She makes a little noise that lets me know she’s quite proud of this. “Oh, well, continue.”
“Okay, so in Phillip’s dreams, I attacked him. So, does that mean his subconscious thought was that I was hot for him and wanted to attack him, or does it mean his subconscious was hot for me and wished I would attack him, so, in the dreams, I did? Like, if he was hot for me, why didn’t he attack me in the dreams?”
“Does it really matter? He wanted you. He’s always wanted you, and now, you have him.”
“It kinda matters to me.”
Lori sighs. “Jade, for a girl who barely gives anything she says or does a second thought, oh my gosh, you way overprocess everything in your mind when it comes to Phillip. Why don’t you put that brain to better use and start planning your wedding?”
“One, I like the boy. And, two, I am working on the wedding.”
“Really?”
“Well, sorta. We watched that show you told us about, but we also drank a whole bottle of wine, and then Phillip kinda attacked me. Lori, he’s so freaking sexy. And the sex? Oh my gosh, the sex is so …”
“Jade, I thought you wanted my advice.” She is not impressed.
“I do.”
“But you’re not gonna take it, right?”
“Well, I’m not going to forget about this, if that’s what you mean. I can’t!”
“Why does it matter?”
“I’m trying to determine why I attacked him in the dreams because I have a wild idea.”
“Wow. Now, I’m really impressed you’re asking me for advice. Aren’t wild ideas, like, Danny’s specialty?”
“Yes, they are, but I called you because I’m thinking about making those dreams come true.”
This sinks in, and she says, “Oh my! As in act them out? Oh, Jade, he’ll like that!”
“Well, I hope so, but if I don’t understand the dream, it won’t be right.”
“Hmm, hang on. I’m gonna get Danny and put you on speaker. I actually might be in over my head on this one. We need a boy’s opinion.”
I knew I should’ve just called him in the first place, but I’m happy I called Lori first because she seems so happy about it.
I hear Danny’s deep voice go, “What’s up, girls?”
And I’m like, “So, last night, Phillip told me that he used to have naughty dreams about me.”
Danny says, “So? Big deal. We both did.”
“You did?” I say.
“Well, a couple, sure. I mean, we were together all the time.”
“Danny! Did you dream about me or lots of girls?”
“Well, duh, lots of girls.”
“Crap. Now, I’m depressed. Phillip probably did, too.”
Lori chimes in and explains to Danny, “Phillip told her he used to have naughty dreams about her, and for some reason—that reason being, she’s oblivious—she was surprised by this.”
Danny says, “Jay baby, pretty much all of Phillip’s dreams were about you.”
“He told you about them?” Lori and I say at the same time.
“Well, yeah, some of them. We’ve always talked about everything. You know that.”
“Dang, I thought you guys told me everything, too. Now, I’m sad.”
“Don’t be. In high school, our dreams were certainly more exciting than what we were actually doing.”
“Danny, you did plenty of doing in high school.”
“Not really. Think about high school sex. It was do it quick, don’t get caught, pray her parents don’t come home early, pray she doesn’t get pregnant. Not exactly dreamworthy.”
“I think Jade was considering trying to fulfill some of Phillip’s dreams,” Lori says.
“Like his fantasies? Wow, lucky guy. He’ll definitely like that.”
“Well, I was thinking about it, but now that I know he had them about other girls, I don’t know if I want to.”
Danny says, “Jay, come on, like, all his dreams were about you.”
“He told you that?”
“Kinda, yeah.”
“So, what you’re saying is that you really don’t know?”
“No, they were mostly about you. I know that because, when they weren’t and they were about, like, a Victoria’s Secret model, he would tell me. And, most of the time, he wouldn’t tell me who the girl was. I would ask, and he would always say, ‘It doesn’t matter.’ It all makes sense now. It had to be you. So, you wanna make his dreams come true, huh?”
“Yeah, but which one? If you talked about it, do you remember … did he have, like, a favorite?”
“Yes, actually, he did. It involved you and me getting it on in that little tent we used to camp in.”
“So, it was a threesome?” I ask.
Lori says, “I can’t imagine Phillip dreaming that.”
“Oh. My. Gosh!” I say. “Is Phillip bisexual?”
Danny chuckles. “Oh, wait. Maybe that was my dream.”
Lori humphs.
I’m like, “Danny!”
And he goes, “Ha-ha. I’m just kidding. And, jeez, Lori, I was fourteen. Okay, so back on track here. I remember one he used to have a lot. We were at the ball field, and someone attacked him on the hood of his car. Of course, that was you. Remember how the three of us used to do that? Sit there, drinking my special Gatorade-vodka mixes and eating sunflower seeds? But there was also a Spin the Bottle one that I never really understood.”
Lori is like, “I know that one! Jade, remember when I told you it was time to play Spin the Bottle again?”
“Yeah.” I can’t help but smile about that.
“Did that happen?” Danny asks.
“Kinda. Remember when Mary Beth had a crush on him, and he was in the closet with her for seven minutes of what was probably pure hell at Lisa’s fourteenth birthday party?”
“I did hear about that part. He told me he wouldn’t kiss her because she was gross and mean to you.”
“Awww, really? That’s so sweet. Phillip’s so sweet.”
“The story, Jay?”
“Oh, yeah. So, later that night, we played Spin the Bottle, and the bottle landed, like, right between Mary Beth and me. He pointed the bottle toward me, and then he kissed me. He was just trying to piss MB off. That was the last time I really kissed him until after your engagement.”
“Makes sense now. So, Jay, did you have any dreams like that, and how many were about me?”
“I didn’t have any dreams about you like that, but I do vividly remember one I had when I was dating Jake. We were all playing football. I was mad at Phillip because he was being a jerk about something, so I accidentally/on purpose tripped him, and we both fell down.”
“The flag-bikini day?” Danny asks.
“Yeah, that’s it. I was mad because he’d told me he didn’t like my swimsuit. Remember how he was so pissed and was sitting on top of me?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, that happened in my dream. He leaned down to yell at me, and instead, he started kissing me and, um, doing a lot of other stuff, too. You sorta disappeared.”
“I think I did disappear that day. It looked like he was gonna do you right there in the grass. I think I told you to get a room.”
“The dream really upset me back then.”
“Why?” both Danny and Lori ask.
“’Cause Phillip was like my brother. It was like, I don’t know, practically incestuous.”
“Jay.”
“Well, he was, and the problem was, I liked it and kept wishing I’d have the dream again. I felt very conflicted.”
Lori says, “Oh my gosh, you two were so dumb.”
Danny intercedes, “Okay, so here’s what I think. You should take him to the ball field. Wear a ball cap and those cute little braids like you used to, but sexify it. Wear something hot, like a teeny little baseball shirt with major cleavage—well, as much as you have anyway—and some short shorts with tall socks and high heels. Get him on the hood and then, like, straddle him, tease him a little, and then—”
“Danny!” Lori interrupts. “I think we all get the idea.”
“Oh, dang. Sorry.”
“Danny, if I do this, will he think it’s weird?”
“Dude, if he thinks it’s weird, you have my permission to dump him.”
After work, I start planning. Phillip planned all that stuff for our engagement, and I think this will be my little engagement gift to him.
A series of naughty events.
A little trip down memory lane of my own.
I wish wedding planning were this fun.
We can’t do it all in one night, so I think it’ll be a weeklong event.
I’m going to have fun with this. Okay, let’s brainstorm. We’ll do the baseball field. Maybe the swings at the elementary school. Camping in a little tent. His mother’s kitchen island. And maybe it would be fun to have a prom night redo. The same room, the hot tub. Hmm.
My phone chimes. There’s an email offering me last-minute deals on airfare. I click through it and see Cancun is on the list.
OMG! That’s it.
It’s like fate!
I call Phillip and tell him he’s mine every night next week and not to make any weekend plans.
He’s like, “Why?”
And I’m like, “Maybe I have a few surprises of my own.”
My phone vibrates with another text from Danny.
Danny: Done with practice. Guys LOVE your idea and think a hot nurse bridesmaid is in order.
I book flights to Cancun and make reservations at the resort where we stayed for Danny and Lori’s wedding. The lowest point in my relationship with Phillip. Time to make some happy memories there. Oh, I hope he likes this!
Vibrate.
Danny: And a dirty cop. They also think, if all women would plan XXX weddings, guys would be much more excited about the planning process. You might be on to something.
I ignore Danny’s text because I need to finish planning. I grab my purse and head out to my car. I’m gonna run to the sporting goods store and find a little baseball shirt, and then I’m gonna hit Victoria’s Secret for one of those bombshell bras. I think that should give me the look Danny had in mind.
I’m running late to meet Phillip. We’re going out for a nice dinner, and then we’re meeting some friends at the bar.
Danny calls me. “What are you doing? Why aren’t you replying to my brilliant texts?”
“Your XXX wedding ideas are brilliant, and I appreciate your help. And I didn’t reply because I’ve been busy trying to plan Naughty Dream Week. Phillip’s gonna love it. I mean, I think he will. I hope so anyway. I’m taking him to Cancun next weekend! We’re gonna have a Cancun redo! And, right now, I’m rushing to meet Phillip for dinner.”
“Let me guess; you’re late as usual?”
“A bit. And I shouldn’t be. It’s our second date!”
“So, Jay baby, speaking of dates, have you set one yet?”
“Screw you, Danny.”
I hang up on him, but my phone immediately vibrates. He’s calling me back.
I answer with, “Eff off, baby!”
I’m totally making fun of Danny, and he knows it. Since he started playing professional ball, practically every other word out of his mouth is baby, which is hilarious because, even with all the girls Danny dated, he never called a girl that. He always remembered their names.
I hear a voice—a voice that is not Danny’s—say, “Hello? Is this Jadyn Reynolds?”
“Uh, yes, this is she.”
Oh my gosh, who in the world did I just tell to eff off?
“JJ, this is Pastor John. I was hoping to set up a time for us to get together and talk.”
Oh. Shit.
I’m probably going to hell for this.
Can you get sent to hell for accidentally telling a pastor to eff off?
“Uh, I’m sorry about that. I thought you were someone else. Um, Mrs. Mac said something about couples counseling, but we aren’t getting married for quite a while, so there’s really no rush.”
“I’d still like to talk to you. Could you come see me tomorrow morning before the game?”
I want to say no, but I feel like a little kid who’s in trouble. It’d be like telling the principal, Sorry, I’m not going to your office.
“Uh, sure.”
“Great. See you then.”
