I was sure now that Alexander had read my father’s letter. Even still, he had been trying to give me the benefit of the doubt when he confronted me. That left a margin of hope for me to hold onto.
The sun was setting as I rode back to the palace, and it was full dark by the time I was walking up to our bedroom door. But I knew even before opening it that Alexander would not be inside. I could feel his absence.
Sure enough, the room was dark and empty. I locked the door behind me and went to sit on the bed. Looking over at Alexander’s side, I wondered where he might be. And when, or if, he would come home to me.
The early morning had me on my knees on the bathroom floor, throwing up what little I had in my stomach. And after that, I felt I had been drained of nearly all my life force.
I had never felt so physically weak in my life.
And I was not comfortable with being weak. I was a fighter. A strong woman inside and out, who could take care of herself.
At least, I used to be. Now, with the baby needing so much of my strength, I was at Alexander’s mercy. The baby needed him close. And that meant I needed him to come home.
I called for the doctor and used all the strength I had left to stagger back to bed, bringing a trash bin with me just in case I had to throw up again. The doctor came quickly and gave me a very brief bedside exam.
“The child is fine,” she stated, pulling out her stethoscope’s ear tips and hooking the device around her neck. “But only because it is taking so much of your strength. When was the last time you ate?”
I frowned, thinking about the prior day. I skipped breakfast. Skipped lunch. Ate bread with apples and caramel sauce at Nina’s house. And that was it.
The doctor shook her head at me disapprovingly.
“The cub needs contact with the father,” she said prescriptively. Her eyes flickered over to the empty other side of the bed. She opened her mouth as if to say more on the subject, but then clamped it shut, perhaps realizing it was not her place to ask when Alexander would be back with me.
She dug into her doctor’s bag and produced a small orange bottle. “This may help a little,” she said. “It will cause your estrus period to be less frequent. Take one every six hours as needed. And, more importantly, you need to eat. As much as you can tolerate.”
Again, the doctor disappeared in a hurry as soon as I dismissed her. I took the medication immediately and resolved to be a good patient and follow her orders. I would force myself to eat. And with or without Alexander, I would do everything in my own power to get myself well.
I began to feel a little stronger and more energetic as the medication took effect. I dressed, pulled my hair back into a neat ponytail, and put on a little makeup. Then I walked quickly to the kitchen, keeping myself on alert as I went.
Nina had been right about my not being safe here. Of course, she had been worried about Alexander and the way he would react if he became convinced that I’d betrayed him. But I was not afraid of Alexander. I was afraid of walking the palace halls, knowing he was not here.
I had the kitchen staff pack up a basket full of fresh foods, and texted Nina while I waited for them to prepare it. I asked if I could come over to her place.
Nina replied: I’d love to see you Fi, but idk if you should climb these stairs again. Can I come to you?
She had a point, so I agreed. I took the lunch basket to our room as I waited on her arrival, not sure I should be loitering out in the open alone.
Nina came quickly, which told me Kayden had probably already been at her place when I’d texted. He dropped her off at my door and gave me a polite smile and courteous greeting before winking at Nina and vanishing.
Nina spied the basket and asked, “Are we having an indoor picnic?”
I laughed. “Please, no. I need some fresh air. Let’s go find somewhere to sit outside.”
We walked out to the West Courtyard and found a quiet spot to sit on the lawn. I had brought a blanket that Nina helped me spread out on the grass. I noticed she was being very quiet.
“I’m not mad about the letter.” I looked over at Nina and saw her eyes go wide.
“Really?” she asked quietly.
I shook my head. “There’s no point in worrying about it. I need my best friend right now, and I know you didn’t do it on purpose, or anything.”
Nina leapt into my arms, wrapping me tightly in a hug. “I’m still so sorry,” she said.
“I know you are. It’s okay.”
She pulled away and settled back on the blanket, smiling cautiously. “Now, what’s going on? Did you get to talk to Alexander last night?”
“No, he didn’t come home.”
Nina frowned, saying “Hmm.”
“I saw a doctor today. She gave me some medication that is supposed to help me keep my strength up, even while we’re apart.”
Nina arched an eyebrow. “I did think you were looking a bit better today. I’m glad you found something that could help.” But my friend was still looking at me with deep worry on her face.
Trying to prove to her that I was going to be alright, I choked down as much food as I could. I ate half a chicken sandwich, a couple deviled eggs, and a handful of grapes. But then a soft gurgle in my stomach told me any more food might send it all back out again.
We spent the afternoon chatting, then Nina went home when I told her I needed to lie down for a nap. Kayden met us in the hall outside my and Alexander’s bedroom. Nina left me with a big hug, telling me to call her if I needed absolutely anything.
Sapped by the light activity of my day, I eased myself into bed and shivered with fatigue. I checked the time on my phone and saw it had been about six hours since I’d taken my first dose of the medication. I shuffled another pill out of the bottle and swallowed it down with a sip of water, then let my body ease back into our big, soft bed. I wrapped the covers tight around my shoulders and drifted off to sleep.
I woke hours later feeling revived, but still sleepy. The room was deadly quiet. I stretched my arms out and turned over onto my other side. I ran my palm along the blankets on Alexander’s side of the bed, pressing them flat.
It was not just the bed that was empty. Looking at the vacant space where my fiancé should have been lying beside me, I felt a strange emptiness inside of me, too.
